Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

Bipolar Boyfriend Has Completely Pushed Me Away.Is It My Fault? (Page 1)

I've known my boyfriend for 2yrs, but we only really got together the beginning of this year...we are also long distance.I've known from the start he was bipolar. Even before we started dating, he would confide me, come to me when he was depressed, tell me about his day, or just vent to me when something went wrong. He would have his highs and lows, but always got through it.

It has been fairly good for the most part..up until 3 weeks ago. Prior, he had seemed happy, we were talking all the time. He'd call me every day and we'd talk all day. He told me that he really means it when he says he loves me, and we were making plans to visit each other...checking plane fares etc. Then the next day everything seemed to change, he got a bit distant. He still messaged me and we talked, but it was a somewhat "detached" conversation. I let him be the next day, didn't message him because I thought perhaps he may need a bit of space.

As the weeks went on, we still talked but the conversations were getting shorter. He called me less, and he started ignoring me when I tried talking to him..about anything. Sometimes I'd be greeted with silence, or I'd get a reply hours later. This went on for awhile, then just this past week he had started calling more. We didn't really talk about anything significant, but I was hopeful that he was doing better and things would be back as they used to be.

I told him a few times that I was worried about him, that I loved him and I'm always here for him. He pretty much shrugged that off and said "Ok. So anyway what's up?". When he has called me, he sounds fine, there doesn't "appear" to be any signs that he's depressed. But he has completely shut me out now. He won't talk to me about what he's been up to, or how his day was... he won't open up about anything. He used to tell me everything, no matter what it was about. I don't get nay messages from him, whereas he used to call/message first all the time. Or I would start talking to him and he'd call right away, or tell me about what's going on with him.

All communication has stopped now. I don't understand what's happening. He went from telling me how much he love me and how important I am to him, to wanting nothing to do with me. I feel like it's my fault for not trying to talk to him more. I'm afraid to talk to him, he's always been hard to talk to. I don't know if he just wants space, so I try not to bother him, but then I try to talk to him and either I get no reply, or all I get is some smiley "o/".

He is quite jaded towards society and the idea of relationships as a whole. He thinks that if people are nice to him , they just want something from him. He's never believed in the concept of "love", probably because his last relationship was such a s***storm (although he and his ex are now friends,which in itself bothers me ><). Yet, he has stayed with me. He has always told me how much I've done for him, and he loves me because I've always been there for him no matter what.

Our relationship hasn't all been roses though. As I said he had his highs and lows, He's always critical of me, he gets angry for no reason it seems sometimes. If I'm feeling down or whatnot and I try to talk to him, he'll call me emo or some such thing, even though he has told me that I can come to him..but apparently I can't.

I do him love very much, and I don't want to lose him. I feel I have already lost him and I'm to blame for him completely pushing me out of his life now. During these past 3 weeks, I have been so confused. I don't know if he wants me to just leave him alone so I don't always try to contact him, but then I think that maybe he thinks I don't care anymore because of that, so he's just going to let our relationship die.

I don't know what to do to fix this. I don't know if he's just in a depressed phase or if this his cruel way of breaking up with me. Every day I want to tell him how much I love him, and that I'm not going anywhere etc., but it seems he doesn't even care anymore whether I stay or not. He's completely shut me out, I seem to irritate him more than anything. I feel like I'm the enemy now. I don't understand what I did to cause things to go from him saying how much he really loves me, to being someone that he really doesn't feel the need to talk to and easily ignored.

I need to know what to do, what to say to him...how to fix this.. The silence is deafening and I'm crying all the time. I feel it's my fault it's gotten this bad and I've failed him. I've always been there for him..and I STILL am, but maybe he thinks I'm not anymore. I try to be but I just get a door slammed in my face.

I don't want to lose him, I know somewhere inside he still cares for me....somewhere. I need help Sad
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First Helper User Profile KungFuManda
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replied February 5th, 2013
No its not your fault... Things like this happen to several people.. I have been raped before and thought it was my fault, but it wasnt... People like your boyfriend need professional help.
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replied February 5th, 2013
He is. He does see a doctor and is on medication. I don't know if he's in the midst of an episode, or if he's telling me he no longer wishes to be with me. He has pulled away before but never to this extreme.
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replied February 5th, 2013
My husband of 5 years will not go to the doctor and has left every September...first year one week and every year the time gone has doubled...we are on week 18 now...and I recently filed which infuriated him. He does the same thing, leaves right after telling me I'm the love of his life, won't call (text or respond) most of the time, everything is at his time, heartless words to hurt me, drinking a lot, affair, left our nice home for a camper, still doesn't tell me he loves me but does say he doesn't hate me, and yesterday told me to find someone else...he's not here for me like this anymore. It's so hard to know when they're serious or if it's games. We have 2 girls that also suffer for him. He has shut us all out. Last year he came back after 7 weeks telling me I was the love of his life and he'd never leave me again, would get help, and stick to it...never did any of it! So, here we are again. He called me this morning before work talking about his lawyer, money, his girl friend, and anything else to put me down. I told him I would not let him ruin my day and hung up on him. He wants control and thrives on hurting me. I'm fed up! I deserve to be loved. I still love him but choose to be single and a good mother to our kids than to put myself back in that hell. Such a roller coaster!
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replied May 10th, 2013
Experienced User
Good for you! Well done!
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replied February 5th, 2013
He still talks to me..I'll get random messages about whatever, which is fine at least he's talking to me. But it's not the same. I feel as though I'm just some random person whom he talks to because no one else is around.
He's not eager to talk to me all the time anymore. There are no more "i love you's", haven't been in weeks. I don't want to leave him, i just don't know what he's feeling about...anything. He "seems" fine and he tells me there's nothing wrong, yet I've become this non-factor in his life whom he doesn't consider of any importance anymore. At least that's how it feels.
I don't know how to get him to feel comfortable opening up to me again...if there is something wrong. But if he really does not feel any love for me anymore and doesn't want to continue the relationship, I need to know, but I don't think I'll ever get a straight answer. If he doesn't want to continue this, why is he still keeping me on a thread?
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replied February 5th, 2013
This is what they do. It like having the best of both worlds for them. My husband never says he doesn't love but will say harsh things and make hints of leaving so I'll beg him to stay. He says the same phrases over and over for the past five years. This is what makes it so hard because he always ends up coming back around. My only advice would be to distant yourself, give him space, shoot him text telling him you still care every so often without seeing needy, and move on. The stronger they see you are the more they'll want you. Sad that's it's a game but it is. Good luck and stay strong!
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Users who thank confusedalright for this post: al1964  al1964 

replied August 3rd, 2013
wow! happened to me like that.
Except this time Ive been real weak-bad in fact-furious..
I think I said ALL the things I ever wanted to say and screw the eggshells!!
Now its time to get strong..except this time I have to decide if I will pick up the phone in 3 months & start another 1 1/2 of hell.
Honestly Im hoping Ill meet someone 'normal' asap who can pull me through!
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replied February 5th, 2013
Thanks for your replies.

It's seeming more and more that his feelings are gone. It's like a total change of heart. I'm like his buddy now, the way he speaks to me is..well it's hard to describe. I don't sense any kind of sadness or depression whatsoever, so saying things like I still care or I'm always here for him would fall on deaf ears.

I talk to him and go along with the small chat, but what I really want to talk about is what's been going on.I know if I even try to talk about what I'm feeling or what has happened in the past 3 weeks, he'll get defensive, or angry; or tell me I'm being emo or ask me what's with all the drama.

He's made feel like I'm nothing to him, and never was. This is like a knife through my heart. How could a person be so loving and caring then wake up and be so cold and distant like you never even mattered to them?

I think it's over in his mind..and just like that -overnight. If I can't even talk to him about it and find out what he's feeling or if that's what he really wants now, then what do I do?
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replied September 18th, 2013
I'm so sorry you are going through this Moontears. It almost sounds like we were dating the same guy! My boyfriend was the sweetest, most kind and caring, loving man I have ever known. He treated me like I was a princess. I have never felt more loved than when I was with him. We met online and got to know each other through emails and phone calls.

We met in person about 3 months later. He only lives 30 miles from me so we were able to see each other often. We always had a wonderful time together and did not want our dates to end. We would hold each other for as long as we could and tell each other we love each other over and over. Finally one of us had to let go and go home. Even though it was hard to be apart, we knew we would be together again soon.

We were so comfortable in person right from the first date. There were no uncomfortable silences when we were eating our lunch and talking. Our conversation flowed effortlessly. It was like we had know each other for many years.

After seeing each other many more times, we start talking about getting married and making plans for our wedding the next year. We didn't want to rush right into marriage as we had both been through bad marriages in the past. What we had was worth waiting for.

Even though we lived close to each other, we always talked on instant messenger every night before going to sleep. We would listen to "our song" which is a beautiful song ("When God Made You") in messenger before we said I Love You and good night. Sometimes he would call me after we said good night on messenger. He said he wanted to hear my voice. He always made me feel so special.

Then one day he turned into someone I did not even know. It was like someone had taken over his body. This was not the man I had fallen in love with talking so mean to me. No way could it be him. He had not ever said anything mean to me before that day. But he went very cold and acted like he had no emotions at all. I didn't understand it at all as we got along great and were so much in love.

I started doing some research about the way he was acting and decided he could be bipolar since his mood and actions changed so drastically overnight. Sad As gently as I could I told him I wanted to help him and I also said I thought I knew what might be going on with him. I offered to take him to the Doctor and even help pay the co-pay if he needed help. I felt if he was diagnosed bipolar, he probably needed meds to keep it controlled.

He would not let me help him at all and that hurt me so much. I loved him more than anything and wanted to help him feel better and get back to being his regular self. He refused any help from me. I tried hanging on and kept telling him how much I loved him and explained I was not putting him down by offering to help him. I wanted him to feel better.

He never did get back to the way he was as far as I know. After almost a year of trying to help him and not getting anywhere, I decided it was time to let him go. I still love him and will always have a place in my heart for him. He was a chapter of my life. I couldn't go on hoping he would eventually get help and things would work out for us. I really don't think he knew he was bipolar. But all his symptoms sure pointed to him having that ailment.

I haven't talked to him or seen in for almost 2 years and life has gone on. I cried billions of tears as my heart was totally broken when he turned on me after changing so drastically. I hope and pray he has gotten help by now and is on a medication that will help his mood swings. I wish him the very best...

I wish you the best. I hope things work out for you but you may eventually have to let go. I know it's not easy but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do to save our own sanity. Good Luck. (((Hugs)))
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replied February 7th, 2013
Moontears,

Don't make assumptions about how he is feeling, but do own that it isn't working for you is the best advice I could give.

I have been in love with a bipolar man for over a year and a half. We were together the year before last, it was beautiful, we connected like we never had in our lives. I was a successful professional, he couldn't hold down a job but I didn't care, he seemed like the most beautiful hearted, intelligent, classy man I had ever met (typical mania when they have the inflated sense of self, they come across as so intelligent and classy). I loved his awkwardness, that the first time he went to kiss me, which took a while, he was shaking, it was everything I wanted, a sweet man who had been celibate for years as he was picky, had my values etc.

Then there was a misunderstanding and he seemed to lead it down a blow up........he twisted everything for me to believe he was breaking up, then made it all my fault that I thought he was. It was an explosion like I had never imagined could be done, my previous partners would laugh if I thought they were breaking up, give me a hug and have a giggle that I was silly and this man made it like I had just committed the worst crime. He said he would never talk to me again, wished me well in the most condescending way including quotes from guru's and poems about me being able to look at myself in the mirror.

So January last year, he came back to wish me happy birthday, asked to meet me for coffee and told me I had to earn his trust again. So friends only for now, but exclusive, but friendship had to be built first. I was okay with that, but he wouldn't even give me a friend hug when he saw me, totally witheld everything. He couldn't wait to see me again every time we spent time together, but then it would get through the week and he would tell me his ex wife had a bad week and he had to go help out with the kids. This happened most weeks and for seven months he blocked, caused drama, then eventually I went away on business overseas and I had this feeling, checked the date site we met from and he was on there. He said it wasn't him, it was his cousing using his account to see if he liked it, but it was a free date site, took 5 mins to set up an account and two weeks later it aws still being logged onto every night, at his usual times. I knew it was him, so I said I really wasn't comfortable, so he created a new profile thinking I wasn't aware he would do that, coincidentally his cousin had all of his attributes, height, build, postcode and children status, the text sounded like his smart humour, same star sign............so I simply sent a text quoting the profile name and he reacted like crazy and threw me out of his life again. He had met this very unattractive, older, trashy woman from that date site, a friend had told me who knows her, after he broke up from me the year before......she actually made me want to vomit and I sure know I didn't want any guy of mine dating someone like her......I didn't ask at this point

I heard from him NYE again, this time he told me he had been diagnosed with bipolar, was going through diagnosis, he had moved out to where his ex wife lived and joined her church (he is spiritual, definitely not religious). That he missed me but wasn't sure he could ever have a relationship, We talked about hyper sexualisation and he said he doesn't ever have eyes for other women when in relationships and never acts on it, he has those feelings, but never acts and he has been dealing with this since his teens. He says he is against sleaze and as a parent he wants to be the best person he can.

He said he was open to see what happened down the track, but right now, was it okay if we were just friends, that he isn't saying no to a relationship, just he cannot right now. I agreed, it seemed reasonable....................then he started twisting it. After another two phone calls he asked me to loan him $5k, I told him it was inappropriate where we are right now him being missing from my life for months, only just getting back in touch as I wasn't even in his life, hadn't hung out, hand't seen his kiddies, his ex wife, you know feeling part of his life. He said he understood and then I didn't get anymore phonecalls..........he text messaged every night or two, but seemed to be looking for the argument again, the push. Started telling me how we weren't exclusive........I told him that if we were friends, I would need it to be friends until we see what is happening with us and yes I would need it to be exclusive. He told me he wasn't interested in anyone right now, that he needed to be alone and it all seemed to be very twisted. I then asked him about the woman he met and if he dated her............he again turned it around, I was the bad person for asking, that I aws apparently a friend but put these conditions on it, funny being I said my love was unconditional........he never answered the question whether he actually dated this trashy older woman. He did however then use it as an excuse to walk away from me again................that I apparently put conditions on my apparent unconditional love. I actually just wanted to honour myself and I knew what I wanted, so I walked away.

You have to decide what you want and you have to stick by it, as they will move the goal posts time and time again, until you find yourself accepting crumbs. I look at how this person doesn't honour or even seem to like me most of the time this past year, the twice he has been back in my life........his distaste was depressing for me, but I stayed strong, I know how lucky he should feel for having me in his life and I held my head high. He got to me a lot last year, to the point I had a crisis myself, I locked myself away and cried for weeks on end. He is my soulmate, I know he is, but my life being treated, pushed away, lied to and probably cheated on is not one I am prepared to accept.

However, above all that, I don't know what is going on in his mind, but I do know what I am prepared to accept and the crumbs I am being offered I cannot thrive on.

Smile
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replied February 7th, 2013
Hi thank you for the reply.

I know I have to figure out what to do for myself, this is really driving me crazy and I'm so incredibly confused. It's been okay past couple of days, he was talking to me and calling me every day, but now today I'm getting nothing. He's ignoring me again.

Yesterday we were on a call pretty much all day, chatting about all kinds of things, I finally broke down and told him how I was feeling, how it worries me when he goes silent etc. He seemed somewhat understanding. He told me that he doesn't like talking about the same thing over and over again, meaning the fact that he's trying to avoid doing what he knows he should be doing ( school stuff); that he has no will or interest in anything anymore etc. I tried to reassure him, as I always have, that he is in no way a burden to me, never has been. He said that I can't fix anything so why bother talking about it? I tried telling him that I know I can't, but sometimes just venting will help.

the rest of the evening went alright, we just talked about shows he was watching and things like that. The way he started speaking to me kind of changed though - it was as though he was talking to someone who was of authority, like a teacher or something. It was "formal". At one point while we were chatting about a program we were both watching he says "may I share a thought?" as though he was asking permission to speak o.O It was very strange and I'm not sure what that means.

He also said, which was kind of out of the blue, that it would help him to communicate more if he stopped treating me like an extension of subconscious or something. He said that I tell him he doesn't talk to me a lot, but he does. He'll go to another room for a moment, and that's where he has them (the conversations), then he comes back and the conversations are over so he just sits quiet and doesn't say anything to me. So it's like he talks to me in his head but doesn't actually talk to "me". At least that's how I understood it.

The rest of the night as he spoke to me, it wasn't casual, it was still very "formal" speech.I mean he's smart and likes to always spell correctly, but this was different. It's very hard to describe.

Anyway, today I've gotten absolutely nothing from him..he's ignoring me.I don't know what to do anymore. I notice that he has spoken to other people during times when he has completely ignored me. Why would he have so much to talk about with others but refuses to speak to me? Haven't had any fights or anything.I am worried about him of course, but this is really hurting me too. If I ask him if he's okay, or could he please reply, he bites my head off and gets very defensive. all he says is that he's "busy". The only time he'll actually say anything is if I start sounding more concerned worrying if he's alright, then he'll say "yea".

I keep telling him I love him, but he hasn't said it to me in weeks. I try to initiate conversations but he doesn't reply. I'm really starting to think there is someone else. As though it's not my "turn" today. But then the next day he's all chatty and calling me.

I'm so confused, upset and afraid. I have no idea what to do about this or what he wants. I know if I even try to touch the subject, he will get defensive, ask me why I'm being so dramatic. He has never done this before..it has never been to this extreme.

If he no longer wants to be in this relationship, why won't he just tell me? Because I have no idea anymore if we're together or not, and if he even still considers me someone whom he loves and wants to be with. Last thing I want to do is leave him, I love him more than anything, but I'm in limbo here..do I stay or do I leave under the "assumption" it's over to him?
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replied August 3rd, 2013
"he twisted everything for me to believe he was breaking up, then made it all my fault that I thought he was breaking up."

wow my exgf did this to me ad nauseum! I couldnt win...
she'd then say it takes 2 etc...
but she would initiate this stuff outta the blue...really wierd..
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replied February 7th, 2013
I just wanted to say that more and more I'm feeling I've failed him and that's why he no longer speaks to me. When he became down and feeling hopeless, I used to be able to just listen and support him, and then he would feel a bit better.

I have been TRYING to do that now, I do tell him that I'm always here for him, that I love him in hopes he'll open up to me as he always did, but now it seems he doesn't feel comfortable doing that, or he doesn't trust me enough or something.

I try talking to him about anything really..what I did during the day etc, and other times I'll say to him that I'm here and he can talk to me if he needs to...nothing works. Did I do something to cause him not to want to confide in me anymore? I don't know what I could have possible done to make him feel he can't talk to me about what's going on like he always used to.

When I do try initiating any conversations, I tend to stop talking since I'm getting no replies at all. Is this wrong to do? Should I just keep talking to him until he decides to respond? Could this be why he doesn't feel he can talk, because I tend to stop when I get no response? He maybe thinks that I don't care because I stop talking so he just won't talk to me?
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replied February 9th, 2013
Moon, firstly breathe Smile

The formal speak is typical of bipolar, my guy does it too, I love how they use certain words that I don't think have been used since 1710 Smile The formal speak at first can seem like a cold way of talking, it is just their way of dealing and they do it when they start feeling fearful of their own emotions. I have had some doozies that made me feel like the naughty puppy that wet itself of the carpet. Now I snigger to myself and in my head I say 'Here's Mr Darcy again'.

I remember the first time he asked me if I wanted to meet his son, I thought I had done something wrong, formal speak, just ignore it, learn to smile at it, I almost find it cute in a way now. It's not harmful, it holds nothing other than protecting themselves.

The problem you have is it is the people they love who get the abuse from them, who are the target as you are the one that threatens his pain the most. That is what I have picked up from all of my research so far (which isn't a lot I have to admit, but I am trying to learn what is bipolar and what is him being a jerk).

That is a good thing to do, look at what other bipolar partners have done that are exact mirrors of what you go through). I found the following:

When they are going into an episode, they will find a reason to shut you out with all their might, doesn't matter what you say or do.

When they choose to ignore you, they will ignore you, you cannot talk them out of it

They will push love away, try the 'I love you' approach when they have pushed away and you will be told you are needy and you seem to need reassurance they cannot give you (or something equally as cold sounding).

If you try and ask them questions, they will hide the answer from you, they are masters at talking around rather than giving you an answer and turning things back on you as if you are the one with the problem.

Remembering, all of this is because you represent the biggest fear of all..............you are the one who can cause them the most pain. They don't feel worthy of you sometimes (but don't tell them they are or you will have how they don't need your assurances and neither do they want them), other times they will have such an inflated sense of self they will believe they have such a special purpose and are so powerful they don't have to take their medication (and bad things happen).

You are trying to find if he wants to be in a relationship and you know, he may very well turn around one day and say no and he never did...............and that is more than likely to be complete lie.......but bipolar people can say the cruelest, most cold things because they are in complete fear, out of control fear that we cannot possibly imagine, they fear losing those they love, abandonment, etc so much they are absolutely insane with that fear and it is easier for them to push us away, easier for them to make us gone before we manage to hurt them.

They are in a lot of pain Moon.....................however DO NOT LET THAT MAKE YOU DUTY BOUND...........if you can cope, then great, if you cannot then you deserve the life you deserve.

I am not sure yet what I will do, this time I have a sense of humour that 'The little girl had another tanty' in my own head of course, he would have a complete meltdown if he heard me laughing and calling him a little tanty girl. I have stopped letting it drain me because I was going insane with it myself and had to spend thousands in counselling and hours every day in meditation (because boy can they make you feel like there is something wrong with you).

You will know if it is right to let go of him and move on.........but also, with these guys and girls, you have to treat them with a light touch, any pressure and they are off into fear land and pain takes over.
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replied February 9th, 2013
Plus Moon, you are asking the question I was asking for a long time. The whole contact or not contact when he has stomped off with his baby boots on.

I spent the first stomp off by trying to contact him to talk about it, he ended up calling the police, it was so embarassing.

The second stomp off I did the same, he just ignored me.

This time, I just laid down my conditions for his return, that honoured me (you are never going to get them to stop stomping off, ignoring you, getting angry and saying things they don't mean, but I just had a couple of conditions of his return that were just to honour me). Now I am leaving him be.

Don't worry he has stomped off, two ways of looking at it, one they nearly always come back.....two, who else is going to put up with that? Smile

Stay calm, things will work out for the best, either way Smile
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replied February 15th, 2013
Thank you for the reply.

This past week has been good. Talking all the time,he'd keep saying how much he loves me and he had even asked me a couple times how much I love him..

..apparently he just wanted to feel secure that I did, not that I've ever given reason for him to doubt my love for him.He's never really voiced anything like that before.

Anyway, as I said, it was as usual. Eager to talk, we found some things we could do together. He seemed alright.

Then today, he said he was feeling like s***, didn't really say why, I guess just in general, but we still went about talking about whatnot for some time. At some point he went to get some food, and when he came back, it was a totally different person.

He asked me if I ever worry...about anything. I of course said I always do, and he said " Well it doesn't seem like it". I asked him what he was worried about, and he said something to the effect of, "you really have to ask?. What's been on my mind for the past 2 months; what keeps me up at night; what wakes me up in the morning". I knew what he was talking about...the impending deadline for his thesis, his general feeling about school and where his life is going.

I didn't know what to say. I wasn't about to say some stupid thing like I knew how he was feeling, or what he should do. One, because I have no idea what he's going through; and two, I know how the subject upsets him.

But here's a prime example of what I mean when I say that I'm failing him now. He wanted me to talk to him..he came to me, and I had no comforting words for him, I had no idea what to say. He was angry that I had to ask what he was worried about, because I've known the reason all along.

He said he was going to eat and hung up.

I did message him saying that yes, I do worry all the time about everything..that I can't turn my brain off. I also told him that I love him more than I can describe, and I'm always here for him. I said that I knew that fact couldn't fix anything, but it was a "definite"..there was no doubt about it (hoping that at least he knew there was one thing that he didn't have to worry about).

He stopped talking to me for a couple of hours, then he messaged me.

Now he's p****** off at me and refuses to speak to me, because I said I was sorry I didn't know what to say, completely ignoring everything else I said.

He told me to "stop being sorry for living". He's really good at making me feel sorry for living though. One minute he really loves me, and the next, everything I do or say is wrong.

I just can't win with him no matter what I do.

@KungFuManda: You had mentioned "conditions for his return". May I ask what you mean by that? What you said..if that's what you meant. Did you give ultimatums? Because I don't feel that would work at all, even on a healthy person. I don't mean to pry and you're not obligated to answer that. I was just wondering.
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replied February 17th, 2013
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He finally called me, and clearly he was depressed and agitated that his deadline was in 2 weeks. I could barely make out anything he was saying, sounded like he was mumbling under his breath. He asked me something like ,"Why can't I do anything?". I was confused by this question, and didn't know what he meant.He wouldn't explain, but I thought he meant in general. I thought he meant perhaps he had no skills to do anything else or something, I really had no idea so I said that I disagreed.

He got extremely agitated when I didn't answer the question the way he wanted, but I had no idea what he was looking for.
He was saying that in 12 days it's the end of the month..I knew what he was getting at - the deadline -, but I know how this topic upsets him, so I tried not "going there" to avoid upsetting him further. This just made him more angry.

I THINK he said something like, "You said 'im always here for you' so here I am" I honestly don't know, his words were barely audible. The next second he said "F this" and he hung up.

So I'm sure he now thinks that he can't come to me anymore. I'm sure he feels alone and he thinks I've abandoned him, but I haven't Sad I just don't know what he wants from me. I know I've lost him for good now, and it's all my fault.

Is there anything I can do/say. I love him more than I can put into words, and I'm terribly worried about him. I am here for him, but I feel I've failed him in the worst way, and it seems he thinks that too.
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replied February 19th, 2013
I am so glad to see this post.
My bp boyfriend begged to come and live with me 3 weeks ago. He loved me so much, I could trust him, no regrets etc. 3 weeks later, he packed his bags on the quiet and left me with his cat. Just saying he wants space and will rent a place of his own. I did nothing but love and care for him over these 3 weeks. I have known him for 10 years. He is unmedicated and I am finding it so hard to be constantly hurt. I cooked him lovely meals and he just left, throwing a few unreasonable texts at me. He says he still loves me and wants to date me. Why is it all their way all the time. Play along with them or having to end it. Sad
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replied February 19th, 2013
Today has been the most confusing ever and I honestly don't understand what's going on.

Last week everything seemed great, but come this week it all changed..again. Nevertheless we have been talking every day, and he has called. Today however, he suddenly has this hate on for me, no clue where it came from. He was happy this morning, apparently something good happened regarding his school. We talked briefly about it, then I just asked a random question about something unrelated, and he bites my head off. I wasn't expecting any lengthy answer. Anyway, I asked him about the school thing again, and he tells me not to try to go back to that topic.

He continued to answer my random question, then he says to stop ignoring him. I told him I wasn't and he stopped responding. Four or so hours later, he messages me asking what he did to make me ignore him for 2 days in a row o.O. I haven't been, we've been talking every single day non-stop.

I've been trying to get him to explain to me what he means, but he just isn't responding. I asked him if that message was meant for me, and he said"who else would it be to? unless i've been talking to someone else there for the past 2 months" I asked him again to please explain what he means, but he stopped replying.

Now, 2 hrs later he answers my question as to why he thinks I've been ignoring him and he says " well maybe because you're not talking?" I'm trying to talk to him, I've been talking to him every single day, and it's him now who isn't talking.

I am completely confused about all this, and what is going on with him. How can he not remember talking to me? Is this some cruel joke?

How can he not even remember talking to me, or is he trying to make me look crazy o.O I have all our conversations still from the past year (texts) I don't understand this out of the blue accusation that I've been ignoring him, and I'm trying to talk to him but HE's the one not talking back to me.

What is going on?
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replied February 21st, 2013
Moontears, try and figure this out you will end up mentally ill yourself.

I keep being accused of not listening to him, but he never says the same thing twice and talks around and around in circles. When I try to get to the centre of what he is saying, it gets even more confusing. For example if he tries to say he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now, I thank him for his honesty and told him this has changed from yesterday where we were going to see what happened with us..........he would tell me I am not listening, acting like there is something he is saying I am not hearing, when he seems to be definitively saying he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now, but when I assume that, I am in some way not hearing him and not listening to what he is saying. As I say, it is confusing, you cannot try and figure it out.

My ultimatum as it sounds.........quite simple, four things:

1 That we are exclusive until we find out where we are heading, that we have a conversation to say we aren't going anywhere before either of us looks elsewhere (he gets the better end of the deal in that situation).

2 That he didn't date a certain person that I know he met and is still in touch with........she is not the type of person I would expect any man who dated me to date and if he did, he is never welcome back in my life (that's quite simple and a boundary rather than an ultimatum).

3 That he sticks on any medication or treatment that he is on and doesn't think ever that he doesn't need it anymore without first talking to a professional.

4 That his hypersexualisation is under control, that I will never find him talking to women on the internet, cheating or watching adult stuff.

Not sure they are ultimatums perse but they are my boundaries if he wants me in his life. For my sake, I need these to be clear and considering the turbulence and the ugliness of being with someone with bipolar, I don't think it's a big reach and I won't be a doormat, or find out down the track that I have been with someone who is not who he presented himself to be.

So he will either get back in touch or he won't.

Sorry but the confusion part............back to that...........there are a few things that may be helpful:

1 They do forget that they haven't said things to you they think they have...............so they may have had a conversation in their head and forgot they didn't have it with you Smile

2 When they are confused, they will confuse you if you let them and yes, they will always make you feel like you are the crazy one.........that WILL NOT change I am afraid.

You have to stop trying to figure it out, you cannot, it is a mental illness, one of the most serious mental illnesses. People are hospitalised over this mental illness, it's hideous, I cannot bear to think what bipolar people go through, but I also cannot bear to think about what the people who love bipolars go through.

Rather than figure it out, you have to stop and ask yourself if you are happy for the rest of your life to be this turbulent? This isn't him acting out, it isn't him doing things to you...........it is him being mentally ill.

You are doing as I did before I knew he was bipolar and you are being sucked into it, the drama he is creating........you have to stop and pull back from that or you will also need help yourself before you know it. Bipolars, as much as it is hard for them, they do frequently destroy the people around them, read around these forums, there are partners after partners on medication themselves after being with a bipolar partner. They up and leave, they run up debts, they have a highly inflated sense of self (often thinking they have special purposes above other people, like saving people, or sometimes the opposite), then they crash down and don't feel worthy, they are often jobless, they rarely finish studies, rarely hold down jobs and are never going to be a stable person in your life....neither financially or emotionally. You will always be carrying the load, if you get down, sick or needy, you will never be supported, you will be causing stress of which you are not allowed to bring. You will be held to ridiculously high standards they themselves nowhere near meet (I keep being told how I should be staying on my spiritual journey to become a completely calm zen like, kind, giving person........when he is far from it, such is the hyprocrisy in bipolar).

I don't know what will happen, but I am in a good place as I am looking out for me..............I know what my boundaries are, I am happy to give things a go so long as my four boundaries are not crossed............I will see if I can deal with tanti's, game playing, head messing, the attempts to make me feel inferior, the me not being right and him having the higher purpose, the lack of consideration for my feelings etc..............but frankly, I don't think that can work for me, as I want an equal partnership, to be supported as much as I support and to not be a doormat.........and I want to be able to have a stressed out day myself without the worry I will trigger an episode and he will vanish from my life for another few months.

You sound like you are getting very stressed Moon............you need to dial back as you will neither help yourself, or him if you get drawn into his bipolar (separate the bipolar behaviour from him is a good start).
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replied February 22nd, 2013
Hi Manda, thank you so much for being here.

We finally did talk about it, to an extent, and when I asked why he thought I was ignoring him, he said I hadn't said "a meaningful sentence all week". That of course is not true. I feel I can't be myself anymore, I need to start speaking on some higher cognitive level. We talk on skype, this isn't a conference of Nobel Prize winners >.>.

It is getting incredibly difficult now..it's the worst it has ever been. He is completely gone it seems. He is uninterested in everything - everything is boring.He seems to be drinking all the time.I had asked him if there is anything I can do for him, anything he needs that I may be able to provide from here. I told him that I'm not sure what he wants me to do when he pulls away - if he needs some space or if he wants me to contact him. He said he doesn't even know what he wants, all he knows is he needs distractions.

As in your case, he also believes he is better than anyone else, and he is now always saying that no one cares about him, or appreciates him. He hasn't finished his studies, and compares himself to his peers who have. Although he has this mentality that he is superior he says that he feels useless.

He is obsessed with is ex - what she is doing, who she is with. He has told me many times that they will never get back together, and she has been with someone else for quite some time. So why does he care what she is doing all the time?

I do feel myself sinking down right along with him. When he's happy I'm happy, when he has an episode, I'm down there with him. Mostly it's because I care about him and feel helpless that I don't know what to do to help. But this time, I feel I can do nothing right by him. No matter what I say or do, he will nitpick and in an indirect way make me feel stupid and worthless.

I cannot come to him if I have a problem or feeling down, even though he has told me in the past I could. He just calls me "emo".

I just want to cry sometimes because I love him so much, and I'm trying so hard to be loving, and understanding, but he just doesn't seem to care. I tell him that I love him, but I wonder if that even means anything to him anymore - he hasn't said it to me in 2 months.

I have been trying to read more about this illness, and I do see how terrible it is. I am trying hard to be strong and not let things get to me. I know you can relate when I say, it's harder to have an objective view on the situation when you're living it and your heart is involved. When someone you love more than anything and you would do anything for - and they used to feel the same for you - treats you like an inferior being all the time, eventually shreds any self-worth you have.

It's hard to separate him from the illness right now. I know he is not well..at all, and it breaks my heart to see the man I love suffer this way and I have no way to help him.

I feel that if I pull back, he will feel abandoned, but at the same time I feel I am trying to push this huge boulder up a hill, fighting a losing battle. I know I need to take care of myself, but I also want to be there for him. The thought of leaving him is just...unthinkable.

I hate talking about him in this way, I know it's not his fault. I would do anything to make his pain go away. I just wonder if there is any feelings for me he had, left in his heart.
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replied February 22nd, 2013
He has just come back from his school today - he went to talk to them about taking some time off. He had initially thought he could only take half a year off, but still be able to finish, but the other day he told me he figured out that he would be able to take a whole year off. Now, I don't know why he's been wanting to do this, but the fact that he found this out made him happy.

Anyway, I guess today he went in to talk to the dean about it, and apparently they denied him the time. He said they told them that they need him there. From everything he's told me over the course of our relationship, the people there can't do anything themselves, and if he isn't there the whole place falls apart.He came back and told me what happened today, clearly even more depressed than he has been.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I used to be able to find the right things to say to him, be supportive in any way I can, but lately I feel I am at loss for words when he comes to me. I keep saying the wrong things, or don't know what to say at all. The subject of school has always been one he didn't want to talk about, so I've learned not to bring it up, or if he wants to drop it I say nothing more about it. However now, this is his main focus, and I have no comforting words for him, when he talks about it.In my attempts to help him I just seem to make things worse - I just say the wrong things.

He's stopped speaking to me again today, and I have no idea what to say. Why the hell is it so hard for me to talk to the man I love and comfort him? I've always told him that I will always be here for him to support him in any way possible, but the last 2 months I have been failing in that.

What is wrong with me?

I am very afraid of what he may doing at this moment. There's no way to contact him unless he chooses to reply to my messages - we live an ocean away, I can't exactly go to his house, and there's no one I can contact. I don't know if he just went to sleep, if he's sitting there getting drunk..or something worse.

I've failed him and I hate myself for that.
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replied February 22nd, 2013
HE is your problem
What is wrong with you is that you refuse to leave an emotionally draining, hurtful relationship.The man you love is mentally ill. You didn't cause it. You can not fix it. He will continue to hurt whoever he is close to. The cyclical nature of bp will cause you a great deal of pain and confusion. Let him own HIS behavior. Loving someone shouldn't have to be that hard. You have done a good job trying to mend this crippled relationship, but at the end of the day, you are left crying. Why not end the relationship and find someone who can really be there for you? Why not choose a healthy person? If you stay, it will only get worse and in the end, he will leave you. Don't waste your precious life. Good Luck!
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replied February 22nd, 2013
HE is your problem
What is wrong with you is that you refuse to leave an emotionally draining, hurtful relationship.The man you love is mentally ill. You didn't cause it. You can not fix it. He will continue to hurt whoever he is close to. The cyclical nature of bp will cause you a great deal of pain and confusion. Let him own HIS behavior. Loving someone shouldn't have to be that hard. You have done a good job trying to mend this crippled relationship, but at the end of the day, you are left crying. Why not end the relationship and find someone who can really be there for you? Why not choose a healthy person? If you stay, it will only get worse and in the end, he will leave you. Don't waste your precious life. Good Luck!
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replied August 3rd, 2013
Well put. My xgf just left.But kept me around talking about it while she went thru 2 horrible depressions & raged at me as well. It was an extremely hurtful & draining rs & I finally told her the other day.

Wheren WERE the 'good times'? hardly ever.
I couldnt take her anywhere for fear of episodes-I did tho & it ALWAYS happened!!
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replied February 22nd, 2013
HE is your problem
What is wrong with you is that you refuse to leave an emotionally draining, hurtful relationship.The man you love is mentally ill. You didn't cause it. You can not fix it. He will continue to hurt whoever he is close to. The cyclical nature of bp will cause you a great deal of pain and confusion. Let him own HIS behavior. Loving someone shouldn't have to be that hard. You have done a good job trying to mend this crippled relationship, but at the end of the day, you are left crying. Why not end the relationship and find someone who can really be there for you? Why not choose a healthy person? If you stay, it will only get worse and in the end, he will leave you. Don't waste your precious life. Good Luck!
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replied February 22nd, 2013
There was no need to post three times, I'm not sure if that was intended or not.

"The man you love is mentally ill". Yes he is, and he did not CHOOSE to have this horrendous disease. I may be fighting a losing battle, but to have someone come in to my thread and bash a person who has a terrible disease is disrespectful - there are plenty of forums on the internet for people like that..this is not one of them.
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replied May 30th, 2013
He is correct. Get out of this " relationship" before you cause yourself more damage. These people are insane!!
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replied February 22nd, 2013
Moontears,

Him making you feel inferior, the quickest way to get past that is to recognise it is bipolar.........not him. The man I love does it to, I remember him telling me he neither needed nor desired reassurance and nor could he support someone who needed it..............that was after me asking him a simple question.......that was me told Smile Things like that you have to have a sense of humour about...........the man I love thinks he was sent here for a higher purpose, like Neo from the Matrix he described it as...........being a mere human isn't good enough for bipolars when their sense of self elevates. If you read through posts you will find these formal slam downs of people bipolars love. You really do have to learn to snigger about them and not let them get through to you or affect you.

Chances are he won't finish his studies, again, it's a bipolar thing, it will all get too much and he won't. That he is looking for more time out is a pretty huge indicator of that. I remember I used to leave my house at 6am and get home at 7pm every night, used to have to be away from home with my job etc.............and he used to be stressed about going to University at 10am and playing soccer in the park with his son by 3.30 every day, it was all too much. If I had known what bipolar was I would have gotten it at that point...and no he never completed his uni degree, has lost his part time job in a cafe as a kitchen hand (which was also very stressful for him) and is now living back beside his ex, has joined her church and is living out in the middle of nowhere with no job, who knows who is paying his rent etc.

I need you to understand that the not being able to say the right thing, that everything you say is wrong, needy, demanding, needing reassurance, not being clear, not having anything worthy to say so you didn't say anything at all.........all that stuff..............it's bipolar, it isn't you, it isn't your fault, it isn't your relationship even..........it's just bipolar. I have had the same sort of things said to me over and over, that whole thing that you have ignored him because you haven't had anything worthy to say is just a classic bipolar type formal slamdown. Making you feel like the naughty puppy who just didn't live up to super high expectations they create.

Thing is, thats the hypocrisy of bipolar, they demand such perfection when they are far from it themelves, but in their mind, they have special purpose on earth, a higher one apparently in their mind..............as my friend says 'a legend in their own mind'.

I think the sad part is for him, you are going to eventually run out of energy on this and I am guessing the bipolar will just gain more momentum with the drama of losing you. The love of my life's bipolar seems to be much worse than it's ever been and I do truly believe it is due to the drama he creates with me, it's like an addiction for him, coming to me and creating the drama, pushing the buttons..............a bit like that sore tooth you cannot stop biting down on but make worse and get more pain by doing so, but for some odd reason you cannot stop biting on it.

It is frustrating, as you think 'if only he would let me in, I want to care, I want to hug him'. I have tried and tried to be there for him, I want to care for him, but I get it thrown in my face with a nice plate of spite and side of pompous words to try and make me feel inferior and stupid.

The sad part as a society we are never trained to show compassion for mentally ill people. We are trained to show compassion for cancer sufferers, we are trained to show compassion for nearly all illness.............the fact is Bipolar is a terminal illness, it doesn't get better and I think it's a third of bipolar people take their own life or something ridiculously high. Yet still we treat them like they deserve no compassion because the result of their disease is hurting other people, using people, lying and often worse...........I am not sure what the solution is as noone deserves the treatment bipolars give out, well maybe one or two people do, but most people don't deserve the treatment they will get for being in the life of a bipolar, but what do we do, pop them all on an island so they can all outpomp themselves with grandios words and competing for who has the biggest higher purpose and making each other feel stupid and inferior? Smile

The other thing to keep in mind............bipolars are on the flipside very charming and increadibly loving (I haven't seen that part in a year and a half) but this very charming, very confident seeming, super intelligent persona is also bipolar...............I remember I only ever dated fellow professionals, I dated very classy, intelligent, smart, professional men who had similar earnings to myself etc. I met him and he was at uni, worked one night a week waiting tables in a restaurant, hadn't held down a job ever and had gone from job to job. However, he seemed so classy, so intelligent, so utterly dignified.......he even made being a dishwasher in a cafe sound like brain surgery. So keep in mind, some of the stuff you see as possive is also just the bipolar, it is how they are very good at sucking people in.

When you hear of these charming men who suck women in and then leave with their life savings........they are bipolars. The elevated sense of self is like taking you on your most confident day, daydreaming of being the person you have always dreamed, times it by ten and then have you believe it's reality. That gives off a very powerful confidence, or what seems like confidence, but it's actually delusion.

I hope all that helps, as it is so easy to think it is something you are doing, that you aren't good enough, that you are causing things etc............you are not.......bipolar is doing all the work and you have to really get educated so you can see what is bipolar, so you can recognise the behaviour.

I also suggest some meditation for you.............you will need to keep calm and centred and do what is right for you.
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replied May 30th, 2013
These people are insane huh? Last time I checked myself bring bipolar didn't mean I was insane. I go to college full time, train full time, hold down jobs etc. Anyway, it sounds like he is perhaps not taking his medication regularly or he is rapid cycling. Alot of stress can cause rapid changes in behavior too. I know when I'm stressed I get manic personally. All you can do is, if your open to it is seek therapy for yourself to better be able to deal with this. Also better deal with situations to come. If your up to it. I applaud you for realizing it isn't his fault and that its a disease. Most are very conceited and self absorbed, too much so to realize this. It isn't your fault though. Remember that.
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