I just read your post and the parallels to my own life are uncanny.

I also have a husband who has bipolar disorder (rapid cycling) who is in denial. He is a psychiatrist (practicing now for more than 20 years) and he-of all people-should be able to identify the symptoms. My husband cycles about every 3-4 weeks so I am forever wondering who will come through the door (talk about Jekyl and Hyde). When he is himself he is wonderful. When he's manic he will go to a store or shop online and spend thousands of dollars on stuff that I usually end up selling on Craigslist. We recently went on vacation and he bought an airplane...an actual airplane!!! No, he's not a pilot...yet.

We also have two children, ages 3 and 7. I am also in the "biz" (I'm a psychotherapist) and I know the signs when I see them but I cannot for the life of me get this man to see that his irritability, which often leads to rage, is killing our relationship and damaging our children. Each time he cycles he suggests that we end our marriage. But I truly love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Can you imagine how it hurts to be threatened with that on a monthly basis?

I mean the man diagnoses and treats psychiatric disorders (and becomes frustrated with people who have no insight into their illnesses) every single day and he ABSOLUTELY refuses to even allow me to finish my sentence when I bring up the issue.

Right now is a bad time, which is why I found this site. I can't talk to my colleagues, who all know (and some work with) my husband. I have begun to journal his moods so that I can track them. Maybe I'll find some rhyme or reason...all I know is that I expect him to be in bed over the next week or so with little more than a glance in the direction of me or the kids.

I hope you read this...not that it helps you, but because it's nice to know that neither one of us is alone. Thanks for listening.

Hi, So nice to be able to talk with someone who is there. I usually don't share with friends when he says he is "moving on" because I get "well it has to be 50/50". They don't get there is no 50/50 in this situation. Maybe normal relationships but you cannot even converse normally with bipolar. He must cycle but it is very hard for me to see as he does hide very well. There are certain signs but slight though I KNOW it is there. Since his manic episode two years ago (he was going to build a small airport in our small town with many investors interested-we are paycheck to paycheck people) he has not had another one but I am always on the lookout and just expect there to be another one. I am always thinking ways of protecting us if another one occurs. Thankfully we don't have much money that is accessible. We had high limits on credit cards but not now. I am trying to save money so that if something happens I have backup. Luckily he works all the time and when he is around I keep on a shell. If I take that shell off, it is difficult. I just cannot communicate with him and according to him that is the two of us being a bad mixture. I think he would have trouble with anyone else. Since the phone incident, I have really shut myself off from him and it is very sad. We once had a nice relationship but only see remnants of that. I don't know how much longer this can go on. I especially am sad for my girls that they don't have a normal family life. Don't know if they would be better off with him completely out of the house or not. If that happened, I think he would just rent some dingy room somewhere and they would see him even less. Thankfully, we don't have the money like you to spend and at least I don't have to deal with that right now. Thankfully, he works all the time and is even gone all weekend. That keeps his escalation at bay I think because before when he was at home on the weekends he would usually cause so much turmoil that we couldn't do any family things. Don't know what I would do if he stopped working the weekends. I'd be miserable.
When they are saying marriage is over or I'm moving on, I wonder if they have any feelings of closeness with us. I think mine does and he doesn't understand it all himself. Maybe that is why we stick around.
Sorry I rambled. I am glad I found this forum. I have a sister to talk to and she has a lot of insight but nice to talk to someone in this situation. There is so much that needs to get out. I will write back. Karen

Hey Karen--
At least if your husband built an airport, mine would have a place to keep his airplane (LOL). I'm sorry, but if I don't keep my sense of humor about this then I will go insane. Does it ever feel to you like he's trying to MAKE you insane??? As I said, we are in a bad cycle. This means that I am sleeping in guest room and made calls this morning to farm out my kids to grandparents in an attempt to shelter them from this. I called him this morning at the hospital (he's on call four days straight right now which makes things even worse) to check on him and he was actually civil to me. I have found myself wondering the same thing that you wonder...do they still love us when they are like this??? In the past I have farmed out my kids and gone to a hotel for days at a time to avoid all of the negative interactions that occur because he picks at me constantly during this phase of the cycle and says to me every time that "maybe we shouldn't be together". What I have found, though, is that he ALWAYS calls me on my cell and leaves messages for me about how he's stupid and crazy to say those things and doesn't want to lose me. The thing is, how much more do we have to take?

This A.M. something interesting happened. He came in to wake me to say that he was leaving for work (the first time he's spoken to me in two days) and I called him on the diagnosis of bipolar again. I told him to begin taking a mood stabilizer to see if anything happens. I mean, if I'm wrong, what's he got to lose, right? So the last thing I hear him say as he leaves "my" room is "my meds are fine". Then when I called him at work to check in with him I said that I wanted to apologize. He says "for what?". I say because I brought up the fact that I think he has BP and you know what????? He says "why apologize when you might be right?". I cannot believe that he said that. Could it be that he actually is coming to terms with this? He will be 50 in February and I keep reminding him that this will not get better, only worse. Also, the demands on him, as our children get older, will only be more. He NEEDS to see this is him and not us....

I'll check back later. I hope that all is well in your household this weekend. Oh, and that protective shell that you talked about? I have one too.

Thanks for listening Karen. This is the best therapy I've had in a long time!
Mandi

Hi, When he was going through his manic phase and it was all new to me, he had been telling several people in town that I was bipolar. One day I came home and found flowers and "if you need anything" bouquet. Now I know he was talking to them too. He even had me go to his psychiatrist with him and now I know it was because he wanted the psychiatrist to see that I was bipolar. It was the first I heard that. The psychiatrist said "if anyone is bipolar, it is you". He did say once to me that he thought he had a mental problem. I wished I could jump on that but I am afraid to. After his manic episode he said he hadn't been feeling well but now he is feeling better now. I just think that no matter what I say he won't come to terms with on his own and until he hits bottom.I just don't think there is anything I can do. I think my silence is better than anything. It is shocking when they have a moment of enlightenment and quite a relief that maybe I'm not crazy. It must just be an inner turmoil that they have like they don't know why they act that way. Oh, yeah once he said he thought the hepatitis C treatment affected him. I think it was the start of everything.
He stopped sleeping in our room about 3 years ago. Said I kept waking him up when he snored. It bothered me then but now I'd rather. It just bothers me that my children see that.
I keep saying that if there is another episode I would end it. I would keep my children with me I think. We traveled around the last time to different family members but I am hoping we can just stay here if it happens again. It is easier for the kids. It was very, very hard for them to stay away from home. It wouldn't be much different for them as he is not here much anyway. I was really afraid to stay here the last time but I'm hoping I can do it next time. Hopefully, there won't be a next time. I got a restraining order the last time. I couldn't. I thought that would force him into treatment. He did until he got back in the house.
I find that my husband talks to me more civilly when he talks to me on the phone. Almost like a different person. I always wonder if it is because seeing my face makes him madder. Well, I guess that might explain his ability to have phone relationships.
I keep going over that if I had been more open to him after he was back home, after the first episode, if I had talked to him, he might be better. I had to put the shell on because he would be mean if we tried to do family things. I just told myself I had to stay one way and not be taken in. Yeah, I wonder that sometimes too. Are they trying to wear us down, make us insane. I was in an abusive relationship and towards the end I didn't know who I was. I am more aware now and don't think I would allow that to happen again. I hope anyway. I just try to live my own life. I really enjoy my girls. We home school so we are really busy. I think they are happy. I work very hard at making sure they are. We do most activities alone. It's sad but I have a better time.
That must be hard to always go through manic episodes all the time. His was one big bang and now just is distant among other things. I would like to say that I don't think I could handle that and get out then but I can't be sure of that.
Yeah, what is it with the airplanes! Is this common with bipolars? I was the worst person on this earth for not going along with that plan. He thought I lived in a box. He was going to marry his ex-fiance the last time. He doesn't remember that.
Where does it all end?
Hope you don't have to leave. Can't you make him leave or won't he go. It really is madness. Maybe there will be a day that I can't take anymore. I hope! Really helps talking with someone who is going through it.
Karen

Mandie, Hope all is going okay for you. I know how things get busy. Take care. Karen

My husband has been diagnosed as bi-polar by about four different doctors and/or therapists, but he does not want to take medicine and accept that he has a problem. He randomly talks about ending our marriage and going off by himself for a few years. We have a two-year old son who adores him. They seem to have a good relationship (so far), but our relationship is really suffering. He had a girlfriend about a year and a half ago, and I am really having a hard time letting go and moving on from that. The mood swings and never knowing what he wants or is thinking makes it even more difficult. We are in counseling now, but I just don't know if I see things improving to a point where I can truely be happy.

Wow, those two stories sound almost identical like mine.
My husband is being treated for depression, but I'm trying to get him to take it further, as I suspect BD.
He does exactly the same; comes up with plans to create a business or wants to invest huge sums of money in crazy projects. Other times he will continuously talk about us splitting up, about how he is going to leave and do exactly what he wants to do...

After reading up on the disorder, I feel he has been rapid cycling for a few months now and I'm finding it extremely hard to cope. I don't have any family here and my husband seems to have pushed away the few friends we had. I am also worried about the effect this is having on our son. He seems to have a great relationship with him, but he will just as easily profess to loving him wholeheartedly as wanting to never see either of us again.

It's good to see I am not the only on struggling with this. I wish you all the best.

Hi all bipolar wives,
I just posted a new topic called Need to talk. This is all so mind boggling. I am not sleeping well as now he talks to an old girlfriend from his teen years and he is now 50! He says it is because I don't communicate, which I don't much because it is just easier. I just take care of everything because it is just easier. No matter what I say, he disagrees then he says I disrespect him because I don't include him. I guess abuse, being unfaithful (though he does not see talking on the phone as unfaithful-hours at a time!). is disrespectful. I can hardly stand it anymore! He has all the bipolar symptoms, though has only had one manic episode. I am this, I am that-when all I have done is make everything nice for our two daughters with no help from him. I am just getting worn down. Wish it would all go away. I am so sad thinking about how it used to be, though even then there were some difficulties but we were pretty close at one time, always together. We even worked together and didn't want it any other way. Don't think we will ever get back there. We have been married 20 years. Sad!

The other side....

I've read the preceding comments and I wanted to present possibly a different view.

I'm a very frustrated husband. I've been married for 41 years. My wife and I separated two months ago...for the second time in the past three years. She believes that I am bipolar although I have never been diagnosed as such. I do have mood swings, but not cyclical. I have to ask, "What separates severe frustration from bipolar disorder?" Are your husbands "simply" suffering from "extreme" frustration with elements of their lives...their marriage to you? Their job? Their success or lack thereof? Their income? Their role as the "bread winner?" Etc.?

Personally, I am frustrated with my marriage. (After 41 years, you would expect a common and sustained level of love, appreciation, and respect...but we don't have that...and that frustrates the hell out of me.) We're getting older every day; our lives are rapidly eroding with age, and instead of “investing” in our marriage and our family, and growing old together in each other's company, my wife wishes to spend time debating whose fault something was four years ago!

Hello, husbands, sound familiar??!

Look...we all have mood swings. Given the economy and other life pressures, it's a wonder any of us remain sane! Further, our view of the world changes as we mature. And we all make mistakes along the way. We're not perfect. But if long-time married couples lose focus on the future....of a "common" goal, or fail to "invest" in their marriage, then every little issue becomes magnified over time. You grow apart. You have different priorities. You withdraw. Communications wane. This creates an open door for depression, for infidelity, and for disppearing love and respect.

Yes, you can point fingers and call it a bipolar disorder...but what if you're clinically wrong? Are YOU simply seeking an EXCUSE for your own marital short-comings?

Although I am NOT a doctor, I would submit that many "BD" situations are not really BD, but simply imbedded frustration that has metastasized.

Consider this input for what it's worth....

We all have from time to time mood swings however, feeling down about something and then for no rhyme or reason your up beat. Then having bouts of being angry at the world for no reason. These are the things we are talking about. I don't feel that any of the post that I have read so far are saying that the husband is to blame for all the problems in the marriage. The women have simply stated whats been going on in there marriage. My boy friend is bipolar and I knew this going in he wanted me to know from the beginning. I have had a crush on him for years so this didn't bother me the least when he told me. Now that we are together and he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with I to find myself not knowing who is going to be walking through the door. It does not take much to set him off when he is in one of his moods. He will get real quiet and shut me out. This can go on for days. I've tried catering to his every need when he gets like this because I hope that would bring him back to his senses. He usually breaks up with me when he gets like this but, he always come home the same night. Actually after he leaves the house he usually calls as if nothing has happened. I wish he would get back on his meds our life together would be so much better. Until then I will stand by his side. It just hurt so much to see the person you love so much go through so many different changes.

hi frustrated,
Yeah, how to we get back there. I miss him. I guess that is why we all continue to try. Because we all try to get back there. It is not frustration that I am talking about though. If it were just that then I could deal with it. Two years ago he had a full blow manic episode that was very frightening. Prior to that there were times of abuse in front of my children. This never happened before and we have been married now for 20 years. Yes, there have been many frustrations on his part, many health issues, fired from jobs and I have stood by him in all situations. He had a knee replacement once. When I went to bring him home from the hospital I had a little bit of the flu. Not throwing up flu but worn down, just a little bit off, one day flu. I rarely get sick. Later I find out he is using that against me and saying that I was losing it and couldn't handle anything. Trying to make me out to have a mental disorder. He spread this and a lot of other things around town, to our neighbors, to my children's parents. Just to make me look bad. He worked over a year to try to convince everyone in my life that I was mental and some people believed it. I am a very strong person. I have a mother that showed me how to be strong in difficult life situations with her dealing with a very frustrated husband, my father, who was in a wheelchair. She kept the home with four children as happy as she could and never complaining. That is what I have been trying to do. One thing my father never did was degrade her or talk to other women. Something my husband has done off and on for about four years. when he was manic, it was frightening for me and my children. Highly agitated, trying to mortgage our house for spending sprees, calling the police on me if I went on a day trip with our daughters telling them to pick me up for a mental check. Before, when I heard someone calling someone bipolar, i really did not understand how devastating this was. It is very hard to explain to anyone what it is like to live with. No one knows unless they have lived it. I am sad all the time. I am sad that my children don't have a happy family most of all. If it were just me, I wouldn't really care. He spends many, many, many hours talking to this other women when he should be thinking of his children. Not once has he taken them to pick out a pumpkin, hardly involves himself in Xmas, etc., etc. My daughter knows he talks to another woman and told her friend the other day that her father has a girlfriend. The damage is not just to me, I don't care as much about that but to my children. This is not frustration, this is downright self-centeredness.
I don't know if you have BP or not. I know my husband does not think he does even when a doctor told him he does. I was there when he did. I just read Brilliant Madness. Remember Patty Duke Aniston. She had it pretty bad and now is on medication. She finally found out why she was the way she was and was relieved and found what she had was completely manageable, unlike may other mental illnesses. If only there was not the denial then so many families would not be destroyed. Yeah, I have my problems to deal with in a relationship, yeah I have my own denials but the difference is, it is the normal everyday stuff everyone deals with and works on daily. Husbands and wives work on them together. If you have bipolar, there is no working on it together. The connection to reality is not there and, unless treated, you cannot begin to start working on it together. If your wife thinks you have bipolar then educate yourself about the symptoms and see if any fit. If you are simply frustrated and moody, then maybe you could seek counseling on your own to deal with those.
Well thanks for listening. Sure helps to talk with those on the other side too as we spouses are always looking for answers. Me, I am just wondering how I can make a happy life for my children. We should not have to live this kind of life and will move on if I have to.
Take care.

Something you said earlier...my husband is always nice to me on the phone, too. It often fools me...I will think things are going to be going well when I get home. Then, I walk through the door and he is not speaking. That's so strange. I have never heard anyone else say that. Is there something to the face-to-face??

I also agree that no one knows what this disease is like unless you have it or live with it. I have a completely different persepctive when I hear people talk about bipolar disorder now (since my husband's diagnosis 4 years ago). In fact, I work at a school, and I have a completely different view for students who are children of bipolar parents.

I also agree that the denial is what destroys families. I just wish I could make him "see."

My friend is the same way. We have been friends since we were 5 years old. We have been seeing each other for 8 months now. He hasn't told me he loved me in months. But, he has moved in with me. I came home one day and he was here moved in. I had been asking for him to so it was a good surprise to find him here. But, now since he has moved in he keeps telling me that he is not sure how he feels about me. But, I feel like we are getting even closer. He has never liked being touched so I try to remember that all the time. He told me the other day that I could lay on his lap when we were watching a movie that caught me off guard because he usually don't like that sort of thing. He has his ups and downs and I try to look for warning signs that he is about to have an episode but, its not always predictable. Although he has never raised his voice or have been physically violent with me he has with past girl friends so I'm a little worried about that. He usually just leave when he gets in his moods or go into another room. We discussed him getting back on his medicine last night and at first I thought the conversation was going good but, he got defensive all of a sudden. I'm not trying to hurt his feelings I just want him to understand he can get relief from his diseases if he just except that he has an illness.

Something you said earlier...my husband is always nice to me on the phone, too. It often fools me...I will think things are going to be going well when I get home. Then, I walk through the door and he is not speaking. That's so strange. I have never heard anyone else say that. Is there something to the face-to-face??

In reply to this...my husband does the same thing, but opposite. Nice to my face, horribly mean in emails. I can't believe anything he says.

My husband, who his friends, and I think he has bi-polar; but he just thinks he is depressed. I have tracked his cycles---it's every 4-5 weeks for years! He's cheated; I filed for divorce but then we got back together because he was convinced he had changed. Still thinks it's okay to get girls numbers, email. The list goes on and on...but also like you ladies he also wants to end the marriage when he goes through his cycles--happen to have one going on right now! So fun. I'm at the point that I am about ready to file for divorce. We have a 2 year little girl, and I really don't want her around this stuff--or less than she is now. I just haven't made up my mind yet. I'm right at the edge...just need a little push.

I have ended my thing with my bipolar friend I cannot take it anymore. This really hurts since we have been friends since we were in grade school. Maybe I shouldn't have got sexual involved with him I don't know. Well he got arrested the other day for hitting is ex. Well when he went to jail everything hit the fan. She told me everything that had been going on between the two of them and have evidence to back it all up. He had her in my car and house while I was at work supporting us. He didn't even work. He had been on dating sites to meet other couples. He and his ex were on a site for swingers. They were going to hookup with other couples to swap. ewe. I knew he was into some weird things but, this really hurt. I knew he was going through one of his episodes because there was times he would be very happy and the next minute be really pissed off. He has to deal with his issues before he can be in a real relationship. She is happy to have him back good luck to them. But, know one can really have him until he gets his act together. He told me the other day that he is not ready to be with just one girl. He also told her this to. So to keep him she is willing to have group sex to please him. well not me I deserve better than that.