I dont know what to do I have a 13 yr old son who is beyond out of control and has little brothers that are learning from him. I dont want my son end up in jail and thats how I feel if I cant help him turn his life around. He is so direspectful and hurtful He doesnt care who is hurts or who hears him or sees him do it . I dont know if it is his friends or if he might be doing drugs or why and how it got to be so out of control. I feel like I am hopeless and its to late to change him and that is the worse feelingn for a mother to feel like that I thought at first I was spoiling him and so when he didnt get his way he would act up then I thought maybe because he was allowed to go from grandmas to aunts to my place a few years ago when he would act up and it would be pour Dylan that maybe that was what it was from . At that time I had no control of not letting him go cuz of custody but he was still living with me for years . I thought I owed him something so I would let things go or when I would say your grounded I would never stick to it. I also stick up for him and make excuse for him I mean he is my son and someone needs to be on his side no matter how much he is wrong or acting up I wont be that person who ever gives up on him, but now I feel like thats not even an option anymore. He pushes everyone in his life over that line and usually it ends up in actual fights that need to be broken up. Weather its cuz of anger being mad or feeling hurt. I am afraid that someone is really going to get hurt one of these days if I cant helpl him. He has also started lying to me about where he is at when he is suppose to be at a friends. I have a million things I have running through my head and not being able to know for sure what it really is is only slowing the help I need to get him up . I am doing what I can to find out what it is, but not sure who to talk to or how to do it the right way. I know his friends and most of the parents pretty well he does have a few new friends that I havent met yet and only know about them through another parent because he is my son best friend and he tells his mom somethings that my son doesnt tell me, even she is seeing a change in her sons attitude at home and she was wondering to if her son is not always telling the truth to her lately. I need help on what to do I dont wnat my son to be disrespectful and hurtful and I dont want him to get hurt or end up in jail. I dont want my son to hate anyone. I am so afraid if I was to send him off to a camp or someone who might be able to change his life that he will only hate me more and make him act out more. What can I do to start turning his life around and finding out what the problem really is. He has always been concidered that brat of a kid and had anger problems I guess you can say but he will not let anyone no one know what really is the problem or why. He was in consouling but even then nothing. He was on meds with my mother and nothing. I gave my mother third party custody and he lived with her for a few years but I always saw him and was in his life thats when he was fuve I was 14 when I got pregnant with him . Its been rough but I know now I got to draw the line and do whatever it takes to try to make him a respectable polite happy bly that he use to be at one point and hope its not to late . He is the nicest kid ever not one bad thing from him when he wants something even if its weeks before he gets it he is perfect . Not a min later he gets it he is back to himself again . There are so many things beyond this I dont know what to think anymore . Please someone tell me something !! My husband is his step dad and I feel like he doesnt understand that I really do try to punish my son and I really do want him and he was raised with respect and to be honest and not selfish oh my son is so selfish its sad. I feel like he doesnt understand that its not about spanking or putting in time out now. So that makes things worse then we start to argue and then its all of us and always ends up bad. I cant and wont allow my younger kids to keep seeing and hearing these things because I already see the little one testing their waters with trying to run things . I have taken parenting class after parenting class and those are not even helping , my husband has not yet I know that would help the two of us but we have time for that I am running out of time for my son though. What can I do to get through to my son that this kind of behavior is only going to get him in trouble and not liked from anyone. That he cant do and say what ever he wants when ever he feels like it.
It seems as if :
a) he is using his behaviour to control you
b) he is hurting but cannot trust anyone to share his hurt and anger (except maybe some friends, who might be misleading him and supporting his destructive behaviour)
As painful as it is, you need to analyse what your relationship with him was before he began misbehaving and try to pinpoint all the possible factors that may have caused him to escalate his misbehaviour.
e.g. if he has lack of respect for you ->is it because your words don't match your actions? Is it because you have one code of conduct for yourself and another for him? You you do whatever you want and says whatever you want? If so, he might also feel that he is entitled to so do, now that he's a young adult.
Try to explore all the possible reasons. Be as honest with yourself as you can be. It's painful, but don't crucify yourself. There's no such thing as a prefect parent. Every parent makes mistakes. The important thing is that our kids understand that we're trying and that we really want the best for them and that we're in the same team as them.
Let him know you want to participate in helping him to lead a fulfillling and happy life. Let him know that you still love him, no matter how bad things have gotten, and that you apologize for the times you lost your temper.
Model the behaviour you want to see in your child.
If you don't want him to shout at you, don't shout at him even if he is shouting at you. Instead, model the behaviour you wan to see from him. Be understanding, listen, then, state your views calmly.
Praise him when he behaves well in a family setting, especially if he's behaving well in front of your other kids. You can say something like : "Thank you for being so helpful in laying out the table for dinner." to him and to his siblings, you can say, "See what a blessing big brother is?"
Never try to manipulate him into doing something just because you feel you know what's best. Instead, discuss it with him and let him know the reasons why you feel this is good. If he disagrees, listen respectfully to what he has to say. If he gets upset, back down and say," I can see this is upsetting you. Let's give you some time. Let me know when you'd like us to talk about it again" or something like that.
Don't give in all the time, you have to see which battles to surrender and which need to be fought and won (with calmness, patience, understanding, love and prayer)
Good luck. Every child is unique and it takes time to figure out what they really need from us. Don't give up, pray for him a lot, and pray that you are given the wisdom to help him in the best way possible.
For your other little ones, lay down fair rules, and mean what you say. Explain your rationale to them for punishments. THe punishment must fit the crime and must always be meted out with calm and love. Always have debrief where you reaffirm your love for them, and remind them that the punishment hurts you as much as it hurts them. Treat them all fairly.
And hug them and praise their good behaviour. One things kids crave more than anything, ultimately, is a parent's approval. I think we've all experienced that. Unless, of course, the kid has lost ALL respect for that parent. When that happens, they find approval somewhere else.
Mother of 2 teenage sons (and high school teacher).