This is looong and can be complicated. So I guess read Part 1 if you don't like long reads. ALSO can I specify that telling me to "move on" is a bit redundant. I'm aware I have to get on with my life, but respect that I'm really looking for hope or at least ideas on salvaging whatever I can. This guy means the world to me. So if you read it, you're a true angel.

PART 1: Basically, guy friend [23] liked me [22] for two and a half years, basically gaming buddies and confidants, always "clicked". I started liking him back two years into it, and we decided to give a relationship a go. Before that could happen he's been deported to china [stuck living with his parents] and needs a job/money to get back into the UK. He lives ten minutes away from me when in the UK but I always refused meeting until he'd already been deported, I worried it'd jynx it, and wasn't 100% sure I reciprocated because he was REALLY into me. Things went well for the first couple of months; we gamed together, eventually talked lots about more intimate stuff and I was even interested in learning Cantonese rather than Mandarin. He's seemed increasingly irritable since being there though. Lots of drama happened, somewhat my insecurity/expectations but also his stubbornness and lack of communication skills, as well as his general superiority/hypocrisy traits. I'm not kidding, he is the embodiment of stubborn.

Note: This was always long distance, but we talked a LOT and over a long time "in each other's pocket's", as well as on Skype/etc lots. He was always all over me these past 2 years, but I didn't feel the same. We'd stay up talking on the phone until 5-8am sometimes, even occasionally before I liked him back, routinely once I did. He asked me to come visit him in Hong Kong lots of times, stuff like that, but you get the picture. We became closer than "just friends" in September, but he was deported. Guess he got under my skin, and I was already well under his. He was almost obsessed with me for a long time, but... I was so casual in the early days, and more so during friendship years.

To cut a long story short, in mid-December he got stressed from my nitpicking/overreactions/etc, he basically needed space. HE claimed I'd put him back on headache meds (* * * ). So I respected the space thing, despite not understanding. One of our "talks" on New Years, he said I should "make myself vulnerable", and "be less guarded", yet at the same time he said I was "too serious too soon". He said it takes two to tango and he can't match my pace, but I don't think I said/did anything he didn't! o.O

We were gaming/Skyping/etc again up until late Jan'. Another little fight ruined that. He became distant again, despite a couple of days a week after that where we Skype/cam'd and he was all over me some more. Then another little argument days later, more him being distant. Feeling ignored one day before Valentines, I emailed him semi-drunkenly, pouring my heart out about my frustrations. It didn't go down well; he claimed those messages only repel people, and how he's already said about distance and that I can't expect him to want to "jump into something like what we were before" the space ordeal (basically repeating his explanation from December, at least he's consistent -.-). We talked a few times after, albeit casual. Our last talk turned into an argument, he was so irritable. -_-

After this, he started giving me the silent treatment (well, neither of us spoke)... for a month. Why? - my MSN said that he'd deleted me (I asked about it, he was like "*confused emote*" so I showed him a screenie, and he said "So what now?"). So yes. I messaged him on the 19th March, sick of not knowing what's up. He soon replied...

He said that it wasn't one huge pull, it was a massive list of little things. He compared it all to a rubber band, saying how with no time to recover from the little fights and general problems that elastic band snapped. Said that he knows he tried hard because I put him back on his headache medication (just in December, presumably), (yeah, like taking up smoking again, stress and change in diet can't possibly be the reason. -_-) He ALSO said that no matter what he does it won't help, and "What can I do? And what can be done? I don't know".

So all in all: he's deleted me on MSN [not blocked - he's online 24/7, thought seems AFK lately] His Facebook display pics are oddly blank, when he bothers changing them (probably about twice), one a box of charges that's on his MSN, and another a "* * * * you" loveheart.

Anyway. After his above reply, he deleted me on Skype. -__- However he's not [yet] deleted me anywhere else, FB, MS, YT, etc. So I guess what I'm asking is, well I'm not entirely sure... I really miss him. After over two years of not caring much about him except as a casual friend, he became a lot more. I feel so silly for letting myself feel that way again after the last heartbreak. Am I wrong to hope that when he gets back home that things might get better? Is space really make or break? He's really hurt me, though. I must be mad for not hating him. -_-

I'm guessing... I just give him space, or at least don't contact him at all, which I know would be dumb. Guess it's his place to talk. Plus what could I say to how he's been acting since February. -__-? I just don't understand why he's become so angry and everything. I don't want to lose him.

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PART 2: Extended version... [more details]
He helped me through rough times with an "ex", who perpetually let me down, ran off and hurt me. Anyway I was well over my "ex" before I started liking this guy. So we said got serious, but it was still long distance because he was deported to China before we got to make anything happen. He needs money to come home. Sooo, late October and November we were good, we even sent each other stuff. We've always really enjoyed each other's company, despite having our own friends and such, we'd made plans to do things together once he's home. Even with him being 8 hours ahead of me over in Hong Kong, he would sometimes stay up until like 9pm my time just to talk, 'cause over here we'd be up until 5am some nights. December went bad...

Sidenote: He's managed to break down a lot of barriers I'd put up since the last guy. But I've got issues.
1. I tend to get paranoid, read into things and all that stuff. One of those girls, I'm afraid.
2. I apparently give off mixed messages. Getting back from my December surgery I said to him "I may have missed you", and he was like "You either did or you didn't" in an amused way, but eventually he was irked: "ugh. you can't expect me to get your mixed messages if you think we're something" then came massive revealing of his frustration, pressure "inteference" from a mutual friend and the fact he was put on old headache meds. He blamed that on me.
3. For some reason I failed at starting conversations, like I'm guarded or something. I didn't prompt him to get on Skype, or seem capable of approaching issues the right way. Maybe I seem hot and cold, myself. But he certainly became that way.
4. A couple of his comments: "You know if you're going to be someone's gf/bf then you're supposed to make yourself vulnerable so that person can see who you really are." and "Sometimes you say things like I'm gonna take the p**s out of you."
5. I don't like hearing about his exes, and once he even snapped at me [passive aggressive] because I was talking about my work placement at a nursery for my psychology course, he said "Keep talking about them things so I'll associate talking to you with her " [b] Ugh.
Background
• In December I was getting stressed/issue-y. Not sure why. We had a few arguments/misunderstandings surrounding it. He's usually a sweet and friendly guy, really, but it's like I bring out an irritable defensive jerk sometimes or maybe that's the deportation. IMs seemed to cause the miscommunication, despite regularly using Skype.

••• Night before my minor surgery [mid Dec], I ran off without saying bye or anything. Why? Because I thought he was ignoring me to talk to his friends [stupid, I know, he was helping a friend with his business]. Insecurities left from the last guy, I guess. It must have effected him because when I got back days later, he said I'd helped put him back on his old headache meds. I think I got paranoid because when he stopped calling me "babe" after a few previous arguments, or when I thought he was ignoring me [which he's pointed out a few times, frustrates him] which all stemmed from more miscommunication [thanks MSN -_-]. I just get so possessive, ahead of myself. He already said in early relationship that he was hesitant about me because virgins usually get clingy or something so he usually runs off from them. Saying that, I did nothing he didn't do! Then again maybe my doing the same was a bad move, clingy.

• He said he "needed space" so I gave it, albeit with hiccups at first, which made me seem even clingier x_x. This happened at Christmas, he did briefly talk to me every so many days and I let him initiate conversation. He did the whole happy Christmas thing and we chatted. His FB statuses were odd, like "wonder if it will happen again this year" [two years running he got ditched on New Years day], and my paranoia wondered if he was really referring to me... obviously he must have been. -_- On New Years he mentioned the ring I sent him [he sent me one, too, non-marriage btw] He said that his friend's psychic mother [* * * ] said "That's really nice, the girl who gave you that must really like you." and went on to describe me physically, and said that I was in pain. Not sure if he was using her as a cover for himself.

• In Jan we talked more, his irritability still mildly there. To help matters, I sent him a short letter in mid Jan with some things, nice, non-whiny. A sort of "I understand and I'm sorry" note. It did help. He seemed to like it but he really didn't respond to points I hoped he would. Silly of me to expect anything.

• We got really friendly again in January [maybe too soon?] and spent more and more time together like before, but I seemed to become demanding again, overreactions, etc. He pulled away at the end of January after a fight, one he began. See, I was stressed about Uni and he wanted me to download some online private server game so we could play together. Anyway I it came to this: "I know. I'm not stupid" -me, to something he kept pestering about... He replied, "If you're going to take your stress out on me, watch for the backlash" even though HE always takes his stress out on me. x_X So past issues were brought up, and finally he said, "If I were to be whoever I am instead of a nicer person as to who you'd like me to be with your 'feedbacks', I don't think anything will go far." and he went offline. -_- The irony here is he's the one saying I should be less opinionated, and basically to not try helping. We didn't talk for 6 days until I spoke to him first.

• A week later we were on track again. Then ANOTHER little argument on MSN [as always]. This time ending a bit like "I didn't mean it like that, but ok" - me. "ok" -him.

• So! Next day his Facebook status read "afk for a few days, back soon". When he got back, he didn't say anything to me, just poked me back [we perpetually do that] and was posting YouTube links on there. I get upset over things like that... admittedly I'm a bit clingy, or rather I take it as a personal snub. -_- That's when I sent the drunk-ish email...
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PART 3 [End bit]
Know what there's just so much stuff... few people read these things, with all the will in the world.

1) It was a drunk email but it did make sense, apparently not to him though. I pointed out how I didn't like the fact that if we're not "proper gf/bf" yet [his words] until he gets back to the UK, why is it he keeps wanting phone sex, and WHY does he act so hot and cold, like... our arguments seem more toxic to him than to me. He seems defensive, like I'm trying to change him? =/ I'd already not responded to his last attempt at the phone sex thing, the last time on cam. I wonder if it irked/confused him, because I'd been fine with it despite us not being "proper" until he's back home.

2) Email was bad idea. I yet again initiated talk [stupid, I know]. He said "messages like that only repel people", because what can anyone do to messages like that where he wondered what I was trying to say. [I suspect think in late January he may have seen a mild rant at him on my VF journal, but they weren't harsh ones, more like "* * * is going ON?"] I'm stupid for doing that stuff, I know. Maybe it really does throw people off? He might have meant that by "feedback" in his earlier "watch for backlash" outburst.

3) Mid-February: MSN Plus says I'm not on his MSN, I ask what's up [panicked when he was offline and typed "=/"] and he was like "*confused emote*" so I showed him a screenshot of it and he said "So what now?" and I replied "Nothing. Was looking to see if someone still had me on their list and noticed it said you don't." and he didn't reply... Then came the month of silence. Really didn't expect this from him, so things really must have built up, worse than I thought. ^ Reading all that I seem really clingy and overreaction kinda thing. ugh.

4) Him deleting my old MSNs did it. I emailed him asking what was going on, saying how unlike him this was, etc. ... He replied saying it wasn't one giant thing, it was little things over all this time that finally nudged him to this, and he doesn't know what he can do or what can be done, that "that rubber band snapped". -_- So I noticed then he'd deleted me from Skype after sending it. Feels like he really hates me to be that vindictive. Certainly wasn't so he didn't have to see my name, maybe more symbolic?

This is messing me up, I feel like I'm gonna explode. It's only since distance/relationship/drama that things got rough… I dunno which made it worse.

I really like him. I want to be with him when he's back, we click so well but just seem to have such different communication styles and issues since distance/relationship. [Me Libra, he Scorpio, if you're into starsigns] In short... I want him back, but more than that I want him to want us back. I just, want the guy I've known these years, the happy, funny and optimistic guy... not this angry person who's crept in somewhere along the time of us being "together" and yet "apart".

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Add-ons (not important)
About communication issues. He said once on MSN how he thinks I'm "too quick to react" a bit before our December fallout. (He was angry I reacted to his bad mood, and said I have no tolerance of his issues/moods while he has to tolerate mine, like when I'm too angry to speak to him). We've even had an MSN fight once about his real (chinese) name, and something he said made me think he was saying I'm not chinese so I can't ever say his name. He made me feel like I wasn't fit to say his name (his saying "I only respond to certain people calling me it") ... I even used the word "xenophobe" and I have no idea why.

I forgot to mention is that my "ex" got in touch with me having reappeared on a website I use (which I saw him on, and panicked about, which annoyed my guy). I told my guy I'd not reply, as he's always said there's no point and he didn't get why I reacted at all if I'm over him, and "don't give him ammo" and such. I did reply to the "ex" sometime around Valentines day, a few times, but didn't tell my guy this. To be honest I only replied because I was so frustrated, and I thought somehow "If I can talk to this guy after what he put me through, maybe I can learn something about myself and fix these problems with my guy". Foolishly I put a status on FB about it... just that I'd "faced a monster", talked to a friend on this status about how lame said ex still was. ... This is around the time of mine and my guy's last conversation on MSN, I think the silent day after, before I saw he'd deleted me on there. I wonder if my contacting the Ex did damage, if maybe he thinks I'm not over my ex. He never mentioned details about his exes (I forget the reason but something about it being destructive), and since he was there for me throughout my "ex" and that trainwreck of a "relationship" he also knew of my issues left over from that. I always got the impression he thought I expected him to be like the ex...

Something else I forgot to mention. Sometimes he'd say things like "What are you thinking?". He said it several times in our first phone talks after New Years. I said "nothing" or something random, not really what I was thinking or feeling. x.x I just didn't think it was a good idea to talk about those things so soon after he'd needed space. Now it's such a mess... as is obvious -.- I just want it fixed but I can't do anything, and I miss him so much it's crazy, and I feel so alone and stupid for being like this about everything while he isn't doing anything... although his facebook display picture(s) are a bit odd since his first blanking me mid-Feb.