Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

bf slapped me

Long story short, my boyfriend hit me. Is it ALWAYS ALWAYS the case that if they hit you once they'll hit you again? He got drunk and got very uncharacteristically emotional and angry and slapped me across the face and punched me in the arm. It was quite scary, but also totally out of the blue and I still don't quite understand how it all happened - we weren't even in a big fight. Normally, he doesn't even get angry - in fact, i've never seen him angry before this. Our relationship is really good otherwise. My first thought is that this is a black and white issue and I have to leave him, but of course I love him and if there is a chance of saving this relationship I want to do it. I find it hard to believe that everyone who has ever hit someone they cared about will do it again and and again, and must simply stay single and alone or else they will be a danger to people.

I've been in a relationship before where a guy hit me (again drunk). I broke up with him, he quit drinking, started counseling, and we got back together a few months later - dated for another 2 years without incident, and broke up for other reasons.

I guess I don't really understand violence. I have never felt inclined to hurt anyone I cared about, so I can't relate and I don't know what's going on in his head. I can't figure out if this something I can forgive and move past, or if I should just leave him because he supposedly will do it again.

I really appreciate anyone's advice.
Did you find this post helpful?
First Helper Nadz8913
|

User Profile
replied May 11th, 2008
Supporter
Yes, unfortunately it is. And I may add I’m talking from personal experience. Things might go well for as much as 5 years, but ultimately, he will do it again.
This is a psychological tendency that will manifest again when you least expect it.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied May 12th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
I don't know if this means anything, but I saw your post on the GLBT forum. It was a little different...
talulinator wrote:

Last night we got really drunk, him especially, and he got really upset and angry for no reason (that I could tell). I left his place, and he ran after me and came up behind me, punched me in the arm, shoved me, and hit me in the face.

I was totally in shock and really didn't know how to react. I have never even see him angry before, and he was obviously just stupid drunk. He yelled at me for a little bit, but then just started balling. I told him he really messed up and left him there.


You also said you'd only been with him for three months.

Okay, my first thought is that alot of people don't think about domestic violence happening in GLTB relationships. It seems obvious, but people don't usually think about this happening. So yes, you can have domestic violence in GLTB relationships.

And this is certainly a case of DV.

Whether he will do it or not again only time will tell. Odds are not in your favor. You've only known him for three months and this behavior is surfacing. That's pretty telling of events to come.

If I were you, I would talk to him about this. Find out if he's ever done this before to anyone else. Find out if anyone has done this to him. Patterns emerge. Then find out if he's willing to get help. He gets angry and emotional when he's drunk. Alcohol, a depressent and truth serum, strips inhibitions and then ou get a taste of what someone is really like.

Please be careful. Maybe there are some GLTB domestic violence or relationship support groups in your area? Sometimes talking to someone one on one really helps.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 13th, 2008
Thanks for your comments. I have spoken to him, and he is beside himself . He has never done anything like this before and is frightened by what he did. He has already been to a counselor, and plans to continue to go. While I know this is a case of Domestic Violence by definition, it is not a typical case, and I don't think it's fair to rule out this being an isolated incident. I mean, i've done some messed up things that I'm not proud of, including times when I've been drunk - we all make mistakes, that doesn't make us inherently bad people who are bound to make the same mistakes again and again. I don't know if I'll get over this and go back to him, but I'm just saying, I have found the people on these forums to be a little biased and closed minded.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied May 14th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Thanks for the update; he sounds contrite and it's great that he's been to a counselor on his own volition.

Yes, we have all done things drunk or whatnot that we regret! I have, certainly. But I've never punched anyone in the face before, y'know? Try not to justify or minimalize. If you find yourself defending him...somethings up.

Please keep updating!!

If people sound biased and closed minded, it could be a few different things.

One, we've seen this all before whether on the forums or in our lives and the patterns don't lie.

Two, you could be in denial about how grave and serious this is.

Three, people are evil and hopeful that things will go badly because we are all pessimists.

Just a few thoughts.
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Users who thank Birch for this post: talulinator 

User Profile
replied May 15th, 2008
Supporter
Little biased and closed minded. Guilty as charged.
Whenever it comes to domestic violence I just cringe as I’ve been a victim myself. Sweetie, if you came here and told us that your boyfriend cheated on you, and if it ALWAYS, ALWAYS the case is that he will do it again - then my answer would have been different. I’ve heard of so many times when a partner cheated, felt remorse and never did it again. But truth be told, I have never heard of a man hitting his wife/partner only once.
I was in a relationship many years ago were my boyfriend slapped me. He too was beside himself and volunteered to go for therapy. The therapists convinced him that it was an isolated case, we got married, and no incident for four years. One night he got drunk again and he beat me. I did not stay for another.

I actually wish that you could come back in 10 years time and say: Beline, you were wrong. I told you so.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 20th, 2008
Update
Though I still think under certain (probably rare) circumstances people deserve a second chance with this sort of thing, my EX didn't. We got in a fight recently and he gave me a little shove out the door. I wasn't harmed, but when I brought it up to him later, his defense was that he was "protecting himself against the emotional pain I was causing him" (even though he pushed me as my back was turned because I was leaving his apartment). That sentiment implies to me that he can rationalize that his putting his hands on me is OK. I dumped him.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied August 20th, 2008
Community Volunteer
You did the right thing. I got out of an abusive marriage 19 years ago...didn't want to be alone with 2 little ones but it was the best decision I ever made and my ex is still the same, different wife. Sad, sad, sad.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied August 21st, 2008
Supporter
Oh, Honey! I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. And I’m glad you weren’t physically hurt. Unfortunately this is how it always starts: a shove here and pinch there – and before you know it…
Hang in there. Soon enough a wonderful man will be at your side.
You are in my thoughts.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 25th, 2009
MAGDA
This is a problem of a level of agression , men are more agressive in their blood than women and only some men can turn it into sth positive. women who cannot find the men they want has got to stay alone
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 18th, 2013
Wrong!
Leave whilst u still can whilst it is still early day and before you have any ties, it is a well known facct that pnce a man hits u once he is more than likely to do it again, weather he was drink or not it is not a exccuse it is how it starts and usually just exculates no human being deserves abuse and usually we are in to deep before we see the truth, he may never do it again or he may just end up ur worse nightmare it is to much a risk to take, this boy will drink again no doubt and eventually strike again then it starts to happen when he is sober before you know it you are in a domestic relationshi. Be wize, never say never cos its already happened. U see yhe signs early u have no ties it is still early season it is not so much love yet get out whilst u can for ur own humanity x
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 18th, 2013
Leave whilst u still can whilst it is still early day and before you have any ties, it is a well known facct that pnce a man hits u once he is more than likely to do it again, weather he was drink or not it is not a exccuse it is how it starts and usually just exculates no human being deserves abuse and usually we are in to deep before we see the truth, he may never do it again or he may just end up ur worse nightmare it is to much a risk to take, this boy will drink again no doubt and eventually strike again then it starts to happen when he is sober before you know it you are in a domestic relationshi. Be wize, never say never cos its already happened. U see yhe signs early u have no ties it is still early season it is not so much love yet get out whilst u can for ur own humanity x
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 7th, 2013
My boyfriend hit me in the face drunk after a year and half
I have never posted before. I get on here to help me make my decisions based off other peoples advise and troubles. I am reading this girls story in 2008 if she should leave her boyfriend and the answers. I was wondering if I should leave my boyfriend after a 1 1/2 years of dating. He slapped me across the face hard two nights ago drunk. We were not even in a fight. we are now broken up but he will not leave me alone crying and he loves me wants me as his wife as we have talked about it in the past. i'm torn. I just decided to write my history with him down on a piece of paper. This is a list of our history of fights in a nutshell leading up to him hitting my face that I have forgotten. Mind you I divorced a man 7 years ago who head butted me and chocked me and pushed me, bruised ribs for 6years of marriage with him.

My history now with my boyfriend. not everything is written down here. he was drunk most these times.
2month of dating. pushed me into a door and onto the bed. ripped my necklace off.
6th month of dating. hit my chest with his hand to push me back cause he was going through my phone. then shoving me outside and pushed me down the stairs. bruises all over my body. then next day smashed my phone and broke it.
1 year of dating. Raped my butt hole. "sorry" embarrassing.
1year and 1/2. yelling in my face. shoved me from behind out of jealousy and anger.
1 1/2 year of dating. hit me in the face and sexually assaulted me this week and all in this relationship he has cheated, jealous and angry, but has been so sorry. He is an alpha hot male that we both have passion and love but what a journey that
He text me last night that we can make it and he loves me and wants me as his wife. after writting all this down , i think i can leave him today. ugh!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 6th, 2014
please leave him sweet one, my ex had slapped my face on our one month anniversary then he didn't like my gfs then he didn't like being with my dad and i together it always had to be what he wanted his side of the family are great but he just wanted to be controlling, watch out then last thing he had my hair, now in a playful manner its okay but we was standing outside and i wasn't paying attention to him so he gets my hair yeah you need to leave while you can sorry to break your heart but most ladies have been through horrible beatings and some get killed so leave while you can
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied September 7th, 2014
My partner slapped me (quite hard) on the face when I fell asleep during dirty talk as I was exhausted. I immediately wanted to break up with him. I wouldn't talk to him, I was literally packing my bags. He came after me, pleaded, apologised, etc. In the end we reconciled...I still don't know if I did the right thing, I don't think I will ever know. I will never forget this incident, that is for certain.

I don't think his respect towards me was changed by this incident at all...I think he just lost it and hit me and then he was very sorry about it. For him it's that simple. He hasn't hit me since. But I still remember and it still hurts and I don't think my dignity will ever properly recover from it.
|
Did you find this post helpful?