I think I'm doing what I had the impression we were all trying to do, figure out how to get by in the world, come up with a "way", a way of life, that is ethical about the world around us and fulfilling for our own development, so the belief structure that I build is meant to make the world, specifically the world around me, a beter place; I remember complaining to some girlfriend, who complained about my belief system being unlike anyone elses, that I wanted to be able to benefit from my own ideas, no matter how unique they may be, and by communicating these ideas I am only trying to share, not scare, evreybody. Of course it's wide open to interpretation what "better" consists of; I sympathize with the anti technology unabomber, that technology is bad for humanity, so in my "better" people live more simply, and of course not all of them consider that "better", but like I said I'm not in law enforcement or politics, so I don't try to impose my view on those around me. My wife, she is the capitalist that keeps my communist core viable, when I first moved out to california my beliefs, and the way of carrying them out, led me to loose all my posessions several times, so I know I need a family of caretakers to watch out for me if I'm gonna go on likie this in the world. I'll say that reading too many philosophy books makes it harder to assimilate in western society, no way I'm not gonna stick out, unless I douse the shining red nose with mud like rudholf, but that never works for long. Gotta shine, gotta just be myself. So what happened in this little personality disorder here, is that I never trusted my parents or the authorites - teachers, priests, nuns - to explain the world to me. At first I asked them what's the nature of all this, what's going on here, where did all this come from, and expected something satisfactory, but no, they all started acting weird, nervous, like they not only didn't know, but were very worried about what the answer might be! So I decided to try to figure it out for myself, because what they were telling me was nonsense, for instance gravity, or all the other blatant wrong ideas in science today, and in the ways of mankind, the driving of automobiles, nobody can tell me why they do that! so I figure out my "ytivarg" concept, the opposite of gravity, then are any others around me better off? no. not even me if you mean financially, but it's a hobby that is satisfying, I walk around in a non-0ordinary universe model, it gives me contentment. The ideas of philosophy and religion make me a more giving person than is common in america anyway, and the insights I have into psychology make me a good listener and helpful counselor ffor lots of people who talk to me. If I had not plumbed the depths, I would not be as useful a guide, though I think it's often lost on those around me, so I gotta do it for just me, and I do; Most people don';t care what I've figured out, and would be just as happy or happier if I'd just sit down and stay simple, and maybe they have a point, but I think all people are different, some have a poison inside that makes them jump up with a penetrating gaze and pervade the world around them with rays of understanding, then hold the object of their understanding beofre themslves and experiment with different beliefs, different ways of looking at things, looking for new ways, tiger circumambulating the medicine altar looking for new transformations.
Am I just too self centered, in my own mind here? I realize there is a world out there, a world of people who don't care about my delusions, my non-ordinary universe, and I mean them no harm, I don't know why that majority act kind of threatened by me, I realize my place in life is that I am different, kind of alone, but by 45 years old I've gotten used to it, I try to be ethical, not to tease the people around me.
Oh I guess overall it is annoying to the world that I do what I do, I'm like a demon or something compared to the regular power structure. I guess they could have done without this, but I don't feel too guilty, I'm an unreality check, people get all involved in their reality and I come along and shake them up a little, seems appropriate enough to me. Then again I'm no humanist. I'm like the whales, putting together a song about my world, and singing it out, and changing it gradually, over time, according to inner direction and experiences and development. Learning informs behavior, but more importantly, it mass-dampens it, you know? Like a bunch of rods in a nuclear reactor, in the face of an oncoming flow, that tend to shake, and are then stiffened by adding density, the "mass dampening" paramenter, well, I think the little kids, they come out full of Way and they go spending it like it's burning a hole in their pocket. Always looking for something to "do". The way is like an allowance, and the universe teaches me to save mine, stop spending it all, put some away for retirement, or for the spontaneous moment when you are supposed to blow it all.
and you could call that song that the whale sings "adornment", but it's alot more than the typical earings on a girl and when you ask her what they mean she says they just "look pretty"; there's more to this adornment than that!
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