I was diagnosed BP in December of 2004 after a severe depressive episode. I never quite understood why I was the way I am until then. Now that I know what causes me to have such incredible mood swings my main goal is to try my best to control them.
Oddly enough the thing that has helped me the most over the past couple of years is staying optomistic and happy as often as possible, which with enough will power is fairly easy to do. However recently, my boss and my peers at work have asked me to be less than "happy-go-lucky"... I am young adult (21 yrs old) in a leadership position with a very large company and my peers are concerned that my demeanor will be viewed as inappropriate or as a sign of weakness for lack of better words. I can absolutely see thier point of view however since this is a coping mechanism for me, essentially I am being asked to turn my whole world upside down.
I personally am easily triggered by failure ( I am and always have been a people pleaser) so to hear this feedback (which wasnt given to me as pleasantly as Ive portayed it here) on top of finding out on friday that I am not going to be given a position that I feel I deserve, has sent me into a depressive state. It is to the point where I know I cannot go into work because it would be quite obvious that I am not okay, however being out of work makes me feel like even more of a failure.
Simultaneously I know that my boss is dissapointed with me, and this makes me even more upset. I know that if my peers would take the time to actually see me workplace tactics they would be able to see that my pleasantness is not taken for weakness, and that if they could see the situation from my point of view they would be more understanding about it, however I am hesitant to talk about BPD with them in fear that doing so could prevent me from receiving future opportunities.
I cannot quit my job because I have (A LOT of) bills to pay and the chances of my finding another job at this level at my age are slim. I honeslty havent spoken about this to any one, not even my Dr. so im pretty sure a leave from work is not an option right now (and im concerned that if I do take a leave it will be the end of my career.) Right now the only option that I see available to me is to leave myself vulnerable to my BP to comply with my bosses request. I really do not know what to do.
Have any of you been in a similar situation? If you have any advice to give I would appreciate it more than you know.