Hi Lovelife5, I have no idea if what Im about to say will help you or not but I can completely understand where you are coming from. Firstly, I don't think you can look to your mother for advice because if she hasn't been through this herself she is probably out of her depth, is scared and has no idea how to help you (you could ask for her support, maybe she could give you a bit of that). However, it would help if you did have a friend, who has gone through the same kind of thing, that you can talk too. Do you know a good, trust-worthy friend you can talk to face to face?
Secondly, you've realised the drugs are a problem and seem determined to get off them, so there's a start but it's when your withdrawing that it becomes a real test on whether you still want off, it is so tempting just to pop another pill and forget about going sober (and around you go again, back to wanting off the merry-go-round). So I suggest you do not go cold turkey, either ween yourself of them by reducing the dose each day gradually, you'll need to plan it out, work out how much you can handle reducing and in turn how much withdrawal you can handle (you need to withdraw a bit each time you reduce), when you reduce make sure you stabilise on that dose before you reduce again, don't rush it, keep doing this till your down to nothing and the withdrawal won't be so bad (this can be extremely difficult though- lots of will power and planning needed!)
Or the best option is to go to the doctors tell them you've been regularly taking opiate drugs and you want/need to stop, you don't have to tell them how you got your hands on the pills, addicts on other programs certainly don't, & doctor to patient confidentially prevents any unwanted information from getting out anyway - they should then put you on a program which will help with withdrawal symptoms and ween you off properly.
(If you do go on a program, try to reduce your pill intake before you start to make it easier.)
Thirdly, write a list of the things you enjoy and want to do in life that have been impossible, difficult or taken from you because of the drugs and aim at achieving these things when your clean (it gives you something to look forward to, when you finally have the freedom to be free to do what you want, without thinking of needing pills everyday)
But before all this, i think you need to sit down and work out why you started taking the drugs in the first place and why you have depended on them so much. Have they simply been a source of pain relief (only to bring you so much more pain in the long run)? Or is it something else? Until you work out the why and destroy those insecurities and problems it may be difficult to stay clean, finding that you keep relapsing because those problems/reasons never left, they were simply dulled but never dealt with. Take some of your own advice and "LoveLife5," because till you are clean, you can't truly be free and enjoy life to the fullest and 'feel' how wonderful it can be. I wish you all the best in losing that monkey that's constantly beating you down, you say it's 'never let you down' but look at all the things it's taken from you (and all you want is to feel normal again?) if you keep doing this you'll find yourself in your 30's and wonder where the time went - time you can never, ever get back, maybe you wonder that already (it goes so fast). So the sooner you start the better and easier it will be (the longer you wait the harder it gets - believe me!)
Anyway I hope this helps, I really do - just please don't ever give up, its a long road but there's always a way (you were sober and clean once - you can be again!), if you can do it, then you give me hope too and I'm sure it would make your grandmother very proud that you broke through those chains and got your life back. It's a long reply, but hope it helps, even just a bit. Good Luck again, LoveLife.
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