Hi Caitin. I can 100% understand how you are feeling. You feel like you are so completely out of control and that you will never get your life back. I have suffered from bulimia for close to 10 years now and am here to tell you that you can get better. You can get your life back, be happy and not let food control your whole world. It sounds like you are really wanting to get better and that is the first step. While I understand you not wanting to see a doctor of course I have to recommend you do. It helped me so much! It seems scary but this is what these people are there for, they will not judge you. In regards to you thinking that you are just obsessed with food...that is not the case. You are numbing feelings or emotions that you don't know how to deal with. You are self medicating. These are things you will learn in therapy. You will discover why you do these and things and learn the tools you need to overcome this addiciton/disease. Anyway, I am rambling. I actually have just started a blog documenting my progress in my recovery if you want to check it out lovinbuttah.blogspot.com... it's new so there isn't a ton to it yet. My email address is on there as well if you would like more advice from me or you could always write me through this site. Please don't hesitate to reach out. Take care of yourself.