Depression Forum - Bottled-up feelings cause distant behavior

Mental Health > Depression Forum > Bottled-up feelings cause distant behavior

Do you know how doctors define clinical depression? Learn more about this brain disorder and types of depression that doctors diagnose here....

Q: Bottled-up feelings cause distant behavior

asked by: ndhlp on September 6th, 2009

New User

I have a boyfriend that is a great guy. When things are going well, everything clicks between us and its great, however, when there is an issue between us, he clams up, won't talk about it and acts like EVERYTHING is wonderful and laughs really loud and tries his darndest to make everyone think that he's having the time of his life, all the while, ignoring me. Normally, he's a gentleman in that he pulls out my chair, opens doors and is very attentive, but when he gets like I described above, he does none of that. In fact, it is the opposite...he ignores me for the most part and I feel as though he doesn't want me around and then when I confront him about it, he says nothing is wrong and that he doesn't want me to leave. Then, if I back off and say that I need some space because I'm not happy with his behavior, he says that he doesn't want a "roller coaster" relationship and that he doesn't want to feel like he's walking on egg shells all of the time...like I did something wrong by expressing my problem with the way he was treating me...he doesn't see that he treated me that way at all and acts as though I am imagining it...

I really feel that the problem is all because he doesn't want to talk about his feelings. he just bottles everything up and won't get it out. I've talked to him about this and tried to tell him that its not healthy, etc. He has a hard time getting enough sleep because he worries about everything. He just won't open up, though.

I am at a loss on what to do. I really like him a lot, but I can't tolerate the "mood swings", if that's the right way to phrase it. I just want a consistent relationship...treat me like I matter all the time. I don't see how I can have a relationship with someone that refuses to open up and talk about things... how can I get him to be more comfortable about talking? What should I do to help him? Is there a great book out there that I might get him to read?

Thanks for any help you can provide!

Replies(2)

Dr. Christine L. Selby , PHD

replied on September 6th, 2009

Thanks for this explanation of your relationship and your question. You are describing a situtation in which you are invested in a relationship that is not satisfying for you. This boy/man (sorry - don't know how old you two are!) may or may not change the behaviors you describe. You can choose to be "supportive" to "stick it out" or find some book for him to read - but the reality is you are trying to get him to be different than who he is. You may see some extraordinary potential in him that he simply cannot see for himself. Until he does - he is unlikely to change how he responds to you when there is an "issue" between the two of you. You have to decide if you are willing to remain in a relationship where you "can't tolerate the 'mood swings'" and where you don't feel as if you "matter all the time." It may feel sad, unfair or whatever but the information you have about this person suggests he is not able to provide you what you want out of a relationship. The good news is you seem pretty clear about what you want (i.e., you want to matter, to have stability, to have someone who is willing to talk things through). Do you stick it out with what you've got, or make the decision to walk away and find someone who can meet your needs? Either way it is a difficult decision. You clear like and care about this person. Do you feel as through he likes and cares about you? If the answer to that question is "no" and you stay with him - then my next question for you is "why?"

I wish you well. Navigating relationships is difficult. Trust yourself in that you know what you want in a relationship and that you deserve to have that. He deserves that too...you simply may not be able to have it with each other.

Best wishes,

Dr. Selby

DISCLAIMER: "Ask a Doctor" questions are answered by certified physicians and other medical professionals who volunteer their time on eHealth Forum. For more information about experts participating in the "Ask a Doctor" Network, please visit our medical experts page. You may also visit our Depression , for moderated patient to patient support and information.

The information provided on eHealth Forum is designed to improve, not replace, the relationship between a patient and his/her own physician. Personal consultation(s) with a qualified medical professional is the proper means for diagnosing any medical condition.

ndhlp

replied on September 7th, 2009

New User

Thanks for the reply, Dr. Selby. Yes, he does act like he likes and cares for me a lot. Everything else is a great fit...except this. He has become a more christian man and is trying to do most of the right things in his life. He just seems to have a problem talking about his feelings. I can understand that to an extent, but he's such a talker anyway and it doesn't seems to fit for him that he would be anxious about talking about an issue... You said all the things I know in my heart. I guess just wanted to see if there was anyway that I might be able to help him with this problem... If you have any advice on how I might be able to help him, please post again. Thank you for your thoughtful insights.

Learn About Us

Get Help

Join In

Do More

We comply with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health
information:
verify here.

The site is not a replacement for professional medical opinion, examination, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your medical doctor or other qualified health professional before starting any new treatment or making any changes to existing treatment. Do not delay seeking or disregard medical advice based on information written by any author on this site. No health questions and information on eHealth Forum is regulated or evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and therefore the information should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease without the supervision of a medical doctor. Posts made to these forums express the views and opinions of the author, and not the administrators, moderators, or editorial staff and hence eHealth Forum and its principals will accept no liabilities or responsibilities for the statements made. Schizophrenia health sitemap.
This page was last updated on January 1, 2009.
© 2008 eForums, Inc