I recently was out, got black-out drunk and wound up having sex with a friend of mine that I've known for years...not a close friend by any means, just one of those guys that you know and see out every now and then (bar friends). However, the problem here is that I'm currently in a long-term relationship with my partner of 10 years. I have been beating myself up about this for weeks - actually to the point of being physically ill and I just don't know what to do. I regret it deeply...words cannot accurately describe how much I regret it...but I do take responsibility for my actions. I'm not using being drunk as an excuse. I was the one who decided to drink that night...however, I NEVER would have done anything like this sober. Part of me wants to tell my partner about it, but I'm not sure what good that would do. Sure, it would relieve my guilty conscience, but I think it would hurt him terribly. And why should I do that over a meaningless, drunken encounter that has never happened before in the entire time we have been together (and I will do everything in my power to never let happen again). I am not the cheating type...well, at least that is what I used think. Our relationship, however, has been quite rocky for some time (we haven't had sex for about 2 years now...and not from my lack of trying). We share a home and a nice life together, but he honestly feels more like a best friend and roommate than a spouse. We still sleep in the same bed, but he never even touches me...which, as you can imagine, makes me feel very unattractive and undesirable. So, I'm sure all of my pent-up sexual frustration combined with large quantities of alcohol and the right person saying the right things at the right time - telling me I am, in fact attractive and desirable - is what led to this nightmare. In the past (before this happened) I have tried to talk to my partner about how incredibly frustrating and sad the lack of not only sex, but just plain intimacy and closeness makes me feel and he always says "I know, you're right...we need to work on it", but then nothing ever happens. I try to initiate something and he says he's tired...maybe some other night, but then he never initiates anything with me...not even cuddling (and I am a touchy, physical contact kinda guy...so, this just confuses and saddens me.) I'm not trying to excuse myself for my one-night stand by saying all of this...I'm just trying to give some insight as to what may have contributed to the cause of it. And truth be told, before this happened, I had been toying with the idea of ending the relationship and starting over on my own, but then I think how sad and alone I would be. I would miss my life with him as well as our dog, terribly. I just feel like I'm in a no-win situation and I have no one to turn to. If you would be so kind as to give me your thoughts on this situation, I would be very grateful. Thank you.
What you are describing is indeed a very touch situation with many different layers and elements. It seems to me that you ought to think about what it is you are really holding on to in your current relationship. Are you still in love? Has it become more about stability and a source of company? It is very difficult to let go of the things we become so accustomed to. I think the most important question to answer is: are you still in love, mutually? It can be very sad to admit that love has ended. I know this from first-hand experience. You sound like a very faithful guy, and it seems that something must be very wrong in the relationship for you to have sought affection somewhere else. I'm sure in the 10 years of your relationship, you have gotten drunk before. So it's not entirely the fault of the alcohol. Personally, I am very open-minded in my relationships, so I would not condemn you for having cheated. Sometimes we hold on to situations that need to be let go in order for us to grow, for our lives to take a needed turn. This is probably one of the most frightening steps we can take, because it seems there is so much to loose, and we cannot see immediately what life has in store. But when we do take that plunge, for all the right reasons, the rewards are unimaginable. There may be a needed spiritual/life change that is calling you. These changes often come in a similar form to the situation you have described. We do something unthinkable, out-of-character, that forces a major change in our direction. At first we beat our selves up with guilt and shame, but after the dust settles we realize how necessary our actions may have been in shaking us up, in order to answer the call of our true path.