Hi All. My question is short and I thank you in advance for your responses
Dealing with my own friend who seems to be suffering wth Bipolar or Borderline Personality disorder has led me to this site. I have noticed that almost everyone in a relationship on here talks about being shut out or rejected or is getting the silent treatment on and off from their BP/BPD significant other and mention how they continue talking and relating to other people in their lives but not the "SO" I would like to ask why that is? Why do we, those who seem to be closest to you get shut out but others dont? This baffles my mind and I would love nothing more than to get even the sightest bit of understanding on this.
I really didn't understand the question.
Do you think bipolar people are being shut out/rejected by their significant other or that bipolar people shut out/reject their significant others?
I will try to answer both.
We bipolars expect from our significant others to understand us and tolerate us, not trying to change us.
We want to change, but with our own will and by setting our own limits to ourselves, not because someone else wants to change us.
We need unconditional love from our significant others, and when we don't get it we feel shut out and rejected.
So what do we do?
We react in the same way, turning our back to those who shut us out/reject us and try to find new friends, who will accept us as we are and will not try to change or control us.
It's that simple.
Smaro, I understand the unconditional love and acceptance. I have offered that so many times and he accepts it, until something goes wrong. Stress or a fight with his parents. He is 38 years old but has this dysfunctional relationship with his parents and it seems anytime they go at it, I get shut out and then when they patch things up, Im back in. I notice that many many SO's say that they are shut out while the BPs other friends are still in contact with the BP. I am just curious as to why it seems we, who love our BP SO's so much and would do anything for them and forgive, understand and accept them get the silent treatment while other friends who dont seem to mean as much get the happy go lucky, everything is great even when things arent treatment.
Again, I don't understand what you mean...
Maybe because we feel at ease with our significant others and think we can be as moody or as silent as we feel we need to be at those times of stress, while with our other friends we try to hide our feelings because we don't want them to pity or feel sorry for us?
Maybe I can't understand this question because I feel exactly the opposite thing, that the whole society shuts me out, not that I shut anybody out at any time.
Anyway, why don't you ask him this question and see what his own answer is?
Maybe he doesn't feel he shuts you out, but that he's trying to protect you from feeling as moody as he is at those times... or maybe he also hasn't understood that you feel this way, as I haven't for myself (if I ever do that).
Or maybe he needs more time to open up more of himself to you...
Oh, and when you feel this way, remind him you exist minute by minute, sometimes we get so distracted by a huge problem that we forget everything and everyone else... even ourselves, our own personal needs!
So when you see him drowning, jump inthe water and spread your hands and catch him, don't wait for him to call for you first!
My 'boyfriend' has bipolar II and borderline personality disorder.
He tells me he shuts me out because he is trying to protect me and does not deserve to be in my life. A lot of the time he thinks of himself as a horrible person who shouldn't even exist-he has told me this, which is why I know from what he says. He says I deserve better. I think they do it to the people they care about most because they're the ones they first think to protect.
But I know there is more. With the BPD, I have recently read that there are usually trust and abandonment issues that go along with it. Well, who can hurt worse? The person or people we love the very most and want in our lives the very most, or everyone else? Who do we fear leaving us most? To tell us the truth means that we could suddenly realize who they really are (which they sometimes think is a horrible, unworthy person)and then we'll abandom them like someone else has in their life. I think my 'boyfriend' (we don't label though we're exclusive which is why I put the quotes) is afraid to let me in, maybe because of shame and his fear that he'll let me in and then I'll run! This is was I've learned from my research and what I think I've been witnessing before and after his '4' very long disappearances and the few that weren't as long.
So I think, for him at least, it is a mix of protecting me from him, him feeling unworthy, feeling like a burden, being ashamed of himself, and his abandonment issues. He is seriously the most amazing man I've ever known in my life, but is more insecure than I could dream someone so wonderful as him could be. I'm insecure and always wondered when he'd figure out he could do so much better-during those first couple months when I was still in the dark about his issues, I had no idea he was thinking the same thing about me!
I hope this helps you-no ones answered my 2 questions yet and I haven't talked to my 'boyfriend' for the past 2 days, so I've been freaking out-it actually helps a little to think I may be helping you, though! Thank you for that-I need it!
Thank you soooo mucch to the other answerer! You helped me with your last answer-my boyfriend told me to just show up at his place if he's cutting me off, but I'm insecure. It helps to know that you'd like that as well! He says he's always happy to see me and have me cuddling in bed with him when he doesn't want to or can't get out-now that I know it could actually HELP him and comfort him rather than him just saying that to make me happy, I'm definitely more willing to do it! Seriously, thank you!
I have Bipolar Disorder and I'm reluctant to even enter a physical relationship with anyone because of the difficulties it involves.
I definitely want more closeness and intimacy in my life to try and help me deal with what I suffer from, yet on the other hand I also fear it. I also know that I've caused family and close friends a huge amount of heartache over the years and probably will continue to do so.
My most effective and closest relationships in life seem to end up being with people who are either:
a) Extremely emotionally stable themselves; so not hurt at all if I ignore them for a month while depressed, while equally they will give me attention and calm helpful advice if I am manic and rant at them over the phone for six hours. This kind of relationship helps me stay sane.
b) About as crazy as me, because then I feel common ground and can more easily trust that they understand me, that they won't judge me for the crap that goes on in my mind and my soul. This kind of relationship helps me feel less alone.
The only other strong long lasting relationships I have are where "you don't get any choice" i.e. family; in that case there's years and years of building up love and trust, where if they weren't family the relationship probably would have been abandoned a long time ago. I have an amazing relationship with my family I think by the standards of people suffering serious mental illness, and even then it can still be very rocky.
The fact that you're sensitive/close enough to be seriously hurt by your SOs behaviour, but sane enough that you don't understand the treatment, I think puts you awkwardly in between a) and b). I suggest if you are determined to make the relationship last - and it will take a lot of hard work and a lot of time - you need to attack it from both ends. You need to care more and care less at the same time, impossible as that sounds.
Care more, so that you can build more love and trust and your SO feels in less danger of being judged or abandoned by you. I don't think you can fully understand and empathise with serious mental illness unless you've experienced it yourself, but you can certainly try your best.
Care less, so that you feel less pain when you are neglected or mistreated. Often the last people I want to have anything to do with while depressed are the people I care about most - I feel guilty and ashamed and horrified at myself, and their attempts to contact me just make me feel more guilty and more anxious and less desiring to have any contact. You need to come to terms with that.
On top of all that you can't let the relationship get to the point where it actively harms the mental health of both you and the other person. This happens very easily - one of my best friends has BPD and has had a series of disastrous boyfriends including one who was badly depressed and alcoholic. Of course there was lots of verbal, emotional and physical violence in the relationship even though they loved one another a lot.
Yeah, anyway, so its not and never will be easy. That's all I'm really trying to say... just a little hypomanic
Learning about my bf's bpd and bp, and learning to distance...
What Gnositale (if that's the right spelling:P) said is very true. Since I first met my boyfriend who suffers from bpd and bp, I've learned a lot from reasearch lately, but also on my own. For a long time there, I totally freaked out when he'd 'disappear', trying to figure out why, getting very depressed over it myself, and contacting him at least once every day with some sort of emotional outburst that wwas unhealthy for the both of us, probably making him disappear for longer because of how upset 'he' was making me and adding guilt, stress, and embarrassment on top of what I was feeling. I had become much, much too attached to our time spent together, because for the first few months, we spent every other day together and I had gotten very used to that. But when his lows started hitting again, I was lost!
Well, now when he 'disappears' for however long, I can control myself better. I think before I act-before I send some over emotional, extremely long, embarrassing email, or a call 10 times a day. I take a deep breath, don't press send or call until I've thought it through. Now I send 75% less emails and call maybe once every couple days, really trying to not freak out in anyway, just letting him know I'm there and will still be there when he's ready for me to be 'back with him'. I do slip sometimes, but I'm only an overemotional, overanalyzing, obsessive human. I've learned to distance myself emotionally when he's gone, so he isn't the only thing I think about, and I can actually function. I've learned that I have to take care of my own issues and when he's ready for me to help him with his, I happily will. I may be closer to b (from the answer above mine) than you are-I've had many issues of my own in the past and am not totally emotionally healthy now, so maybe that's what makes me so understanding when I let my brain work too, not just my heart.
Just try to learn how to distance yourself a little better from the situation, still loving your SO the same and being there when they can have you there, but when they aren't there, it helps you both to know how to take a step back. And again, research is your best friend! The more you know, the more you can understand. No, because you don't have bp or bpd, you can't fully understand, but the more you know, the better you'll both be and the better your relationship will be. You can learn ways to help, understand their actions better, and if you're like me, you'll stop blaming yourself for disappearances, the cold shoulder you sometimes get, feeling so helpless, and so much more. I can be insecure, so the research I've done and in turn now feeling more comfortable to talk to him about things has helped me so much and I'm sure it can help anyone who is in a relationship with someone with bpd andd/or bp. For example, the hardest part for me is when he's gone for a week or 2 or 10, and he's told me in the past to just show up and not wait for a call, but I've always been too insecure to do that, so finally the other night on the phone, I mentioned maybe setting one day out of every week where if I don't hear from him, he'll be expecting me. Now, every Tuesday he'll be expecting me at his door at 4 pm with or without an okay. And he genuinly seemed happy about this. I was sure he'd say NO, but he was all for it, immediatly trying to figure out the best day for both of us where we'd be seeing each other no matter what his mood was like. And after that was figured out, I thanked him for doing it and he said, "Don't think I'm doing you any favors by hanging out with you. I probably enjoy hanging out with you more than you do with me!" By me being more open now, he is as well, so I honestly just love our new honesty, and that's partially because of my research and realizing that it isn't my fault-many things aren't my fault! And they aren't yours either. ANd they aren't HIS!!! Or your SO's! Every little bit you can learn can help!
So learning how to distance yourself a little and educating yourself can go a very, very long way! Good luck:)
ive not called or bother for 2weeks he does this alot explosive anger over nothing i am like you there thru it all for 7 years and i wont call but silent treatment from him really sucks i dont deserve it nor does anyone idont know this time if i will go back its happened to many times he leaves runs home to mommy hes 47 and doesnt want to know me until hes ready and when i did call( he said with such anger i will call u when i want to talk to you)
and he never takes blame for anything its always me when he does call do i answer my heart says yes my mind says other or do i wait a few days then answer please any advice cause this sucks