Dear begoniaruby,
I also have a narcissistic/bpd daughter in law. and my situation is very similar to yours. The emotional and mental abuse used on their children and my son has been
extremely painful to witness.
"Tell the abused to grow a set of balls", what the heck is that ? My son't first priority is the safety of his children. Confronting only results in the victim's punishment, which most of the time is by abusing those he loves most, namely the CHILDREN !
So am I to understand that standing by and allowing his children to be punished, which is HIS punishment for confronting her, is acceptable ?
You obviously have not had any experience with this type of personality disorder...
When my son finally decided to seek a divorce, she simply filed false charges against him. Which by the way held up in court with no witnesses, no evidence other than her statements.
The negligence of the children, one an infant the other 7yrs old, was so bad while my son was at work
that I was going to press charges against her to protect my grand children. The court of course, as is now quite prevalent in family court, sided with the abusive mother.
As a consequence of this negligence, one of my grand daughters was in the ICU for a week with an e coli infection.
Like you, I am not allowed to see my grandchildren, endure an ongoing smear campaign by my daughter in law.
Like you, I considered contacting her family whom she has burned all her bridges with, but haven't as yet knowing that they will simply have similar stories to my own. To what end would that serve ?
However I did contact her counselor and requested that she do what she could to protect the children. This, which I am now reading about online is the norm, resulted in the counsellor further enabling my daughter in law to even more reckless abuse but this time, with the consent and support of her counsellor.
The counsellor reported to the court that my son was unstable, this as my daughter in laws request. The so called documentation for this finding was in the report I was submitting to the authorities, but the only point that was used, was that my son was under a great deal of mental and emotional stress. Taken out of context of course, as that particular statement was in regard to the abuse of his children by his wife.
The legal expense has been exorbitant, the legal representation for my son has been fair to poor, and the judges in the family court system, at least in MA, have been blatantly biased toward the mothers, putting God only knows how many children at risk.
My latest strategy has been to step back from all of this, knowing full well that the now and then opportunity to see my grandchildren will be taken away once I do not "feed" the vampire.
Even, stepping away did not work, as she found some way to demonize me anyways. At this point my son has left her again, and I acknowlege the effort this took him to leave his children with her. True to form, she has been on a smear campaign against him, contacting his friends, his family, his doctor, his counsellor, with the "qualification" that she is only concerned about his welfare.
Unfortunately, personality disorders such as this have no real treatment, unlike other mental disorders. Counselling would help if the patient were honest, but I think you will find by researching the subject that is nearly impossible as these PD's main filter is their justification for their behavior using manipulation and being extremely controlling.
I recognize that this is an illness, I am not judgemental about it, it is simply a fact that my family has to live with. I have appologized to my son for creating the "weapon" that was used against him, taking full responsibility for the repurcussions.
Like you begoniaruby, I did all in my power to be supportive of her, include her in the family, and taking care of the children whenever it was needed.
I never criticized, I didn't interfere, I was well aware that this woman was in dire need of acceptance and love.
Unfortunately none of this made any difference whatsoever. The only way to appease someone like this is to condone and enable them to abuse those she has power over, namely their children.
I could site many many situations that bear out what I am communicating, such as the report I prepared for the DCYF, however, at this point, I am sure that you are as familiar with similar circumstances as you are with the back of you hand.
In this situation the hardest thing for the father to do is to leave, knowing full well what his children will be subject to without his presence and protection.
And with full knowledge that the "politically correct" position of the family court will likely remove any rights he has to his children.
Your family and mine are not experiencing an isolated circumstance, it is fairly common and unfortunate child of political correctness.
I wish you strength, I wish you courage to face the horrors you are witnessing.
I am a feminist, have supported myself throughout my whole life in a male dominated profession. I give no sway to the tactics being used against men across this continent and possibly throughout western civilzation.
The enabling of mentally ill and abusive wivs and mothers by the court system under the guise of women's rights, came as quite a shock. There is very very little coverage of this issue which now is occuring to countless families, and aweness seems only to occur when you are undergoing this heinous experience yourself.
iamwoman
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