So here's my story.. I'm 21 years old. Yes I am young. I've been through a lot for my age, and you're about to find out why. I started doing drugs when I was 11 years old. Including marijuana, cocaine / crack, opiates ( heroin, pills, opium, ect ), mushrooms / acid, ecstasy, ect. You name it, I've done it. I smoked weed pretty much every day from the time I was 11 until I was 18. I quit smoking weed because all of a sudden I started getting anxiety attacks from it. From that point on, I quit all the 'hardcore' drugs as well. The two things I continued to do were pills and alcohol. I still drink sometimes, maybe once or twice a month when I go out with my friends now that I'm actually legal and can drink at bars but I don't really have an addiction to alcohol. Pills on the other hand.. ugh. I can't function without them. I LOVE morphine pills.. I usually do the 4mg ones. I love OC ( Oxycontin ) as well too though, pretty much any kind of pill you put in front of me, I'm going to do. But as I said before Morphine is defiantly my favorite. I love my Roxy's as well though.. the 15 or 30mg ones. It takes me about 4-5 morphine pills to feel any sort of 'high' which is what I'm always chasing. I've been doing pills everyday since April of 2008. But did them recreational before that from the time I was 11. Except for an 8 month period, which I'm going to get into next, I've been totally strung out for years. I've tried to talk to my mom about it ( dad isn't in my life, never has been, I only have my mom ) and she didn't believe me!! She thinks I'm being a 'drama queen' and thinks that " I think I have a pain pill addiction " but really don't. She's no support what so ever. And every time I try to talk to her about it she usually never responds to me and if she does, she'll just change the subject or walk away. I mean.. maybe she's embarrassed? That her only kid is a drug addict? I don't know. Anyways, I overdosed in Dec 2010, and had to be hospitalized. After getting out of the hospital I guess the doctors / nurses strongly suggested to my mother to send me to rehab.. so she did. I went to a 3 month in patient rehab. Withdraws were horrible. They gave me stuff to come down off of, but honestly it was still horrible. Being 'dope sick' is the worst feeling EVER. I honestly think I would rather be hit by a bus. I would not wish that feeling on my worst enemy. It was hell, it makes me cry even thinking about it. So anyways, I was 'sober' ( of pills ) from Dec 4, 2010 - July 31, 2011. I drank a LOT during that time period though.. almost every day after I got out of rehab in March. My grandmother ( whom raised me, my mother did not raise me ) passed away on August 4th 2011. Hardest thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. It's making me tear up even typing about it. She really 'died' on August 1st, but we officially pulled the plug on life support on August 4th. August 1st was the day that I relapsed. And ever since then it's like I never quit. My tolerance is just as high as it used to be if not a little higher. I usually do about 6 morphine pills at a time to get 'high'. I've tried to make hints at my mother that I've relapsed but she doesn't even pay any attention to my 'hints'. My mother holds a very high position for a government agency, so I think she's scared of the word getting out that her daughter has a serious drug problem. I just don't know what to do anymore.. I'm so tired of having to depend on pills to make me feel normal or even to function. I can do 4-5 morphine pills and you can't even tell I'm on anything. All it does now is make me feel normal. Without them, I vomit, shake, sweat really bad, clammy skin, body achs, you name it. Yes, I could always go back to rehab I suppose, but honestly, rehab isn't going to help me. I tried it. I have a SERIOUS addiction to opiates. I just feel like I'm falling down a never ending hole and there's nothing for me to grab onto to pull myself back up or even slow myself down. My life revolves around pills. And yes I get them illegally so I can't tell my doctor to 'lean me off of them'. Any advice? I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sick of depending on pills to make me feel normal. Oh, and I probably should have mentioned this earlier but I don't take them orally. I crush them up and snort them. Which is another part of my addiction.. I love snorting drugs.. I don't know why. I have since the first time I ever snorted anything which was cocaine. Someone please help me, I just don't know what to do or who to turn to anymore.. I feel so alone and lost in my drug addiction. I feel like opiates are the only thing in my life I can depend on that won't let me down. Thanks for reading this extremely long thing, any advice is greatly appreciated!
I was addicted to morphine,oxi,and vicodin.....they totally ruined the relationship i had with family...i was taking 180mg of morphine,3000mg of vicodin and 120 of oxy every day...It took me to lose my family until i realized i had a problem...The hardest thing i ever had to do was admit to my mom that i was a addict....only went through withdrawls for about 2 very long and painfull weeks...I am very proud to say that today i have been clean for 3.5 months....I don't have any urges to ever use again...why go back and totally ruin my life again....No thanks
Hi Lovelife5, I have no idea if what Im about to say will help you or not but I can completely understand where you are coming from. Firstly, I don't think you can look to your mother for advice because if she hasn't been through this herself she is probably out of her depth, is scared and has no idea how to help you (you could ask for her support, maybe she could give you a bit of that). However, it would help if you did have a friend, who has gone through the same kind of thing, that you can talk too. Do you know a good, trust-worthy friend you can talk to face to face?
Secondly, you've realised the drugs are a problem and seem determined to get off them, so there's a start but it's when your withdrawing that it becomes a real test on whether you still want off, it is so tempting just to pop another pill and forget about going sober (and around you go again, back to wanting off the merry-go-round). So I suggest you do not go cold turkey, either ween yourself of them by reducing the dose each day gradually, you'll need to plan it out, work out how much you can handle reducing and in turn how much withdrawal you can handle (you need to withdraw a bit each time you reduce), when you reduce make sure you stabilise on that dose before you reduce again, don't rush it, keep doing this till your down to nothing and the withdrawal won't be so bad (this can be extremely difficult though- lots of will power and planning needed!)
Or the best option is to go to the doctors tell them you've been regularly taking opiate drugs and you want/need to stop, you don't have to tell them how you got your hands on the pills, addicts on other programs certainly don't, & doctor to patient confidentially prevents any unwanted information from getting out anyway - they should then put you on a program which will help with withdrawal symptoms and ween you off properly.
(If you do go on a program, try to reduce your pill intake before you start to make it easier.)
Thirdly, write a list of the things you enjoy and want to do in life that have been impossible, difficult or taken from you because of the drugs and aim at achieving these things when your clean (it gives you something to look forward to, when you finally have the freedom to be free to do what you want, without thinking of needing pills everyday)
But before all this, i think you need to sit down and work out why you started taking the drugs in the first place and why you have depended on them so much. Have they simply been a source of pain relief (only to bring you so much more pain in the long run)? Or is it something else? Until you work out the why and destroy those insecurities and problems it may be difficult to stay clean, finding that you keep relapsing because those problems/reasons never left, they were simply dulled but never dealt with. Take some of your own advice and "LoveLife5," because till you are clean, you can't truly be free and enjoy life to the fullest and 'feel' how wonderful it can be. I wish you all the best in losing that monkey that's constantly beating you down, you say it's 'never let you down' but look at all the things it's taken from you (and all you want is to feel normal again?) if you keep doing this you'll find yourself in your 30's and wonder where the time went - time you can never, ever get back, maybe you wonder that already (it goes so fast). So the sooner you start the better and easier it will be (the longer you wait the harder it gets - believe me!)
Anyway I hope this helps, I really do - just please don't ever give up, its a long road but there's always a way (you were sober and clean once - you can be again!), if you can do it, then you give me hope too and I'm sure it would make your grandmother very proud that you broke through those chains and got your life back. It's a long reply, but hope it helps, even just a bit. Good Luck again, LoveLife.
Im a recovering addict myself so I can definitely relate. If you can get into a treatment center again,it may be a good option for you. One thing to remember:once an addict, always an addict. That means we have to use total abstinence from alcohol or drugs. We cant substitute one for the other. I tried desperately to hold on to drinking but give up drugs, but every time I drank I would go back to drugs. It was only until I gave up both that I was able to stay clean and sober.
Tomorrow will be my 8 year birthday clean and sober.
hi I started at 21 and I am 31 now I used oxy then cheaper herion to fentanol I injected for 8 years I have been clean for 2 years not okay to wing your self off get a hold of some meathadon example first day I took 40mg the next day I waited till I felt the with draw and took 20mg the third day I took 10mg the dose depends on how much u use just get to that real low dose meathadon clinics keep you on the stuff and I heard harder to come off of also there is suboxin you put it under your toung and suck on it and it has an okay taste but what it did to me was threw me in full blown with draw for a few hours but after that I was fine take it for three days there is no with draw coming off suboxin and also it has a blocker once you take it no matter what you take you cant get high off a downer yes you will fell some with draw but if you really wanna quite you will do it then you need to learn to live your life with out the drug very hard I know I went to a rehab in abilene tx it was a 6 month in patient working rehab salvation army I never left the place to the out side I worked in their thrift store and could not leave for 60 day it sucked but hey I been clean for two years now you need to see a head doctor most people that use are self medicating I used just to function I saw a head doctor and found out I was bipolar and my anxiety was real bad I now take a non narcotic anxiety pill buspirone people say it sucks only cause they want to get high and take zanix being clean the buspirone I feel its affect I kinda like it lol but its not addicting I was taking seriquil but it made me feel withdraw sometimes so I take risperdal it helps with sleep to everyone says rehab dont work but how it worked for me is that I saw these 40 year old with no life missing teeth etc and I didnt want to be like him it was worse when I saw the old guys and have been in rehab like 20 times I was like please god I dont want to be like them the N/a and AA that I had to go to sucked every one just cryed wined and I could believe people been going to these meeting for like ten years I was like I dont want to be going to meeting my whole life just to stay clean if I clean I want it to be in my past and move on that sucks screw that wing your self down at home so you can have the comfor of being at home then go to a head doctor now my main drug was herion oxy any downer but hey I did the crack meath and cola but never got addicted to them cause I like downer o like you like the snorting thing I was addicted to the needle I just like shooting up and would shoot up anything I could now we both know that you will only want to clean up if you want to no other way it dont matter what rehab jail you go to you will get out and use again its all on you and up to you I wish you the best of luck