Some history:

The love of my life, let's call her Tina, and I met in high school during our sophomore year. She was a seriously disturbed person, dressed all Goth with white face paint and black lipstick with Goth clothes, but the first time I met her I knew I found my purpose. I saw something in her eyes that very first time we met that told me she was hiding under all of that Goth stuff. We talked a few times, and she was totally into me. After a few weeks, I learned some more things about her, including her being adopted as a baby, her sexual abuse as a child, and her occasional visits to psychiatric clinics. She was/is a cutter, and has Borderline Personality Disorder with Psychosis, so she hallucinates at times but knows that they are hallucinations. Her poor vision doesn't help that any.

The more I spoke to her and the better I got to know her, the more I felt a connection, unlike any other I have felt with other girlfriends. In fact, she was 100% different than any other girl I had been with. I got attached to her, she got attached to me. My past is completely different from hers, as I have been in a stable home my whole life.

Well, she had to leave that same school year to go to Montana. We weren't officially a couple, so seeing her go could have been worse. I waited 2 long, hard years for her return, and not once did I have any communication from her, because her parents wanted her to be completely isolated from the world while in that behavioral health center. There were times I thought I would see her, and would jump out of my skin in excitement, then quickly recover when I knew it wasn't her. This happened about once a month.

Then one day, I was just kicking it at the mall, and there she was. I jumped out of my skin again, but this time, I didn't recover because I knew it was her. I ran up to her, said "hey" and she jumped out of her skin in excitement! We exchanged phone numbers, and began chatting again. After about a month, she told me she had feelings for me and I was like "well duh we have feelings for each other". She asked if I had any girlfriends while she was gone and I said "of course not", which was true. Our relationship progressed into kissing, and I told her that we didn't have to have sex if she didn't want to and a month later, we decided to have our first sex together. It was unreal. It was a connection I have never had with any other person, even though I have had sex with the other 4 girlfriends I had before her. In fact, all other relationships I had seemed completely trivial compared to what I was experiencing. It was perfect in every sense. I had devoted myself to her from the first time I met her, and at that point and time when things started getting physical, it seemed like the right thing. It's hard to describe.

Well, another few months went by and we decided to move into a friend's house so we could be together. Well, that was good but bad because that place was stressful as all heck being in someone else's house. Well, we stayed there for a little over 3 years, and during that time, the stress was getting to both of us. She began acting strangely, and I helped her through it. She would go up and down with her instability (as most people with Borderline do). She would go into these states of, well, like a dream world, and her judgment was totally impaired. She had cheated on me multiple times, but after doing so, she felt horrified because to her, it was a bad dream and her brain was trying desperately to "wake up" . I never held those incidents against her.

We got married on February 8th, and didn't even get around to having her name changed yet. Things were awesome, and she was as happy as I was.

But then it started to get worse. She would leave at night and go to the nearby park where homeless people hang out at night, and do sexual things with them. Of course, she was all out of it and again, horrified each time. We tried so many different meds and were trying to get her into a specialized program for Borderline Personality Disorder. Her runs to the park then became her reality, and she started enjoying it and feeling less bad about it each time.


The real issue here:


3 days ago she met a homeless hispanic guy. She left to go to her friend's house and never came home that night. I filed a missing person report. I was so scared for her safety, I walked that park until my feet were totally blistered. I got about 2 hours of sleep the other night, and then went out and started again. This time, I came prepared. I brought with me $40 bucks as payment to any bum who can tell me where she is and who she's with. Well, after most of the day of doing that (this was yesterday), I finally got a solid lead, that was backed up by another bum's info, and paid the bum the $40. I almost never came across this person, because just before I gave up, completely gave up and was starting to go home, something told me to fight the pain of the blisters, fight the fatigue and hunger, and go the other end of the park for one last time to ask around again. This time, a female bum called me over and told me where she is.

The info was she was staying with a hispanic bum in one of 3 locations, all of which are in close proximity. One of 2 motels right next to each other (there goes my imagination all fired up, thinking about the awful sexual things going on without condoms). I drove down there (not to far from where I live) and began the investigation again. No luck. I drove around a few times during different parts of the day with no luck at all. I gave up, went to my mom's house, and cried like a baby to her about what happened, something I have never done.

Today, after finally getting some food and sleep, I drove down to those 3 locations. I drove around for a few hours, and just as I was about to give up again, something told me to fight it through. To fight and fight the hunger, the emotional pain, and focus on finding her. Well, I turned a corner to head down the side way to the apartments (the 3rd location a quarter of a block away from the motels), and there they were sitting and smoking cigarettes (something she hates doing). I slammed on the brakes while pulling to the curb, threw it in park, and bailed like a Cop after a fugitive. I thought this whole thing was another one of her outrageous park incidents on steroids (she hasn't had her meds in about a week), and I called the cops. They showed up, and asked her some questions. Now, I could tell she was all dazed and out of it, and she was saying things like "I love this man so much, I need him like I need air and water", which were things she would say about me. The cops showed, asked some questions, and pretty much said "it's her choice". Well it is, but her judgment is so screwed. The really horrible thing is she is repeating exactly what her mother had done, her real mother, and she is starting to fade into the same darkness that her mother went through. What also scares me is she says he wants her to have his kid. A homeless man she just barely met 3 days ago. With her birth control though, that hopefully won't happen (she doesn't want kids at all) She isn't doing any drugs like her mom did, but she is continuing a cycle I swore an oath to stop. I had swore a silent oath to her mother (who died of a stomach infection I believe, because of heroin), that I would not let her daughter follow the same destructive path, but with Tina saying that she wants a divorce and all that, I am pretty much unable to change her mind at this point. At least I know where they are staying, and she has agreed to keep her cell phone charged and powered on so I can check up on her.

After I calmed down, I talked to her, saying that as before, I would take care of her. I will be providing her medications, driving her to doctor visits, and making DAMN sure she has her birth control. I will also continue to make sure she gets her SSI money and make sure her cell phone bill gets paid. I told her that even though she may decide to live on the streets with that bum (although he is a pretty clean looking bum, and about 25 years old), that I will ALWAYS be there for her, and she will always have a place to come to if he gets arrested again (he's on parole for theft), and that I will not hook up with another woman. I am 100% for her, and not interested in anyone else (of course, if her situation becomes permanent, I will end up finding someone else but will always have a big place in my heart for her. Heck, I waited 2 years for her before, I could easily do it again). She told me "you can go ahead and hook up with someone else" and under her breath but loudly, as she usually does when trying to make a point, she said "but that would break my heart". I can tell she still has feelings for me, and she knows how dedicated I am to her, even though she has cheated, and has ran away with this homeless dude.

I am hoping that this is one of her crazy Borderline Personality mess-ups and that she will come to her senses now that I have given her the medication she needs, but for Pete's sake, I hope he doesn't plant a parasite in her belly.

I feel like utter crap because I have swore to put as much effort as I can into taking care of her, and swore to her dead mother that I would not let her end up on the streets, and I am feeling like I have failed. I have NEVER given up, and I NEVER will. This has been a 7 year mission that I refuse to give up on. Even if it takes 2 weeks, or 2 months, or 2 years for her situation to become that of her needing to live with me, I will wait but at the same time I will be taking care of her where she is at and making sure she is clothed, fed, and has her birth control and meds. I will NOT find another woman, as my dedication to her is stronger than that of wanting to be with someone, in other words I am not afraid to be alone. Even if she has his kid and she ends up leaving him or he goes to prison again, I will take her back. Sure, it will be the spawn of some homeless person, but at the same time it will be half Tina.

Tina has told me on hundreds of occasions that no matter what happens, she will always come back to me. We told each other that our hearts are together for life, even if we are apart, and I believe it. I can see in her eyes when she is standing next to him the same look I saw all those years ago, that she is lost, trapped in this shell she has made for herself, and that she wants out. I'm not trying to "beat a dead horse" because the horse is not dead, it is simply trapped in a hole. It will be up to her to reach up for help, and I intend to be there as I always have been when she needs it.

I am not trying to be this "knight in shining armor" in order to win her back, and I am not craving her affection or needing to be "wanted" or "needed" because taking care of her has been my goal since the first time we met. Her adoptive parents have given up on her, her friends have given up on her, even some counselors have given up on her. I refuse to give up like so many others have. I have chosen to take care of her no matter what, and love her no matter what, even if she ended up on the streets. I am doing this not only for her, but for her mother who right now, wherever she is, is likely completely heartbroken. I'm not going to run myself ragged worrying about her or thinking about her having sex with another man, because this is more than about sex. It's her life I am concerned about. One of the things I am certainly thankful for is that she wants my help, and is extremely thankful for me helping her. She is not refusing to see me, in fact, she wants to still have me visit her. I am very glad that she hasn't gone so far off the deep end that she doesn't recognize proper help when she sees it, and that she still wants to have contact with me.

Sure, this is one wild ride, but it's far from over and no matter how bumpy, how high or how low, I have the strength to hang on. If she decides that she wants to completely break away from me, with no communication at all and wants absolutely nothing to do with me, then I can lay the matter to rest, ask her mother for forgiveness, and move on. Until then, I am always open to her coming back.