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Bipolar Trait of Ending A Relationship (Page 1)

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I wasn't sure what to name my topic but I was just wondering if it's normal for a person whose bipolar to let you know some time down the road say 11-12 mo. that they are bipolar and then just end the relationship? Is it a self defense mechanism in that the person now knows what's really going on and they are pushing you away because you now know too much? That's what happened to me albeit my ex-girlfriend was having a hard night, calls me up I console her and then the next day she says we need to be friends and is hot, then cold, then yes/no and was repulsed by me. She was also very belittling to me and my physique and I take really good care of myself, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Also, she blamed me for the isolation of her 15 year old daughter and her daughter racking up a Verizon phone bill. I come from a single parent family myself so I would never push her beautiful daughter who plays the viola away. With tears streaming down her face afterwards she tells me she has to pay attention to her daughter, then in July I find out she is running off to go meet with some one out of town to have sex. I was willing to hang in there with her through her state, but after the belittling part and finding out about her July rendezvous I just couldn't handle it anymore. I said to myself well you said in May you're not a good friend or girlfriend and you couldn't see how supportive and a true friend I was through our relationship for 10-11mo. it's time for me to move on. Can anyone else relate?
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First Helper frog1978
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replied August 25th, 2009
I think almost everyone in this board can relate one way or another. My fiance which I was due to marry this Sept 12th left me out of the blue also. It was a wonderful 16 months, then this spring around March/April suddenly she started to act different. I didn't know anything about BP and either did she. She just got diagnosed 3 weeks ago and is in a total manic dellusional phase right now. Its been 5 weeks since she left me, today she is back to pure anger and venom, she told me so many hurtful things I am really in rough shape right now. I've been talking to a therapist alot to help me through this and I've learned so much from reading everywhere. I'm sure she was going through depression for many months before which eventually she didn't understand it and BP people blame you for all their problems. They run away from the situation or relationship at hand because they can't control their feelings and feel that they will be better in a new situation or by themself. It's nothing personal, they are waging war inside their head. My fiance would write notes boosting herself up, she didn't understand what was going on and still doesn't. The most scary thing is many BP people don't believe anything is wrong with them, thus refuse to take any medication and she tells me that I am the only who is sick and crazy and has all the problemms.

Its the worst disease out there, I feel so cursed in life to have gone through what I am going through, as I still love her dearly but right now it seems hopeless.
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replied August 26th, 2009
Experienced User
I so sympathize with you Confused! My ex-girlfriend to my knowledge was never diagnosed but she admitted to me this past June that she has some mental issues. My family and friends say that she knows as do I. I said one time to her, "Honey your emotions are all over the place!" And she stated angrily without missing a beat, "What do you think I need to be on Lithium?" I told my mother whose in the health care field and she said after I told her what I just wrote that she knows somethings wrong. I also have a friend of mine whose daughter is BP at the age of 20 and I described what was going on and she said to me you might want to strongly consider that's she's bipolar. I agree too that most who suffer from BPD do not think anything is wrong with them. I was asked to accept my ex-girlfriend right where she was at, but when I did she'd push me away. It was like I was constantly playing hop scotch. I just couldn't handle the belittlement and the start of a new relationship in July or if it was just to crave her maniac sex drive. She calls me all up in distress on a Monday night in June and I try to console her and the next day it's I was a mistake for being seen as more than a friend, hot/cold, yes/no, total repulsion of me, and then she has the nerve to ask me if I want to be her friend? That's what's most shocking. I had to draw a healthy boundary some place. I was in counseling but could no longer afford it. I have read and read and read so much about this disorder since May 1st. I have my ups and downs as well. Yesterday was so very very hard for me. And you're correct they do blame you for all of their problems. I have posted on the message board that has 101 posts describing my ordeal.
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replied August 26th, 2009
Bipolar Relationship
To Jet & Confused,

I'm so sorry you both are going through all of this! I have BP and what you described was like looking into the mirror! For me I remember acting out like that at a young age belittling my family or anyone around me. That's because you are grand at the time...and no one can be higher than you. But then later you feel bad and hate yourself for doing that but can't show them that you feel bad so you have to make some excuse to get out of the situation...easily. It's the same old thing over and over. Then later we'll go to our major low's by ourselves. Or if we're fortunate we have a great guy by our side! But that takes a real tole on the fellow! I give anyone on the other end huge credit! But as for me I recognized I need help @ age 20 usually that is when it peaks. Anyway it was hard b/c I was a test dummy for all these medications for years and usually I would have given up it wasn't for my loving husband and family. I was a cutter. I also tried to commit suicide. I went to the hospital....that was hard on my family. This last time though I knew the very day and exactly what I was going to do to die but thought of my family and how they were there this whole time. Started to cry and called my mom to pick me up. We just drove around and that was enough for me to think of my stupidity. I stopped the cutting and now I have the right medication that works just right for ME. I have a great relationship w/my husband ( always have but now I just don't give him a bad time now ). And a beautiful baby! If your significant other decides to seek help it would be the best for them and you. I wish you the best. Post and let us know how you are.
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replied August 26th, 2009
Experienced User
Hi imahwnwahine thanks so much for sharing! My problem is that I hate myself at times because I'm not Superman. I thought I was the great guy, but my boundaries were never respected and I got intense pressure for marriage and sex. There seemed to never be a natural progression of a relationship. Ya know I'm 33 now and I recognize I'm not as young as I use to be. You know when you think your invincable and others are older than you etc. etc. plus I went through my own personal hell and overcame it. I shared that with my ex-girlfriend as she exhibited traits of jealousy for everything I worked hard for, planned for, and managed my money so well for. She seemed to think that I wasn't saving money up for an engagement ring, which that's what I told her in December '08. I said that I might not have money to marry her for two years, but in February '09 I received my income tax money and then I opened my money market account and I saved and saved and saved through thick and thin the ups and downs with her. I have about $1,900 today as of 8/26/09. Then I was carrying the entire relationship and I found out ALL about some of her dark secrets and her finances were a mess and I said to myself I hope she doesn't think I'm the one that's going to pay for a marraiage some day? I just couldn't be by her side anymore. I told her that it was NOT my job to save her and that only she could be the one to go and get help, but I would be there for her. But the belittling, the blaming of me in isolating her beautiful 15 year old daughter, who plays the viola, the July trip, the hot/cold, yes/no, and the final out and outright repulsion of me was too much to handle. I have many repeated e-mails that I sent to her over the course of our relationship where I said, "I'm worried about you, I'm worried about you, I'm worried about you." I just repeated it over and over again as the opening line to many e-mails. I'm on the ehealth forum now because it helps me to cope day to day. It helps me to feel like I'm making a difference. I never even knew what BPD is until this past relationship.
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replied August 26th, 2009
i wrote this in the other forum but maybe this one is a good one to share my story with as well.....


when i first met my currently ex-boyfriend, i totally fell head over feet, i have never had that instant feeling like that i cant even describe it. we had an instant connection and before long were dating in a serious relationship. things were going so well, we were eachothers best friends, laughing and having a good time all the time!!!

after a couple weeks i found an anti-depressant in his room and asked him why he took it. he said it wasnt a big deal, he just suffered anxiety and had a hard time sleeping sometimes. i let it go, even though i was a little confused about it. then like a week after that we were with my parents and he admitted to all of us that he is bipolar and some other ppl in his family are as well. this scared me a little too (his family lives across the country so i never got to meet them, he lives where i do for work). i didnt think too much into it because he said it wasnt bad and he took meds for it etc...

everything was going well we told eachother we loved one another, we had romantic nights out, we went on a trip out of state, he was always giving me roses, etc.. then one day totally out of the blue after just 2 nights ago we were having a blast together, he text me when i was at work, "we need to talk". well i wasnt going to go all day with that on my mind so i called him right then and asked him whats up and he said, "my feelings are changed, i just cant do it anymore". i was CRUSHED and couldnt figure out what went wrong... well this was 4 days ago and now that i have read all your posts im starting to feel a little better about it and not thinkiong it was me. i have had to go on lexapro as well cause my anxiety was/is so bad. (although there are other things going on in my life too)

well now we are meeting up to talk tonight because i really needed some answers and closure but now im not even sure if its worth it!!!

thank you so much for all your posts, it really helped me see things in another prespective
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replied January 29th, 2012
I have been dating my boyfriend for about nine months. We have never had an argument or fight. About three weeks ago, afer dinner he said that we needed to take a break and would see each other once in awhile. He is under a lot of stress and cannot handle anything. He also said that he did not want to date anyone else but if I want too it was ok. We continued to talk later that week. Then he calls and says I want to end our romantic relationship and just be friends. It has been a week and I have not heard anything from him.
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replied August 26th, 2009
Experienced User
Hi Daisy, after reading your post I would recommend that you be extremely careful! I agree that it might not be worth meeting over it! Your post is exactly like what happened with me and my ex...exactly. WE fell head over feet, but then something after 2 mo.s didn't feel right and her parents and I agreed that we needed to slow down. She didn't want to. I gave my ex 3 opportunities to right her ship and she never did and complained that I was the one who had issues, when I fact a few friends, relatives, and I knew something was amiss. She complained that I wanted her to be perfect or that she couldn't understand why I wouldn''t love her right where she was at. So when I did I'd get pushed away. She broke off our relationship 3 times and came back, but the 3rd break which I have described above was really really harsh. At times I'm mad/angry/upset/depressed/my old self etc. over this. My ex-girlfriend even said that I was the one that came back to her, when in fact I wasn't. I'm just trying to give you some safe conduct. I'd look for signs/symptoms of irrational behavior while you're meeting/talking. Memory problems as well. Be sure to examine facts and critically think. It's hard for me sometimes to critically think on the fly, but try to. I'd let him just talk and listen, but listen as slowly as possible and respond slowly as well. If something in your gut doesn't feel right, then run! REMEMBER TO ESTABLISH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES! I wish I had and also run at the same time. I wish you well. I hope this helps you some more. Let us who posted here your results/outcomes and perhaps we can help if you need it:)
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replied August 26th, 2009
Well this is where I am at. My fiance left 5 weeks ago. 3 weeks ago she was diagnosed with BPD. She went from Anger, to loving, to dellusional/hullusinations to now back to anger (ripped me a new butt hole yesturday) So I'm waiting for the loving again I'm told by weekend or early next week. She is taking her medication the doc is giving her but she feels that everyone else is crazy and she is fine. She calls it crazy I would never call it that. She left with one suit case full of clothes and left all her belongings and cat at my house. She doesn't even care for her cat. I say to her Biggie (cat) and Floyd (dog) say hi they miss you, she says whatever! she loved her cat so much now she doesnt care for it at all.

So I'm going to go to Havana Cuba for my wedding day Sept 12th with 3-4 guys and just take a week off. Then after that I think I'm going to fly down to Florida where she is at and see what is what. I need closure, but I can't when I hear what she is going through with the dellusions and hullcinations. Plus all her items at my house. Its so hard!!!!!!!!!!!
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replied August 26th, 2009
Jet Fire I'm also 33. She is 27. I am waiting for her to be stabilized again and see if she is willing to realize where she is at mentally and take her meds and get steady help. If she is not willing to help herself then I am going to get the hell out. But even if she does get help, the same episode could happen again. There just is no guarantee of anything ever!

I am the same as you, I've been doing non stop reading, I bought this book Married to Mania. I have a PDF file of it. Its about a couple married 15 years fully dedicated to making it work. Doesn't end pretty! So no matter how medicated, or how much both are willing to work, it can end like a car accident the next day. You will never ever be able to feel 100% comfortable in a relationship. I'm telling myself this even though I am half considering taking her back if she is willing to get help and wants to come back. 16 months of pure blis, 4 months of hell. I'm telling myself the medication and therapy will make the 16 months the norm, not the past 4 months. But I just don't know! I feel like I need some antidepresants also as everyday I am depressed.
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replied August 26th, 2009
Jet Fire: I feel for you, as I know what your going through. Can you explain to me how things went 1 month to 3 months after her episode happened?

I'm at 5 weeks. What happened to you in your situation after that?

Does she settle back into a normal state and then eventually realizes what happened?

How long after? how did it go? I'm just trying to get some help on what to expect going forward.

Like I said I'm half moving on but its not easy with all her clothes and cat and other furniture and stuff all at my house. I live in Toronto, Canada she lives in Florida, where I have a family condo. So how do I get all this to her. Jeezzzzzz!!! Sad
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replied August 29th, 2009
Bipolar Relationship
Hey Confused, Obviously even though she is taking medication that's prescribed to her it's not working! She needs to find another one or a few other ones that will work together to help her and even if they do work together you need to give her time to 1st find the right meds and 2nd mature a little bit! Obviously you have all your priorities. But it sounds like she doesn't. Which is too bad b/c you sound like a wonderful person. I'm sorry your having to go through this. A lot of persons that have mates w/BP end up taking some sort of antidepressant unfortunately. What was very interesting to note was that when I first met my husband he had depression before he met me....and then later I was diagnosed w/BP! The opposite occurred. It's not funny but at least he was sort of prepared Wink

Re: Your healing process.

I think it's only going to be harder w/ all of her things at your house! If you have her number or address in FL try to contact her ASAP and tell her come and get it. Give her ample warning w/ ample time. Under state law you have to. But after doing so you have the right to either get rid of it any way you want to if she does not come and get it. The thing is by you telling her to come and get things just might be a huge alarm for her and who knows what she'll do.....so be very careful! Especially because she is not stable yet. I cannot tell you what to do any more than what to say to her because that is all up to each individual and I dont know you two well enough to give any advice otherwise but you seem like a very smart person and one thing I always heeded that many today seem to do the opposite. In situations that may be confusing "Follow what your head is telling you, not your heart!" Many do the opposite and Follow their heart and end up getting hurt. But if you think about a situation and it seems right in your eyes....it will automatically feel right in your heart!
But if you follow your heart you may end up in a bad situation for later you may think back and have many regrets. "Confused" I wish you the best. Hope all goes well for you. Please take care of yourself!
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replied August 29th, 2009
When you say don't think with your heart, I can almost hear you telling me to not go back together with her and move on.

I heard today that her mother put her in a hospital Friday and she is actually getting better, I hear the dellusions are residing, and anger is also. When I said her meds weren't working, I think it was just to early as that message was like 10 days into starting on them. We are now at 20-25 days in medications and it looks like they are finally kicking in and stablizing her.

I keep contact with her family and friends, I also did speak to her often until the most recent conversation 5 days ago when it was back to major anger so I backed off since.

I don't think she wants to be doing all this to me. I know she loves me, we were about to be married and everything was very good for the first 16 months. It's hard to look at the last 3 months and say ok forget about the 16, forget about our wedding, forget about everything and move on. I just can't do that.
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replied August 31st, 2009
my bp ex and i were only together for 4 months when it ended out of no where but we fell deeply in love in a short period of time. he is 29 and im 28 and he was married anbd divorced at 21 and it ripped his world apart (she was cheating) but i promised him i would never do that and he still doesnt trust me 100% which i think is the main reason he broke up with me. i know he doesnt want to get hurt again, but in the meantime he is hurting me!! after not talking to or seeing him for days i came to realize that i love him not only romantically but as a friend as well... we are supposed to hang out as friends tonight, i am scared tho... i love him.. i know he is going to want me back eventually but do you guys think it is worth it for me to hang on and wait?? i want to have a family and get married eventually!!! and if i do try and date and we end up back together, im going to have to tell him and that could also ruin a future of us together.. but what if i dont and end up missing out on something that could be what i wanted all along?? i am so confused... the only thing i know is that i am in love with him and dont want to permanately lose him especially if its going to end up with us being happy together!

what should i do????
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replied August 31st, 2009
Experienced User
Hi Daisy! I guess there are really no easy answers. I know with my situation that my counselor told me that I have been violated in every way imaginable and that my ex-girlfriend is very very manipulative. Also, bear in mind too that if you want to have children and that BPD can be passed on from one generation to the next. I don't want to scare you, but I also want to speak truth to you. I was in that same boat with my ex-girlfriend. She never told me that she had mental issues, but wanted to talk about having a child down the road after 3mo.s This was really really selfish to hold that back on her part. Now adoption might be an option. Adoption is an answer for me in general if I were to find a great girl. The trust issue ditto with me as well. I have a lot of "older" female friends 47+ that are like my sisters and that's all, but I addressed and inquired about this early on in my relationship with my ex in a mature adult fasion and she seemed fine with it, but over time she started to change and get really paranoid of them. She had ment them too so she could get a feel for their character and that she had nothing to worry about. But it worked to no avail. My ex got jealous of my female friends that lived in other states that I hadn't seen in 2 years. I would also set some healthy boundaries! I have read some awesome books lately called Safe People by Cloud & Townsend as well as Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend, lastly Boundaries in Dating by Cloud & Townsend. What I found out is that my ex is NOT a SAFE person at all. But this is very hard I know. I'm still dealing with the "what ifs" With my situation I actually work with my ex-girlfriend. Her cubicle is 30' away from mine if I had to guess.
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replied August 31st, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey Jet_Fire

First of all, never date a co-worker. Now is an idea time to update your resume.

Second I don't think it was a break-up tactic. From what you describe it sounds like she came out to you about her BPD because she realized she was losing control of her disorder. A lot of people with Bipolar feel the need to get out of relationships in order to focus on their recovery, a lot of people suffering with BPD sabotage their relationships because of deteriorating self-esteem.

As far as her rendezvous, her disorder may make it impossible to maintain a healthy relationship but it doesn't negate her need for sex. In fact for some it makes the need very intense. If she needed to be touched and she didn't choose you, it was likely either out of shame for how she treated you or a desire not to hurt you any longer.
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replied August 31st, 2009
Experienced User
Hey Wolf! Thanks for the feedback! I agree too in the body of your response. She asked me to be her friend, but I couldn't take it after she belittled me, accused me of her problems with her daughter etc. the hot/cold, yes/no attitude. I come from a single parent family and I LOVE her daughter. She's beautiful and plays the viola. She's really smart and wants to go to Juliard. My ex said in May '08 that she wasn't a good mother, girlfriend, or friend and she couldn't see how I was a friend to her for 10mo. that we really couldn't even be friends after she said that we were best friends. I told her that "LOVE" bears things but she just got so rotten and vindictive to try to see how much abuse I could take before I would bear her any more. You're right on the coworker part! I ignored my ex for 3mo.s but oh she made it look so good! WE agreed to change jobs at least one of us, but about 4 months into the relationship I was starting to hold everything up and it was I who had to look for other work. I tried but the economy was heading south like a duck in winter and it's just been hell trying to find a new job every since 10/08. I almost quit my jon twice due to her. I have been looking daily for work and on my weekends believe me. I am however torn. I have been trying to smile at her when I do make eye contact. Had she let me know what was going on I could have just said, "Oh It's the bipolar talking" I just got so scared! I never knew what BPD is until now. Now all I have is this website and my friends on it.
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replied August 31st, 2009
Wolf your so right with your statement.

Second I don't think it was a break-up tactic. From what you describe it sounds like she came out to you about her BPD because she realized she was losing control of her disorder. A lot of people with Bipolar feel the need to get out of relationships in order to focus on their recovery, a lot of people suffering with BPD sabotage their relationships because of deteriorating self-esteem.

My fiance knew there was problems inside her and she was not diagnosed. She was crying out for help. Put books on how to boost partners self esteem on my pillow. Wrote herself notes saying everything is good. Bought a bunch of "life is good" products and spread it around the house. Spoked major marijuana to cover the demons inside. Everything she tried I didn't know what was going on. 16 months of perfect relationship, quits her job, loses all self esteem and self worth and now our wedding was canceled and she left and is now diagnosed and is currently getting help.
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replied September 1st, 2009
well last night i went out with the ex because after not seeing him i decided that i truly missed him, not because of the fact that i am completely in love with him but also because our friendship means a lot to me as well.

so i picked him up and we went out as 'friends' and after having a good time with him, he kisses me and after a while we are kissing, laughing, holding hands and basically acting like a couple again. i didnt really think too much into it because i know he feels like he needs time still but i just dont get why, if he needs this time, why are you all over me??? why cant you just act like my friend like we were supposed to?!

then this morning he told me not to talk to him, in sort of as joking way, probably because of how our 'friends' night ended up, but i havent even talked to him today.

i know he loves me, and he knows how much i love him but sometimes i just feel like i could only feel the friendship way about him so i dont have to feel so hurt about it. i wish i would just know if we were going to have a future or not, it kills me!
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replied September 11th, 2009
I have been married 29 years to my husband (since I was 18 and he was 20), who was diagnosed as bipolar in his 30s--about 14 years ago. For the past 12 years, we've been talking about divorce off and on. He is emotionally and verbally abusive (belittling, name calling, etc.). I think that at this point it is time to go. The mental and emotional toll that it takes is not worth it. My oldest son is also diagnosed as bipolar, and that, too, has been very difficult.

I hate to say this because I know that it is an organic condition, but I would not encourage anyone to knowingly get into a relationship with a bipolar individual. You will endure a lifetime of this type of behavior.
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replied November 24th, 2011
I hate to say I think I was looking for something like this, yet I still find myself with hope in my heart.

This person recently came back into my life after 18 years, and we love each other completely. I believe he is BP based on behavior the past year, and he finally admitted he has covered it up with alcohol since adolescence. He is sober now after treatment earlier this year.

Is it common for the BP individual to push away just ONE person? Because it always seems to be just me, yet he doesn't talk badly about me to the people he does talk to. And he always comes around and is apologetic and regretful for all the things he's said. He is starting to get it under control- there is still the "low times", but he cuts off communication for the most part instead of being completely nasty.

This time, it was sudden, and most of the time it's gradual. Exactly one week ago, he was telling me he loved me and missed me (I was going out of town), and then all hell broke loose and just tonight I asked him "If I am absolutely no part of your life any more, then just hang up". And he hung up. He says he wants to save me a life of misery, but he does love me with all of his heart.

He has not given the sessions enough of a chance for a good diagnosis, and medication has never been mentioned yet. But he's already giving up.

I know there is nothing I can do to change HIS behavior, I can only handle how to manage my own reactions. But it's so, so hard to give up when you care about that person so deeply.

Do you go to support groups yourself? I wish you the best....
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replied September 27th, 2009
Experienced User
Confused_InLove,

I hate to say this..but..you are on the beginning of the rollercoaster I rode! Finally, it was a choice between my own mental health and stay to endure the never ending cycle of clingy depression to manic psychosis and back again.

If you stay, I predict that the day will come when you will have to make that same choice.
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