Single and Pregnant Forum - brokenheart/triple whammy

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Q: brokenheart/triple whammy

asked by: daniolive on July 10th, 2009

New User

I'm about 5-6 months pregnant and my boyfriend broke up with me about 5-6 weeks ago, for reasons like, my feelings are not as strong as they used to be, I "nagged" him about when he was going to move in and better communication. I am keeping him involved with appointments but we don't talk otherwise. There is no hate between us, just a little bit of awkwardness when we do see each other. His mother and I are really close and she wants us to get back together. She also said he seems to be depressed a lot of the time, sobbed the other night but I know he is keeping himself occupied by hanging with friends and not being around the house too much of the time. When I do see him, he seems to act pretty normal. I put up a huge wall I never knew I had.
I have been diagnosed with depression on top of this and the break up was a major trigger and forced me to finally go get some help, so I am working on myself right now to better my future with my children, myself, my family and possibly him... if there's another chance?
We broke up once before but for like a day, and nothing was resolved or worked upon. I need to mention as well my hormones and depression both played a major role in how I was acting... I mean they are double due to the twins in my womb. He is 21, and I am 29... He's pretty mature for his age and I am pretty immature for my age so we kind of balance each other out. He comes from a great family and his parents are high school sweethearts so his morals good.

I'm not sure if I should make the move to talk things over with him? give it more time? how much time is enough time? or just let things unfold naturally? He is not a talker or a communicator so I don't want to push him further and further away.

I would like some kind of insight...guys? girls? Please help a sister out.

Replies(33)

rightside

replied on July 10th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Good for you on trying to get your life in a good place. Twins is going to be alot of work, I know, because i AM one! Your ex is probably overwhelmed by the pregnancy, and I can't say I blame him. Not only does he have to provide for one child...now TWO! I highly suspect that sobbing was the guilt he is feeling over breaking up with you, coupled with all the feelings about being a father to twins. Guys that don't talk much....I married one, you have to be real gentle with them and if you decide to talk to him, talk like a FRIEND, not a girlfriend. If you try and be understanding (and I know this can be hard, when you'd like to give him a good smack...)you will get farther with this kind of guy. Ask him what he's feeling about all this. Most of the focus with a pregnancy is usually on the mother, with the father coming in dead last over the baby(s). That's about all you can do, and if he says he wants to stay apart, then you must go on and make a life for YOUR family. He may just change his feelings once he sees those babies! Good luck, and congrats on your twins!

daniolive

replied on July 10th, 2009

New User

So you think I should talk with him? I wish I didn't have to do this. Maybe wait until the babies come? My only hesitation in talking with him would be my "insta" tears and the fact that he has shown no signs of communication with me since my last gyne apt a week ago. Is this cause he is scared, or just doesn't care? I told him I'd keep him updated on apts, but starting to think I should stop trying to involve him cause of his lack of actions.

rightside

replied on July 10th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Ok, this is what I would do, and did do to my husband when I threw him out for cheating...I stayed away from him, didn't call him or ask him to come around. He would come and bring me money for the kids once a week, I'd say "thanks, see ya." I made sure he was out of there fast, and I started to try and live my life in between crying (which I NEVER let him see..) and taking care of my kids. When I finally did HAVE to talk to him, I was calm, civil, more like a friend, and he totally started crying and begging to come home. He was always a quiet person, hard to talk to. One of those kind that when you ask them what's wrong they say..."nothing." When he saw that I didn't want to bother with him, and I was going on with my life, he couldn't handle it. For now, just do what you have to do alone. If he should come around, don't talk to him like his girlfriend. He'll probably clam up if you do. Let him start the conversation if he wants to talk. I crack up at these guys...we are the ones who get pregnant...THEY get confused! LOL! His mind is probably racing right now. Men can't handle pressure...that's why God made WOMEN mothers! You are right about not involving him for now. If he wants to be part of those kid's lives, let him make the move. Then, you know he comes of his own free will.

daniolive

replied on July 11th, 2009

New User

true true!! I am no longer contacting him, even about visits... no more nothing, like you said, stay away. I called his mom tonight to let her know how I was feeling because she wants everything to work out but I had to let her know I am now just mad and angry at him. I don't think he will come around and if he does, for the kids... fine, great. but if he came back for me, I would have to think long and hard, or simply say no, I don't think so. Cause he just proved to me that once things get a little rough around the edges, he can't take the heat and runs. He did it once, he'll do it again. I have a 3 yr old that asks about him still. I can't keep letting him in and out.. just cause he decides when and if he's sorry.
I sure do hope to get to the point where you are, finding humor in how certain men get away with how they act, but as of now I am just angry at the ones who are cowards.

Thanks again for your time and sorry for venting~

rightside

replied on July 11th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Good for you! when you get angry, you get strong, and that will give you the courage to move on and make a good life for yourself and your kids. I agree, these guys think they can come and go whenever they feel like the want to shake up our lives, or get laid, and because we are the more sensitive, loving and forgiving sex, we let them walk all over us again and again. Well, no more for me, and no more for you! All you get is kicked in the rear for your troubles. You'll be fine without him, and if he should come to his senses and want you back, YOU will have the choice, not him. Ahh, revenge is sweet, but living well is the BEST revenge! Take care and God bless. Vent anytime! I am always around the forum!

daniolive

replied on July 11th, 2009

New User

well, I gathered some things he got my little girl and stuff he got for the house and without notifying him, I dropped it off on his mom's front porch. Not sure if that was a good move, but I don't care anymore. It was doing no good being in bags in my car. I am so pissed at him for doing this. And I feel he is too much of a coward to even try to come back. What a douchebag! OH! And I would like to write "coward" on his car, slash his tires and damage something important to him. I can't believe he can think he can get away with hurting someone like this.

rightside

replied on July 11th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Well, it's one thing to be mad, but the best way to get him is to not let him know you even care at all. When you're mad, that mean you still have SOME kind of emotion for him, but when you act like you don't care, he knows the feelings you had for him are GONE! It works boy! I tried it! Good for you on getting him out of your system!

daniolive

replied on July 12th, 2009

New User

thanks.... I am glad what I did wasn't too messed up. I figure he can have the stuff at his house and when and if my little girl goes over there, she can play with it there. And I am no so much angry anymore, Just indifferent.

wendyrs

replied on July 12th, 2009

Supporter

Hi Daniolive, I think you're doing the right thing getting him out of your system. It's a woman's rights to be a little hormonal during pregnancy and a real man will stand by his woman while she is carrying his child. In your case children. I wouldn't give him a second thought or the time of day. If he does come back to you and you take him back he will probably bail everytime things get stressful and that's no way to live your life. Not an excuse but he is very young and it sounds like he's really scared. It's great that you went for help. Just love and take care of your children. Someday soon you will find a man or he will find you, and he will love you even when times get tough. Real men don't dump their pregnant girlfriends or wives. I wish you luck!

daniolive

replied on July 12th, 2009

New User

Thanks a bunch. I am going to try real hard not to think about him.... I just keep going back in my mind and blaming myself for some of my reactions during the fights.(pregnancy and depression combined is lethal.. ha) I am glad to have the support from the girls out there.

wendyrs

replied on July 12th, 2009

Supporter

You're welcome! Be strong and know that there is someone better out there.

daniolive

replied on July 13th, 2009

New User

ha... in turn that means there is someone better for HIM out there. Ewe!

wendyrs

replied on July 13th, 2009

Supporter

NO!! Put that out of your mind fast..whomever ends up with him will have to deal with his immaturity.

ServiceU

replied on July 14th, 2009

Supporter

i was 26 when my ex was 21. i thought that his maturity would catch up with mines, so i gave him 5 years. let's just say i will never date a younger guy again. EVER!!!!
This guy is very young, and i m not trying to justify his actions, but he might be scared that he is bringing two babies into this world. and being 21 years old he would be responsible for four people himself.
communication is key in all relationships.
but my advice is to concentrate on yourself and your babies. i m sure everything will work out fine.

wendyrs

replied on July 14th, 2009

Supporter

Yeah, I'm not making excuses for him either, but my son is going to be 20 soon and I can't imagine him being mature enough to deal with bringing two babies into the world. Although he's mature in many ways, he's also still a kid himself.

daniolive

replied on July 15th, 2009

New User

It's been almost two weeks since I last seen/ heard from my ex. We were at my last gyne appointment. I got a text from him almost two days ago saying "How r u?" I have not responded and I and at this point, don't plan on it. I mean how am I supposed to answer that one?! How am I?!?
I understand he was getting four extra people in his life, me my daughter and the babies, but one, he knew that the day we found out I was pregnant and two, I don't think he left because of that. His feelings were not as strong as they used to be... or so he says. Anyway, I am having new issues and visions of a new possible girlfriend, which I am sure is not the case now, but will be, and how in the world am I supposed to cope with her holding my babies and then pretending they have a family and vice versa..... I know I am jumping the gun here, but these thoughts consume my brain and make me ill.

Thanks for taking the time out to help me.

rightside

replied on July 15th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Your mind is going to wander, with the hormones that are pulsing through you right now. All I can tell you is that everything happens for a reason, and this might not be the end of things for you and him. Just take a wait/see attitude for now, and try to stay away from him. Make him come to you. I think he might sooner or later. Don't worry about another girlfriend. One thing I learned is that we have no control over someone else's actions, so there is no point worrying about them. He knows those are his babies, and he might do a complete turn around once they have arrived. When he sees what you are going through for him, he might just find that love come flooding back.

daniolive

replied on July 15th, 2009

New User

thanks you so much for the words. I am just so devastated. My plan is to stay away from him.

rightside

replied on July 15th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Don't worry sweetie...God's got a plan for you and your beautiful children! we're here for ya!

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