Bipolar Disorder Forum - Bipolar husband told me that he's never really loved me

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Q: Bipolar husband told me that he's never really loved me

asked by: jesusfish2003 on September 23rd, 2009

New User

Hey everybody! I'm very new to this forum but after reading some of the posts I could tell that this would be a good place to go to for help and advice with my bipolar husband. We've been married for over 2.5 years (only dated for 6 months) and I've been feeling like our marriage has been going great. He got diagnosed with type 1 about 2 years ago and we've definitely had our ups and downs. He cheated on me once with an ex about 3 weeks after he was diagnosed but we worked through it together and he hasn't talked to her since and promised himself to me because he loves me so much. Well, last night we talked for a few hours and he told me that he doesn't love me and that he feels like he never has. Also like he can't tell me anything because I'm a "nice person and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings". We did have a bad argument a week ago but we talked about that before and I thought that we were over it, but I guess not. That hurt me so bad just hearing that and him telling me that if he stayed with me he'd feel like he's just living with a roommate not a wife. This past week he's been driving around at night and spending time with his single guy friends (newly divorced) at bars til like 3am. He tells me that he's not cheating on me, but wants to have fun with his buddies and he drives to think about what he wants. I don't mind him going out every now and then but I want him to answer his phone if he's going to be later then he said he'd be so I know he's okay (is that to much to ask? He doesn't answer his phone then gets home and tries to "make it up to me"). He's done this quite a few times, usually every few months and it lasts for a couple of weeks then it stops and we're back to being a normal and loving couple. But he's never said anything like this to me before. I'm really really scared because I love him with all of my heart and I don't want to lose him. He's never been violent and I wish he'd take his meds but he doesn't so this cycle just continues :-/ We don't have any kids yet, but we just bought a house a couple of months ago and new cars, etc. How am I supposed to handle this one? And not to get to tmi, but we had just had sex last night before the convo and he was definitely into it and he cuddled me all night and this morning after the convo. I tried to back away a little just because I don't want to get hurt but I gave in :-/ Then he initiated intimacy again this morning and it got really passionate then afterwards he acted like we never had the convo. Sorry this is so long but I'm really confused! He left his ex after 4 years (the one before me) one day with no warning and i don't want that to happen to me. Thank you everybody for all of your advice. I want to get counseling and I'm waiting til my next work schedule to make my appointments. I just got my new dream job and just graduated nursing school in May. I would've graduated about 1.5 years ago but when he proposed we had to move for his work so I basically had to start everything over for him :-/ Even he's told me that he loves our life and is so happy that everything's going our way :-/ Thank you everybody again... I'm so confused!!!!

Replies(9)

mnm07

replied on September 29th, 2009

New User

So sorry to hear about what you are going through. Has there been any talk of divorce? He says he doesn't love you, what does he want to do about it? Are you involved in his treatment, ie seeing the pdoc and all? If not, that might be a good thing to start. This is a horrible illness and has the potential to destroy lives! Hope you have a strong support system for yourself, congrats on your graduation from nursing school...I'm just getting ready to start n.s. Smile

jesusfish2003

replied on October 2nd, 2009

New User

Thank you so much for responding! Things have gotten a little bit better since. Like every other day he'll say "I Love you too" but on the other days he'll just say "I know". He'll hold my hand and give me kisses in public though now. For I while he wouldn't get anywhere close to me. He was taking meds a year ago but stopped and I'm trying to wait til the best time to bring it up to him, cause if I say anything now he'll get to upset and probably leave. I want him on them so so bad, but I don't want to be pushy. I hate having to "walk on eggshells" around him ya know? He has said divorce a few times but says that he couldn't right now for financial reasons and wants to see if this feeling will pass. I'm just happy he's realized that this is probably a phase that we have to get through. My main concern is that knowing bipolar gets worse as you get older and if this has already happened at 24 what will it be like when we're in our 30's or 40's? He's already had a bankruptcy right before he met me! And now having to find a way to keep him happy and pay all of our bills I see why lol. I have a few friends around here and work friends, but all of my family is about 8 hours away... but I wouldn't want to scare them with details about "phases". What's the best way as a spouse to deal with the illness? I know it's not him but I'm a very passionate and sensitive person when it comes to family/friends and when I have something to say I'll probably say it (not always a good thing). Guess I just gotta learn to hold my tongue like at work lol. Good luck in nursing school mnm07! That was one of the hardest things I've ever done but probably the most rewarding and I couldn't imagine doing anything different then being an ER nurse Smile

If you need any advice about it I'm here!

wendyrs

replied on October 2nd, 2009

Supporter

Jesusfish,

When you said that he is only 24 and what will this be like to deal with when he is in his thirties or forties means that you realize that this is the way your going to live your life if you don't make some changes in your life. It seems that he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't even have a clue how much he is hurting you. This is not a marriage, it's like a mother/child relationship and you are too young and smart to be his mother. I know you love him but he doesn't know how to love you back. He's not even sure if he loves you and who knows what he is doing when he isn't answering the phone. It is a very common symptom for people suffering from Bipolar 1 or 2 to have multiple affairs and not take any responsibility for it. You need to really think about your future. If you want children in the future, is this the type of father you want to raise them with. You don't need to save him, you need to save yourself. Also, may I add that mental illness is hereditary and you would have a chance of your children suffering from this disease if you stay and have children with him. As a woman in her 40s who has experienced quite a bit in life, I would get out of the marriage. It may sound harsh and direct but you asked for advice and I'm giving it to you. It's not giving up on him, but if you stay you will be giving up on yourself. You deserve to be loved and you deserve a better father for your children some day.

laynie

replied on October 2nd, 2009

New User

With all due respect to what's already been said, getting your husband on medication, working with a psychiatrist, and getting him dedicated to his health is the one thing that could change the outcome of your marriage.

When your husband tells you he loves you, then says he doesn't, then wants sex, then wants to be out at bars all night, he's responding to what his brain is telling him in that very moment. That's how bipolar disorder works.

It took my husband over two years and three doctors to finally find a doctor and medication combination that gave him any semblance of stability. It takes patience. In the mean time, he said some really outrageous things to me and hurt me deeply. In the beginning, he went into a psychotic stage, threw me out of his life, and slept with a co-worker. He doesn't remember any of that, he only knows what people tell him. Believe me, I've been there, and I know how it feels.

I don't know exactly why I let my husband back into my life when he began to show signs of recovery (but long before he was actually stable). Probably because I love him immensely and I always held great hope that he would ultimately achieve the kind of stability that so many people with bipolar disorder do when they are properly treated with medication and counseling.

We do have a stable, loving marriage now. Albeit, his current medications have eliminated his sex drive. (Harder for me than it is for him; I miss the intimacy and I'd like to be able to have a baby in the near future.) He's working with his doctor to alter his meds so he can have a sex drive again.

It's a process, and it takes commitment. But what worries me from your story is that it takes a huge commitment from the patient, not just the patient's spouse! If your husband is not willing to commit to taking his meds, working with a psychiatrist, and giving his all to get better, there really is nothing you can do, and you may need to consider walking away before it consumes your life.

But on the other hand, bipolar disorder in and of itself is not a hopeless situation. Much like diabetes, bipolar is not cureable, but it is very treatable. It just takes a lot of energy and effort to get there.

Good luck!

Shanadfeldman

replied on October 7th, 2009

New User

Jesusfish,
I am currently in nursing school and have a bipolar boyfriend. He has asked me to drop out of school because if he has to work fulltime so do I. I of course did not drop out and WILL NOT! But I understand where you are at. I am currently dealing with him and a recent suicide attempt he had. During his mania right before the attempt he told me he was never attracted to me and that he was just stuck in a rut thats why he was with me to begin with. He later (after being stabilized in the hospital) told me it was his bipolar talking that night. What medication is your husband on?

katie33kate

replied on October 8th, 2009

New User

I've had the same experience as Shanadfeldman.....

My ex bi-polar boyfriend insisted that I had to stop working to be his 24/7 live in nursing care. He didn't offer any possible way I would pay my bills or build for a financially secure future...only...I had to be there ALL the time to care for him.

Selfish doesn't even begin to describe this level!!

I didn't do it... and the abuse that I was subjected to increased a great deal.

Without medication, there isn't any hope. I finally had to leave for my own sanity.

daisy52

replied on October 15th, 2009

New User

ummm... i dated a guy for 6 months with bipolar, he was awesome and treated me so good, we went out always had a great time, went out of town together, almost to perfect. then, out of nowhere, he breaks up with me. no warning signs, nothing! i was so heartbroken, i had thought that we were perfect together. i read about bipolar and learned a lot of stuff i hadnt know before. we didnt talk for about a week then we were on, off, back forth, up down... so frustrating. he loves me one minute, doesnt the next, calls me off the hook one day, doesnt talk to me for a week... etc, etc...

basically, it isnt worth your time. i am still hurt over it a little but not as bad as it was at first. its a lot my fault i guess because i keep letting him back in my life, its so hard not to because we have so much fun together and its always a great time but really, i dont know why i do it. i love him but shouldnt.

then i read 'he's just not that into you'. it is the best eye-opening book ever. not to mention HILARIOUS. read it, you will love it.

any guy who says the dont love you is not worth your love and devotion. he's not coming home at night?!?!?! do you really want to have a family with someone like that?? its only going to get worse. get out and dont let anyone make you feel bad about yourself.

the person you are with should make you feel great about yourself, not make you sad.

Courtie

replied on October 28th, 2009

Experienced User

I'm bipolar and I used to say the nastiest things to people. Then I wouldn't even remember saying it when they would come back at me to rub it in my face. It was awful until I found the right medicines. It sounds like he's really sick and could use your support and understanding. With treatment people can improve but if he's not open to getting help you may have to leave him.. then he might become suicidal and have to go in for treatment unless its too late.

gotquestions1524

replied on October 29th, 2009

Experienced User

My bipolar friend is the same way he has not told me he loves me in months. There was a time he would whisper it all the time in my ear before we went to sleep. He said that he does not know how he feels for me and he need time to sort things through. He has called my cell phone and went completely off on me then the next day not even know why I'm mad at him. He claims he doesnt remember it but, I do. I have feelings and wish that he could cater to them sometimes. I'm always walking on eggshells because I'm afraid i will set him off. Then there are days that he is sweet, loving, sensual. I wish he would get on his meds again I'm sure this would help us out a lot.

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