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Breaking up with someone with Bi Polar Disorder (Page 1)

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I have been in a relationship for over 5 years with a man who is bi-polar. When we got together, he was great, in the sense that he fulfilled a need to be needed.

My first mistake was jumping into a relation after a 15 year marriage ended, but I did.

He's medicated, but usually after a few months, it starts to slack off. He works, but doesnt make enough to support himself (basically his paycheck goes to child support and gas to get there) I pay all the bills, take care of everything and all the while I feel like I am walking on eggshells as not to "upset" him.

He stays up too late, then can't wake up in the morning, so he skips work. He sleeps all weekend. He likes to spend too much money, although he doesnt have any, he smokes marijuana (I don't). He has no goals, no aspirations, and we are just moving in different directions.

Dilemma: Whenever I discuss ending the relationship, he cries, tells me he wants to be together forever, he loves me, can't live without me and the sad thing is, I believe this. All of his friends and family have turned their backs on him and I feel I am the only thing he has. So, basically he guilts me into staying.

He says he'll do better and "do the right thing" but never does....for more than a day or two.

I feel selfish, like I should try harder to make it work, but no matter what I do, I can't feel that way about him anymore. We have no love, no passion (his meds have taken good care of killing his libido), we can sit for hours in the room together and never speak.

He's not a nice person, he's not friendly to people, and I am a very outgoing person and I always feel like I have to stifle myself when I am with him as not to "set him off".

I am in debt because I am supporting us both (his child support takes 60% of his income because he's over $50K in debt to his x). My children are almost grown up and out of the house, and I feel like my taking care of children days are behind me and this is no longer satisfying, but the only way I can explain it is, I feel like I took on this "responsibility" and I have to see it through to the end no matter what the cost (my sanity)

....and with all this, I still can't bring myself to ask him to leave. It's my house, my vehicle, my money, and the idea of leaving him with nothing kills me.

Stuck in a rut....looking for advise from someone who's been in a similar situation.
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First Helper Mande1985
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replied May 19th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Sure sounds like your off to a very bad start. BP relationships are bad enough to struggle through even when your trying your best on both sides. And even that has a chance of bombing out. BP relationships do not have a good track record. But, on the other hand, there are those out there that have stuggled though and have made it. All depends how you except the disorder and if the person is willing to get the help to save the relationship or not. That's it in a nut shell.
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replied September 22nd, 2009
Do what is best for you.. not him.
YOU ARE DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR HIM AND NOT WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU! YOU ARE NOT SELFISH AND NEED TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!

I recently got out of a relationship with someone who is bi-polar and you basically recalled my whole past relationship (except the child support). After breaking up with them they wanted me to stay with them in the house bc they didn't want to live alone. I agreed and three months later I walked out with a bloody nose and bruises all over my body. Luckily I had a good family that came and got me. They drove over 10 hours to get me.

I think you know your answer. It sounds like you know what you should do but because of what he says.. its pulling at your heart strings and you feel bad.

I am not going to tell you what to do but because all of this for me just ended this saturday 9/19/09.. I will tell you this. No matter what he says.. it will not change. You need to be strong and when you finally do leave him.. please make sure you have made plans to get out of there right afterwards. I feel like a fool for staying for my ex.

I do not want anyone going through the same thing as me.

Good luck and God bless.
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replied September 26th, 2009
Experienced User
Mande is sooooooo right!!

I suggest you plan your escape. set the date and time.
Then just do it.

AND do not go back.

I kept going back. kept believing that I could "fix" it. It hurt to just dump him and run...but.. it was the only way I could get out and stay out.

Please... you cannot fix him. You must act to preserve yourself.

Good luck.
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replied October 24th, 2009
?
Did you leave him?
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replied June 23rd, 2010
How did you get out?
You have literally described the exact experience I am going through. I know that I don't love him, I know that this will not be "fixed" as he constantly claims - but for some reason I keep going back. I have been to see a therapist myself for the situation and even though I understand why I've gotten to this place, I can't see to figure out how to get out without a HUGE amount of drama and crying and guilt. And instead of facing that head on- I back away from it. I've never been like this - I've never had a problem breaking up with someone but in this situation I feel I can't.

Did you end up finally getting out?
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replied June 23rd, 2010
Supporter
Itsjustmeok,

Welcome to the forum. I understand you are going through a really tough time and you should not be supporting out of guilt. He made his bed, its not your responsibility. Sounds like you are raising another child. I was diagnosed BPD 5 years ago after great stress. I immediately realized I was not mentally healthy and sought help. I am still happily married but I acknowledged I had a problem, and persistantly continued to find the right meds. It took sometime but I am the happy, self confident person I was. When you have a mental disorder you have to stay on top of it. You must take your medication, if you start feeling out of sorts than you immedately see your psychiatrist or psychologist. BPD can be managed quite well, but the person must take all the proper steps to stay on top of it. I feel so sorry for you but I believe if he refuses to take responsibility for his health than you need to get out of the relationship. Does he take any type of medication or see a mental health professional. So many times people do not want to admit they have a mental illness, they do not want to be labeled or thought of as crazy. Many people that use this site have had many problems in bi-polar relationships. They have told everyone in the forum to run away. I just want to say once more, this can be managed, we can lead a normal life, and people can have a sucessful in a relationship with someone who has BPD if they take the steps to manage it. I am not afraid to admit I have BPD, it is a chemical imbalance of the brain, its not something I asked for, just something that I have to live with and care for the rest of my life.

Cindy
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replied June 24th, 2010
I am new to this site, and am living with someone who is bipolar. I love him so much but don't know how much more I can take, with his ups and downs. That confuses me so much. We have been dating for 3 years now. Recently he threw me out of his house, then about a month later begs me to come back to him. I'm not experienced with this so I thought he was sincere. Now I feel it coming on again, the name calling, starting fights over things he makes up in his head. And I am so loving patient and too good for him. I don't know what to do.
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replied June 24th, 2010
Supporter
soconfusing

Is your boyfriend taking his meds everyday, if he has ups and downs does he take the initiative to go back to see his doctor, to let him know he it struggling. I will be the first to admit being bipolor myself unless your boyfriend takes responsiblity for this disorder your life with him will be a rollar coaster ride. You sound loving and caring but you should not be mistreated this way. Its not healthy for you.

Cindy
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replied July 10th, 2011
leaving someone whos bipolar
I've been dating someone whos bipolar for 6yrs... I've sat through everything including his psychosis and hospitalization...I had a restraining order on him during which time i agreed to see a counselor with him to try and help, but as soon as he was seeing her himself he lied as much as he could and refused to address his problem. His assault charge I got the prosecutor to try him through mental health court so he could get real help. Originally he agreed to get on medication and be honest with the psychologists, until I stayed, and he made excuses, and lied, and then decided he was fine. He is rapid cycling, ( I mean sometimes multiple times a day back and forth, he been diagnosed with generalized psychosis to but that one didn't really seem as accurate...)Regardless, throughout the past six years I have done everything I can to try and help him and help our relationship. But he is Not going to change while I'm still in the picture I don't really think he can. I think people stay against their better judgement because you know what will happen when you leave, and you don't want the worst of it to happen to anyone. Sometimes its easier to pretend things will get better, because what happens is so irrational and painful its easier to consider it an anomaly rather than a rule or a pattern. I don't really know but writing about it is helpful in my resolve about leaving.. because leaving someone whos bipolar can be one of the most painful difficult and dangerous things I've ever tried to do.. both in being made to suffer and watching someone else suffer
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replied February 12th, 2012
Breaking up with your bi'polar partner.
I just broke up, or we broke up my girlfiend and I. We have had problems for years, and I recently put it together that she most likely is bipolar. I was kicked out of her house told that I was dead to her and that she never hated anyone as much as me in her whole life. I did everything for this women because I loved her, it has been hard and will write again soon to explain more. It is so hard dealing with the abuse I was receiving and now the quilt I'm feeling because I was the best I could be for her but it wasn't enough.
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replied February 15th, 2012
Experienced User
Sadly, you were never going to be enough. No one is ever going to be enough.

I went thru it all too. For a long time I took the abuse and tried to make things right. Finally, I had to face the fact that nothing is going to make it "alright" for an unmedicated bp.

I kept getting pulled back in. I would get the "I hate you b*tch" in my face (usually in public)..then silence for a long time...then "come back to me, you are the love of my life..I need you"...flowers and flattery.

If you are truly out of it now...do you best to turn the page and move on. The sooner you put this totally behind you, the sooner you can begin to heal
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Users who thank katie33kate for this post: n2kismet 

replied February 15th, 2012
guys m dating a guy who is also having the same problem, worsse patr of it is that he not working but his friends is doing anything he wants for him. I always talk to him whn he is in a better condition thenn he listen and say he regrets and he wont do this things again. But i one day told myself that i want to end the relationship and he got mad at me to a point that he thretend to kill me if i lives him and he can do it because he shoot killed someone and nvr got arrested and he said he did because he high on drugs an also drunnk. So this person is the real threat to me, worse part of it, is that we live near to each other. plz advices on how to get im out of my life without bein hurt or dead
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replied November 11th, 2012
I too am in a similiar situation. And I am sorry that their is no easy anwser. Calling the cops will just get him a slap on the wrist, which will only infuriate him more, putting u in more danger. The best suggestion I can make to you is to move asap and do it without a trace. Ive done the restraining order thing as well and its a joke.A piece of paper isnt gonna stop a bullet. I recently broke up with my medicated bp and he cried, begged and pleaded for me to stay with him. The next day he drank an entire bottle of sleep meds n was texting me that he would do these things if I didnt stay with him. I called his parents n they took him to the hosp. Its all about manipulation. In my particular situation I am attempting to "ween" him off of me. If I just cut him off cold turkey, I know he would snap n then id b in serious danger. I would assume the same for you.Im not sure if what I am doing is the right thing, but it seems the safest to me.If anyone has any better ideas plz help me out! For you, find someone who you can stay with. someone he doesnt know n wouldnt suspect. Get a storage unit n move in the middle of the night. thats what I did atleast. Good luck, keep in mind their are always shelters if you have no where to go.
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replied November 11th, 2012
How do I break up with my bi-polar bf???
okay so I am new to this online forum thing but I need advice and this seems to be the place. I have been in a serious relationship with a BP man for about 4months now. When we first started dating everything was amazing! He was open about his BP and is medicated. I started to notice a super controlling side here and there but then it got worst and worst. He began to accuse me of cheating on him, would snoop through my things and pick fights over things that he made up in his own head. It got to the point where I could not even talk to other men. Thats when it hit me that this would never work for me. I broke up with him after we had both been drinking. Granted it was not the best situation, but his attempts to control me finally forced my hand. That night he went home and the next day I asked him to pack my things so that I could pick them up. He brought them to me instead. That night he texted me saying that he didnt feel well and asked if i would take him to the hosp. I knew he was attempting to control me and to guilt me into doing anything to be physically near him. I did not go, he had been starving himself so that he would be ill and get my attention. The next day we talked a little bit and he continued to beg for another shot with me. Again, the answer was no. But i am afraid to stop talking to him all in all. The next day he texts me and tells me that he is gonna drink a entire bottle of sleep meds if I didnt stay with him. I called his mom and told her. She took him to the hosp. I am trying to slowly ween him off of me and im trying to stay busy.But i am scared for him and for myself as well. He is also a HUGE gun advocate and he owns alot. Today he text me telling me that he has a job interview a store rt by my house, Which is 45minutes away from where he lives!I feel trapped and I dont know the safest way to end this completely(even though ive said it to him 1000x). I really do love him and care about him but I know that we cannot be together. What is the safest/healthiest way to get him out of my life? Oh and his mother is also texting me saying things like "if the world ends next month you will regret this wasted time." Again, the attempts at manipulation are out of control. uggh plz help?!? thanks
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replied May 16th, 2013
looking for some advice or perspectives
ok - i am in a 5 year relationship with a bipolar individual. She was only recently been diagnosed and I need to give her credit because she did go see someone and is now on a path to recovery. My problem is that it has come too late for me, i believe. we have had our ups and downs - i always thought it was me - but a recent episode caused her to realize that it wasnt. its only been a month - but i do not see any difference in her except that she is cycling faster - what took days/weeks is now occurring within a day or over days. i dont want to give up on tis, but don't know what the future has in store and whether this is really recoverable. I am tired of walking on eggshells, of not being able to talk with her because i dont know who will be showig up at any moment. she has two children from previous marriages and the more i speak with the children about their growing up - the more that I realize that this has been a condition for a long time. her first husband tried to have her see someone but she refused. anyhow i am at a crossroad. we are to be wed in july and i dont think that i have the fortitude to see this thru. she is emotionally abusive - death by a 1000 cuts. she know how to hurt and does it with great skill. after her being diagnosed it explained a lot to me - and has allowed me to better manage my responses - but i don't know if this will continue - even while she continues to take her meds. My sister and mother are/were both bi-polar. its given me some perspectives - but i always had the option of not being involved at my choosing. sine we live together, that is not really an option. I know that at a minimum that marriage needs to be pulled off the table until she shows some consistent behavior. the bigger question - is do i ask her to leave. we have trust issues, she cant get past things - doesn't forgive and forget, emotionally abusive and elects to sleep elsewhere in the house because she cant sleep. thoughts, perspectives, advice would be welcome.
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replied May 16th, 2013
Validation
Hello. You already know the right answer. I believe you are seeking validation. Please step back from this relationship for a while so you can really see it for what it is. IMHO, you are setting yourself up for much misery. Why? 5 years of "walking on egg shells" and abuse. It isn't going to stop. She isn't going to stop. Even with medication it will always be difficult. As the person ages, the disorder gets worse. Please love yourself enough not to willingly acccept bad behavior. You aren't that desperate! I'm sorry to be so blunt/harsh, but this is what I truly believe and would tell my closest friend. I wish you nothing but peace.
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replied May 16th, 2013
recoveryatlast - thanks for the quick post. i know. its just tough unwinding a relationship like this.
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replied May 30th, 2013
Experienced User
I don't recommend you stay with him out of guilt - there is nothing between you two, why sting it along - you cant afford his mistakes, you are grown and know who you are, he is getting the best of you, I recommend you get out asap, I understand im bipolar myself but im functioning and can support myself - he is obviously not on the right combo of meds and needs to stay on a regimine - sorry this is happening to you, do whats best for you
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replied June 25th, 2013
Wow, all of this sounds so familiar. I have been in a relationship with someone with BP for 8 months now. I am fortunate that he works and takes care of the majority of the bills because I was recently in an accident and lost my job and I still have another surgery to go. My family would gladly take me in until I am able to get a job and back on my own but I feel guilty leaving because he does not have a car and I get him to work every day. He says he loves me and he has never felt like this before. It is so sad. I do care for him a lot but it has already become physical during arguments and after a a 20 year marriage where physical abuse took place I can't bring myself to stay but I haven't left yet because of guilt.
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replied November 19th, 2013
Reading your comments sicken me. I have been battling bipolar for years and have had people to breakup with me bc of it and it hurts like hell. I suggest you leave like everyone says but leave bc of you and not his illness. We bipolar people need love, support and a genuine person in our life not someone that's there only through the good times. I say this to say, you knew going in his financial situation, mental illness and etc so you should have left in the beginning in my opinion. It's wrong to leave a person bc of having an illness that he can't control. Know, it could be you. Everybody in his life walked away, come on!! That's stress he doesn't need. Support him for trying, continuing to live inspite of illness. So many people with bipolar are killing themselves bc of the illness itself. If you love him then accept it and move on but if you are thinking about your feelings then leave! Stop making excuses and STOP stringing him alone. Stop taking ignorant advice from people that lack knowledge about mental illness.
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replied December 10th, 2013
I agree. Speaking as one that left, I did not understand what was happening in my relationship and knew absolutely nothing about manic depression/bipolar. After I left, I sought help because I became depressed. That is when I learned most of the pitfalls in my past relationship were not her fault, but her sickness.

If you know about your partner's mental illness then you owe it to yourself and to your partner to work together as a team. I was not that lucky and learned too late.
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replied December 10th, 2013
After reading some of your response it sadden me. I''ve been struggling with bp for five years now and yes it''s tough but can be manage. You all knew going into a relationship that the person has a condition that leads to manic, depression, and elevated moods so you should took on the task. We as bp have enough trouble with the illness itself but to have some walk away is harder. You have to remind yourself that it''s a CHEMICAL Imbalence. You must first educate yourself and not play with another human beings feelings. Know, it could be you with bp so how would you feel if everyone walked out your life for a condition you can''t help. My advice, do what''s best for you and never take on the responsibility if YOU are not able to be in the relationship as a supporter in the good,bad and ugly.(it can get ugly) for those that are in a relationship with someone bp: when a person is manic get him or her help, if someone is cerebrally abusive then don''t take it personally(it''s the condition), know your limits and leave the reason to professional, get involved with the persons treatment team and most of all support the individual. Having a mental illness is hard and yes you sometimes get in a dark place bc the world have turned against you. Some might express their feelings and it could be hash but don''t take it personal. Having bp makes one feel life is not living(sometime you want to die) but Your job is to encourage your partner through the dark times. Before any relationship, you have to access self to know if you are ready so...do that with a Bp before you decide to commit or agree to a relationship. It''s hurtful to have someone walk away over a mental illness, I know first hand. Sounds like you are not in love with the person bc if you did love him you will accept him for him but since you don''t then leave him, have peace in your decision, stop feeling guilt/pity for him-he can do better and find someone that will love him despite his condition. He''s a HUMAN BEING not an ANIAMAL! You ppl have no heart. The man needs help so help him see he needs the help and if he does help himself then you do what you need to do. Move on, let go, and leave him alone.
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