Relationships and Marriage Forum - Can a relationship with different views on sex EVER work out?

Relationships > Relationships and Marriage Forum > Can a relationship with different views on sex EVER work out?

Q: Can a relationship with different views on sex EVER work out?

asked by: worrywart01 on January 24th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

I love my boyfriend very much...I do, we've been together just over 2 years now, and I honestly cannot picture myself with anyone else...yea we have our issues..alot of them but every couple does right? Anyway..i lost my virginity to him...a long time ago, no regrets..i was going to wait until marriage but i waited 19 years, fell in love yadda yadda,it just happened...anyway..my views on sex are still the same..i do not have sex unless i'm in love..i dont believe in sharing myself with random people like that...whats the point? I just think its gross to be quite honest...anyway, i was under the impression that my boyfriend felt the same..we got serious quite fast, we had a summer relationship and didn't know how serious it was until we became long distance...he was so worried about me breaking his heart and getting back with my ex when i went away and it was sweet, just that he actually cared,he wasn't overly jealous or possessive or anything..he just didn't want another guy touching me...he made it so clear that he wanted me all to himself...and then randomly out of the blue, he admits he has this fantasy of doing a mmf threesome...you may have read some of my posts before but..ever since this..its always been an issue with us...i feel like i'll never be able to satisfy him, bc as much as it would turn him on..thats how much it turns me OFF...it was a big deal for me to lose my virginity to him..and i thought i'd made it clear that i'm a one guy kind of girl...he STILL continues to bring this up even though we've discussed it SEVERAL times and i will NOT have ANY relationship with another man! not only do i not want to, but i dont see how it would benefit the relationship AT ALL...its more likely to cause problems! We've discussed this a few times, and i told him..theres a difference between thinking about it as a fantasy and actually WANTING it to happen...he actually WANTS this to happen...how the heck can a guy go from being so possessive and worried and caring about me being with another guy, to being completely ok with it?!?!?!He's even said he'd like to watch me with another guy...WHAT? I DONT UNDERSTAND..it drives me NUTS everytime he brings it up bc it makes me feel like i'm never going to be good enough for him...i love him so much, i wanna be with him..i cant picture being without him..but i will not sacrafice my body and morals for him..i refuse...he tells me i need to be more open minded...i'm open minded about things but i'm not going to sleep around...no way..i've learned just how hurtful guys can be and i'm not about to be used by some jerk...i thought we'd have this discussion once..maybe twice and it'd be done..but he continues to bring it up every now and then...it really makes me doubt our relationship..and it worries me..seriously, what if we do end up married? is it naive to think that he will be faithful to me for the rest of our lives together and just leave this fantasy alone?

Replies(11)

sara19

replied on January 24th, 2009

Experienced User

I know I am not the best person to give sex/relationship advice... But have you tried telling him it makes you feel "like you can't satisfy him? That this is just something you cannot do for him?" Maybe suggest something else equally sexy in your mind?

I don't know just trying to help because you put your two cents in on mine?

newman52

replied on January 24th, 2009

New User

This could be a way of testing you possibly? In some cases I've seen males ask of this to their girlfriends, and they've gone through with it only to use it as an offensive maneuver when in a "fight", or when the relationship is/ or has ended. I have also witnessed the outcome as the male finds himself dominant because his girlfriend is still attractive to other males and is worthy of their time and attraction. If it is a genuine fetish then there is nothing he or you can do about it other than ignore the request or carry out with it. both obviously might have their consequences. I would suggest to make sure he is not looking for an easy way out of a relationship. Then if that is a negative, it is up to both of you. It is possible to carry on with a relationship as long as both of you can compromise (easier said than done, I know).

danielv

replied on January 24th, 2009

Advanced Support Team

Excellent feedback from newman52.

Also - If something doesn't feel right, you should not do it. It's that simple, and does not depend on morals or values. Your gut will tell you what is and is not right for you - just as it is now.

It could also be that a part of him still wants to fool around and explore his sexual fantasies before "settling down" etc, even if he does want to be with you, and demands a commitment from you.

Do not take the accusations of open-mindedness to heart. Everyone has their own perception of right and wrong. Also this perception changes over time. At the end of the day the only thing you can do is ask yourself whether you love him, and whether you are willing to persevere through this time of confusion.

Cheers!
Daniel

danielv

replied on January 24th, 2009

Advanced Support Team

PS, I dated someone who did not believe in sex for about 2 years. I was not a virgin, and she was. Even tho it did not work out, it taught me alot about patience and understanding.

I do believe that relationships with different views can work out, as long as both people are willing to stretch towards the other.

worrywart01

replied on January 26th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

Thanks for the input everyone...this just seems to be a reoccuring issue in the relationship..i seriously thought that after discussing it once it'd be done with..i thought my views were clear, but no..it keeps coming up every once in a blue moon..the strange thing is his ex ended up cheating on him with SEVERAL guys, and he mentioned that she'd had a threesome, he said he didn't know he liked this until she'd cheated on him(which is WHY he broke up with her supposedly) but now he's saying that it would turn him on to see me with another guy and the reason he broke up with her was really bc things werent working out not bc she cheated on him, when we first started dating i remember him being so paranoid about having his heartbroken again by someone cheating on him, he told me it really got to him..and now...2 years in the relationship he's telling me it wasn't the fact that she cheated just that the relationship wasn't working out(and basically i guess that was his perfect excuse to get out)...it was a big deal for me to lose my virginity to him..and i was really offended that that in itself wasn't enough for him..how can he not know how big of a deal it was for me? I waited to be in love..and now the man i'm in love with is asking me to share myself with another guy?? it just kind of hurts me..i want him to want me all to himself, i know it would KILL me to see him even touch another girl inappropriately..i guess i just dont understand how he can love me as much as i love him..and still want to share me like that...is it possible? ....i'm not a toy, and i wont have my name trashed if things for some reason dont work out, it would be something i regretted for the rest of my life i know

sara19

replied on January 26th, 2009

Experienced User

Then don't do it. This guy should treasure you as much as you treasure him. If he doesn't then he isn't worth your time.

worrywart01

replied on January 26th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

also...there is one thing i didn't mention..which i never really questioned up until the threesome fantasy came up...there was this one girl, during his freshman year of college that wouldn't leave him alone, me and him had been together for i guess just under a year, before he mentioned having the threesome fantasy he'd mentioned that she had had a threesome with one of his friends...I forgot how it came up, i think it just bugged me that she tried to pursue things with him and i'd asked if she'd called him lately and he said something like "yea and they wanted to have a threesome"...or something...meaning him and his friend...and i didn't think of it much then bc i didn't know about this fantasy of his and i trusted him...but now that i go back and think about things like this it makes me wonder...we were long distance at the time..and she had caused issues with us before, i came home one weekend to visit him and she was calling literally every 5-10 minutes..which REALLY upset me, here i am trying to spend time with my boyfriend i've just had a 4 hour drive and this chick keeps calling...why? I've asked him straight up before if anything ever happened between them, and he said no but ever since he admitted to this fantasy of his i sort of started wondering if he had ever actually cheated on me with her...we've had a few trust issues in the past(he had been sending inappropriate text msgs to a coworker, but they never actually hung out..i spoke to the girl myself)but i've tried to get over that, it just adds to the paranoia...and i wonder, is it better to just leave the past alone and just trust the that he didn't cheat on me?...but at the same time i dont want to be naive and be in a relationship thats fake...ive been with him over 2 years now and i've always said that if my significant other EVER cheated on me i'd get out of that relationship..bc i'm not going to spend the rest of my life possessive and paranoid about where he is...things have been ok lately, and there aren't any girl issues..BUT...at the same time if I ever found out that he DID cheat on me even if it were a year ago the relationship would be over...idk..i'm just rambling, i can ask him over and over again and he'll still say "no i didn't touch her" yet i still have this doubt in the back of my mind..at the time he was an 18 year old boy with a girlfriend 4 hrs away at college...he could have done whatever he wanted basically...

sara19

replied on January 26th, 2009

Experienced User

We are in similar situations. I had to trust him every time he went on the road without me or when he had a concert close by and came back later than expected. But I had to make that choice that I wasn't going to ask everyday on the phone or when he came home to me.

But oh how is it different if they have a history together. Because you always wonder why is she still around, what do you need from her that I don't have.

I think you need to reflect on your own. That is what it took to figure out what I wanted. I had to lie there in the dark and for an hour and search my soul.

I don't if that helps...

sara19

replied on January 26th, 2009

Experienced User

JavaMissus

replied on January 26th, 2009

Moderator

In my humble opinion, No...You are pulling two different ways...The most important thing that holds this marriage or relationship together has been forgotten...This strong emotional hunger for two people in love to meet and mate has been lost...What got you here to start is but a memory....And for me, this is the saddest thing to think about at this time....

This Thread is sad...I know of a woman who had a husband that pushed this same thing...She gave in because he begged....Soon this was not enough and he showed up with three strange men and another woman...She went along with this too as she was already but a shell of what she used to be....When you lose your own self respect and your morals, an important part of you dies....Unfortunately, this is usually the good part of you....

This poster had such a high value for her virtue that she held it back to save for the right man...She, like I, felt that this was a very special part of herself that was only going to be given out once....Now to ask this same woman to share this precious part of her sexual self with a stranger is in my mind inconceivable....This is destroying this honor that she has given him and breaking down every value that she has ever had in her life...

If both people want to do this then it is fine...But to destroy one for the fetish of another, in my opinion is destroying a mind at peace for a place of misery and possible shame the rest of their life....I don't think there is anyway that it would work

Just my thoughts,
Caroline

sara19

replied on January 26th, 2009

Experienced User

I was talking more about the relationship aspect. I couldn't have a threesome. But I do not experiment very much sexually. I think you have really made up your mind about the threesome it seems like a no. But you seem to have doubts about the relationship part.

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