I have been in a very intense relationship for 10 years now… i met him when I was 17 and we started to date when I was 18… he was 31. Although he never actually hit me… he was very controlling and we had very violent fights every other week for as long as I can remember. After one fight on New Years Eve 2007, he called friend of mine and left two messages on her machine threatening her life. She, who had also experienced his temper in the past, decided that she was going to call the police, he was arrested and put on probation.
After that, I felt like I had to get out of the relationship once and for all. I found it almost impossible to leave him…. and I ended up doing the worst thing any woman could ever do to a man… I cheated on him for 3 months with someone her knew and disliked very much.
He always told me that if I ever cheated he would kill me and the other man… and when he found out that I had slept with this other man I really did fear for my life.
He started by asking me detailed questions about the affair and then he started beating me. My whole body was covered in bruises…. he cut off my hair… he wouldn't let me sleep at night… kept questioning me and beating me… he messed with my head, he had me living in a dream-like state of fear for over a year. I ran away a couple of times in the middle of the night because I couldn't take the beatings anymore, but he tracked me down. He also sexually abused me, made me sleep with disgusting men off the internet for money and marijuana, or just for punishment... and he would watch and sometimes take pictures. Neither of us could work because of the state we were in so we literally lived off of my prostitution. As hard as he was on me it was equally as hard for me to see and experience the pain he was going through over my affair, and the embarrassment of my cheating. I was afraid to leave him because I still loved him and I felt like he was capable of killing himself.
After 2 years, I had gotten pregnant and had twins. Things were still very hard after the twins were born, he loved me but he also hated me and we would fight a lot and there was still some violence and sexual abuse.
Because the beatings were so bad I had been scared to tell the WHOLE truth about some of the things I had done during the affair... and a couple of months ago... almost 4 years after the affair, after we had had a third child… I decided I could not keep lying to him and I told him the rest of the truth. It wasn't much, but to him it was waaaaay too much! He questioned and beat me for a whole month straight, basically all through this past August. He started sexually abusing me again, just like he did the first time... except now I had 3 kids to take care of. I wasn't sleeping, i wasn't eating, i was living in an enormous amount of fear… my anxiety was overwhelming... i felt like I wasn't going to make it out alive. I was living with someone who hated me, who couldn't look at me or deal with me without feeling violent.
This lasted for a whole month…. and then he slowly started calming down.
It's now October and he wants to put the past behind us, move on and be a happy family for once. I still love him, I don't want to be with anyone else, and we have 3 amazing children together BUT… I feel so messed up by what has happened to me, and to us as a couple in the past 4 years... I feel like I will never be happy again. I am always scared, anxious, depressed, disgusted, regretful, embarrassed, I feel all day every day like I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I feel like even if my hubby controls himself from now on (which i don't truly trust that he will) I will still never feel safe and be happy. I feel like i cant believe this is my life, like this is a nightmare that I cant wake up from. I love my hubby, but I hate him now too. I want to be comforted and protected by him but I feel like Ill never stop fearing him. Even when I have no reason to.
Are these normal feelings after prolonged physical sexual and emotional abuse?
The truth is I feel like I may have deserved all this abuse for what i've done to him.
Will I ever feel normal again?
Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before and had a happy ending?
I need support!
Thanks for listening….
Saving 
