First, a little about me. I'm 21, I have bipolar disorder, I was diagnosed when I was younger, about 15 or 16, and I am not currently on any prescription drugs. However, I do smoke marijuana to help me manage my symptoms. Without it, I am unable to hope for any degree of emotional stability unless my day goes absolutely perfectly. Also, I suffer from extreme nausea most of the time as a result of having virtually no appetite. I often can only eat junk food which leaves me feeling like crap.

Aside from these differences, we have a lot in common. When I am manic, I'm pretty prone to getting angry. I often just feel agitated, as you describe. But I also feel like I just have too much energy. I can feel a psychological need to sleep, but my body simply will not give in. I find it difficult to control the volume and speed of my speech in my manic phases. In these times, I speak to my boyfriend emphatically about all the things I want to do in my life. I have a lot of creative outlets and when I am feeling manic I envision a future in which I can sustain myself off of all of my creative pursuits (which I have a hard time following outside of mania). I believe anything I want to have is possible.

Eventually this leaves me and I am left in a horrible seemingly unending depression. I cannot eat, I sleep way too much, I can barely get out of bed once I am awake and I'm awfully grumpy. I have no motivation to do anything whatsoever. I feel distant from my boyfriend, whom I love very much and have been with for 2 years now.

In both phases, I yearn for death. I can't say I feel suicidal as I don't feel like killing myself. I tend to tell my boyfriend that I just want to be dead. The thought of life is often unbearable for me as I go through the extreme ups and downs of my illness.

Like you, I can bounce around between states multiple times even over the course of just one day. My phases tend to be relatively short with very little stable time in between, if any at all. I barely had any friends in high school and can only count my boyfriend right now. It's not so much that I don't trust people as much as I have come to not like most people. Probably because I don't feel like I can trust them or that they'll truly understand what I go through on a daily basis. Sometimes I hate myself, sometimes I love myself, but I always think everyone is lying to me when they say anything positive. But these are just the personal things. The things that people with bipolar can eventually come to accept... but the things that are not so tolerable are the consequences for our life outside of ourselves.

It sounds like you're in a position where you may need to go see a doctor because your job and your relationship seem to be somewhat in jeopardy. Your employer and coworkers can only handle so much, and from the word "patients" it seems pretty important that you get whatever is getting to you under control. As for your husband, you both need to be on the same terms when it comes to talking about your emotional experiences. It has been a growing process learning how to communicate with my boyfriend. I am so prone to misunderstanding what he says to me to a point where I will be bordering on fine before and then he'll say something and I'll become overwhelmed with sobbing. It doesn't seem like he understands or appreciates your emotional experiences and I think you will get worse if your relationship has this unhealthy dynamic. The only reason why I can stay relatively sane in this relationship is because I was up front with my boyfriend about being bipolar and he has learned about the disease through research and good old fashioned listening to me with a patient ear and a creative mind. You have to be able to feel comfortable talking to your husband about your feelings, and he has to understand that you cannot express yourself perfectly.

The cost of treatment is such an overwhelming obstacle for so many people, but I think the price of not taking care of yourself is much greater. You may need to see a doctor. For yourself. And for your family. I have often feared that this illness will take me away from my loved ones permanently. It's bad enough feeling ripped away from them by my depression, but I try to take care of myself so that I don't follow through on wanting to be dead. Medication is expensive, but don't let a doctor sell you on brand name drugs. Push to be prescribed a generic if medication is the road you choose. The drug industry profits from people's exhaustion, but if you're willing to do a little research to find which drugs have generics and are safe, you can save yourself a lot of money and heart ache. My boyfriend's sister and mother take Topiramate which is much safer than the other drugs you could be put on. I am really against pharmaceuticals, and don't take them myself, but I know this drug works for them without problems.

If you really can't afford to see a doctor, there are a lot of support groups out there. There is something called Emotions Anonymous, similar to AA, but you just go to talk about your feelings and experiences. But most colleges and universities offer group talk therapy sessions out of their psychology departments. I know you don't have a lot of energy, but don't give up! There is so much help out there! And if you can't find a place to go, there's always the internet, as you know

I know this may be kind of jumbled, but I really felt like you needed an answer and if you didn't get your answer in my mess, the short version is that I think a diagnosis is important, ultimately. If you can see that you have the symptoms, you can try to respond to them. And I'm sure you've tried. But if you can't figure it out on your own, then it only makes sense that you go see someone. It's also important for your husband to know how to interpret your behavior. He won't respond properly otherwise. I hope this helps, and don't be afraid to write me if you need someone to talk to or explanations for anything I've said.

I was really surprised that someone replied! I have been struggling pretty badly recently. I am so exhausted. I've been doing this alone since my mother died and just realized the other day that it will be twenty years soon! That is so long! I'm terrified of medication. I'm terrified of the price. But I am fortunate that I have a doctor who does not agree with high priced medicine. Even so, I can't afford even most generics unless they're on that $4 list like at Wal-Mart. I have decided to speak to my doctor. I'm just so tired. I think when I was younger it was easier to cope and hide things. But as I get older I think I'm getting worse. It gets harder to hold up. Plus I have to think about my kids and my husband.

Thank you again. I really appreciate all that you said.

I'm glad I was able to help you out even in a small way. I'm also glad you've decided you want to talk to your doctor. I know how hard it gets for me to do even simple things to take care of myself, and you're taking a big step in doing that. Living with any kind of mental or emotional problems is exhausting, but when you can get the help and support you need, your life can still be highly rewarding and enjoyable. I wish you the best of luck, and I mean it when I say you can get in touch with me if you need someone to talk to and you don't feel like you have anywhere else to turn.

xila31

I'm so sorry that you have had to live with this for so long without any help. I started having anxiety attacks in 1999, when I was 16, along with persistent diarrhea. My family knew very little about my problems, but just wrote it off as me having a nervous stomach.

In 2001, when I had my first well-woman, I told my family physician my symptoms and she diagnosed with with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. She put me on Ativan, and a pill for the IBS, but they only worked for a little while.

I started dating my now husband in late 2001, and I told him right away about my anxiety problems and he was so sweet and understanding about it all. After I met him the more severe symptoms started to recede.

In April 2005, my doctor prescribed me Lexapro instead of the ativan, that was the best thing that could have happened to me. On May 28, 2005, my husband and I got married and I was happy, my anxiety was starting to go away, although the diarrhea remained, but I was in love.

Unfortunately, the peacefulness didn't last. In January 2006, I blew up at my husband for drinking the last Dr Pepper!!! I was so mean to him and he didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

Luckily, my two best friends in the world are Bi-Polar, everything comes in threes , so I knew they could help. I spoke with one of my friends and I told him what I had been going through and he told me that I definitely needed to see a psychiatrist.

The first appointment was scary, but it went so well. He asked me about what I was feeling and thinking, and then he started listing off symptoms that I had but they never came to light until he said them. He diagnosed me with Bi-Polar Spectrum Disorder, although I am more on the depressed side of the rainbow . If it wasn't for the Lexapro, my symptoms wouldn't have been triggered this soon and I would have had to suffer a heck of a lot longer until I finally blew up.

I now take Lamictal as well as Lexapro. I am anxiety free and no more diarrhea!!!! The Lamictal is now generic and it only cost me five dollars a month at Randall's, which I'm sure you could get cheaper at Wal-Mart or Sam's. Ask your doctor about substitutions; some medications do the same thing but one might be generic and the other not, you may have to change the dosage around a little but just let your doctor know that you won't be able to pay for your medication and they will help you.

You need to take something and you need to keep taking it to get better!! As for your husband, I think once you have established a good report with your doctor, have him come to a session with you and have the doctor help explain what is going on. Once someone becomes educated about something they become a little more understanding.

Even if you don't have anyone in your "actual" life that doesn't understand you, we here do...so feel free to spill your guts!!!

My wife went through the ups and downs you described. The difficult part was when she lost her trust in me in her delusions. Medical treatment of such condition is absolutely necessary. Without it, the condition seems to get worse as time goes by.

If you have a financial issue, try your state-run health service - in Texas, it's MHMR, sort of, but the offices locally may go be any version or name.

You should be able to get free counseling, social worker help and free drugs from a free psych consult. It can be a huge pain in the ass to get from A to Z with these folks, but it was totally worth it for me.

Also, every pharmaceutical company will give you drugs for free if you fall under the criteria for low-income. Any doctor's office should have info, or google Patient Assistance Program. If you know what drug your doctor recommends, go to the drug company web-site and find their specific program.