I have been with my partner for 5 years, and we have two kids together, one of which is only 8 weeks old. After much persuasion he has finally talked to the Dr about the fact that he is so angry and abusive, rather than just depressed as he has been treated for for many years. However, I don't feel like I can cope anymore. I feel like he is killing me. He is just so awful to me. He calls me the most revolting names, and when he is angry he will do it front of the kids cos he just doesn't care as far as I can tell. He has also been physical with me on a number of occassions. I know when he goes off like this I just have to keep quiet (if I can :S) and he'll text or say sorry to me a few hours later and totally regret all the horrid, soul destroying things he has said... but if I don't accept his apology right away he'll get angry at me again. He always blames me (or someone else) for everything that goes wrong, and infact accused me of being nacissistic, even when I do everything for him and my kids.... tonight he actually threatened to slit the throat of my ex - who I I broke up with a year before I met him (so 6 years ago) and I have no desire (nor have I ever had) to get back with, but he is obsessed with hating. anyway, do these sound like traits of Bipolar? or maybe Borderline personality disorder... Do people like this ever become easier to live with? I can't handle being called a wh@re, or a retard, or a fat f@#k, or a selfish b#tch one more time if there is no hope?
Wow my boyfriend is the same way and i feel like my soul is being killed also.He is in a 5 day hold getting meds right now but hope there is another facility to keep him for longer to deal with his past and issues..The hard part is that he can be the most loving man in the world.
How do you cope helper123? I hope the meds help. Do you have children? I don't think I'd be staying if I didn't have the kids, it's just too emotionally draining. My partner is still waiting on a psychiatric appointment but his GP has recently changed his meds on recommendation from a psychiatrist so I am hoping that will help a little. My partner can be so loving as well, and he adores his kids, but then his moods are so unpredictable and turn to hatred in a flash. I think he has such a warped perception of reality - like everyone is against him... I just find it so hard to understand how someone could love me and yet say and do such horrible things.
If my bf was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO abusive as yours I would have left ages ago, loving means loving me first, if I cant love me in a relationship I cannot love them either. My Bf is certainly BP, he can be very angry and say things he will say he never said and I misunderstood him, however he is NOT that abusive.
I agree Reggiane - I shouldn't have stayed, but I guess I have my own problems i.e. I'm scared to be alone, I'm scared to bring up three kids alone, and I do still have some feelings for him, plus I don't wanna be a failure... I guess it's hard for others to understand and when you're so beaten down it kinda becomes real iygwim... I was more just asking this stuff cos I wondered if other's BP partners were similar??
Listen, whether or not the guy is bi-polar is a side note. The fact is that he's abusive and that probably isn't going to change. You need to do what's right for you and your kids, esspecially if he refused treatment.
I'm bi-polar. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending), It was so mild that I didn't get diagnosed until 41 years old. While I'm not physically abusive, I was very emotionally abusive. My biggest problem was around getting together with other women. I was also a Steroid user which made this condition worse. Steroids & Bipolar are not a good mix!
While there can be some empathy and forgiveness due to my diagnosis, I'm still 100% responsbible for my sins. The way I see it, if I chose to not accept treatment and/or relive the same behaviors, this time there can't even be empathy. I have nobody to blame but myself at that point.
My advice, for what it's worth, you need to first protect your kids and yourself. You need to remove yourself from what seems an violent and potentially explosive situation. If you love this guy enough, then talk to him about treatment. If he loves you, he will get it. If he doesn't you have your answer. EIther way, wehter it's bipolar, some other mental illness or just anger managment, he needs to help himself.
By the way, a total lack of empathy for others, wild mood swings and strong feelings of remorse once you blow things up, were certianly symptoms that I had.
OK, 3lilbirds.....try to think about it in a different way. How would you feel if someone were treating one of your children this way? Would you be OK with them tolerating it and continuing to stay with that person? As hard as it is to contemplate having to leave, being on your own, raising children on your own, instead think about what they will grow up seeing and believing "normal" is. Although most of us know, rationally, what "should" be done....what "good" choices are....we tend to repeat what we KNOW/what we grew up with/what we're USED TO. I know how hard it is to even think about leaving someone you love...someone who's BP and has been abusive, cruel, etc. I've given up 4 years so far, with nothing to show for it except losing MY self-belief and confidence. Letting go of him is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do....I struggle everyday. Yet if you asked me if I'd want one of my daughters treated this way, I wouldn't need even a split second to think about it. PLEASE think of what this is doing (and WILL do) to your children, if it's too hard to make the decision based on just you alone! They will watch, year after year, what's done to you....how devalued you are....and think that sort of treatment is OK to accept from someone who says they "love" you. No mom wants that for their child. Please love/value yourself as much as THEY do, and as much as you do THEM. You don't deserve to live that way!
Being bipolar does not excuse some of that behavior. You need to tell him (hopefully when he is stable) that his behavior is unacceptable and that there will be consequences if he continues.
You should tell him that if he threatens to physically harm you, or physically injures you, you will call the police.
You should tell him that if he is verbally abusive toward you, you are going to take the kids and leave the room, and he is not to follow you, or maybe that you will take the kids or spend a night in a hotel, or that he has to leave the house for an hour.
You should strongly encourage him to get help. If you still want to continue the relationship, give him a time limit. Tell him that you want him to get better, that you will help him get better, but that if he is not getting better in say, six months, you are leaving.
I doubt people like that will ever be easy to live with, but if they are not following a plan managed by a psychiatrist, then the probability of them getting better on their own is too low to even consider.
If he is going through an episode, he may not want to listen. He might need to fall hard, wind up in handcuffs or worse before he realizes that he needs help. All you can really do is help him the best you can and remove yourself and your children from the situation if and when it gets to the point that you cannot handle it (especially if he is not being treated).
You also have to be sure that you follow through on any consequences you promise. It may be hard to call the police, or leave him alone, but you will ultimately be helping yourself and hopefully him.
Also, it does sound like it could be bipolar disorder. Lots of times psychiatrists miss the other "poll" and they diagnose the condition as unipolar depression. Anti-depressants run the risk of triggering mania or mixed states in bipolar individuals.