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Q: bf slapped me

asked by: talulinator on May 10th, 2008

New User

Long story short, my boyfriend hit me. Is it ALWAYS ALWAYS the case that if they hit you once they'll hit you again? He got drunk and got very uncharacteristically emotional and angry and slapped me across the face and punched me in the arm. It was quite scary, but also totally out of the blue and I still don't quite understand how it all happened - we weren't even in a big fight. Normally, he doesn't even get angry - in fact, i've never seen him angry before this. Our relationship is really good otherwise. My first thought is that this is a black and white issue and I have to leave him, but of course I love him and if there is a chance of saving this relationship I want to do it. I find it hard to believe that everyone who has ever hit someone they cared about will do it again and and again, and must simply stay single and alone or else they will be a danger to people.

I've been in a relationship before where a guy hit me (again drunk). I broke up with him, he quit drinking, started counseling, and we got back together a few months later - dated for another 2 years without incident, and broke up for other reasons.

I guess I don't really understand violence. I have never felt inclined to hurt anyone I cared about, so I can't relate and I don't know what's going on in his head. I can't figure out if this something I can forgive and move past, or if I should just leave him because he supposedly will do it again.

I really appreciate anyone's advice.

Replies(9)

Beline

replied on May 11th, 2008

Supporter

Yes, unfortunately it is. And I may add I’m talking from personal experience. Things might go well for as much as 5 years, but ultimately, he will do it again.
This is a psychological tendency that will manifest again when you least expect it.

Birch

replied on May 12th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

I don't know if this means anything, but I saw your post on the GLBT forum. It was a little different...

talulinator wrote:

Last night we got really drunk, him especially, and he got really upset and angry for no reason (that I could tell). I left his place, and he ran after me and came up behind me, punched me in the arm, shoved me, and hit me in the face.

I was totally in shock and really didn't know how to react. I have never even see him angry before, and he was obviously just stupid drunk. He yelled at me for a little bit, but then just started balling. I told him he really messed up and left him there.

You also said you'd only been with him for three months.

Okay, my first thought is that alot of people don't think about domestic violence happening in GLTB relationships. It seems obvious, but people don't usually think about this happening. So yes, you can have domestic violence in GLTB relationships.

And this is certainly a case of DV.

Whether he will do it or not again only time will tell. Odds are not in your favor. You've only known him for three months and this behavior is surfacing. That's pretty telling of events to come.

If I were you, I would talk to him about this. Find out if he's ever done this before to anyone else. Find out if anyone has done this to him. Patterns emerge. Then find out if he's willing to get help. He gets angry and emotional when he's drunk. Alcohol, a depressent and truth serum, strips inhibitions and then ou get a taste of what someone is really like.

Please be careful. Maybe there are some GLTB domestic violence or relationship support groups in your area? Sometimes talking to someone one on one really helps.

talulinator

replied on May 13th, 2008

New User

Thanks for your comments. I have spoken to him, and he is beside himself . He has never done anything like this before and is frightened by what he did. He has already been to a counselor, and plans to continue to go. While I know this is a case of Domestic Violence by definition, it is not a typical case, and I don't think it's fair to rule out this being an isolated incident. I mean, i've done some messed up things that I'm not proud of, including times when I've been drunk - we all make mistakes, that doesn't make us inherently bad people who are bound to make the same mistakes again and again. I don't know if I'll get over this and go back to him, but I'm just saying, I have found the people on these forums to be a little biased and closed minded.

Birch

replied on May 14th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

Thanks for the update; he sounds contrite and it's great that he's been to a counselor on his own volition.

Yes, we have all done things drunk or whatnot that we regret! I have, certainly. But I've never punched anyone in the face before, y'know? Try not to justify or minimalize. If you find yourself defending him...somethings up.

Please keep updating!!

If people sound biased and closed minded, it could be a few different things.

One, we've seen this all before whether on the forums or in our lives and the patterns don't lie.

Two, you could be in denial about how grave and serious this is.

Three, people are evil and hopeful that things will go badly because we are all pessimists.

Just a few thoughts.

Users who thank Birch for this post: talulinator

Beline

replied on May 15th, 2008

Supporter

Little biased and closed minded. Guilty as charged.
Whenever it comes to domestic violence I just cringe as I’ve been a victim myself. Sweetie, if you came here and told us that your boyfriend cheated on you, and if it ALWAYS, ALWAYS the case is that he will do it again - then my answer would have been different. I’ve heard of so many times when a partner cheated, felt remorse and never did it again. But truth be told, I have never heard of a man hitting his wife/partner only once.
I was in a relationship many years ago were my boyfriend slapped me. He too was beside himself and volunteered to go for therapy. The therapists convinced him that it was an isolated case, we got married, and no incident for four years. One night he got drunk again and he beat me. I did not stay for another.

I actually wish that you could come back in 10 years time and say: Beline, you were wrong. I told you so.

talulinator

replied on August 20th, 2008

New User

Update

Though I still think under certain (probably rare) circumstances people deserve a second chance with this sort of thing, my EX didn't. We got in a fight recently and he gave me a little shove out the door. I wasn't harmed, but when I brought it up to him later, his defense was that he was "protecting himself against the emotional pain I was causing him" (even though he pushed me as my back was turned because I was leaving his apartment). That sentiment implies to me that he can rationalize that his putting his hands on me is OK. I dumped him.

zigemyster

replied on August 20th, 2008

Supporter

You did the right thing. I got out of an abusive marriage 19 years ago...didn't want to be alone with 2 little ones but it was the best decision I ever made and my ex is still the same, different wife. Sad, sad, sad.

Beline

replied on August 21st, 2008

Supporter

Oh, Honey! I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. And I’m glad you weren’t physically hurt. Unfortunately this is how it always starts: a shove here and pinch there – and before you know it…
Hang in there. Soon enough a wonderful man will be at your side.
You are in my thoughts.

frugola

replied on January 25th, 2009

New User

MAGDA

This is a problem of a level of agression , men are more agressive in their blood than women and only some men can turn it into sth positive. women who cannot find the men they want has got to stay alone

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