Haven't seen the doctor yet but I am able
to eat more, and it turned out that it was
not Melanoma.
I have been helping Tina move some of her
stuff to this new guy's friend's house,
and have spent the last couple of days
getting to know this guy. He is nice, but
impatient and not very understanding. He
gets embarrassed by her, and doesn't like
her level of public affection. He was
talking to one of his "home girls" and
Tina got seriously jealous, and later on
that evening after this guy had been fed
up all day by her behavior (her behavior
was that of what I experience every day,
so it's normal for me), and he was pretty
much ignoring her. She called me at 6 am
and let me know everything is OK, but that
this guy doesn't like a lot of the things
she does, like the high-energy, the public
flirting and affection, the need for
constant attention when he is around, and
the "clinging". Funny, considering these
were traits that I enjoy about her haha it
has only been a week and he is already
getting sick of it.
I talked to her alone for a while and told
her that if anything happened, she is
welcome back and she agreed to this, but
she wants to try and make it work with
this guy. She is getting fed up with his
behavior, like being ignored and him
talking to a lot of other women that she
doesn't know. It seems that if they are
getting sick of each other's behavior in
less than a week, then I'm sure it will be
over within the next 2.
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-10-08 14:20pm
A lot of people see affectionate people as
flirty. I had a friend that touched people
a lot because she’s just a real
sweetheart.
What bothers me about this guy is the fact
that you are around all the time and she
calls you, but it’s alright with him. He
obviously doesn’t care about her too
much. Personally, I would blow my lid if
my new partner’s ex was always in the
equation.
Is she taking her medicine though? If she
is still a little unstable it might
complicate things.
Andrew, are you sure that you can live
with this type of thing for the rest of
your life? It’s obvious that you love
her more than I can even fathom, but how
long will you be able to take this kind of
thing?
The picture that you are painting is one
of her in her ‘normal’ state, and it
doesn’t sound too promising.
Are you okay to take her back, forgive and
to brace yourself for the next incident
where she leaves you to go and have
intercourse with someone else?
Try and be realistic. It’s really hard
when your heart is broken and you miss
your ‘big/first love’.
I’m not condemning your decision, I just
concerned with your mental well being.
Emotional roller coasters like these can
kill your soul.
|
AndrewO
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 May 2008 Posts: 9
Posted: 05-11-08 04:50am
He doesn't care about her much. I took
them to a place called Psychic Eye, an
alternative religion retail outlet, and he
was pretty much appalled by what was
there. He has Catholic faith, so him
seeing Pentacles and such made him really
uneasy to be there. He doesn't want her
going there.
Another thing is his video game usage. He
plays Warcraft 3, World of Warcraft, and
Starcraft every evening. She despises
video games and sees them as a total waste
of time (which they are), and she has told
me that she doesn't like his video gaming
at all and that he straight-up ignores her
while playing these games on HER laptop.
I took a long drive to the top of Palos
Verdes, which is a sprawling peninsula
with very very expensive houses, away from
the main city to clear my head. I didn't
think she was going to call that evening
as I had already dropped her off, and I
was taking in the cool, foggy,
scent-filled ocean air at midnight, which
was a huge relief for me. She called me
and she said that she thought something
was wrong. How could she possibly know I
was troubled way out there? How could she
know that when the evening ended so
peacefully? She asked if everything was OK
and I said no, not really and dodged
telling her how I really felt about the
situation. I told her that I have fought
hard through many battles, and that this
one was one of the hardest battles I have
fought, but that I have been OK and trying
to make it through without beating myself
up or trying to convince her to come back.
I told her "it would be nice to be
together, but I will not force my wishes,
repeat my wishes, or do anything out of
desperation and that I respect the
decisions she makes". I also told her that
it was going to be hard, but that I would
make it.
She has been stable now for the past
couple days, so the decision that she had
made has been clear in her head, and she
is enjoying herself out there. I don't
know how she could be, but I think it's
the freedom she is enjoying, because he
isn't her ideal companion. I picked them
up to take them to a couple of different
places to get a sleeping bag and a few
other things. I was the only one to
compliment her on her gorgeous makeup job,
which she took an hour to do. He said not
one thing about it all day, and she told
me on the phone while I was at Palos
Verdes that he is only interested in her a
few times out of the day, and the rest of
the time is spent playing video games at
his friend's house or they are out trying
to find work for food. She is starting to
realize that her decision may have been
quite silly, and for someone with her
condition (borderline personality
disorder) to reason with themselves after
making a silly decision, this means that
she has made quite a few steps forward
these past few days.
I asked her if there was any chance, even
a sliver of a chance, that one day down
the line that we would one day get back
together, and she said "definitely, but
right now I just can't". I didn't force
the issue, and the conversation ended on a
very kind and loving note. She is sounding
very stable, and she is sounding like her
head is on right. She is sick of being
sheltered her whole life by her adoptive
parents, and sick of having me change her
mind on things like Witchcraft and
Punk-style clothing. The freedom she has
been having has allowed her to breath a
sigh of relief, even though she is out on
the streets and having to sleep in an
apartment complex's laundry room.
I am also torn, because this guy she is
with is actually not a bad person. Him and
I actually get along very well, and he is
young but smart, even though the decisions
in his life got him kicked out of his
parent's house. He has been on the streets
before, so he does know what's up and has
a support system of quite a few friends.
They do not go hungry, and during the day
they have a couple of different places to
stay. I also met one of his friends, let's
call him David, who lives in one of the
crappy studio apartments that has the
laundry room where they sleep. This guy,
David, is a incredibly genius. He is so
smart, and knows as much as I do about
computers and science. So, the guy Tina is
with is a very nice guy, a year younger
than I am and her age, but is very
respectful and we get along great. He is
cool to me, but for some reason ignores
her, so I could definitely live without
him.
If things don't work out the way I had
hoped, there is a light at the end of the
tunnel, even though it is not the light I
was looking for. She has already said that
we may end up back together, but for now,
she is being looked after and is safe.
They aren't roaming all over town, she
keeps her phone on and calls me twice a
day, and they have a couple of places to
stay during the day that are in close
proximity, and where they are staying is a
5 minute drive from where I stay. Things
could be a LOT better, but for now, I will
wait for her to make up her mind and
whatever decision she makes, I will still
support her as best I can, with money,
rides to where she needs to go, make sure
she has her medication. Sure, she is with
another person right now, but as I told
her and what she thanks me dearly for, I
will always be there for her when she
needs me (a commitment that I made many
years ago and that I plan on sticking to),
and if she ever comes back, I will accept
her back, I will help her get through a
specialized Borderline Personality
Disorder program, and I will continue to
be the best I can for her.
Most people, I'm sure, would have cut and
run the second this situation went down,
but my commitment to being there when she
needs me will never fade, and this
situation has proved it to both of us. I
have even become sort-of friends with this
guy she is with, and he is totally cool
with me helping her out because he isn't
quite able to and doesn't know as much
about her as I do. It may seem like I am
sick in the head for being THAT
supportive, but in my belief, when a
person makes a commitment, they should
stick to it and never give up on that
person, regardless of the situation.
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-11-08 05:58am
Andrew, I can’t help but admire your
level of dedication. It’s remarkable.
Tina is a very, very lucky young woman.
I gave my last post a bit of thought, and
I think I might have been slightly harsh.
It wasn’t my intention, really. I’m
not trying to convince you to leave her.
If you feel that you can live with her
illness (Borderline Personality Disorder
with Psychosis) then it is fine. I’m
just really concerned for your personal
well being.
True, she is complicating your life right
now, and as you put it - she is
‘disturbed’, but people like this need
more love and support than the average
person out there. Add the fact that she
was sexually molested as a child and is
promiscuous as a result, I think she needs
some serious help once she is back with
you permanently.
The poor darling didn’t exactly have a
good start. I know a lot of people that
were adopted as babies, and that in itself
leaves a very deep scar. Very few of these
people ever get over the feeling of
rejection. She might blame her adoptive
parents for the fact that she wasn’t
protected from sexual abuse, and they have
given up on her as well - another
rejection. As you said: the list goes on -
even some of the therapists have given up
on her.
Give it time. She knows deep down that you
are the only person she can truly trust
(with good reason) and that you are the
only person who accepts her just as she
is, and can give her the stability that
she so desperately needs.
You are still in my prayers, Andrew. Hang
in there.
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-13-08 03:43am
How are you doing, Andrew?
|
Birch
Moderator
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 4044 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 142
Thanked:13
Posted: 05-13-08 11:05am
Hey Andrew,
I read your posts and have a few comments
that I hope will be helpful.
1. You need to educate yourself on
Borderline Personality Disorder. You
didn't say what meds she was on, but meds
do not typically effect a personality
disorder. Additionally, this disorder is
alot about relationships, boundaries, and
how people cope with relationships.
Tina's behavior is classic BPD manifesting
itself.
2. Contact your local chapter of NAMI.
National Alliance for the Mentally Ill.
You will be able to learn about BPD and
meet other individuals who are dealing
with very similar situations. As awful as
it sounds, your story is not isolated. I
have heard stories very similar to this
for a long time now.
3. You need to understand that the only
person you can control is you.
4. I would recommend some therapeutic
help. You cannot do this alone! Please
get some other resources involved. So
many people feel isolated and become
depressed, or learn to cope with
substances. Additionally, you are way too
enabling. Helping your wife move into
another man's home? Are you still
married? This is not normal, and goes way
beyond being compassionate. Please seek
out some help, Andrew!
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 05-13-08 11:18am
Ok, i can't see this happeneing. How could
you be second best and not mind? She is
obviously in her right state of mind but
still chooses to be with him. In my eyes
she is using you and you are allowing it.
I think both of you need help. I know your
going to take this offeisively but thats
not how I mean it. This situation is sick.
At first I did admire how well you were
taking everything and working with the
situation but it's ridiculous now.
|
AndrewO
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 May 2008 Posts: 9
Posted: 05-21-08 05:12am
Willa Weintraub
wrote:
Ok, i can't see this
happeneing. How could you be second best
and not mind? She is obviously in her
right state of mind but still chooses to
be with him. In my eyes she is using you
and you are allowing it. I think both of
you need help. I know your going to take
this offeisively but thats not how I mean
it. This situation is sick. At first I did
admire how well you were taking everything
and working with the situation but it's
ridiculous
now.
Yep. It IS ridiculous. EVERYONE I know has
said "damn, I could not imagine being that
strong and persevering through that".
EVERYONE I know would have given up in
only a few days. The situation, well,
could be seen as sick. A person so
dedicated to someone they love that they
would fight through every bit of
heart-ache and continue to care for that
person, to grit my teeth and bear the pain
of loss and to still be there for her,
regardless of the circumstances. To be
there for her whenever I could, to keep
myself faithful and available. It can
easily be seen as sick, but every move I
made was forward, even though it felt like
walking through fire. I am a firm believer
in true dedication when married, in which
situation and circumstance doesn't
determine how dedicated I am. This is
something that Tina has seen in me, that
she never knew I had, and is what allowed
her to feel comfortable with coming back
home.
It's not that I made myself second best. I
continued to do my daily routine, and
added some new routines to the list given
that some things were different. I
remained strong, and even though I saw her
with him every day, I kept my cool around
them and still offered subtle hints that I
was not going to give up, hints that she
recognized.
She felt lost, confused, and that was
understandable. A person with BPD tends to
have those sort of feelings, and due to a
lack of coping skills, irrational
decisions are made. What she didn't take
into account was the fact that I was not
going to abandon her (abandonment is a
typical feeling of a person with BPD),
even though she was with another guy.
Well, a little over a week into this
ordeal, she called me at about 3 AM and
gave me all of the details of her
situation, and what he was like when
nobody else was around. Without explaining
every terrible detail, let's just say he
was emotionally abusive and completely
ignored her. She originally thought that
he was a great guy, but he turned out to
be a terrible person. He had deceived both
of us.
She learned to not trust some random
stranger, even though he may have a kind
face and use gentle words. She learned
that even though she may have found our
relationship to have its downsides, it was
not worth taking off and that we could
have discussed things instead of her
running away from the problems. She wanted
to come back the 3rd day out, but she felt
afraid of my reaction, afraid that I would
be angry at her. After she had learned
that I was not angry, that I was not going
to give up on her or her condition, and
that my commitment to her would never
fail, regardless of the circumstance, she
felt comfortable with telling me all that
had happened while she was on the streets
for those 12 long days. She felt
comfortable with coming home, and
understood that our marriage was not only
salvageable, but that it was still intact.
I was not helping her move into his house
(as he doesn't have one), but I was making
sure that she got her medications and that
she was making her doctor appointments. I
didn't want to be a total enabler, but at
the same time I didn't want her to miss
appointments or not have her meds or
clothing.
As for her medications, she takes Geodon,
Paxil, and we just started her on Omega-3
supplements. The combination of all 3
keeps her moods stable, and her thoughts
clear. Meds don't fix BPD, but they
certainly help. She is still on a long
waiting list for a specialized BPD
behavioral therapy group. She has decided
to go back to her old therapist, who is a
great therapist and worth all 70 bucks per
30 minute visit, and now that she is
stable and comfortable, she is going to
keep herself from being idle and is
starting school at the local junior
college next month.
Her and I never lost the connection we
had, and our connection now is stronger
than before. Many of you may think that I
am delusional and that the situation isn't
as I am making it out to be, but I assure
you, if you were here during our daily
lives, you would know what I mean.
It's as if a Reset button has been pushed,
and she is back to her healthier self. I
will continue to be sure that her
medications are available and that she
sees her therapist at least once a month.
Having known her for 7 years, I know when
she is absolutely content and comfortable,
and now that she knows for a proven fact
that I will never give up on her,
according to her own true words, she has
no reason or want to ever again take off
like that, to feel like she is abandoned
by me in any way, and with that comfort,
she will be able to be helped with her BPD
and learn proper coping skills. She
understands what I went through, and she
spent most of those 12 nights wishing she
was home with me, and regrets ever leaving
in the first place.
Sure, it was hard. Sure, it seemed crazy.
It hurt, but through the pain I guess we
all learn lessons. It's in those days of
complete inner pain where the lessons
hide, waiting to be learned, and her and I
both learned things that made us stronger,
and more firmly connected to each other.
If I knew 7 years ago, before I met her
for the first time, that I would go
through this, I would totally accept the
challenge. Seeing her now as the happiest
she has ever been, the most content she
has ever been, and the feeling that I have
knowing how happy and content she is, I
can definitely say that this experience
was totally worth it.
|
Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 05-22-08 06:31am
I never meant you were crazy, only the
situation. I apologize if you took my
words harshly. My interest was in your
well being and I see things from a
different point of view. I also don't know
too much about BPD but I figured that
since she was on her medication she knew
what she was doing but didn't care. It's
nice to have people like you in this
world, who love so unconditionally. I just
hope things really work out for you and
she gets the help she needs. Please keep
us updated Andrew
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-26-08 00:48am
It’s been ages since I’ve been this
grateful that my prayers have been
answered. I’m really happy that your
beloved Tina is back home safely with you,
Andrew.
I hope you will have many more happy years
together. Get all the help you both need
in this time, take care, and remember: her
mother is as happy as both of you are
right now.
|
AndrewO
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 May 2008 Posts: 9
Posted: 05-27-08 13:43pm
I thank everyone for the support and kind
words and prayers. It was a trying time
for us both, and we both learned a LOT
from the experience. As I said before, she
has come to understand that she shouldn't
just take off like that when things aren't
the best, and after many long, multi-hour
talks, it is apparent that she has no
desire to ever leave again and that she
wants to be by my side for the rest of our
lives (and after). Our compatibility as a
couple is remarkable, and we mesh well
with every subject and circumstance. And
now that we are constantly communicating,
our trust levels have grown quite a bit.
I am still looking for work, and now that
she is stable and happy back here at home,
she wants to go back to the junior college
and begin the process of working towards
her AA in Art (her SSI will pay for it).
We are both looking forward to getting our
own place, which will greatly benefit us
both since we won't be living under
someone else's roof. We have faced many
challenges these past 4 years, but with
each one we have overcome and learned from
them.
My mother was so happy to see her again
after finding out what happened. She told
Tina that she has always been part of the
family, and that she felt like she had
never truly "left the family". Having that
kind of support from my family helps us
both (even if Tina's family is far less
supportive of her).
We will both start counseling together,
which we haven't done before. It was
usually just her wanting to go in alone to
talk to the counselor, but now she wants
me to do counseling with her. She is still
taking medication, and with the Omega-3
supplement added to her medication
regimen, she's very clear-headed and
focused with strong goals in mind and our
future in heart.
|
Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 05-28-08 10:10am
I'm glad to hear everything is finally
heading in the correct direction Andrew. I
hope this continues and you both live
happy lives together
