It's been a while since I've been on here. The last time, I posted a flurry of messages and then dropped off the face of the earth. Thanks to everyone who welcomed me

I'm on 900 of lithium currently, and I think I'm doing well with it. The nausea is tolerable if I take it right before bed. My moods are, well...damper, at least, though I guess I'm still not sleeping very much.

But, I've been something of a hot smoking mess lately with regards to partying. I'm in college, so it's just that sort of environment. Also, since my upswing a few weeks ago, I've felt like I've been reborn, and that I'm a real rockstar, so I've been SUPER social. I've always been a heavy drinker, so I guess bad habits are hard to break.

I ended up blacking out completely a few weeks ago and doing some things I really should not have done. So, I figured once is once, I'm allowed it. But this past weekend, I blacked out two nights in a row. The worst part is, I don't just pass out or get drowsy, I'm full on active without realizing it. I'm a walking, talking amnesiac. I'm hesitant to ask my friends what I do because I honestly do not want to know. What I have been told sounds very very foolish, but unmistakably me. I just feel as if I have NO control whatsoever over what I say, or do. I already have a reputation for being wild at parties but this excessive even for me.

Ugh, I hate that I don't remember a thing, not even with with triggers. Am I alone with these behaviors?