Hi! I'm new to the forum. Just spent time reading posts.

My family staged an intervention recently, to show me examples of why they think I need professional help. I've been living my life and thinking I'm doing just fine, then out of the blue they tell me their concerns.

Now I'm frustrated and angry with them. I feel like they've made me doubt my sanity and I feel betrayed that they have been discussing me in this way -- like I can't take care of myself or my teenager, I'm in such bad shape emotionally, physically, financially, etc.

A little background -- I was diagnosed with bipolar approx. 18 years ago. At that time, I had a lot of stuff going on in my life (including an emotionally abusive, cheating spouse). I started seeing a therapist who referred me to a psychiatrist, and the next thing I know I'm diagnosed as bipolar and taking lithium and prozac.

The therapist helped me look back at different situations and times in my life (at the time I was in my early 20s) and I saw periods of mania and periods of depression.

I've always been prone to depression. It runs in the family. Growing up, I just thought it was normal. I was a loner as a kid, found it difficult to form lasting friendships. As for mania, I'm a "creative" type of person and while at first I thought "mania" didn't apply to me, I realized some of my best creations came about while I was manic. In fact, I was unable to function or create during the times of depression.

I was on the meds for 2.5 or 3 years back then. Quit the meds when I was pregnant. Moved to another town after that, and ever since then I've been in and out of jobs which also meant being with or without health insurance over the last few years.

Tried working with another psych after the move but I got frustrated with the therapist NEVER remembering a thing about me when it was time for our appointment. I'd spend most of the hour backtracking. My old therapist in the other town was fabulous and I felt like she really cared.

OK, fast forward several years. Lots of changes in my life and I as I changed jobs and got different health insurance, I didn't mention the previous diagnosis to anyone. Been off meds for all these years. Thought I was doing OK. Figured I must've been misdiagnosed.

Meanwhile, I've had several divorces, many jobs, been fired from 2 jobs within the last 10 years (and fired from 4 jobs in the last 20 years), dropped out of college several times, finally finished college, dropped out of grad school, long history of not finishing things.

What's weird is the other day I was feeling pretty content. I actually told myself I needed to stop and live in the moment, realizing I'm doing OK in life. But then a few days later the intervention took place. All I could do was cry, then a few days later I was furious with my family, and now I'm wondering if they're right.

But I don't have health insurance because I'm unemployed. Got fired, partially because of my bipolar tendencies, although the employer just thought I was lazy and kooky.

I've ignored my bills to the point where I've been sued several times and bankruptcy might be an option. Family said they think I should put my very limited income in an account for someone to handle for me.

I've ignored my health. I'm hiding from friends. I don't answer my phone or open mail. I go for several days without grooming. I'm definitely depressed and have been for several months.

There has been some mania and grandiose thinking tossed in, too. I get tons of ideas and never get anything accomplished.

Now I'm struggling with what I should do next.

Do I really need help? If so, I can't afford it.

Was my previous diagnosis correct? If so, I really hate to be labeled again -- it led to family acting like "I told you so" and every time I made a decision certain family members didn't agree with, they'd blame it on my mental illness and tell me all of my decisions are wrong. And it's very frustrating to feel like your opinions are totally valid only to have someone tell you IN FRONT OF STRANGERS that you're obviously off your meds again or you wouldn't be saying such things.

Sometimes it seems worth fighting for my life to be my own. But other times it feels like it would be easier to give in and let everyone else take care of me.

I've done a lot of research online over the past few days about bipolar. Back when I was diagnosed, I didn't even know the Internet existed, but now I find tons of information about it. I've read a few blogs by people who are bipolar and bookmarked some because their lists of how they feel while manic and how they feel when depressed really hit home.

Sorry for babbling. Guess I just need to vent. Thanks.