I have recently been preliminarily diagnosed with either Bipolar II or Cyclothymia (ie. by a GP - awaiting psychiatric assessment) and am becoming ever confused and anxious about this possiblity as I know that such a condition would be lifelong and could potentially worsen with age.

At 14 I was diagnosed with anorexia, severe depression and anxiety weighing just 5 stone (70 IBs to you Americans!) and measuring around 5"3 in height. I was put on antidepressants and saw a child pschologist and a psychiatrist. The first thing my psychiatrist wanted to do was put me on mood stabilisers though my mother was very worried about this (she panicked that they thought I was BiPolar) and it was dropped. Since then I have continued to be on and off many sorts of SSRIs (none have helped for a prolonged time). I have severe memory blanks of my adolescence but I know I self-harmed, hit boyfriends and my mother, attempted to strangle two of my friends, hit my head against walls, trashed a room at school, ran away from home twice, became bulimic for 5 years and suffered catatonic states. Despite this I would consider myself USUALLY well-behaved as a teenager and the above misbehaviuor to be severely out of character as I never questioned authority, always did as my parents asked, treated others with respect (apart from the obvious brief episodes listed above) and was only ever in trouble (though was frequently in trouble for this!) for talking. I was the only person in sixth form college to be moved to sit alone because I was disturbing others. Occurences prior to adolescence were sever visual and auditory hallucinations from around the age of 5 - 10 (though not constantly). I was never taken to a doctor for these.

From 18 years on (now 22) I have suffered catatonic states, extreme anxiety, agoraphobia for a period of time, severe depression, panic disorder and periods of euphoria/hyperactivity (though not all at the same time!). My moods cycled rapidly as an 18 year old - I'd be absolutely euphoric for a few hours then deeply depressed and immobile for a few hours and repeat. I went to a doctor who asked if I was in debt. When I said no she said I wasn't bipolar! Nice diagnostics there...

Anyway, I still suffer periods of euphoria (though only a few hours long if that) that are now more what my doctor describes as "mixed states" - I don't enjoy them anymore, they make me feel as if I'm going insane. I also suffer episodes of either extreme hyposomnia (in which I can miss out entire days) and extreme insomnia (in which I can go days on VERY little sleep and not feel tired). I occasionally feel extremely restless and hyperactive and get too many ideas at once. I occassionally feel more optimistic and feel certain that I will succeed (which is out of character for me) though this doesn't last long. My main, prolonged symptom is extreme depression.

The things I'm worried about right now are the fact that in the last two years (since being put back on antidepressants) I've really screwed up my life. I was the highest achieving student at my university, breaking their records with my marks. I was productive, organised, clean and tidy and very driven and motivated. I was NEVER late for anything, though I suffered extreme anxiety and was so socially phobic I would lock myself in my room when people visited the house (even if I knew them) and found it incredibly difficult to leave my room even to go to the toilet even though the toilet was next to my room! Within a month of being on antidepressants my personality changed. I was EXTREMELY happy (though in my diary I had written that the happiness was overwhelming and I felt like I was going insane), suddenly socially confident, incredibly productive and started to spend money (not in outlandish shopping sprees - I just stopped worrying about spending). But other things got worse. I started being late to EVERYTHING, letting people down constantly, I eventually stopped washing or looking after my home (though by this time a very deep depression had set in), I got into debt, quit my postgraduate course, got sacked from two jobs (for ureliability) and was so unreliable in my last job I could be more than three hours late for work! I don't pay my bills, even when I am told my utilities will be disconnected and, though recently made redundant, haven't even updated my CV never mind made the most cursory search for a job. I did feel guilty, and I am not avoiding paying my bills out of anxiety - I have the money - but although I know I should be worrying about the consequences I have this weird feeling that nothing bad will ever actually happen so I can't bring myself to take the consequences seriously!

All of the above is EXTREMELY out of charater for me. I was once an extremely responsible, hard-working and punctual person on the road to success. Now I'm down and out and struggling with loan repayments. Now that I have been put on mood-stabilisers and taken off antidepressants I'm VERY angry with myself for my behaviour over the last few years and I am worried I will continue to screw up.

I see how this COULD point to bipolar but as my euphoric moods are so short it couldn't be could it? Couldn't it just be the effect of the antidepressants (though I know they can push people with bipolar into mania - but surely I would have been worse...) or the effects of a mixture of anxiety and extreme depression?

I'm sorry for the long post but I'm having difficulty believing there's even the remotest possiblity of me having bipolar. I wonder whether anyone here who DOES have bipolar could let me know if anything I have said above sounds familiar to you?