Hi im new on here. I'm a 15 year old male with a big heart.Please read all of this <3. Ive been scared ever since ive turned 15 because im pretty sure im bipolar with ocd. Recently, ive was in a "manic" state and i was sooo happy, i wanted to do everything, i loved life, i was talking fast and next thing i knew , it was already like 12 o'clock& i didn't even realize how fast time was moving. I would also wake up in the morning & get ready for school and music(in my head) would be playing non- stop until i was at school. I think it was racing thoughts. Some times i just love life and i want to live life to the fullest & it's so important to me that i do. Ever since i was little ive wanted to do everything with my life. :'( . getting a little emotional writing this, ahah. I'm also pretty positive i have ocd, because ive had those obssessive thoughts of stabbing a family member when in the kitchen. And i hated it, or i would have thoughts of really negative things about my loved ones. It was like i loved them so much i would hate tot think anything bad about them, so i did.I would also think that if i were to hold a cute baby, i could easily just drop it or throw it. I thought i was a bad person because of all these unwanted thoughts. I wouldn't say it's a severe case of OCD though. I was also really terrified about schizophrenia at one point because that would be the death of me. I wouldnt want to live life as a person detached from reality so bad were they have to be hospitalized. I would cry every day thinking about life passing me by if i was schizo. I am a pretty loud and outgoing,, and annoying kid. haha. I have alot of friends and i have always been really social. So i would be over if i was ever diagnosed as a schizophrenic. The reasons i thought i was schizophrenic; i was really paranoid when i was high once which is a little normal because paranoia is a symptom from marijuana but it scared me when i thought about it later. And also, i thought i heard my name being called only like once though. And just today actually i was like dreaming and i heard music in my dream& when i woke up it stopped ofcorse but it sounded like it was in my ear. Back to bipolar, when i thought that i might be bipolar,ocd, or even schizo i went into a depression that lasted for like 5 weeks, thinking about how i would hate to have some type of disorder and how my life wouldnt be perfect like i wanted it to be(ocd). In this depressive episode, I'm pretty sure i saw some dark shadows or something. I knew they were fake and i never got paranoid about them or anything, or i didn't think they were actual people ahaa. I ignored it and carried on, but as soon as i was happy again, everything just stopped. those shadows, and all that.I also hated myself,felt worthless, felt unwanted,and felt nobody loved me. In the manic state i was the complete opposite, i was happy,loved myself,felt i can get through anything, and i told myself i would be okay, stay strong. I have a friend whos bipolar and a friend diagnosed with depression and ADHD and he's hallucinated, heard music, and has had delusions of being a famous person. He opens up to alot of people about it. The only times i've been really paranoid was when i was high. I've also been very insecure growing up so that could come off pretty paranoid. I know my grandmother had a chemical imbalance in her brain( depression ) & my family has no history of schizophrenics. My father and my aunt both have been diagnosed with brain tumors also.....As my behavior. I've been told i have a behavioral problem. I've gotten written up loads of times for using my phone, cutting class with friends, and so on. I also know that if i am really happy, i will be out of control. Happiness and love is the most important thing in this world i feel. Growing up i always felt alone until i hit like highschool, i made loooots of friends. Growing up and still now a little, I've always wanted to be surrounded by people who love me,(tearing up). I've always loved people, and i always enjoyed being around people my family always noticed. Someone please help me, i would love to hear your input. <3 ~ Chris
I really hope you get a diagnosis so you know for sure what you're dealing with. Not sure where you are from but CAMH in Toronto is the place that two of my immediate family members have been thoroughly assessed. they both have it and are relieved to know what it is.I am relieved as well. they have an illness and are being treated for it. Now they know why think and feel the way they do.Bi-polar magazine offers some awesome support. Good lcuk and please let us know how you're doing.