I think I need help. Whenever I get too angry, I hit myself. I prefer there to be something heavy in my hands so I can make a bigger bruise, and I only do this when I'm fighting with an authority figure that I respect. I have to punch walls sometimes, because I want my knuckles to bruise and I can't get the same feeling just hitting my body.
It's confusing for me, because I know what I'm doing isn't healthy, and I know I'll calm down soon enough, that nobody needs to be hurt. For some reason, I just want to be covered in bruises. When I look at them after hitting myself, I don't feel sad or ashamed, I feel almost proud of myself, and apply pressure on them for fun.
If I get really sad instead of angry, I cut myself occasionally. Generally I cheer myself up in a short amount of time, but recently when I do feel sadness, it's physically painful in my chest and I hate myself for being so weak and stupid, I hate my face and everything about me, and wish nobody knew me and at the very least that they didn't know my appearance. These depressive bouts only last 15 minutes to half an hour, and the best thing at those moments is to lock myself in my room, cut my arms or legs and even on occasion cry abit. I dunno how many guys get this way, it seems kinda stupid..
I don't cut to feel or anything, I just like watching myself bleed. I feel better imagining that I might get some infection because I used a dirty blade, and how likely it is that in being hospitalised a doctor might fix me, even though I know these ideas lack logic and sanity. I don't know what to do, a part of me doesn't want the scars, and I'm constantly afraid my guardian will see, and I'd be horribly embarrassed for him to know.
I need advice or something, I used to see a psychologist, but she said I don't need to see her because every time I did I'd be so happy that I'd forget to mention the bad things, and she'd see someone who smiles genuinely during every visit. I tried to tell some of my closest friends, but I always say it wrong. I say it like it means nothing, and if anyone asks how I'm doing, I grin uncontrollably. I've tried to stop grinning in those situations but I can't so there's no point trying to tell them. Everything looks like a joke, or completely offhanded.
What should I do?
