I'm 19 years old and have only had one
partner, my current boyfriend. We're apart
most of the time as we're in a long
distance relationship but have had sex
numerous times.
I'm having some problems, though...
Firstly, I can't orgasm. Not without
touching myself, anyways. Sex feels good
but apparently not good enough for me to
finish. I usually end up allowing him to
finish and then that's it. It doesn't
really bother me, I'm not aroused when
we're done, so it's just...over. I'd
really like for us both to be able to
finish, though, and, preferably, without
my having to do it myself.
I asked someone else about this once and
he said that girls my age aren't usually
able to orgasm via penetration. Is that
it?
I'm also having a hard time becoming
aroused. Before I started dating him, I'd
get aroused multiples times a day,
randomly, for no apparent reason. Now it's
a bit harder and I'm not sure why.
Actually, that was before.
Now we're having problems
(and have been having said problems for a
few months now) and I'm almost completely
unable to become aroused. I feel dead,
actually dead, like nothing has been
going on down there for the longest time
and I hate it. At first it didn't bug me
but now it's driving me mad.
Why has arousal been so elusive? I know
why it is now, I just don't know what to
do about it. I'm not sure why it was hard
for me to become aroused before, though.
My inability to become aroused has made
sex very complicated...he can't even
penetrate me until he's given me oral.
And, finally, one of my biggest issues --
Other men can't arouse me. I've never
found other men attractive, my boyfriend
is it for me. Most people aren't like
this, though, and it's causing a lot of
problems because I can't understand how
his being aroused by other girls and
having crushes fits together with his
loving me. I only know of about three or
four other people who are like this (all
guys) and I've been trying, desperately,
to understand it. It pains me to think
that he might want someone else, that I
might be his second choice...this has been
a problem for so long now that I've come
to hate myself over it. I hate that I'm
like this and would give anything to be
different.
He's younger than I am and a bit immature
so I'm wondering if maybe it's his age
that makes him so easily excited. When
we're together, he's aroused about 90% of
the time and I find it difficult to keep
up with him. We can have sex about four
times within a two hour period. Mind you,
that two hour period also includes oral
sex and hand jobs on top of
the actual intercourse. It can be tiring
but I love him so I try my best to keep
up.
He says he loves me and wants to take care
of me, that I'm the only one, but then
there's his finding everything that moves
arousing problem...it's almost like he's
stuck between being a kid with
uncontrollable hormones and an adult but
I'm not sure. It's just...gotten to a
point where it's ripping us apart, I can't
take it and feel like giving up, not just
on our relationship but on relationships
in general.
Any advice?
|
Biani
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2008 Posts: 151 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 03-22-08 12:47pm
Well, i can tell you one thing, the being
aroused by other girls has nothing to do
with age. I can't tell you that ALL men
are like that, but i haven't met or known
of one that doesn't.
I was like you for so long... i had eyes
for my bf only. I couldn't understand how
he can crush or be aroused by anyone else.
But after so long of listening to him say
that he would like to do other girls, of
him saying that this one and that one are
hotter than me, i just started noticing
other guys. I hate that i notice other
guys. I feel unfaithful somehow. But i
think that i notice them mostly because i
feel unhappy with the situation with my
boyfriend... you know, the whole him
oggling and wanting other girls.
Guys claim they notice other girls cause
it's in their dna. That they can't help
it. That it has nothing to do with their
feelings for their girlfriends.
Apparently, they can see it as just 'sex'
with absolutely no feelings involved. I
think they just don't love us enough...
but who knows? I mean, sure, they have
eyes, they can notice if someone is pretty
or has a nice body or whatever, but to
CRUSH on another? That's just wrong.
I know what you mean about feeling like
giving up on relationships in general. It
seems like they're all pigs, right? It
also kills me to know that he's getting
aroused by some strange women all the
time. But getting even, which somehow
alleviates the whole thing, makes me feel
guilty at the same time. So, i don't
really know how to handle this either. I
think we're expected to just 'understand'
them and not make a big deal out of it...
but it's easier to say than do.
Sorry i can't help you with the arousal
problem, i have no idea why this could be
happening to you.
|
DarkDaysAhead
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 8 Location: ,
Posted: 03-22-08 13:02pm
I know older guys still get aroused by
other girls, too, but older men always
seemed to be more in control, more mature.
I always thought I'd end up dating one,
actually, because younger men frightened
me...and still do to some extent.
As of right now, my boyfriend only has
some stupid celebrity crush on Evanna
Lynch which I plain don't get. She's just
a little kid, no breasts, no hips,
nothing. She hasn't developed, she's got
the body of a little boy. It hurts that
he'd go for someone so different from
myself, it makes me want to lose twenty
pounds so I can be tiny and flat, too,
sometimes.
A friend told me that it's no big deal,
that men always fantasize about girls who
are "perfect" and unobtainable. If that's
true, though, wouldn't that make us, the
girlfriends and wives of these men, their
second choice?
I just can't understand how this all
works, I can't get it...I can't get how
you can feel all these things at once and
still say it's okay. It feels like it's
killing me, I'm even on the verge of tears
as I type this.
|
Maddie34
Moderator
Joined: 06 Oct 2007 Posts: 952 Location: , MN
Thanks: 29
Thanked:7
Posted: 03-23-08 00:41am
So you've been having sex 4 times a day
and you're not even enjoying it?
Have you ever just touched yourself during
sex? I can't orgasm with just penetration,
thats pretty normal no matter your age.
But maybe pick positions that stimulate
your clit or just have your boyfriend
stimulate your clit during sex. You could
even just do it yourself(Could be a huge
turn on for your bf). And I usually need
some kind of foreplay before sex too, and
sometimes when I don't lubricate I end up
having to use store bought lubricants too.
I suppose I don't know what you mean by
aroused, like you're not liking the idea
of sex at that point? Then why are you
having it, you shouldn't feel like you
need to just endure sex four times a day
just to please your boyfriend.
I suppose I don't really see anything
wrong with fantasy. I can fantasize about
things however when it comes to doing them
I wouldn't, maybe its the same for your
guy? Does he say things like "I wish you
were more like her?" I wouldn't be cool
with my boyfriend saying that, why on
earth do you put up with that? Do you talk
about how these things bother you? What
does having a crush consist of?
|
DarkDaysAhead
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 8 Location: ,
Posted: 03-23-08 17:30pm
Quote:
Then why are you
having it, you shouldn't feel like you
need to just endure sex four times a day
just to please your
boyfriend.
It feels good, I just don't usually crave
it. I do it mainly because it makes him
happy and making him happy makes me
happy.
Quote:
Does he say
things like "I wish you were more like
her?"
No, the closest he's ever gotten to saying
something like that was when he started
pushing me to wear a miniskirt. His ex
used to wear them because she was a dumb
little 15 or 16 year old sl*t who wanted
to tease him when she was on her period --
"You can look but you can't touch." I'm
not like that, I don't want to wear a
miniskirt. Firstly, it makes me
uncomfortable, secondly, I'm not her and I
refuse to be her replacement. He got upset
and apologized for making me think I was
and dropped the issue.
We've had other girl related problems
though that cut really deep, this one is
just aggravating things. Mind you, he's
never cheated and has said, repeatedly,
that he never would. This particular trait
of his just so happens to be one that I've
always found unattractive. It makes him
seem out of control (he doesn't even ogle
other girls, all he needs is just barely a
glance of a girl five yards away and he's
hard) and it makes me feel unloved and
ugly. That might sound immature but I
can't help it, I really can't. It's
actually killed what was left of my sex
drive. I don't really want sex anymore,
I'm tired of it already.
|
jinkazama
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Dec 2007 Posts: 24 Location: , USA
Posted: 03-23-08 20:40pm
I used to get upset about my boyfriend
looking/thinking about other girls too. He
explained it to me though. For example,
one time he asked me if I would ever let
him go to a Girls Gone Wild party, or some
other party like that. I said no because
it'd make me unhappy to know he was
looking at other girls that are acting
nasty. I'm sure all the girls
understand--why would he wanna look at
some dirty girl instead of me, the one he
loves? He told me that he doesn't want to
have sex with any of them because sex with
me is far better than any of those loose
girls--to put it lightly. He said those
parties just sound fun because looking at
naked people makes him horny. At the time
I didn't understand and couldn't relate.
And I'm one of those girls, like yourself,
that isn't attracted to other guys.
But a couple weeks later I was walking
home from work and on the first floor of a
dorm building I saw a guy getting
undressed, blinds wide open. My first
thought was woah, close your blinds,
buddy. You're on the first floor. But
later on I realized some other things I
was thinking--it made me feel like having
sex. Not with whoever it was I saw in the
window; it just made me feel like having
sex in general. I know what he means now.
So if it helps, try to think of it that
way because that's just how guys think. I
don't know your guy personally but this
may be the same deal with him. Just saying
I understand my boyfriend now, and we're
so happy together. He's not a cheater, he
loves me to death, and it makes him very
happy to be understood.
And you know how guys love Asian girls.
It's just a fantasy for them, my guy
included. He told me he wanted to have sex
with an Asian girl. I was upset at first,
but realized that obviously it didn't mean
the world to him, I do. He just think it'd
be cool as a new experience--see what
Asian girls are like, just once, and the
sex would have no feelings involved at
all. I told him if we ever find an Asian
girl he's satisfied with, we could have a
threesome with her, lol. Too much info?
As for the arousal issue I think Maddie34
is right--you probably shouldn't have sex
if you don't enjoy it. If it really does
make you happy, then I guess it's ok. I
think you should focus on what your turn
ons are and try acting them out with or
without him, depending on the situation.
But maybe you're just stressed out about
your relationship, so I think you should
get that fixed first so you can relax and
enjoy sex. Stressed people don't have very
good sex lives, so I hear!
I hope this helps, and I hope I'm not
giving bad advice.
|
DarkDaysAhead
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 8 Location: ,
Posted: 03-24-08 10:22am
I could never have a threesome. I've
thought about it before but it's never
managed to interest me. And I don't mean
that I'm disinterested in adding another
female, I'm disinterested in adding
another male, too. Sex with my boyfriend,
even if I have a hard time becoming
aroused, means a lot to me. When we're
done, we lay in bed together and watch TV,
talk, hold each other. He and I can be
anything we want together -- we can be
romantic or we can remove all the romance
and just be dirty -- and it wouldn't
matter, it'd still be us and it'd still
mean the world to me. Anytime I get
aroused, that's what arouses me -- the
thought that I'm touching him and he's
touching me and we're in love; I trust
him, and only him, with my body. He's the
only one I ever have trusted to touch me
and that thought is among the few that
turn me on.
I figure, hey, if he wants to have sex
with someone else, that's fine. I just
won't be waiting for him when he's done.
I'd never be able to touch him again and
I'd never trust him to touch me. It'd just
be over. I don't play games and that's
what it feels like -- a big game.
I was thinking about all this earlier and
I think I've discovered something about
myself -- I don't like being pushed. The
more you push, the more you throw
something in my face, the more likely I am
to reject it. My Dad pushed me to go to
college and, in doing so, stressed me out
so I didn't go. I took a year off first.
When he stopped pushing, I went. My
boyfriend pushed me to wear girlier
clothes, something I was already
interested in, but because he was pushing
for it, I changed my mind. Mind you, I
wasn't exactly butch before (I'd say I was
just an average jeans and T-shirt girl.)
so it irritated me that he'd push such a
thing. And now there's this -- sex. It's
everywhere. My generation has grown up
with it surrounding us. It's in movies,
it's on tv, it's in music, it's
everywhere. It feels suffocating.
Consequently, I really don't want anything
to do with it unless it's with my
boyfriend and even that is shaky at the
moment.
The reason I keep having sex with him
(when we're together) is because it means
a lot to me that I can arouse him and then
please him. I like making him smile, I
like making him feel good. It doesn't hurt
me, it still feels good for me, too, it's
just not as pleasurable as it could be.
|
run4life10
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Sep 2007 Posts: 110 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 03-26-08 18:54pm
I personally feel like if you're really in
love and satisfied with your partner then
you shouldn't notice other people. I don't
check out other guys, and my boyfriend
doesn't check out other girls. He always
tells me I'm the only one he needs and
that it's his love for me that arouses
him, and I'm the same way. He can tell me
when he thinks girls are cute, but he's
not sexually aroused by them. I can
completely understand how you would have
trouble getting aroused when you know that
your boyfriend is interested in other
women, I would be very uncomfortable with
that. I enjoy knowing that he is always
thinking about me in bed and not having to
worry if he's seeing someone else's face
instead of mine. I also enjoy knowing that
I know just how to arouse him and that no
one else can. To me, it sounds like your
lack of arousal comes from the deeper
problems in your relationship. For me, and
for a lot of women, I am incapable of
becoming aroused when I am fighting with
my boyfriend or when things are not going
well between us. You should not have to
accept the fact that your boyfriend
crushes on other women, nor should you
have to settle for being anyone's second
choice. I think you should talk to him
about how you feel, and if that doesn't
work you might want to consider finding
someone who will love you and appreciate
you for you.
|
DarkDaysAhead
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 8 Location: ,
Posted: 04-25-08 11:12am
I went to counseling to help me get over
everything that was bothering me. It
helped but now I'm back where I started --
last night at about 2:30 in the morning,
my boyfriend woke me up to talk to me
online because he was stressed out. An
hour later, he said he wanted to tell me
something "to be honest" with me but that
he didn't want to upset me.
Too late. Already upset.
He promised me he wouldn't watch porn
anymore because I don't like it. He
started watching it again a few weeks ago
and lied to me about it. Ever since then,
I've just been crying and thinking awful
thoughts...how can I trust him now?
I said that it was ridiculous that he
can't keep it in his pants for more than
five freaking minutes and that it almost
seems like an addiction and he said,
"Well, that's sort of what it is."
Fine, he can stare at his precious tramps
all he wants because I'll NEVER take my
clothes off for him again. I don't care if
he wanks until his dick falls off, I'll
never touch him and he'll never touch me
again. He disgusts me. And I don't care
who says, "It's natural.", he promised.
And because he promised I put so much work
into keep him happy, giving him pictures,
cybering with him, oral sex until my jaw
hurt, handjobs until my hand cramped, sex
until I just couldn't even get aroused
anymore. Screw him. He deserves to feel
guilty and crappy, he's a jerk.
Part of me wants to curl up into a ball
and cry myself to sleep and never leave my
bed again. Another part of me wants to get
back at him, do something to hurt him like
he always does to me. Obviously, neither
side is particularly good...
|
drchoc
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Apr 2008 Posts: 4
Posted: 04-29-08 10:41am
Hi there, seems like your problem is more
psychological than physical. I believe
the underlying cause of you not being
aroused during sexual intercourse is
because you are over thinking the event.
Sex should be a natural thing and not
forced. Have you tried a long foreplay?
There are several things that you both can
do to entice your sexual relationship and
all doesnt involve a lot of thinking.
Women have always had the ability to fake
orgasm and do so just to satisfy their
mate. Men on the other hand cant fake it,
since male orgasm is always with visible
ejaculation.
If your partner likes to look at other
women, try pretending to be one. Dress up
differently, change your hairstyle, your
perfume.. I know women has to deal with a
lot of petty things to satisfy their
partner, but its the way nature is. Women
likes to feel beautiful and wanted. While
men on the other hand just wants to get
their libido satisfied.
So my suggestion... try enacting scenes
from movies that both of you feel so
'connected', though the guy might not like
it, but if he truly loves you..he's
suppose to make his end of the bargain.
Like meeting on a bar, pretending to be
strangers, going on a motel.. etc... see
if it works! Goodluck!
|
DarkDaysAhead
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 8 Location: ,
Posted: 04-29-08 10:50am
Mm, I don't think I'd be comfortable with
that. I should be good enough as I am,
I've never asked him to change his hair
color or the way he dresses and it
wouldn't be fair of him to ask that of
me.
He seems to like sluts, he's always trying
to get me to change somehow. He's into
miniskirts and dressing like a naughty
schoolgirl and I don't mean as part of a
game, I mean on a daily basis. And almost
all of the girls he's liked have been
sluts. So if that's what he wants, he can
watch all the porn he wants, he'll just
never touch me again. I'm not going to put
any effort into pleasing him if he wants
everything his way, that's not right. I
hate sex, I just hate it.
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