hello literarypractice,

Wow, your friend sounds exactly like me..

Coming from a person with bipolar disorder, do NOT take her vanishing personally. I have cut off communication with so many of my friends over the years.

A lot of people with bipolar, including myself, can go "within themselves" for an extended period of time. This usually happens when he/she is in the depressive stage.

In my experience, when I am "within myself," I have very low social reciprocity and I feel that it really wouldn't matter whether I talk to my friends or not. I feel that I am not worth anything and that my friends wouldn't care if I just disappeared.

I have gone through these stages numerous times, and when I finally come out of it and want to be social, it is too late and too awkward to start communicating with the person again. It makes me really sad to think that I have lost so many friends because of this.

My suggestion is to write her again, letting her know how important she is to you. If she doesn't respond, do not get angry. It might be that she needs some time to come out of herself. And don't be angry if it takes her a while, because it usually does. It's not you, it's her.

Sorry I wrote you a novel. I just didn't want to see another person go through the same thing I did. :/

Literarypractice, a good friend of mine who might have bipolar or borderline personality disorder stopped talking to me a year and a half ago. Things got bad in his life, and he stopped going to the gym, and wouldn't answer my calls or emails. His roommates said he moved, but wouldn't tell me where. By the end of summer he deleted his online profile, cancelled his phone and quit school. I didn't know what was going on or where to find him.

Months later I saw him driving, and he stopped. He accused me of things I didn't do. He had a hard time seeing my side, but could see that not talking caused a problem and said he needed time to think. He said he wasn't depressed, but he seemed like it to me. Everything he said was negative, and he used to be mostly happy and funny around me.

Earlier, I had sent him some letters and packages for holidays and his birthday to his mom's house. I thought that might cheer him up, but he was angry about that. This November, I stopped by his mom's house when he was there, but he wouldn't come to the door and she sent me away.

I still feel really bad about this. He was a good guy, and I miss him a lot. Sometimes I think he won't ever talk to me again. I get depressed, and this has made that worse, so I've been seeing a counselor lately.

solemn_versifier, I'm glad you say not to take it personally. It's hard not to because I know that he goes to work and to the bars with others, and everything I do seems to make him angry. But when I think about him quitting school and all that, I know it's about more than me.

I've called to leave a message every few weeks, even though I know he won't answer, but I might wait a few months to call again. I don't want him to ever think it's too late, or awkward if he feels like being social again, but this is really hard and hurts a lot.

Thanks to the both of you!

You know, solemn_versifier, I hope you are right!
I did write her a message expressing confusion. No responce. I did tell her that she's a valuable friend to me not long ago. I won't take her silence personally.

I have to respect that she's not writing. Maybe she doesn't want to carry on the friendship, and doesn't want to say it. Btw, I liked your long answer!

I think she will miss me, even if she's moved on.

Jaden08. Thank you for your comments. Sometimes, it can be seductive to think we can get back in someone's good graces through effort. Yet, trying so hard is only investing more of yourself. Sometimes all we can do is leave something be.

I recently read that there are four things that get disrupted when someone shuns us: belonging, self esteem, control, and meaningful existence.

When there is no interaction with our friend, we don't feel a sense of belonging, which we need as social beings. Our self esteem drops because we are left wondering what happened or if it's our fault. We lose our sense of control because nothing we say or do gets a reaction from the other. It's like we don't exist.

Reading about that helps me understand my actions and feelings, and gives me a way to put it into words. I guess my efforts were just me trying to get control over the situation. It never hurts to be nice, and I'm sure I will still call occasionally, but you are right that sometimes all we can do is leave something be. Hopefully someday our friends will realize that we do care and will contact us again.

I was exclusively dating a young lady for 3 months, who I clicked with very well right off the bat, and we were mutually falling in love with one another admittedly, when one day out of the blue after our relationship having had no arguments, no drama, no lies, no cheating, no problems, she tells me: "i went to the doctor this morning... I need to be treated for bipolar disorder, I can't do this anymore....You can't help me...We can't even be friends". And as of right then, she was sure she would not see me anymore, and didnt think we could even be friends anymore. This shocked me, depressed me greatly, and left me to wonder if she was telling the truth (maybe just seeing someone else) or not. Since that week she declined to take my calls, and I have not been able to speak to her or see her since - that was in late 2006. Just a day before all this happened, she was excited to see me and everything was normal and wonderful between us, and she had told me that previous week that she "was falling in love with me". It was a brief yet serious 3 months, and I had fallen for her as well - this was an absolute shock, probably the worst dating ordeal I have ever dealt with, because she will wouldnt speak with me, and my attempts to e-mail and call her upset her, she then threatened to file a restraining order against me, and said she wanted nothing to do with me ever again. Do understand, a few days prior to our break up, she was "falling in love with me", and "wanting to be with me in the future", and "looking forward to the day she could fall asleep and wake up in my arms everyday", to quote her word for word. After her sudden doctors visit, everything changed, almost like she was told to drop me and never think of me again, not even and as friend, or in any regard. This has disturbed me greatly, depressed me greatly, and made me wonder if this is a symptom or a sign of something someone with bipolar disorder would do - dumping someone they recently told they love, without any apparent reason or decent explanation..... This insight you guys have shed has made sense, and helps me to cope with this tremendous loss of my beloved Friend. This has caused great distress in my life, because truly do I love this person unconditionally, and wish there had been some way for me to help them, but they refused to discuss anything with me, and had completely shut me out of thier life 100%. When she told me she was diagnosed with bipolar, I told her I would be there for her though thick and thin, and I wasnt going anywhere. I meant that. She was so sure that I could'nt help her, she just said "you can't help me, I have to get better on my own". I didnt think that meant never seeing or speaking with her ever again. Losing her in that blunt, brisk, harsh fashion attacked my inner being in every way imaginable, depressed me greatly, even leading me often have thoughts of suicide. I love/loved her that much, I wrestled with trying to figure out "why" for months, even years... It has been over two years since that final sweet day we embraced and said goodbye, and I can still see and feel her precious smile when I close my eyes. I just Pray my sweet Lindsey is ok, and the Lord has taken good care of her.

I have BP and I have up and vanished from peoples lives. i know that I do it, most of the time with out really realizing it at the time. Sometimes I wake up and just cant be around or talk to that person anymore, its kind of hard to explain. It isnt anything they said or did, it's just me. Don't take it personal.

I'm not surprised things ended like they did. She was an untrustworthy friend. She had behaviors that were consistent with compulsive lying, or at least, very low self-esteem. If you don't have any honesty in a friendship, it's very fragile. At the time, I over valued her. I was pretty isolated. She had a big personality, at least, with me. I liked that, and I overlooked her bad qualities. I'm glad it's over with. I don't have anyone tugging on me anymore. It wasn't satisfying.

Hi Literary. I am moving on from a friendship, starting today. My once friend did the unthinkable, she called my hospital room two days after my newborn son passed away and out of the clear blue let me have it verbally.

Back then I did not realize she had a disorder, but I understood her point of view when I ran into her almost ywo years later. Although I gave her another chance she beagn displaying some of the earlier traits. Now she has disappeared and guess what I refuse to run out an dlook for her I have my own life to lead.

Kudos to your entries.

LuvLife

Thanks for sharing your story.

this happened with me
I had a best friend for many many years all through school, after school we both moved to the US for different reasons. We spoke a lot over the phone and promised to maintain our close friendship. Anyway I was in Colorado with my partner and she offered for us to come visit her in Cali, so I drove all the way down to California to see her (a 4 day drive) When we got there she showed us round her house, and then about 10 minuets later asked us to leave. I couldn't see a reason and didn't understand, but like she asked, we left. The next day I didn't hear back from her, and it was only when I returned to Colorado I discovered that she'd removed me from all of her friends lists, msn, facebook you name it. She'd just wiped me from her life. I didn't understand what I'd done wrong, or what i'd said, everything had seemed so normal. I didn't hear from her for a year until she put her facbeook back up and I contacted her again.I noticed she was speaking normally to my other friends and making plans with them, so I tried to make things better, but she wasn't the same person, she was distant and had clearly decided she couldn't be my friend anymore for whatever reason, I respected that, because i'd read about bipolar disorder, it wasn't her, it was the illness. She was just closed in. And our conversations came from the akwardness of a time gap, she in her mind couldn't and wouldn't make it better, because to her it had passed. As she said "I've moved on"
In the end I'll always be her friend, and always try to be there, even if she doesn't want me to, and if she ever does decide to find me again, I'll happily be waiting.
What I have learn't is that people with bi-polar can treat you pretty harshly, but it isn't personal, to them it makes sense, and is the right action and best thing for them. All we can do is try to be there for when they are ready to try again.