Bipolar Disorder Forum - bipolarity symptoms ?

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Q: bipolarity symptoms ?

asked by: Writeresque on June 30th, 2008

New User

I'm only 15 years old, turning 16 in a couple of months. The past year and a half (about) I've had very unnerving feelings. There will probably be many times while writing this where I will want to just stop and feel it is unnecessary. I often feel like that when I try to explain my feelings to my friends if I am not in a good mood. I start looking for help but then in a few minutes I either become so depressed that I no longer want to talk, and end the conversation very rudely (which I later regret) or become happier and try to make my friends disregard the feelings I had previously stated.
Though for the last few months I have not been in an extremely depressed mood, there were about 5 months of my life last year when I would feel miserable. I would not be able to fall asleep because I would start crying until I felt like I was going to vomit (though I have not thrown up since I was 4 years old). While crying I would very often have thoughts of suicide that became stronger and stronger later on. I never "cut" myself the "traditional" way, but sometimes I would feel so enraged that I took a knife, laid my stomach on my arm, and started stabbing at my arm until it bled. The next day, or even hour, I would usually regret it and thought about how dumb it was to do. I have not done anything like that for half a year already maybe, and I do not cry as frequently. When I do, though, something of the following goes through my head: When I begin to cry, I feel the sudden need to seek help from my friends, but upon feeling that need I feel that I'm only crying to get attention, and if I do not try to get help from my friends then I won't be crying for attention. So I don't look for help. I just keep crying and having semi-suicidal thoughts until I can't remember what's wrong anymore and I act extra happy to make sure that nobody thinks I am feeling depressed.
Those are really the events that effect my life the most. My feelings about things and my emotions change so rapidly I feel like I'm almost abusing my friends by looking for help and quickly turning away. I also start to question what I want a lot of the time. This really makes me feel extremely pointless. Especially the fact that if I told this story in an hour, some of it might change, and not because I'm lying.
Is this bipolarity?
I can't visit a therapist or anyone similar because my family would not take me. I planned on talking to my guidance counselor before summer started, but I could not put myself up to it because I wasn't sure what to say, and most of all because I wasn't in the mood.
What do I do?

Replies(12)

antigone

replied on June 30th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

Suicidal ideology and thoughts are never to be dismissed. These thoughts should be taken seriously and you should see a psychiatrist. Rapidly changing moods may be bipolar disorder. There are many other symptoms associated with bipolar disorder. You really should consult with a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

I hope you will try to talk to your family about this. You are in need of some medical attention and it should not be ignored.

Writeresque

replied on July 1st, 2008

New User

The suicidal thoughts have greatly subsided. There are still times where I feel like if it was easy enough to die, I'd rather be dead. But those don't even last long.

Like I said, it is really hard for me to get to a psychiatrist because my mom usually pushes that idea away when I have it. Would an evaluation be free? Is there any other way to talk to a professional just to see if I need any help?

CarolDiane

replied on July 2nd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

Parent Responsiblity!

Ya know, I have to say something here. I have a real problem with parents that won't listen to thier child and be aware of of early warning signs. In fact, my opinion on this is SO avid that I don't think I can post it here on the forum without myself going into a manic episode. And we don't want that. Here were I live, we have a "Yellow Ribbon" suicide awarness group that goes around to schools and groups of mothers that are interested in more awarness. We are not just talking suicide to the child, we are also talking about this issue of the capability of hurting or doing real fatal harm to others in some cases. So much fatal harm could have been stopped in the past if only parent had looked for those early warning singns. Sometimes sutle but, if the parent is up on the emotional state and cares enough, it will hit them right away. No instead they trun thier heads away and say " Nothing wrong with my child. This is just a phase and it will pass" NOT!

BTW: I speack from experience. I was suicidal and so was my mom and sis and her two kids. My youngest son has thoughts. But I am there for him every step of the way! He still with me and not going anywere.

I'm otta here!

Writeresque

replied on July 2nd, 2008

New User

Actually...often times my mom would ask me what's wrong because I keep myself in my room when I am in a depressed mood. I turn all the the lights off, the computer, close the shades, turn everything off. I either sit in a corner or lay on my bed or just sit up straight for a while and stare straight ahead if I'm not crying. Sometimes she walks into the room and I'm in too depressed a mood to say anything about it so I just try to get her out of there quickly. Maybe it is my fault because when she does ask me what's wrong I'm in no mood to answer.

Besides, like a said in another thread. A lot of my emotional problems arise from relationships. And since I am gay, my mom chooses to be ignorant of that fact. I have told her about it before; and she stopped talking to me for a week or so. Then she eventually became normal toward me again, but if the subject were brought up again she made it clear that she does not think I am gay. If she asks me what's wrong there's no way I can actually talk about it to her, because if I start mentioning something about another guy she would go crazy.

CarolDiane

replied on July 2nd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

Well, first of all, you mother has got to come to turms with your sexuality. You are her daughter regardless of your personal choices. There are some things that parents just have to accept in life. And sexual choice is one of them. Remember, this is 2008! Open relationships are just what they are now "open". Coming out is so much easier now. But, on the other hand, forl most teens it can be a nightmare. I believe as adults, it gets a little easier due to the fact the family ties have been already somewhat broken.
So, obiously your mom is awere. Now she has to come to grips with it. And, I think you need to be more open with your mom. I think this is her way of craving your feelings an the side of a mom as teens we do not and find hard to understan. Next time she askes "What's wrong?" Sit down with her and give it your all. It may just take alot of that inner burdun off your shoulders.

Writeresque

replied on July 2nd, 2008

New User

First of all, sorry for not clarifying, but I am male. Heh.
And second of all, I know it may be easy for you to think that anyone should accept homosexuality. And luckily I have had no trouble with it, except that from my mom (which usually doesn't even bother me at all). I have come out to her. I was seeing a guy and she, almost as a joke, once asked me if I was gay. I said yes. She kind of laughed a little bit, and then asked ten more times if I was serious, adding in that I know how she feels about that. I kept saying yes, yes, etc. Then she sat down on my bed and started crying. She told me things like "can't you just wait, maybe it'll go away with time." I told her that I'd wait for it to go away as soon as she waits for it to be OK with her. She said things like she's going to cut her wrist (which was immediatly followed by her saying that she was too scared to) and then that she was going to move out of the house, etc. She went back to her room and cried some more, then went back to my room and kept asking me if I was joking, to which I would keep saying no. Fast forward about two or three months; I came home with eye-makeup on once (I don't do that often at all). She went on about how only girls should do it and asked me if I wasn't scared that gay guys were going to hit on me. Obviously, she made it clear that she went back into denial about that.
I can't talk to her about it. And if I did, she would not want to help me. I already sat down with her and gave it my all and I got nothing back.

CarolDiane

replied on July 2nd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

OK, now we are getting somewhere. Let me say this much. I think your mom is crying out hoping that you will take enough pitty and feel enough love for her to turn this aroundd. Which is not the case. Lets just a little senario here ok.

You feel your life is over,
You tell someone you have thoughts of ending your life.
You get nowhere, and no support.
Next thing you know. you have just about followed through on that thought.

This is your way of crying out for help. You never intended to go through with that thought, but close enough to use it for your last cry.
I think this is almost what your mom is going through. Thriving on your heart and feeling in hopes you will turn it around.
All I can say at this point is, untill she fully execpts this and I believe over time she will, you are just going have to live on. Don't get down and depressed, it will only make it worse for you.

Carrie

Writeresque

replied on July 2nd, 2008

New User

Sorry, I think we're on a different page here. I'm not depressed about the fact that she doesn't accept it. As much as I'd like to say that I have a close bond with my mom, I do not. We don't talk about anything together, and I'm actually fine with it. I know it is kind of horrible to say, but I am more interested in having supportive friends than a supportive mom.

That being said, most of the times I am depressed it comes from being lonely. I don't want to get into it but there is a guy that I like a whole lot, and it has just become a huge mess. Usually, my depressive stages don't even follow any specific situation. I just feel useless, pointless. Which I guess you could say is not too far off. I don't have a lot of friends, only one I would say that actually cares for me. I usually do nothing all day. I contribute in no way...I'm just apathetic about everything. I don't want to live like this....

CarolDiane

replied on July 2nd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

Well, it sounds like you have a nice circle of friends. Something I was never priveed to. You have to know that most of us if not all on this board have been through what you are going through somehow. I am Bipolar and have been for over 30 years. It is not fun. There are certain symptoms that show up. In all honesty you IMHO do have some of these symtoms. I can only speak as one that has had to deal with it. You actually sound more like you are having problems with a moderate to severe deppression. I am wondering if you could go to your mom with this and get some proffessional help. There are also (as I am sure you know) medications out there that could help you lead a more stable and useful life.
We are hear for you. Please know that.

Carrie

antigone

replied on July 4th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

Writeresque,

I have been following your posts. I think you may have a depressive disorder. I realize that there are circumstances that contribute to your depressed moods. The teen years are rife with emotional turmoil. It sounds like more than teen drama. You are describing some serious depression. Shutting off the world, isolating yourself, feeling useless, feeling there is no point to life, feeling like you don't contribute to the world... All of this is sounding like a depressive episode to me.

You can check with the county health department. They may be able to direct you to a mental health clinic that is free or very low cost. There are suicide hot lines. Call one and explain how things have been. Tell them you need help but your mom is in denial and won't take you to a psychiatrist. They may be able to direct you to help in your area. If you have anymore suicidal thoughts, go to the ER. Have a friend drive you.

Do you have any extended family? Is there an aunt or uncle you could go to and tell how you have been feeling?

Depression can come in episodes, like waves on a shore. It may come and go. The episodes may be fleeting or may be pervasive and last for weeks. Depression takes away your laughter, robs you of happiness and leaves you feeling hollow and hopeless. This is a bad place to be. Even if you don't feel depressed all the time you may still suffer from a depressive disorder or a mood disorder. It needs to be treated.

I encourage you to try to talk to your mom again. Let her know very honestly how you have felt.

This is a huge burden to carry alone. Let us know how you are doing. We are here for you!

Writeresque

replied on July 4th, 2008

New User

Thank you for the responses. Fortunately, I've been in an amazing mood both today and yesterday. I really do not want to think about these depressive episodes at the moment. Mind you, I am not brushing them off. I would just rather stay happy while it may last. Thank you for the advice antigone, as soon as I am feeling depressed again, I will try to follow it. Thanks again for the help, I'll let you know if anything goes wrong again. But right now I'm feeling great.

antigone

replied on July 6th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

I am so glad that for this moment you are feeling well. I can appreciate your desire to bask in it.

Let us know how you are. You are not alone in this and we are here to offer you support, encouragement and an open heart. Keep in touch!

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