HI Everyone,
I was born like the rest of you. No uterus, and a very small "dimple" that they called my vagina. I was 16 years old when I found all of this out. I went thru the ultra sound " the nurse pulled me aside and asked if I was sexually active" the answer was no, then told me I might just have a small uterus or a thick hymen. Then the MRI when they told me they couldn't really tell. And then finally the exploratory surgery when my life changed forever. I was devastated and to this day still am, 10 years later. I went to the specialist to talk about the surgery to make me a vagina but decided I couldn't go thru with it. So I started to dialate. Before I was ready/done I was raped. I was tore open and bled like crazy. After this there was no more reason for me to dialate. I know had a vagina, or at least the very good start of one.
Since all this I'm now married to what I think is the greatest guy in the world. we have been to the fertility clinic and were going to go with a surrogate thing, but as luck has it my ovaries are too high and can't be reach. We would have to go out of provence so I could have surgery, and we still wouldn't know if my eggs were usable. I decided that I could go thru with this, if my eggs weren't usable I know I wouldn't survive. So then we were off to the adoption agency. There we found out that according to the government we are unfit parents until we prove are selves otherwise. So it's ok for the crackheads down the street to have kids and raise then but I'm not good enough yet. They also let us know that for 21 day the birth mother could take the child back without any warning and there would be nothing I could do about it. And for myself I knew that I would never survive that. So that was now not an option for me.
Then came my next step which was international adoption. Which I was looking forward to. I was hoping to get a child from ethiopia. So we went to the bank to remortgage our house so we could afford to adopt. At the time it was 10 thousand dollars. By the t
me everything was said and done with the bank, the prices of doubled and now the adoption agency is no longer taking applications.
Yesterday I told my husband that I'm done. I can't keep going thru this heartbreak. I can't keep getting my hopes up only to have them shattered again and again. When I first found out about my problem I was a mess. I use to cut myself, and for you who don't understand that, physical pain felt better than emotional pain. I also became anorexic, and suicidal.
My friends all try to make me feel better but the they say I want to smack or yell at them for. They tell me things will work out or that there are worst things, but to me there isn't. I guess I just want to hear what someone with the same problems think. Am I being weak? No one else will ever understand but someone who has had to live with this. Please give me feed back. I've been looking for a chat room for people with this problem but have yet to find one. I need to talk to other people who have gave thru this time of experience. I need some help.
Thanks,
CJ