Hi frequentlylost,

Your boyfriend has an excessive unhealthy appitite for sex as a chocolateholic would have for chocolate. There is NOTHING you can do to stop him. You engaging in sex several times a week in various places only feed into his obsession for sex. Take the hint he is givinng you, you asked him to stop and what did he do, lied to you and continued to watch it behind your back. He won't stop unless HE wants to and as of now he DOESN'T want to, he seems to be enjoying it to much.

You ask "What do I do?" First you have a very stern and direct converstation with him, telling him you are concerned about his unhealthy appetite for porn and that is not what you want in a relationship. Tell him it is insulting, disrespectful and hurtful for him to watch porno either being with or without you present and that a relationship should be open and honest not one sided and deceptive. Then you give him (after finding out the information) the phone number to the sex addition hotline, tell him to make the call (be sure he makes the call, not you)but you tell him to put the conversation on speaker so you can hear both ends of the conversation. If he refuses, please walk away and don't look back. His problem is far greater than you can handle.

Good Luck,

Faded Rose

While I respect your point-of-view, FadedRose, I don't think confronting is the right answer in this situation. It will only lead to a big fight, he will get defensive. He won't listen, he'll just put up a wall. Instead, sit down and talk to him calmly and rationally about this. Tell him how much this bothers you and that you feel less desirable because of it. Write down your feelings beforehand so you are clear about what you want to say and don't get caught up with the less important things. Tell him that lying about it only makes things worse. Lies, even to protect the other person and avoid a fight, drive wedges between people. If he gets defensive, don't get angry and defensive in response. Stay calm, otherwise the situation will only escalate. He may just not realize how much this bothers you.

Just because he looks at porn does not make him a sex addict. Looking at it once in a while isn't abnormal. When it gets to be a problem is when they can't stop, they start lying about it and hiding it (ahem...), when they start acting on their impulses, and when it interferes with intimacy with their partner. Just because he has a problem, doesn't make him an addict, but it can move in that direction if it gets out of control--although I'm not saying that it has in this situation.

It's up to you whether you break up with him for this or not. If this is a deal-breaker for you, that's your call. If it isn't, that's fine, too. It depends on how much this bothers you and whether that matters to him or not. If your feelings don't matter to him, then it doesn't really matter what the topic is. If he is keeping secrets and hiding things, that is something that needs to change right now. Personally, I think this has more to do with you feeling disrespected than it does with porn. You could replace porn with a number of things, but him disregarding your feelings would still make it a major issue for you. The fact that it relates to intimacy and your self-esteem only makes the issue worse.

Also, please understand that he does not look at porn because you aren't good enough or that you don't have enough sex or that the sex is getting boring. That's not it. I don't think his looking at porn has anything to do with you and you need to stop thinking that it is. Even if he stops looking at porn completely or you dump him because of it, if you don't stop thinking that it's your fault, you will still feel inadequate with him or any other guy.

Again, my advice is not to be confrontational about this. Be open and honest with your thoughts and feelings and allow him to express his, as well. I'm not saying you should let him dominate the conversation or let him walk all over you. Be direct and firm, but calm. I think it has a greater chance of a positive outcome than if you treated it like an intervention.

Best of luck to both of you. Please let us know how things work out.

Ask yourself if it's worthwhile to bother. You've asked him to delete his access to porn and he's refused. His freedom to control his own pleasure is important to him. Unless you're going to ask him in a different way or offer some sort of compromise you're unlikely to get a different answer and if he does concede it won't be a happy compromise. He'll feel badgered and browbeaten.

His appetites for porn have nothing to do with your appearance or sexual appetite. He'd have the same interest in pornography if he were with a completely different girl or if he was alone. If you feel that you are less of a woman unless you can take something he had that made him happy before he met you away then perhaps you should re-evaluate what you're doing in this relationship.

There is something that needs to be talked about here. While I don't think there's any excuse for you to make demands on his porn interest as long as your needs are met sexually, he is your partner and he needs to be more accommodating of your feelings. Assure him that if there's something that turns him on you want to know about it. Maybe you wouldn't be up for it but you want to be included in his desires. Tell him how his watching porn and masturbating makes you feel, not how the inanimate porn makes you feel but how his behavior affects you. Ask that he try to be more considerate and in return offer to be more open and understanding if you can.

Until you reach an ultimatum there is nothing that can't be smoothed out by calm and respectful conversation that emphasizes how a couple can work together to solve differences.

Hi frequentlylost01..Wolf is totally right..You cant expect a man to stop looking at it altogether if you are sexually satisfied...If he ignored you in that department then yes it would be ok to demand he stops...I used to feel like you and i know it is not a nice feeling i even used to get upset saying to my bf why dont you like me, my body, etc. But bottom line is if you are sexually satisfied then let your man look at porn at least he is at home...Not out with some other woman...Just ask him to maybe calm it down a bit or ask him to delete his history lists...Or better still dont go looking on his computer...what you dont know wont hurt you...thats what i did now am not bothered as long as my man dont stray with no other woman....Jenny

i had the same issue with my ex, but with my current boyfriend it doesnt bother me at all.
i watched a porn with him and i probably irritated my boyfriend so bad i dont think he wants to watch it with me any more. i talked through the whole thing.
i honestly dont see what's the big deal, but if it bothers you then it is a problem.

Some woman are ok with their bfs watching it with them...some people not but personally i know my bf watches it but as long as he doesnt stray with another woman im not bothered...Jenny

i ex threw women in my face so i think i didnt want him watching it because he was so disrespectful.

my current boyfriend tells me i look better than anyone of the porn stars, so i guess i feel more comfortable. even if he is lying he makes me feel like a million.