Hi all, so i have been dating my bipolar boyfriend for 1.5 years now (lived with him for almost all of it), i knew him for over a year before we got involved (we worked together and were both in other relationships), i knew he was bipolar but working with him in ever really noticed it. when we started seeing each other he was very honest with me that he had been with lots of women, has debts because he is bad with money, and cheated on every relationship he had ever been in (to my knowledge he has been in 7 long term relationships and 2 times engaged).
He was unmediated when we started dating, but went back on them for a short while (4 months), in which time i felt unloved/forgotten, the meds zeroed his emotions and were ruining our relationship, he never touched/kissed me let alone want to have sex with me. i am in my early 20's (he’s in his early 30’s) and sex with him is the only sex i have enjoyed (have had only 2 partners), this was a crushing blow to my self-esteem, so he stopped taking the medication (he didn’t like taking in the first place, he says even though they 'slow down' his head they take away the joy/happiness), the sex has not improve much since he stopped the meds, but I have come to terms with the fact that he will have his cycles and sometimes I have to be ok with the fact that he won’t be interested in sex.
Due to the fact that he is a computer wiz (previous profession) I am very leery of the time he spends on the internet, he is up at all hours of the night online, and despite the fact he has a laptop at his bedside he will get up and use the computer in the other room when i am asleep. One day (about a year into the relationship) I snooped on his computer (which he usually leaves password locked) and found e-mails to a woman talking about sexual things and alluding to webcam sex, he also sent her a photo of ME (weird?) and his penis. I confronted him about it, he tried to deny it, I made him open the e-mails and look at them with me, turns out he has done this with her before (maybe slept with her, she lives in our area) he blocked her and promised it would never happen again, he said he didn’t know why he did it (this was at a time he wasn’t even having sex with me, extra big slap in the face). I also found naked and sex photos of him with previous girlfriend/fiances, which he says he didn’t know were on their (ya right).
He has since left his computer unlocked and access to emails/msn open for my piece of mind (the last 6 months), and I do frequently look to see what he is doing (search the history), he used to visit a lot of “chat” rooms at night (when I’m sleeping) everyone else on them is looking for sex (webcam, cyber you name it) but as per his internet history has not in quite some time, but he could just erase them. He downloads (and I assume watches, but never with me or while I’m awake) a lot of porn, which doesn’t really bother me. Recently an x-girlfriend (now married, but that means nothing in his friend circle) sent him an msn message (saying HI are you there) when I was at his computer which he told me to close, he promptly changed his msn/Hotmail password and left it logged off?? Weird.
I love him but I don’t trust him.
I don’t even really have a question, I just needed to ‘talk’ that out, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to get hurt (again), and I would like to put a tracker on his computer (I have my own) to see where he goes online (he’s smart enough to delete the history if he goes somewhere he shouldn’t) but since he’s a computer wiz I’m sure he would know so I cant. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this, I don’t do personal chats of this nature with my family and I don’t really have any friends to talk to.
