Hi Samantha,

I am 24, and I struggled with bulimia for almost eight years (beginning in 1998). I can completely relate to the feelings you shared (although I never "cut"). I know about the "trance" feeling--I used to just be sitting in class and get an urge to binge on some food, and couldn't do anything else until I had binged and purged it--even if it took 5 hours of my time. Of course, afterward I would feel so bad that I had wasted all that time and money. --I will tell you that I was never able to say "no" to a trance after it was triggered, but over time (slowly) they stopped being triggered.
I also had similar feelings of "this isn't really hurting me". I played on the varsity teams, and was at the top of my class. I am not going to give a doctor's list of all the ways it could be affecting you, because I didn't care if I was hurting myself back then. I never had rotted teeth, or ulcers, or holes in my esophagus like some warned. The only time I really thought about what I might be doing to myself was when my teeth caused cuts on my knuckles, and once when I was purging a large pizza my nose started bleeding really bad.
I only tried going to a counselor one time, in 2004, because my mother made me go. I got so ticked off at her because she couldn't even say the darn word bulimic right (she kept asking about how my boo-lemia made me feel I agree with you, I think it was something that I had to do all by myself, when I was ready. Although, I did have to try quitting several times before I was finally able to stop for good. I want to encourage you not to feel bad if you try many many times to quit, but can't. I used to try promising God that I wouldn't throw up again, thinking that being accountable to the Big Guy would give me extra power to resist, but I would end up doing it anyway--and feel extra bad about letting Him down (which I now know was silly).
I just want you to know that there are other women out there dealing with the same thing, and those who have done & gone through exactly what you are going through now (I never knew that, and think I used be reinforcement by my "secret" that I thought no one else would possible understand). Your mind, when you are bulimic, can cause you to do some pretty strange things. Now that I have recovered, I can look back and realize that the things I did didn't make me strange or weird, or gross, because I wouldn't have done them if I wasn't affected. Please know that if you can't understand where I am coming from, how I am saying these things, or even think about being away from bulimia I completely understand. It is hard to explain (almost as if my life when I was bulimic was in a totally different world), I never thought I would be able to stop thinking about food, planning my day around meals & private places to throw up, and whether anyone could tell I what I had just done, BUT...I don't! AND...I KNOW that one day you will be able to say the same thing to someone else!
Let me know what else I can say/do to help out, or if you just have questions!