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Boyfriend no longer wants sex (Page 1)

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I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 5 years now. In the beginning sex was great and often, I couldn't ask for more. Over the years we have had dry spells, but nothing as bad as lately. I have actually written on here before asking for help/advice for the same problem, but things have only gotten worse.

We went from twice a week to once a week to EVERY OTHER WEEK, to....well it's been 22 DAYS now and NOTHING!!!!! sad2 I have done everything from flirting to being playful, acting like I don't care, trying to talk to him about it and bringing it up so that I can figure out what his problem is. I try really REALLY hard not to get hurt by his constant rejections and I try even harder not to think that he may be interested in some other girl or be unattracted to me, etc.

It's not just the no sex thing, which really bothers me. He doesn't seem to pay any attention to me lately. By attention I mean things like complimenting me, noticing any physical changes like a new hairstyle or different makeup, things like that. He used to notice these things and comment on them. I try to kiss him and he acts like he doesn't know what I'm about to do and turns his head, or I go in to kiss him on the lips and he will kiss me on the nose and say it's cute. I don't want to be CUTE!! I just want things to be normal again. He hardly wants to hold hands, he doesn't want to cuddle that often anymore and he always wanted that.

The other night we were laying in bed together and I was trying to play with him and flirt. He got an erection, but as soon as I touched it he covered it with his boxers and rolled over. I asked why and he just said he didn't want me to touch his penis.

I've asked if it's stess, worry, my looks, anything and everything and he just kind of avoids the question. He says that he doesn't like the way he looks, he's gained some weight, but SO HAVE I and I tell him genuinely and honestly EVERYDAY that I am still attracted to him. I just don't understand! Sad I see him being sweet and somewhat flirty with female cashiers or waitresses and he doesn't even hold MY hand. Then when I don't talk as much afterwards because I'm hurt he trys to start an arguement. He KNOWS what's bothering me, that we don't have sex, but he will do nothing to fix it. Before he would say it bothered him too, but now he doesn't say anything. It's always a different excuse too, like he's tired, he's stressed, he thinks he's fat, or he just doesn't want it. How could I do anything but blame myself?

Please help. I'm sorry I ranted for so long, but I had a lot to get off my chest. I know other women go through this, I just don't know what to do. It's almost worth breaking up with him over all of this, and that's horrible because we've had a lot of good times these 5 years. I'd say we are pretty close, like best friends, but I don't want to feel like his stupid "friend" and roommate. Evil or Very Mad I want to be his GIRLFRIEND. And, yes, I've told him that.

Any advice or comments would be greatly welcomed!!!!
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First Helper User Profile truthhurts84
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replied March 3rd, 2009
Advice on boyfriend.
Hi maybe he does have a lot of stress and sex is on his mind like it was before. Maybe there is other issues conc ering him. Or sweetie the best thing i can say i know you don't want to hear this but maybe he just isn't into the way he was before, people do grow apart. I wish you the best but sit him down and talk to him.
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Users who thank amarie7 for this post: lil_scorpio 

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replied March 3rd, 2009
I feel ya!
My husband and I are also in a dry spell and frankly I am getting tired of being the one initiating sex all the time. This does take a toll on a woman and the rejection - even worse! It is very, very hurtful and I understand you completely because I too am feeling the same way.

My husband has said that work is stressing him out which I can understand but THIS MUCH? Ouch! Like you, we too have had dry spells but this is the worse by far.

I am pregnant right now and some people have told me that the man will pull away sexually from the woman for many reasons. If this is the case I hope things will get better soon - I know this is being very optimistic.

I used to worry that it may be ED and this is something you may want to think about too. I am still not fully convinced that my husband does not have it but look for signs the next time you have sex. Is it short sex? Does he get an erection but lose it quickly? If he ejaculates does this happen quickly? I am saying quickly and mean 3-10 mins. Sometimes with us this is what happens and that is why I am not sure if he does have ED.

Men are very sensitive about this subject so if you do bring it up be very careful. I still have not talked to my husband about this because I am afraid of his reaction. I have done some research about ED online and am passing on what I have experienced and learned so far.

Good luck to you! I hope things get better! I know you already know how frustrating this can be but the good news is is that if it is ED then the problem is not you.
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Users who thank agoodwoman for this post: lil_scorpio 

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replied March 3rd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
My honets opinion.....

I hate to say this but you either need change in that relationship or hes going to go looking for someone else. Whether it is insecurities or the fact that he is bored, you don't know but you need to put your foot down.

Sex is a normal part of a relationship, you need to talk to him "not about love: but about how hes not even there emotionally or physically.

He may not be happy, it could also be midlife, where thre is something he wants more right now than anything.

Could be alot of thing but if hes not going to talk about it, then why bother?
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Users who thank diamondsz for this post: lil_scorpio 

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replied March 3rd, 2009
Experienced User
Thanks everyone
I finally was able to get my boyfriend to talk to me last night. I just straight out asked him what was going on. He said that he is very unhappy with the weight he has gained (somewhere around 20-30 lbs over a year). I kind of understand, but why is it bothering him all of a sudden?

He seemed uncomfortable talking about it, but I don't understand that either. I just told him that I still love him and find him attractive. I also said that if it is obvious that I am still attracted to him physically then why is he letting his weight get to him? No answer really.

I asked if he felt any different about me since I have gained a little weight while on a new birth control pill. He says that he feels that same about me, but I know it's not true. I asked him: If you're disgusted with your own chubby-ness, cellulite, etc, how can you say you're not grossed out by my dimples or pudgy stomach? I know most women have some cellulite, etc. and I know it's not the end of the world, but now I'm even more self-conscience about it because he's so disgusted with himself and I don't think he looks gross! So I can't help but feel that he is grossed out by me now! =(

I just feel like crying. I try to be a strong woman, but I just feel like giving in. I do wonder if he's not interested in me anymore. Last night when I was talking to him about this I said that his reason shouldn't completely stop us from having sex, that it just doesn't make any sense. I didn't really get a solid response, so....I just don't know.

Anyway, thank you all for taking the time out of your day/night to try to help. If you want to talk more, I welcome you to do so. Any little bit helps.
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replied July 29th, 2012
No sex relationship
Hi there, I know you posted this back in 2009 but I wondered whether you ever sorted out the problem?

I would be interested to hear, share what I am currently going through with my boyfriend.

Regards
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replied March 3rd, 2009
no sex
maybe he has cheated on you and picked up a std and he is avoiding you .so he want give it to you ..see what happens in a couple weeks then be blunt with him..
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Users who thank chuckwithnoluck for this post: dannyboy61490  lil_scorpio 

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replied March 5th, 2009
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chuckwithnoluck
I actually asked him that the other day, in a joking kind of manner and he just looked at me funny, walked away and said "are you serious? I'd never do that, what makes you think that?"

I have to admitt, I thought that may be the case.
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replied March 5th, 2009
Why don't the two of you join a gym together and try to drop some of the weight even after 10 lbs you both will feel sooo much better, and more confident. I'm speaking from experience myself i gained about 20lbs in the first year we got married and i found myself being much more reserved in the bedroom. It may be something he is going through personally and is embarrassed to talked about. How old is he? If this is truely the problem you will be able to tell in the first 2 weeks of working out and eating better. If no change then you know it is a deeper problem. If you love him, try to make him happy by making him healthy! It's so much easier to do with a friend to support you.
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Users who thank Onionscrytoo for this post: lil_scorpio 

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replied March 5th, 2009
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Onionscrytoo
Thanks for the advice. He is 28, I'm 25. I have tried to get him to eat better, but he seems to just choose food over sex. Or at least, that's how it feels. After almost every meal, he says "oh, I'm too full, or I ate too much." We have tried things together before, and I am going to try again.

The weather is getting warmer and he suggested playing basketball to get in shape. It's something he likes. I said that we could walk around our neighborhood together and ride our mountain bikes together. He always agrees, but always finds a way to avoid exercising.

He works as a receiver at a warehouse, working 10 hour days, 4 days a week. I know it's hard on him, but not being active at all has to be harder. He's had this job 3 1/2 years and it's never affected our sex life or his activeness this bad before, so I can't just blame it on the job.

Thanks again, hopefully he will be willing to follow through this time.
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replied March 6th, 2009
Community Volunteer
I have been reading this thread and I think something else is going on....Is he into Porn?...If he was using this as a sexual outlet he wouldn't want to have sex with you....He may have already had sex with a picture or computer....I am playing the guessing game on this, but Porn, IMO, can destroy more marriages/partnerships faster than you can bat an eye....It is the high sexual stimulation that plays in the mind of a man....

I doubt his weight would hold him back...10 or 20 pounds does not slow a good sexual man of 28 years old down to a slow crawl....

Take care,
Caroline
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replied March 7th, 2009
The other view
I am in the same situation, but I am the one who DOESNT want the sex. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months, already I am growing apart, and I feel disgusted when he touches me or kisses me. I forced myself last time to go through with it and have sex and I cried afterwards secretly because it just did not feel right. The reason why: I am not attracted to him anymore like I was at first. I tell him I feel unhappy with myself, when actually I am very satisfied with myself, I use the excuse to make him feel better, he is such a great guy I do not want to hurt his feelings. but if I found someone else I had sparks with, BAM! I would be having great sex again. I hate to put it this way, but if youre seeking the truth, hes just not that into you. :/
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replied March 9th, 2009
Experienced User
Well, it FINALLY happened a couple of days ago! Geez...what a long messed up time that was. It was the best sex we've had in a very long time, and I can tell he hasn't masturbated, or done it lately, because of how he was. I've been with him long enough to tell.

I'm still not sure what caused it all and I'm afarid it will continue to happen. I'm worried that I'll be on here 25 days from now complaining about the same thing...
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replied March 11th, 2009
Community Volunteer
I am so happy for you....A man keeps things to himself...He worries and will not talk about it...My husband is the same way...It is like I have to try and figure out what is bothering him...Especially sexually....

That is what is so neat about this Forum...There is always someone here to help...

Best wishes,
Caroline
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Users who thank JavaMissus for this post: lil_scorpio 

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replied March 12th, 2009
Experienced User
Thank you CarolineEF
Thank you so much for the comment, and your right: men do keep things to themselves, especially sexually. We talked about things and I understand a little better now.

And yes, I love this site and forum because there is always someone here to help. Thank you for that. =)
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replied April 11th, 2009
i am so unhappy boyfriend no sex
We have been together 3 years and its rubbish. I have tried talking to him, dressing up flirting, not talking about 'our' problem and there just doesn't seem to be a light at th end of the tunnel. I'm ready to give up
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replied April 11th, 2009
Experienced User
sarahsaz34
I can't help but agree with you. Sometimes it's so frustrating you just want to give up. Very annoying. If he's not willing to talk, there's not much else you can do. You shouldn't have to make yourself into some sort of porno-like sex kitten for him to pay attention to you, it's not fair to you. Hope things get better for you.
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replied May 20th, 2009
lil_scorpio - I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I, we've been together 1 1/2 yrs, used to have sex every morning - at least. But for the last 4 weeks or so he has not been interested in sex with me. He doesn't have that same "spark" for me. He just moved in 4 weeks ago - maybe that is part of it...although things are going well maybe he feels "trapped" with no place of his own. He wouldn't have moved in if he weren't haveing $ issues. He says that money issues are weighing on him...but he still looks at porn, in moderation, as always. I wonder if there is someone else but haven't asked yet as I know he'd just deny it. There was an episode earlier in the year w/ his interest in someone else and he was very defensive and belligerent w/ me and when confronted, admitted what was going on. This time, he's not belligerent/defensive and maybe there is no one else...I try to just "keep going" as talking about it can make things worse...but about once a week, I can't take it anymore and we discuss it. I am miserable. I wonder how much longer I'll be able to stand this. I am at the point where I don't care what is driving his behavior ($, interest in someone else), I just want him back to "normal". If not, well...maybe we break up? What do you think?
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replied June 22nd, 2009
I am in the same situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. He is very affectionate - tells me he loves me and does cuddle sometimes. It is just the sex that is a problem.

Initially it was 3 - 4 times a day - now we sometimes go a month without. I have done the same thing - I.e. blame myself - my looks etc. I have been taking pole dancing classes for fitness and he has not even once asked for a demonstration. I have tried the sexy underwear, outfits and everything.

My problem is I was married once and my husband cheated so my brain interprets "lack of sex" with "am getting it somewhere else" or "not interested anymore".

I have tried to discuss this and his answer is that there must be something wrong with him, and that maybe he should see someone. I think what we have has just grown comfortable and that he feels more like a brother or a best friend towards me than as a lover.

Not sure what to do anymore - feel quite inadequate because traditionally a man is not suppose to want sex less than a female. Now when I get attention at work it just makes it worse because I cant understand how all these other guys can be interested and my boyfriend not at all. The only time we have had sex lately is when he is jealous after a work function.

What Now? What do you think?
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replied July 31st, 2012
hellllllllp.
this is almost identical to what i am going through right now.... and im losing my mind. we havent even been together for a year yet. I knew him before we were together, and he had a reputation for being a bit of a sleeze.. so obviously he was very into sex. once we got together things were very different and he was not who people portrayed him to be, but he definitely liked his sex... we broke up about two months ago, for a week. then he said he wanted to work things out... things were weird at first but then we eventually felt the love again and now we are moving accross the country together... he hasnt initiated sex in 2 months.. since we broke up. I have given him so many opportunies to change his mind about moving away with me, and he still is 100% for it, wants to start our life together, but has no desire to have sex with me? says he wants me, but just doesnt feel very sexual lately... think he needs to talk to someone. my brain automatically goes to.. "hes getting some somewhere else."...."he doesnt feel that way about me anymore.".. i am a very attractive girl, and im not just saying this to say it..I am a fit blonde 20 year old girl, hes 28 and all of his friends have even made passes at me and he knows it... it only makes sense that he would be getting it somewhere else... but he is ALWAYS with me? and it only makes sense to me tht he doesnt feeling the same way anymore but WHY isnt he calling off the trip?

im going crazy, having dreams that im sleeping with other people. when men give me attention, in my head i let the scenerio play out and it makes me feel better about my situation. im 20 years old and i feel like a neglected housewife..... what the hell do i do.
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replied October 28th, 2009
im goint through the same ting my boyfriend and me have been together for a year and a half im 17 nd he's 19 i dnt get it atall he cuddles me nd says he loves me like a hundred times a day...the last time we had sex was about a month ago and he's just not up for it sumbody help im stressed out over it and it pieces me off so much..HELP!!
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replied February 23rd, 2010
i just posted something like yours. maybe you can read it and help me as well. i have no one to talk to about it. one thing i noticed you were missing and its a problem im haveing is....is he watching alot of porn? iv been reasearching it and it totaly takes away the mans sex drive(suposedly) i really dont know what to do myself feeling the same way you are. i just dont understand how a guy dosnt wqant to have sex? i really dont. i dont buy the stress thing or the im ugly thign. hormones are hormones. good luck and give me a shout.no one has commented and im feeling so desperate.
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