its a long story but I think,,, no..I know, Im finally ready to end this. I have no excuse for myself for staying too long. I suspected he was an Narcassist or bi polar, before I agreed to marry him. Regardless of what it is he was abusive in the past but it wasnt physical except one time. I thought maybe by saying he wanted to marry was his commitment to change for better.

Even though married him, shortly after I developed anxiety chest pains, I did keep my house and didnt fully move in with him. Although I only live two blocks from his house. Been married a yr and half but have dated or whatever you call it for 10 yrs. when he said we were Not in a relationship, we did more things together and had more fun. Except for the fact he cheated and lied.. since married, he has not cheated but its like he puts on an effort to be with me in public, but in private he totally ignores me. He has no interest in being intimate and lies about his online porn addiction. its like he has to have a lie or a secret to make himself feel in control.

today was the last straw,, (ha no pun intended) its not very funny really. Im feel very numb too numb to cry anymore.
what happened was I had been using his washer and dryer, went in to get my laundry and saw he was on his computer watching porn. I wanted to vomit. we have had arguements about his lack of interest in having sx or not having it. which happened as soon as we married. He swears he has no drive. Well he lies to the end, its amazing. I wonder if he has more interest if he is seeing other women. why I am not good enough and why did he marry me if that was the case? Its all so crazy if I think about it too much.

I am done and I hope I can be strong enough to stay at my house and stay away from him. I sealed my fate of ending it by telling him I knew he was lying, since figured out his password. If I even try to talk to him again he will rage at me and twist it all into my fault or that I was imagining things.

I need to let go of confronting and trying to get him to tell the truth. after all these years and all these lies.

feel very angry right now how I tried to beleive him about his disorder he said he had since he is 49,, he tried to say it is because he is older now, but he doesnt seem to stop watching the porn.

when I think about his personality in general, he is always either watching TV, playing online WOW world of warcraft,, gambling at video poker. when he wants to talk to me its while driving or on the phone.. the intimacty level has never been there, there is always a distractor for him. Also he is drinking almost everyday and on paxil.

How do I get over being rejected as a female? how do I not take this personnally? This hurts very bad .. and Im tired of wasting my life, my heart and too many tears over his lies. Im tired of feeling worthless and want my life back.

there are other issues, like he is very unsupportive of my family and my daughters. Doesnt help much,, I am seeing a therapist since he told me it was my problem. The therapist tells me to divorce him, he is not a husband and this is not a relationship. She is right. I think I am finally ready to do this.

any support or links of how to heal would be helpful..

thank you..