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Q: Arousal Orgasm Relationship Problems

asked by: DarkDaysAhead on March 22nd, 2008

New User

I'm 19 years old and have only had one partner, my current boyfriend. We're apart most of the time as we're in a long distance relationship but have had sex numerous times.

I'm having some problems, though...

Firstly, I can't orgasm. Not without touching myself, anyways. Sex feels good but apparently not good enough for me to finish. I usually end up allowing him to finish and then that's it. It doesn't really bother me, I'm not aroused when we're done, so it's just...over. I'd really like for us both to be able to finish, though, and, preferably, without my having to do it myself.

I asked someone else about this once and he said that girls my age aren't usually able to orgasm via penetration. Is that it?

I'm also having a hard time becoming aroused. Before I started dating him, I'd get aroused multiples times a day, randomly, for no apparent reason. Now it's a bit harder and I'm not sure why.

Actually, that was before. Now we're having problems (and have been having said problems for a few months now) and I'm almost completely unable to become aroused. I feel dead, actually dead, like nothing has been going on down there for the longest time and I hate it. At first it didn't bug me but now it's driving me mad.

Why has arousal been so elusive? I know why it is now, I just don't know what to do about it. I'm not sure why it was hard for me to become aroused before, though. My inability to become aroused has made sex very complicated...he can't even penetrate me until he's given me oral.

And, finally, one of my biggest issues -- Other men can't arouse me. I've never found other men attractive, my boyfriend is it for me. Most people aren't like this, though, and it's causing a lot of problems because I can't understand how his being aroused by other girls and having crushes fits together with his loving me. I only know of about three or four other people who are like this (all guys) and I've been trying, desperately, to understand it. It pains me to think that he might want someone else, that I might be his second choice...this has been a problem for so long now that I've come to hate myself over it. I hate that I'm like this and would give anything to be different. Crying or Very sad

He's younger than I am and a bit immature so I'm wondering if maybe it's his age that makes him so easily excited. When we're together, he's aroused about 90% of the time and I find it difficult to keep up with him. We can have sex about four times within a two hour period. Mind you, that two hour period also includes oral sex and hand jobs on top of the actual intercourse. It can be tiring but I love him so I try my best to keep up.

He says he loves me and wants to take care of me, that I'm the only one, but then there's his finding everything that moves arousing problem...it's almost like he's stuck between being a kid with uncontrollable hormones and an adult but I'm not sure. It's just...gotten to a point where it's ripping us apart, I can't take it and feel like giving up, not just on our relationship but on relationships in general.

Any advice?

Replies(10)

Biani

replied on March 22nd, 2008

Experienced User

Well, i can tell you one thing, the being aroused by other girls has nothing to do with age. I can't tell you that ALL men are like that, but i haven't met or known of one that doesn't.
I was like you for so long... i had eyes for my bf only. I couldn't understand how he can crush or be aroused by anyone else. But after so long of listening to him say that he would like to do other girls, of him saying that this one and that one are hotter than me, i just started noticing other guys. I hate that i notice other guys. I feel unfaithful somehow. But i think that i notice them mostly because i feel unhappy with the situation with my boyfriend... you know, the whole him oggling and wanting other girls.
Guys claim they notice other girls cause it's in their dna. That they can't help it. That it has nothing to do with their feelings for their girlfriends. Apparently, they can see it as just 'sex' with absolutely no feelings involved. I think they just don't love us enough... but who knows? I mean, sure, they have eyes, they can notice if someone is pretty or has a nice body or whatever, but to CRUSH on another? That's just wrong.
I know what you mean about feeling like giving up on relationships in general. It seems like they're all pigs, right? It also kills me to know that he's getting aroused by some strange women all the time. But getting even, which somehow alleviates the whole thing, makes me feel guilty at the same time. So, i don't really know how to handle this either. I think we're expected to just 'understand' them and not make a big deal out of it... but it's easier to say than do.

Sorry i can't help you with the arousal problem, i have no idea why this could be happening to you.

DarkDaysAhead

replied on March 22nd, 2008

New User

I know older guys still get aroused by other girls, too, but older men always seemed to be more in control, more mature. I always thought I'd end up dating one, actually, because younger men frightened me...and still do to some extent.

As of right now, my boyfriend only has some stupid celebrity crush on Evanna Lynch which I plain don't get. She's just a little kid, no breasts, no hips, nothing. She hasn't developed, she's got the body of a little boy. It hurts that he'd go for someone so different from myself, it makes me want to lose twenty pounds so I can be tiny and flat, too, sometimes.

A friend told me that it's no big deal, that men always fantasize about girls who are "perfect" and unobtainable. If that's true, though, wouldn't that make us, the girlfriends and wives of these men, their second choice?

I just can't understand how this all works, I can't get it...I can't get how you can feel all these things at once and still say it's okay. It feels like it's killing me, I'm even on the verge of tears as I type this. Crying or Very sad

Maddie34

replied on March 23rd, 2008

Moderator

So you've been having sex 4 times a day and you're not even enjoying it?

Have you ever just touched yourself during sex? I can't orgasm with just penetration, thats pretty normal no matter your age. But maybe pick positions that stimulate your clit or just have your boyfriend stimulate your clit during sex. You could even just do it yourself(Could be a huge turn on for your bf). And I usually need some kind of foreplay before sex too, and sometimes when I don't lubricate I end up having to use store bought lubricants too. I suppose I don't know what you mean by aroused, like you're not liking the idea of sex at that point? Then why are you having it, you shouldn't feel like you need to just endure sex four times a day just to please your boyfriend.

I suppose I don't really see anything wrong with fantasy. I can fantasize about things however when it comes to doing them I wouldn't, maybe its the same for your guy? Does he say things like "I wish you were more like her?" I wouldn't be cool with my boyfriend saying that, why on earth do you put up with that? Do you talk about how these things bother you? What does having a crush consist of?

DarkDaysAhead

replied on March 23rd, 2008

New User

Quote:

Then why are you having it, you shouldn't feel like you need to just endure sex four times a day just to please your boyfriend.

It feels good, I just don't usually crave it. I do it mainly because it makes him happy and making him happy makes me happy.

Quote:

Does he say things like "I wish you were more like her?"

No, the closest he's ever gotten to saying something like that was when he started pushing me to wear a miniskirt. His ex used to wear them because she was a dumb little 15 or 16 year old sl*t who wanted to tease him when she was on her period -- "You can look but you can't touch." I'm not like that, I don't want to wear a miniskirt. Firstly, it makes me uncomfortable, secondly, I'm not her and I refuse to be her replacement. He got upset and apologized for making me think I was and dropped the issue.

We've had other girl related problems though that cut really deep, this one is just aggravating things. Mind you, he's never cheated and has said, repeatedly, that he never would. This particular trait of his just so happens to be one that I've always found unattractive. It makes him seem out of control (he doesn't even ogle other girls, all he needs is just barely a glance of a girl five yards away and he's hard) and it makes me feel unloved and ugly. That might sound immature but I can't help it, I really can't. It's actually killed what was left of my sex drive. I don't really want sex anymore, I'm tired of it already. Crying or Very sad

jinkazama

replied on March 23rd, 2008

New User

I used to get upset about my boyfriend looking/thinking about other girls too. He explained it to me though. For example, one time he asked me if I would ever let him go to a Girls Gone Wild party, or some other party like that. I said no because it'd make me unhappy to know he was looking at other girls that are acting nasty. I'm sure all the girls understand--why would he wanna look at some dirty girl instead of me, the one he loves? He told me that he doesn't want to have sex with any of them because sex with me is far better than any of those loose girls--to put it lightly. He said those parties just sound fun because looking at naked people makes him horny. At the time I didn't understand and couldn't relate. And I'm one of those girls, like yourself, that isn't attracted to other guys.

But a couple weeks later I was walking home from work and on the first floor of a dorm building I saw a guy getting undressed, blinds wide open. My first thought was woah, close your blinds, buddy. You're on the first floor. But later on I realized some other things I was thinking--it made me feel like having sex. Not with whoever it was I saw in the window; it just made me feel like having sex in general. I know what he means now. So if it helps, try to think of it that way because that's just how guys think. I don't know your guy personally but this may be the same deal with him. Just saying I understand my boyfriend now, and we're so happy together. He's not a cheater, he loves me to death, and it makes him very happy to be understood.

And you know how guys love Asian girls. It's just a fantasy for them, my guy included. He told me he wanted to have sex with an Asian girl. I was upset at first, but realized that obviously it didn't mean the world to him, I do. He just think it'd be cool as a new experience--see what Asian girls are like, just once, and the sex would have no feelings involved at all. I told him if we ever find an Asian girl he's satisfied with, we could have a threesome with her, lol. Too much info?

As for the arousal issue I think Maddie34 is right--you probably shouldn't have sex if you don't enjoy it. If it really does make you happy, then I guess it's ok. I think you should focus on what your turn ons are and try acting them out with or without him, depending on the situation. But maybe you're just stressed out about your relationship, so I think you should get that fixed first so you can relax and enjoy sex. Stressed people don't have very good sex lives, so I hear!

I hope this helps, and I hope I'm not giving bad advice.

DarkDaysAhead

replied on March 24th, 2008

New User

I could never have a threesome. I've thought about it before but it's never managed to interest me. And I don't mean that I'm disinterested in adding another female, I'm disinterested in adding another male, too. Sex with my boyfriend, even if I have a hard time becoming aroused, means a lot to me. When we're done, we lay in bed together and watch TV, talk, hold each other. He and I can be anything we want together -- we can be romantic or we can remove all the romance and just be dirty -- and it wouldn't matter, it'd still be us and it'd still mean the world to me. Anytime I get aroused, that's what arouses me -- the thought that I'm touching him and he's touching me and we're in love; I trust him, and only him, with my body. He's the only one I ever have trusted to touch me and that thought is among the few that turn me on.

I figure, hey, if he wants to have sex with someone else, that's fine. I just won't be waiting for him when he's done. I'd never be able to touch him again and I'd never trust him to touch me. It'd just be over. I don't play games and that's what it feels like -- a big game.

I was thinking about all this earlier and I think I've discovered something about myself -- I don't like being pushed. The more you push, the more you throw something in my face, the more likely I am to reject it. My Dad pushed me to go to college and, in doing so, stressed me out so I didn't go. I took a year off first. When he stopped pushing, I went. My boyfriend pushed me to wear girlier clothes, something I was already interested in, but because he was pushing for it, I changed my mind. Mind you, I wasn't exactly butch before (I'd say I was just an average jeans and T-shirt girl.) so it irritated me that he'd push such a thing. And now there's this -- sex. It's everywhere. My generation has grown up with it surrounding us. It's in movies, it's on tv, it's in music, it's everywhere. It feels suffocating. Consequently, I really don't want anything to do with it unless it's with my boyfriend and even that is shaky at the moment.

The reason I keep having sex with him (when we're together) is because it means a lot to me that I can arouse him and then please him. I like making him smile, I like making him feel good. It doesn't hurt me, it still feels good for me, too, it's just not as pleasurable as it could be.

run4life10

replied on March 26th, 2008

Experienced User

I personally feel like if you're really in love and satisfied with your partner then you shouldn't notice other people. I don't check out other guys, and my boyfriend doesn't check out other girls. He always tells me I'm the only one he needs and that it's his love for me that arouses him, and I'm the same way. He can tell me when he thinks girls are cute, but he's not sexually aroused by them. I can completely understand how you would have trouble getting aroused when you know that your boyfriend is interested in other women, I would be very uncomfortable with that. I enjoy knowing that he is always thinking about me in bed and not having to worry if he's seeing someone else's face instead of mine. I also enjoy knowing that I know just how to arouse him and that no one else can. To me, it sounds like your lack of arousal comes from the deeper problems in your relationship. For me, and for a lot of women, I am incapable of becoming aroused when I am fighting with my boyfriend or when things are not going well between us. You should not have to accept the fact that your boyfriend crushes on other women, nor should you have to settle for being anyone's second choice. I think you should talk to him about how you feel, and if that doesn't work you might want to consider finding someone who will love you and appreciate you for you.

DarkDaysAhead

replied on April 25th, 2008

New User

I went to counseling to help me get over everything that was bothering me. It helped but now I'm back where I started -- last night at about 2:30 in the morning, my boyfriend woke me up to talk to me online because he was stressed out. An hour later, he said he wanted to tell me something "to be honest" with me but that he didn't want to upset me.

Too late. Already upset.

He promised me he wouldn't watch porn anymore because I don't like it. He started watching it again a few weeks ago and lied to me about it. Ever since then, I've just been crying and thinking awful thoughts...how can I trust him now?

I said that it was ridiculous that he can't keep it in his pants for more than five freaking minutes and that it almost seems like an addiction and he said, "Well, that's sort of what it is."

Fine, he can stare at his precious tramps all he wants because I'll NEVER take my clothes off for him again. I don't care if he wanks until his dick falls off, I'll never touch him and he'll never touch me again. He disgusts me. And I don't care who says, "It's natural.", he promised. And because he promised I put so much work into keep him happy, giving him pictures, cybering with him, oral sex until my jaw hurt, handjobs until my hand cramped, sex until I just couldn't even get aroused anymore. Screw him. He deserves to feel guilty and crappy, he's a jerk.

Part of me wants to curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep and never leave my bed again. Another part of me wants to get back at him, do something to hurt him like he always does to me. Obviously, neither side is particularly good... Sad

drchoc

replied on April 29th, 2008

New User

Hi there, seems like your problem is more psychological than physical. I believe the underlying cause of you not being aroused during sexual intercourse is because you are over thinking the event. Sex should be a natural thing and not forced. Have you tried a long foreplay? There are several things that you both can do to entice your sexual relationship and all doesnt involve a lot of thinking.

Women have always had the ability to fake orgasm and do so just to satisfy their mate. Men on the other hand cant fake it, since male orgasm is always with visible ejaculation.

If your partner likes to look at other women, try pretending to be one. Dress up differently, change your hairstyle, your perfume.. I know women has to deal with a lot of petty things to satisfy their partner, but its the way nature is. Women likes to feel beautiful and wanted. While men on the other hand just wants to get their libido satisfied.

So my suggestion... try enacting scenes from movies that both of you feel so 'connected', though the guy might not like it, but if he truly loves you..he's suppose to make his end of the bargain. Like meeting on a bar, pretending to be strangers, going on a motel.. etc... see if it works! Goodluck!

DarkDaysAhead

replied on April 29th, 2008

New User

Mm, I don't think I'd be comfortable with that. I should be good enough as I am, I've never asked him to change his hair color or the way he dresses and it wouldn't be fair of him to ask that of me.

He seems to like sluts, he's always trying to get me to change somehow. He's into miniskirts and dressing like a naughty schoolgirl and I don't mean as part of a game, I mean on a daily basis. And almost all of the girls he's liked have been sluts. So if that's what he wants, he can watch all the porn he wants, he'll just never touch me again. I'm not going to put any effort into pleasing him if he wants everything his way, that's not right. I hate sex, I just hate it. Crying or Very sad

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