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Bipolar? Schizophrenia? What is wrong with me?

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I have a family history of both. My psych has had me write a diary, i wonder what people think it points to?:

Sunday 15th of May 2011
Mood:

2. Feeling quite low, like I could burst into tears at any moment, and very irritable. The endless noise of this house is doing my head in, but I know quiet would be worse.
Dream:

Most of my dreams are reoccurring; last night was one of them:
In the dream I’m the only sister to 8 brothers, 5 older, 3 younger. We live in a 3 bed house with our drug addict mum. Our father left us a few years before, and with our mum not being fit I took over the mother role. Basically we’re neglected emotionally, but that’s it. Then mum meets a new man and moves him in. Also an addict he’s violent towards us all, keeps us locked in the house, only him, and occasionally mum, are allowed out of the house. He regularly beats us and we don’t need to do anything wrong to make it happen. We live in squalor and constant fear. This spans 2 years, then they win money, we get new clothes and bikes and he lets us play out on them for 30 mins every week. One day I make a break for it, and bike as fast and as far as I can. I stumble into an instrument shop, and the shop keeper see’s the bruises etc and gives me food, water and starts teaching me guitar. This is my regular thing until one day mum’s partner follows me and finds me, he’s about to beat me up again when the shop keeper comes and stops him, with police. I generally wake up when he gets away from the police, but last night I woke up just after the cuffed him.
Additional:

I couldn’t get back to sleep after my dream it was about 6am, and I’d only been asleep 2 hours, finally got off just before DS woke for his morning bottle at 7:30. Everything and everyone seems to be setting out to annoy me. We have 4 cats, we had 1 to begin with, but she got pregnant and I couldn’t give them up, it was hard enough rehoming 3 of them, and 1 of them is my little brothers, They all go mad on a night time, chasing each other etc, it keeps me up. My kids, I love them, but DD not sleeping is getting too much. Most nights I’m worried about what will happen if I fall asleep. She has a habit of getting out of her room at stupid o’clock in the morning and messing, I know I can’t help what happens when I’m asleep, but I feel like, while this is going on I SHOULDN’T go to sleep. Although I did this when we we’re living in our flat, and was told off by HV, said I should just sleep and not worry about things I can’t control, but in the flat she couldn’t open doors… On top of that she’s CONSTANTLY back chatting, something which started after joining nursery, There’s a lot of things that she does now that she wouldn’t have done before. DS’s taken to kicking the sides of his cot at night. His cot’s at my side of the bed, so we can have the benefits of bed-sharing without any of the risks. It’s like a ticking clock though, just getting to the back of your head and sticking there long after it’s finished. Can’t blame them though, DS doesn’t know what he’s doing, all he knows is he can push himself to the top of his cot, and DD is like every other 4 y/o, pushing boundaries and seeing what she can get away with, I just wish she’d learn quicker, some of the things she’s been doing and getting time-outs for since she was 1!
OH’s doing an IT degree with the OU, he needs to use the computer a lot of the time, which means when I’ve had a stressful day with the kids etc I can’t do what would normally wind me down, playing PC games. He can’t talk when he’s typing, so I generally spend all day with the kids, then all night sat on my own with him in the room wanting complete silence. I know he needs to do it, but I’m starting to worry, I’m Starting a course with them in October and if he needs the computer and absolute silence to do his how can I do mine? Every time I try to better myself education wise something gets in the way, and I can see it happening again. All I really want is something to help me unwind, either games or work, and right now I’m stuck in limbo, needing a challenge and getting the monotony of day to day life.
It’s DD’s 4th birthday on Thursday, I really hope my mood improves, we’re not doing anything special really, getting a McDonalds for her, my little brother, OH and me. And letting her spend £50 in B & M on whatever she wants, but I still want it perfect. I wish we had more money to spend on it, and people to come round, at her age I’d already had proper parties with bouncy castles etc, I can’t afford it, there’s no where to have it, and no one to come to it…


Wednesday 18th of May 2011
Mood:

1. I can’t be arsed anymore.
Dream:

Another 2 reoccurring dreams:
In the first I was raped by an old family friend who died years ago. Nothing else to it, in the dream I was laid in bed at my mum’s and he came into my room and raped me. I woke up not long after. After I fell back to sleep I had another dream, this time it started like a normal day, then me and OH were arguing about money for DD’s birthday, he said ‘I know something that’ll sort it’ And he went into DD’s bedroom and shot her, he pushed me down the stairs and went and shot DS, then he came to me, looked down at me with a smile on his face and aimed at me, then I woke up. I couldn’t get back to sleep after.

Additional:
This whole task seems ridiculous; I just can’t see the point. I tried to write on Monday and yesterday but just couldn’t get my words in order. I can’t see what benefit this’ll be to anyone, I’ve been going to doctors for years over my head and it’s just been brushed off, been told it’s cos of my age or smoking, I’ll get over it, it a phase, or my ‘favourite’ ‘you don’t look depressed’. Why should I even bother when everything that happens is put down to me being melodramatic or attention seeking? The only time people listen to me rather than interpreting wrongly is when it suites them. I’m so scared of what will happen if I am completely honest as well. 9 times out of 10 I don’t act on my thoughts or feelings when they get bad, but that wont stop people judging by textbooks will it. No matter what I say against doing it, if I admit when I’m contemplating harming myself in some way that’s it, I’ll be put under obs and then I KNOW I’ll just get worse. I wouldn’t even have to do any of this if it wasn’t for OH forcing me to see the doctor again. Sometimes I think he doesn’t actually realise how serious any of this can be. I can’t risk this. Apparently when my granddad went to Lynnfield he always ended up a lot worse than when he waited his episodes out at home. A lot of the things I was told by my mum though, and to be quite honest I never know whats truth or fabrications. She lies that often that she can’t keep up with them, things she’s told me that now she swears blind she didn’t. If I bring up things she’s said it’s MY ‘pickled’ head, not hers. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was her problems that have caused mine.

Thursday 19th of May 2011
Mood:

1
Dream:

Didn’t have one, or can’t remember.
Additional:
DD had a good day, which is nice, but I didn’t really. I don’t know what happened, the black dog’s run away with my mood, I got stupidly stressed out for no reason, got a migraine and now keep getting stupid thoughts. I wish I could just forget about the kids and do something stupid, but I’m not there yet. It’s times like this I wonder what I’ve done bringing kids into the world, planning a life with someone, the kids don’t see it yet, but they will one day, and then what? Poor OH puts up with so much from me. I drag everyone down with me, and have since I was a kid. Sometimes I wonder if I really did drive my dad to it. I could picture it, I find it hard living with me. My poor family, I feel so sorry for forcing them into this mess of a life, what hope do they have when I’m like this, it takes more than love and knowledge to be brought up right and happy…

Friday 20th of May 2011
Mood:

1
Dream:

I dreamt about swimming with sharks, It was a really nice dream actually, I’ve always wanted to do it J
Additional:
I woke up still knackered at about 11:30 today. Sometime during the night I woke up but I couldn’t move, This has been happening years, so I know what to expect, but I still try to move and talk. I’ll try to fight my body to lift my arms, but I can’t, at most I’ll twitch a finger, but it really hurts. While it was happening I saw a fat young boy come into my room, Kneel on my chest and hold me down, I could barely breathe and I tried to scream, but as always it came out like a puppy whimper. The whole episode only last about 10 to 15 mins, 5 of that with the boy on my cheats, and then it stops, ‘he’ disappears and I can move, breathe and talk instantly, like nothings happened. It feels like it lasts a lifetime though, and it always drains whatever energy I have.
Right now I’m trying to decide if I should admit something to you, but I’m really scared of what it’ll mean. When my brains running I’ll write or type, OH thinks I should show you my actual diary, as well as this, but I don’t trust you, or anyone else who might see it, enough. I’m going to do some research to see my fears are founded, if I can make it safer to tell you, cos it does need to be known, but I won’t be able to do anything about it until I find out what I need to know. Need to get internet back on.
You’ll remember I said that it all got better when I was pregnant, but then I remembered something, yes, when I was further along it was better, the hallucinations didn’t get as far as ‘the shadow man’ , just shadows and movement in the corner of my eye and mumbling, sometimes that can be worse, sometimes it lasts that long that I wish for ‘the shadow man’, But I was early in my pregnancy when I went to see my doc over these because ‘the shadow man’ had been ‘following’ me around for a few months. I was too scared of what would happen if I told someone, but It had got to a point then that I had to take the risk, I had to let someone know. It happened when I was pregnant with DD as well, but I was 4 months pregnant before I found out, and ‘he’ disappeared before I’d found out. With both, things got better after the first trimester, with DD I was still quite high but without any hallucinations up until my last 2 months when I hit a massive low, With DS I hit a low not long after reaching 14 weeks, but got an high at about 5/6 months, when I had some minor hallucinations, then at around 8 months I hit another low, asking myself why I thought it was a good idea etc. Add to that the stress, I was really ill, sleeping in between throwing up, if I was awake I’d be stressing about him being born prem, like all boys on my side, and then being stressed about being induced. I’m so thankful for them both though, and OH, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for OH…

Monday 23rd of May 2011
Mood:

6
Dream:

I dreamt that we were being chased by zombies through the street. We got home and boarded up the windows and door so they couldn’t get in, and moved fridge etc upstairs and I pulled a shotgun from under the bed. They got through window and I went down to save one of our cats, they got past me and got to OH, DD and DS but completely ignored me and the cat. No matter what I tried I just couldn’t save them.
Additional:
Been really busy, and kind of forgot about this! I’ve decided that with OH’s help I’m going to make a computer game. I’m trying to learn how to knit as well.
I was really low on Friday, I blew up, shouting my head off at OH, and I can’t even remember why. He went to pick up DD and my thoughts turned to suicide, right then it seemed like a good idea. I wish I could say why I felt like that, but I don’t know now, I’m sure I had a good reason when it happened, generally it’s cos I’m sure everyone would be better off without me.. It’s a good job DS woke up and OH came home. I wouldn’t do it while kids needed me, which is a stupid thing to say, they’ll always need me, I’m their mum! I had a spliff after kids had gone to bed and tidying had been done, It helps me. I know it could be exacerbating my symptoms, but when I have one I calm down, relax and can speak to OH easier. I can do anyway about the small things, but the big things, like my thoughts etc, I need help with them. I find it easier to write things down when it gets too far. I don’t know what I’d do without him, he has to do a lot for me, and not just the going out, coming to appointments and stuff. Since we first met he’s been my lifeline really, when things have got bad I know he’s there to stop me doing something stupid. When I get like that he has to keep an eye on me, If I can’t get to sleep he has to stay up, cos the middle of the night, when no one’s up, is when it normally gets to that point. He has to remind me to eat & drink & even get dressed, I hate myself for what I do sometimes.
Things are going to get better though, I know it! Things are getting sorted, I’m looking forward to finally being ‘normal’. I’d love to be able to just decide to take the kids somewhere without planning it a week before, Or being followed by the voices.

Wednesday 25th of May 2011
Mood:

3
Dream:
I dreamt of him again
Additional:
Finding it really hard to stick to this, I can’;t focus on it, it’s like I try, but my hands and head want to do completely different things to each other and me.
Was cleaning litter trays and the whispering started, Had fast moving shadows and a constant whispering/mumbling, It scared me, for the first time in years, it’s like they’re not happy, I honestly found myself thinking that they were going to get me…


Friday 11th june 2011

Mood:
7

Dream:
?

Additional:
Reality isn't real, it's like an haze of itself over fantasy?


Monday 13th June 2011
Mood:

3-6
Dream:
I’d rather leave this one out…

Additional:
I just couldn’t type anymore, it wasn’t working. Since last entry went a bit stupid and spent almost £500 in 1 hour, no idea how. The whispering and mumbling carried on for about a week, constantly freaking me out, they really did scare me, then stopped. Now I’m starting to fluctuate, one minute I’ll be really optimistic and hyper (I’ll do a lot of bouncing about, if I see grass I want to do handstands etc) and then I dive down, I can’t see anything past my thoughts, I Physically hurt and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and disappear. Last night I had trouble sleeping, and all I could think was ‘the window is just there and it’s a concrete floor’ Not bad enough to act on it, and I don’t thik I COULD bring myself to do it, well not that way. Sometimes I just feeling like screaming for help, Others I don’t want people near me




Secondly, I was abused as a child, from 4 to 14, and mny partner thinks i should mention it, i have things i've already written about it, but i don't want it on my records, Don't want GP etc knowing and i don't want that label. what do you think? can i tell psych i don't want it in my records, or does she have to put it in? No one knows about it apart from my partner (and the god knows how many hundreds will have read some posts) and i'd kinda like to keep it that way

I'm in the UK and it's NHS

BTW psych doesn't seem to think it's bipolar cos it didn't get worse in pregnancy, slightly better.

Read more: Mental Conditions Forum - What on earth is wrong with me??? http://ehealthforum.com/health/what-on-ear th-is-wrong-with-me-t287239.html#ixzz1PSO9 Sw8j
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