Can a person with bipolar please answer my questions?

replied October 27th, 2011

mr einstein,

essentially I am a "normal" person trying to pursue a healthy relationship with an "abnoral" man. I am in no way clingy, I am considered a normal avergae girlfriend who expects respect and affection and love. is that a crime?

why is so hard for me to understand? because he just told me how much he loves me, how he wants to spend the rest of his life for me. and then BAM he disappears. all i wanted is answers and to understand.

Clingy would be demanding to see him EVERYDAY and calling and texting throughout the day. All i wanted was to see him twice a week and a once a day phone call, which is considered the norm. I am not being clingy; HE is the one who is neglectful with is a form of emotional abuse. Essentially it is the same as giving the silent treatment. I deserve at least some communication to know what is going on.

when i ask if medication will make him "normal", I mean stabilizing his mood and lessening the bipolar effects.

I am sorry but i find your response a bit insulting. any woman would be confused if their boyfriend acted hot and cold. just look at all these posts on this board.

And I in no way stalk him. When in a relationsip I have the right to know where we stand. but as soon as he officially ends it I cut off all contact out of respect. its now been over a month since we spoke and yes I have moved on. I already went on a first date last night with a great man.

my point is:
If we are IN a relationship, I deserve loving care.
If he has offically ENDED the relationship I do NOT contact him or "stalk" him.

I don't know why you think me calling him is "stalking" him when we are in a relationship and he hasn't spoken to me for days.

So when we were in the relationship and he goes missing for days I am just supposed to sit there and smile and wait for him?

EITHER WAY I HAVE MOVED ON, THANK YOU.

I was trying to be an understanding and compassionate person who is willing to give it a chance, but my efforts have been wasted and not appreciated. Everyone says not to leave a bipolar person becase they are sick. I was willing to stay because he is getting help. I know no one is perfect. But I really can't handle it.

Now I see him breaking up with me is doing me a favor. 90% of marriages with a bipolar spouse end in divore. SO IT WOULD OF ENDED DOWN THE LINE ANYWAY.

and i do not have issues. when in a relationship, you are supposed to communicate and respect each other. Disappearing for a week is cruel, so don't you think I have every right to be angry?

are you bipolar too?

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Users who thank kitty847 for this post: lost_jules

Wtifo04

replied November 4th, 2011

@kitty847 Here is my answer: Two possibilities, Either your ex would come back again to you when he is back again in the mood your ex was seeing you or your ex would never come back again. Let me explain the later case in more detail based on my own experience when I all of sudden stopped loving someone that I loved the most for no reason. I was just going to prove to myself that I can kill my emotions. That was the beggining when i first diagnost with BPD.
My suggestion for you is to closely monitor your ex moods . Approach your ex in various times. Try to predict your ex symptoms in various time. And please do not leave your along HELP YOUR EX!
I have more to say. Let me stop here though.

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replied December 14th, 2011

Kitty847,

Wow, you described me and my fiance perfectly!!! I am so sorry you are going through this. Mine has done the same thing. We are still together 4 yrs later, getting married in May, 2012, maybe. I am having second thoughts because I am so tired of his bullying. He will set me up to make fun of me. He pretends to be angry at me until I feel tears coming on (I am very independent, so that is not easy to do). Once he realizes he has upset me, he says he was "joking". I gave him some links to videos on bullying and mean behavior, which he is now making fun of me for thinking he is a bully. I have a Bachelor's of Science in psychology, I know about bipolar from the book angle, so it isn't like I am uninformed. BUT being in a relationship is totally different than the book. I would love to see some real answers to your questions, not rude ones like I have seen some people put so far.

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Users who thank Cynthianne for this post: n2kismet

n2kismet

replied October 27th, 2011

Experienced User

You had every right to expect what you did, if in a "relationship".....don't let anyone tell you otherwise. None of that is over the top or clingy or stalking....it's simply mutual love and respect, which many of us have found to be in short supply. Know that so many of us understand exactly where you're at and feel every bit of your pain and heartache. Good luck to you!

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Users who thank n2kismet for this post: lost_jules

replied October 28th, 2011

thank you n2kismet.
you seem to undestand where im coming from. honestly ANY girl in my position would feel frustrated, upset confused, angry. and most girls would have left him a long time ago. i guess i just gave him too many chances. but i do realize he is not in any state to be in a relationship (with anyone). if he truly loves me or not, i just need to move on. i think i did enough research on this bipolar. and I think i tried enough. i don't think he is coming back. i should just let him be and move on. and i need to also respect myself because i shouldn't have to put up with verbal and emotional abuse. i hope he gets well.

thank you again.

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Users who thank kitty847 for this post: Cynthianne

replied January 7th, 2012

Experienced User

hi Cynthianne,
I so agree with n2kismet on this one. we all wish you so much luck. my question is are you sure you want to get married until this stuff is sorted out?I really feel for you. the verbal abuse has just started here. My husband of 43 years was diagnosed in 2005 I think it was. he's having a rough time now but he doesn't know it. I've been living with it so I definitely know it. Had no idea when we got married that he was BP but I'm sure he was. He was (very young-21)I was only 20. Please take care of yourself

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replied January 7th, 2012

Hello! Joyce, n2kismet, and Kitty847,

We had a long discussion last night about how he is sabotaging our relationship. He does recognize his outbursts are getting worse and confessed that he had stopped taking one of his medications. I told him if he was going to play around with the meds, and not tell me, I was not going to marry him. Bipolar is a medical issue and should not be taken lightly. On both of his medications he is reasonable, and the guy I fell in love with back when I was 14 (we have known each other for over 30 yrs). He is not the man I fell in love with again, in a different way at age 45...so he promised to keep taking his medication because he said it was not worth it to be in such a mental state without it. I told him to talk to his psychiatrist about it when he saw him in a couple weeks and tell him about going off that medication etc...to figure out the deeper reasoning behind it. I believe my fiance wanted to be "normal" and not take medication, but I told him I have to take medication for my lupus, how is his medication any different? Wink

Anyway, we talked for hours and are stronger than before. We talked about strategies and methods of letting him know he is getting out of control. He knows I was about to break it off with him, but I do believe he is genuine in his efforts to be strong and not run me off. Smile

Good luck everyone! and thank you for the well wishes! I will keep you all posted. At least last night went well. whew!

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radiohead74

replied October 29th, 2011

1. when I am having a bad episode be it manic or depressive I cant STAND people. I want to be quiet and alone with my thoughts because in an episode people are just loud annoying and "purposely making me mad". whether its an enemy or my mom its the same. just an intense desire to be alone. caused me to run away a lot.

2. in my case, i randomly blow up or have so much anger at who knows what inside that it just hurts everyone near me. ive said horrible things to people i love and it haunts me. but for some reason i either dont remember or dont think about it until weeks after, so sometimes im very guilty and ashamed and avoid that person.

3. im not sure on this one, my parents refuse to medicate me so im taking my friend wellbutrin and its done wonders. my episodes are shorter and not as bad, and i generally feel better. but ive only been on it 5 days so idk

4. GIVE HIM SPACE. but dont abandon him. let him know you are there and have his back and care about him, but keep it short and dont smother.

5. medication can help but it really needs to be with therapy and things like meditation etc. but try not to tell him what to do, this always upsets me, instead suggest it and drop it if the convos going bad.

6. yes and no. when I go a little crazy I believe its everyone elses fault and the world is out to get me. other times I feel horrible and everythings my fault and im hurting everyone and im evil.

7. I dont know, ive definetly given my fair share of physical and verbal abuse because I can become so agitated and angry at times. usually I dont mean what I say or its exagerrated. I become a different person.

do NOT believe its like this for all people with mood disorders too. this is just me and my views on this. hopefully I could help u understand him a little. and not everythings his fault and not everythings your fault either. stay strong

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Users who thank radiohead74 for this post: lost_jules

replied October 30th, 2011

thank you so much radiohead!!! that definitely helps. I'm just trying to understand him better, and so that helps a lot. I don't think he's coming back though (it's been a month and not a word). but at least I have a better understanding of it, if he comes back or not. I just wish I knew all this while we were dating; now it's too late unless he comes back. I wish I would have handled it differently :/
I'm sorry if my first post maybe sounded a little offensive to someone with bipolar, i was just frustrated and in need of answers. but I have a better understanding of it now. i know you can't exactly speak for him but it still helps, thank you!!!

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Users who thank kitty847 for this post: lost_jules

replied January 7th, 2012

Hi Kitty847,

I am not sure if this helps or not, but my fiance used to "disappear" for a month to six weeks, I would text him or call and leave a message on his machine, then he would get back to me like nothing had happened. He honestly did not realize how much time had passed until I started marking it on the calendar. When we would see each other, I would put it on the calendar as a smiley face. He got offended by that, so I started thanking him for the visits on his "wall" on Facebook, he did not know I was keeping track of how many times we saw each other or spoke to each other. If you want to get back together with him, go ahead and approach it, tell him you missed him and wanted to know if he was ok. I believe that although Bipolar is going to be a challenge, it can be worked through. I am beginning to believe that the biggest key is to not take his actions personally, just silently tell yourself it is bipolar. Try not to fight back (this is where I am now). It does seem to be easier with my guy if I just let him rant and go on, while I listen, then ask him if he is done. He seems to be ok with that. He will go to his mancave and cool off. I also want to throw in there that although we are getting married in May, we are still only seeing each other every 6 weeks. He cares for him mother and still loses track of time. I have to ask him to drop by when he is running errands, etc..to spark him to remember to include me. Good luck!

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LiftmeUp

replied October 30th, 2011

Experienced User

what is normal? There's no such thing. I'm bipolar and I was going to add to this but read mr. Einsten's reply and would have echoed that.
There's a big stigma around mental health and singling people out like that and all the labeling, makes it worse.

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replied January 7th, 2012

Normal is the standard that is set per each culture or environment. When someone goes against that normal, by choice or not, it is considered to be abnormal behavior. To say someone is not normal, or to wish for normal behavior, is to wish someone is acting in accordance to what the culture or environment sees it to be.

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LiftmeUp

replied October 30th, 2011

Experienced User

Please stop saying "they" and making us look like freaks. It's rude.

1. Why the need for so much space?
Everyone is different. I'm bipolar and not like this. I don't like being alone for long. Some people in general are afraid of being attached.

2. After verbal/ emotional abuse, do they realize what they have done and feel sorry/ remorseful? Or do they forget what they have done? Does he drink? If he was drunk and blacked out then yes, he could have forgotten. Sometimes the person with BP will feel so guilty we don't know what to say.

3. My BP ex was supposed to start medication a week ago, should I expect him to come back? Do the meds work right away? Or should I just assume it's over for good and move on?
Meds can take a month to work. It depends on the medication. Combined with behavioral therapy, it can be managed.

4. When he ended it and told me to move on and he needed space, should I still reach out to him or should I just let it go and respect his need for space?
respect him

5. Will medication most likely make him "normal" or will he still go into cycles? or it can take years to discover the right meds and combinations?
There is no normal. With medication we can still go into cycles. It depends. these imbalances are different from person to person. there are also 2 types of bipolar.

6. Do people with BP have any INSIGHT?? Like do they know "hey, it's me with the issues, not my girlfriend"?
Yes, I do admit when I know I did something wrong. I've also had this for 10 years so I've been in and out of therapy and on and off meds.

7. Is verbal and emotion abuse part of being BP, or specific to one's individual personality? Because I have read HUNDREDS of stories of abusive BP men and yet it seems like all (well the stories I have read) BP people deny they are abusive.

Please don't read stories online. People make up the craziest stuff. It is more likely that a man will deny it because that's just how men are. Women are more hormonal and more likely reach out for help. A lot of times, they don't even know they have it.

-How do you know he's bipolar?
-Do you speak to him this way? Using those terms and making him feel small? Personally, I was offended, I am with a lot of posts that come to my homepage. He would be too.

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replied November 1st, 2011

in response:
#2 - No he does not drink. I just hear how it is common for people with bipolar to "black out" and not remember the hurtful things they say.

#7 - I believe all the stories I read online because I have gone through the SAME EXACT THING. And i know from my personal experience.

I know he is bipolar because he is in therapy and was officially diagnosed.

I didnt mean to offend anyone by using the word "they". honestly it's just easier than having to type out "person with bipolar disorder" every time.

I didn't speak to him that way. Making him feel small? But its ok that he verbally and emotionally abused me? I'm a saint next to him. I was 100x more patient, loving, and understanding than most women would have handled it.

well he's out of my life so nothing matters anymore.

But I still appreciate your feedback, thank you.

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hurtmenomore

replied November 1st, 2011

Does bipolar come with an instruction manual? My bf did all of the same things. We loving woman need to grow a back bone. Ive been dying a slow death for 4 years being bullied by my bf. We spent the summer apart, but now he realizes he loves me again. I was at his house last wkend and it apears someone was living with him for awhile. He denys it of course, but my brain is telling me different. He makes me sick! How could he play with my emotions like this? 4 years i can't get back.

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replied November 1st, 2011

my emotions were played with too. One day he loves me, then he hates me, then he loves me, then he disappears, then he comes back, then he leaves, then he wants to marry me, then he breaks up with me, then he comes back, then he leaves again.

If your bf is not getting any help (medication and therapy) then get out. that cycle will just continue.

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n2kismet

replied January 7th, 2012

Experienced User

This was my life, too....for 5 yrs. He recently showed up.....he'd "changed".....good words/promises....and within days, angry b/c I wouldn't just jump back in, trusting his words, he ended it AGAIN and demanded no contact from ME! It never changes.....just so sad!

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replied January 7th, 2012

Experienced User

it is so sad. I feel for you.

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Users who thank JoyceS for this post: n2kismet

ggpositive

replied November 2nd, 2011

mrEinstein: If you have nothing good to say, you should not say anything at all. kitty847 was looking for answers and not insults. Apparently you have never loved someone with BP or anyone at all for that matter otherwise you would not have given the answers that you did.

kitty847 - I feel your pain and am so sorry that this is what you are up against. Be strong and know that there are other people going through some of what you are going through. Keep reading here and you will find some answers or at least a supportive environment.

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Users who thank ggpositive for this post: n2kismet

replied November 3rd, 2011

thank you ggpositive. this board has helped me tremendously. i really appreciate everyone's help and reading all these stories helps me to understand and see that I'm not alone. I'm healing with time. I have come to accept it's over with him (still have not heard from him). doing my best to move on.

thanks!

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All2Much

replied November 3rd, 2011

beasty

Hi kitty847. I may be wrong here, but it seems like you want him to come back to you. I understand what you feel, but I PROMISE you, this is a repetitive pattern that will continue. You weren't in the relationship too long, so please do your heart a huge favor and move on entirely. He will come back. I know it. My BF continues this with me and its been over 3 years almost 4. I am nearing the end, but not quite there myself. The original man I fell in love with returns for brief periods but it is not enough for a relationship. I don't think he is capable of a relationship with any one any more. Bipolar is degenerative and he is really out of sorts.

You seem like a doll of a girl. There are plenty of males out therre that would love someone like you. It is scary, but give yourself some breathing room and then put yourself out there. We all deserve love and respect. good luck!

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replied November 4th, 2011

beasty,

thank you. I kinda want him back, but only the "good side" of him that I fell in love with. That "good side" of him is gone though. I don't want him back if he is going to belittle me and play with my heart. It's like I fell in love with his good side (the way he was the first month we dated) and I can't get over that. I have to remember all the bad! And I was just hoping that he would become a lot better on medication. IF he ever does contact me I will hopefully have the strength to ignore him. But who knows? Maybe those loving feelings will never come back. And the more time I spend apart the more clear I can see the situation. I need to think with my head, not my heart.

Is you bf on medication and in therapy? I hope it all works out for you, I mean I hope he doesn't continue to hurt you. you deserve love and respect too. just stay strong, and if he isn't improving or getting help then maybe you need to find someone who can fulfil your needs. I know it's tough though when you are with someone for so long.

it's just so sad. that wonderful man just turned moody and mean and cold Sad

I just need to remember I can't get that loving man back, that he will always have his mood swings.

we need to stay strong!

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pitbull_692

replied December 16th, 2011

I have had bi polar since i was 11. i have NEVER been mean or abusive. yea i have a fierce temper and pretty quick to anger. Like anyone who is mad i can say hurtful things.But i do say sorry and make amends for the wrong doing i have done.There are times that my anger makes me blackout and i don't remember anything i said or done. meds and therapy do help but it doesn't make it 100% better.Mood swings and manic episodes are a constant battle but it takes both people to be willing to work through it. finding the right meds can take awhile. they also take time to get in your system fully.I have been in a solid relationship for two years now and it still takes work....more work than a your typical relationship.This is the place to find answers though. My finance is the one who found this site and it took her six months to get me to start posting on it. Because ANY mental problem comes with your stereo types. to me it seems like people look down on people with problems. when i go into a manic depression i just want to be alone but at the same time i cant be because i get suicidal. learning to manage your anger and realizing when it's your moods verses the other person doing wrong is the trick.

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replied January 7th, 2012

Experienced User

hi pitbull_692
thanks so much for writing. It helps a lot to hear from someone who has BP.I'm trying to figure out how much insight my husband has. Lately he has been blaming me a lot of the time for his anger.I appreciate your honesty.I'm so glad your fiance found this site:-)

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replied July 16th, 2012

Experienced User

what a honest insightful post. thanks so much for writing this.....i love your statement about managing your anger and realizing it's your moods.............sounds amazing to me.

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replied January 7th, 2012

UPDATE:

So I havn't checked this in 2-3 months? So heres a major update:
He came back. Now I **ONLY** responded to him because he was supposed to have started medication 2 month prior, SO I thought maybe he was doing better. We chatted. He said he was focused on doing better. Then he started saying how me missed me. I asked him what he wanted. He said he wasn't ready for anything serious with me. So I told him I would continue moving on and dating other men. Then he insisted on meeting and going with the flow. So I agreed to meet him and we would talk in person. He started saying that he missed me, that he "wanted to make us work", said he still had feelings. The day before we were supposed to meet I asked him what time he wanted me over. He CANCELLED. Did not apologize, and did not reschedule! So I got angry and ranted. Then after me being angry for the whole night he finally affered to reschedule. So he offered to rescheduled a week later. I had a bad feeling but I agreed to reschedule. Did't hear from him all week! So I texted him again if we were still meeting on that day AND HE TOTALLY BLEW ME OFF!!! DID NOT RESPOND!!!! I waited and waited and waited. Texted him again. NOTHING. So again I got mad and went off at him. Told him to never come back. Why come back and say all that just to disappear?

JUST NO HOPE, EVEN ON MEDS. Now I have not heard a single word from him in a month now, I mean he comes back sayng all that only to disappear? Now I'm really done with him.

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replied January 7th, 2012

Experienced User

hi kitty 847
you must have felt like you were on a roller coaster ride from hell! Stay strong.

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replied January 9th, 2012

I am so sad for you, but it does sound like it is time to move on and not go back to him. Sad

Why should you spend so much emotional energy for someone who is more worried about his emotions than yours. The disappearing act does not seem to bother him. Sad

Not sure how things are going with mine....we had this nice talk and all, but then he shut me out again yesterday. I did not ask why... I just accepted it. I do not know why he got ticked about me asking him to bring ice to the wedding reception but he won't talk about it, so I won't bother pushing it. *sigh*. This was yesterday. He is in a mood again today so I am just doing my own thing and waiting until he contacts me. I know he will be mad because I am not pushing to have contact with him, but I get so tired of being ignored. I send text messages and he does not respond sometimes for days...sometimes right away...depends on his mood. ugh..it gets so very old...

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Hoping4thebest

replied January 8th, 2012

Wow, I identify with this. Unfortunately Im 8 weeks pregnant by someone similar. He goes from saying he loves me he wants to marry me, he wants to live together to saying this isnt going to work...etc. He says hes coming over and litterally goes to a bar and doesnt tell me. I have to text him and ask him where he is and hes like...go ahead be mad! I dont care! Then he dissapears for days and doesnt go to work. Im sorry you went through this but be glad you are not in my position. I dont want an abortion but I wish I was not pregnant with this rollercoaster man!

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