can't get out of relationship...

Hi steph90691,

Get out and insist your boyfriend get help for his mental disorder. He has a disease that only a qualified professional mental expert can help. He can't help his abusive behavior. Please give him the phone number and address to some mental health clinics in his area. He will scream and throw a temper tandrum and blame you etc, etc, etc... however, you stick to your decision in getting him help. If he refuse to go (and he very well may or go once and quit), you go for your sanity.

This is a very unhealty place for you and your baby. If you should decide to get out do it while the baby is still young and you still have your sanity. You need to seek counseling as well but please do it with a different thearpist and now with him. Don't move back in with him. Get yourself mentally healthy and focus on you and your baby. Your boyfriend is very sick and he is making you sick. Does your son deserve to be raised by your mother when all you have to do is make him your first priority. Motherhood is the most important job in the world and you can't go back and repeat it with the same child. Keep us posted.

Good Luck,

Faded Rose

thanks for your reply. its just easier said then done.. and i would just like to specify that even though i am living at home with my parents i am doing 99.9% raising my child. my parents barely help me. they will occasionally take him so i can have alone time, go to a movie with friends that type of thing..but the rest of the time its all me. im not dwelling on things so much that i dont take care of him. he is my world & i am doing everything in my power to give him a good life. other tehn this whole situation i suppose.....its just so hard to get out. i feel so guilty everytime.. i actually ended it the other day, but felt so bad about it after that i called him, apoligizedd and told him i was sorry..i dont even know how to deal with this anymore.
i am going to seek the help of a professional i need it. i know i do..

Steph, Im going through the same thing. I am in an abusive relationship with my BF. We started dating a year ago and things were great the first couple of months. But even a few weeks into it he started giving me ultimatums about my friends. He was so charismatic, great to my mom, always complimenting me, etc. But then it became more and more all about him. I started to become alienated from my family, mainly my sister because she is like my only friend in this town. I get questioned about where I am if Im not with him, its gotten to the point that I have just left my phone on silent for the last 6 months because if it even rings it makes him mad. My family fear they cant even get in touch with me if something happens. He has become verbally abusive, can be violent. Just last week he picked up the mattress off the bed frame and threw it on the floor with me on it. Mattress came crashing down on top of me, then we start to fight because he is saying he is going to put my stuff out. He wrestles me to the floor and proceeds to jam his thumb into my eye socket. Just about put my eye out! He hasnt really said he is sorry, changes the subject, acts like its all justified etc. All because I went to bed without him that night! Im staying at my sisters...been here since Friday night. He begs me to come home, but I know it wont change. Its just the same ole crap. The verbal abuse, the violence, he has broken so many of my things. I dont know why I have allowed this? I am a freaking college graduate who knows better. I hear myself talk about this to my family and I know how stupid it all sounds. Like, why am I questioning my decision to be where I am? Right now Im being told come home or else. I guess right now, Im choosing the or else. Its not going to get any better with another ultimatum. Especially when he isnt willing to make any changes on his anger issues. Good luck girl..I hope you and I both can do the right thing.

My BF and I have been dating for 15 months. I knew of his previous on and off relationship being very unhealthy, but was convinced that it was his ex (She drinks ALOT). I'm beginning to wonder if he somewhat drove her to the "crazy" things she did. The argueing started about 1 month in to the relationship. At that point he was becoming somewhat distant, which I couldn't understand. About 4 months in to the relationship the "distance" pretty much stopped and the yelling and name calling started. This was happening about 1-2 times a week. Generally it was when he'd been drinking, but it also happened at times when he wasn't. At some point there was a couple of shoves. A bruise where he tried to drag me back by my purse. I eventually had what I THOUGHT was enough and broke up with him. He immediately started to apologize, telling me how much he loved me and needed me, how much he loved my daughters. He promised he would not call me names anymore. I forgave, and hoped for the best. The second and third instance of name calling were in situations where I was not able to leave his presence (we were out of town) so by the end of the trip he was being loving, and sweet, and attentative and I forgave him. I started looking here on the Bipolar forums, and decided that maybe that was the problem. I thought that in knowing he couldn't necessarily "control" himself, it would hurt my feelings less and I would be able to deal with it. After a second breakup and telling him yet again that I could not take anymore fighting or name calling, he got alot better for awhile. We still argue at least weekly, but the cruel name calling has gone to about once a month or every other month...however it still happens. I love this man with everything in me as he can be the most amazing person in the world at times. He'll leave love songs on my voicemail at times. Leave me sweet Facebook messages. Sometimes he'll rub my feet and legs for absolutely no reason. He'll kiss my forehead and tell me that I can't possibly fathom how much he loves me. But he can do all of those things in the morning, and then in the afternoon I may say something he doesn't like and it's back to the "your an effin b**ch" "effin fata$$" I absolutely know he loves me. I do. But what in the world is wrong with a person's brain that they can love someone and treat and talk to them that way. And the WORST part is, He's rubbing off on me. I find myself getting sooo angry after he has yelled and screamed and called me horrible names that I've slapped him in the face on two occasions and have a few times even dished back some hurtful words.
Sunday he yelled at my 7 year old and I got our things together to go home. As we were walking out the door, he started yelling and calling me a "Crybaby" over and over in front of my girls. At least it wasn't some of the other names he's called me, but I just can't see how letting my children see a man talk to me like that can be healthy.
Sorry about the long post. Just venting. I feel like I should end the relationship, but everytime I get close to feeling strong enough to do so, he begins to be that sweet wonderful person again.

Angel, your situation sounds so much like mine. Its almost scary. We play this game of fighting that way at least once every week to two weeks now. The name calling and fighing, then the crying and apologizing. I feel so trapped. Plus not mention he's got me inbtween a rock and hard place. I lost my job in June, really due to him and all the stress I have been under. I am trying to sell my car, so I dont really have a vehicle to drive as its setting on a lot as we speak. We have no money...this is absolutely horrible. But he does the same things as you described with your boyfriend. I hate it. I am resulting to the name calling as well..fight fire with fire right?? Dont worry about your venting...you need to vent. You probably feel like me..your family and friends think you are stupid for staying so therefore you dont even tell them whats going on anymore. I am embarrassed for staying too. I feel trapped. And I hate myself for letting it get to this point. Good luck, and Ill be praying for all of us to do the right thing eventually. Take care..

I hope it's gotten better for you myscarletmoon... I'm still hanging in there... The fighting has decreased somewhat, but alot of that has been my biting my tongue.

Angel, hi..

Not really, I have been staying w my sister again since Aug 25th. I ended up going back after my last post. But after 2 more huge blowups I ended up having to call the police 2 weeks later. He was arrested and put in jail that night. He's been going to counseling since which I do think has helped. But for me it's almost too little too late. As I begged him for months to seek help. I have moved back. It's been almost 2 months of living apart. Although my living situation is not ideal it's better than living in that crap. We do talk and see each other but many things about the relationship probably won't change ever. He hates animals and I adore them. My cats have lived away for almost 6 months because of his childish jealousy. If I pay the least bit of attention to a pet it makes him insanely jealous. It's so stupid. We have tried off and on to make it work. I've tried several times to break up to no avail. Tomorrow we will see a counselor together for the first time. Something I've wanted for months but now could care less. I want my life back. So that's how we are doing in a nutshell. The jealousy and neediness hasn't changed but the fighting has.

You need to end it, and get out. Whatever you do don`t mention mental disorders to him because he`ll only target yourself in trying to prove you wrong - more abuse! He cannot be treated nor guided by those he has an attachment with, a friend possibly, but not if it leads back to you!
If your instincts happen to guide you my way I`d be delighted to discuss this with you further.

I am in the same boat as all of you. My relationship started out as nothing serious. My boyfriend at that time was just out of a relationship with someone else that he has two children with. Within four months I found myself pregnant with someone I was not serious about. I decided to stay with my boyfriend and make things work for my child. Everything was wonderful while I was pregnant, but after my daughter came he went back to his old way. Partying almost every night while I stayed home with the baby. He felt that because he stayed home with her while I worked that his responsibilities ended when I got home. Anyway, after 6 months of that I moved out and went to stay with my Mom. All I wanted was for things to work out. The problem now is, after all that time of him partying and cheating, he wants things to work out. My daughter is now going to be three years old, and we have been trying to work things out for the past year. The problem now is that I want to get out of the relationship. He still constantly parties, cheats, lies, and to top it off does not help me out at all with anything. He always guilts me into staying. He says he already lost one family and can't lose another. He loves me. He FORGIVES me. The problem is that everytime we get back together there is always a huge blowout. At least once at week. We argue, I try to get him to leave, the screaming starts, then it ends with my trying to shove him out the door or slapping him. He won't let me get out of this relationship. He is turning me into a very angry lonely person, and then makes me feel bad about everything that happens. The phone calls are constant when we are not together. He'll leave dozens of messages, call me at work, show up at my house and cry. This last time we argued so back that when I couldn't get him to leave and threatened to call the police he took my phone from me which lead to an altercation. He smashed my phone to pieces so I couldn't call for help, then took my tv and smashed it on the floor. I don't know how many of my belongings that he has trashed. Now he is calling me, telling me he forgives me because I called the police on him, that he's not mad at me, that he loves me. I WANT OUT. I just wish I was strong enough to not let him guilt me back into the relationship.

Hi,
I'm in a similar situation and don't know what to do. I'm in a mentally abusive relationship with a six month old lil girl who is my world. I want to leave but he uses her as a tool to control me. He never wanted her to begin with. And now he is gonna try and take her if I leave. He tells me mean thing and keeps bringing up my past. What am I suppose to do?

Conventional cross gender love has to say in part at least for self love, and by varying degree. What you are experiencing is total dgree/absolute self interested emotion, the emotion of love through you but to serve only him. It has capacity for no more than manipulation, of which it is likely expert. It is sociopathic in its nature. Don`t expect an easy exit. Never again give your address or any contact details before a relationship has been thoroughly tested, and to do this you must test how they respond both to bad treatment and disregard. You must know that you`d want the relationship under any and all circumstances pertaining to it. Can you acquire a body biulding protector, that often works!