Anyways, I've struggled with depression for the last 7 years of my life (I'm now 17) and 6 years ago I started to cut myself with dull objects like soda can tabs. This moved on to more destructive behavior such as razors and drugs. I now have over 400 scars all over my body because of my stupidity. (The scars are purple because of how deep they are.)
I have had a much better life than a lot of the people here though. I have a complete family (mother, father, brother, sister) and I even have a lot of things to play with (xbox360, ps3, computer and more) however I am completely socially awkward. I literally can not order my own food at restraunts and I don't talk to anyone besides teachers and bus drivers at my school.
(This is going to be a long post so if you aren't interested then please stop now)
So now I'm in an "EC" class in the subcategory of "SPS" which means I have behavior problems. I am in a class with 8 other students and 3 teachers. The other students like to fight and try arguing and disrespecting the teachers...all the time. So if you can imagine I am the only one in the class who has a grain of respect for the teachers, and the other students make fun of me and want to fight me.
Anyways I've been on welbutrin for a while and recently stopped taking my other meds by force (without doctorâs consent) I later told him though and he was fine with it. The school system I am enrolled in must have a grudge against me or something as I was falsely accused of 3 things: Alcohol Tobacco and Bomb threat (the last one got me kicked out of the school even though I told them the whole story).Anyways the whole bomb threat issue got me arrested thrown in prison over night while I cried the whole time, the other prisoner people were staring at me. In the end two nice guys came over and sat by me and told me to cheer up, they were in there for a little over a gram of weed and trespassing (he told me he was around 40) he also told me he had a son around my age but he never saw him as he is homeless anyways. My bail price was set at 1k US dollars and my parents could barely afford that. When I was released I hugged my mum and told her I didn't do it. I was scared and on the verge of suicide when I got home. For the whole summer I was without contact with any of my friends as the police took my computer and cell phone. (Oh and they broke my computer!) anyways, I just got kicked off my normal afternoon bus for the rest of the year and was placed on a new class that has a lot of people who hate me, Looks like I'm walking home from now on (My house is about and hours drive away). Anyways....
Even longer before that issue there was a girl who I liked and I hugged her one day and received a threat from her boyfriend that was watching from someplace. I won't go into the detail of the threat but once more I was suicidal, I tried to kill myself a handful of times: Hanging overdosing Cutting and Running in front of cars on the highway. Needless to say I got placed back in the hospital.
And before this issue I was beaten up by my brother a lot with random things when we got into a fight (PVC pipes and Gaming remotes) and a couple times he made my head bleed. After a while I started getting stronger from working out and eventually put him on the floor and started choking him, he was saying to call the cops to my friend who was over, my friend grabbed my arms and held them behind me while my brother started to beat me up like a punching bag. Again....suicidal....I tried a couple more times...
On my tenth or eleventh birthday we went to Zimbabwe to visit my granny...I had gotten lime desiese and Bells palsy when I was there, Half of my face was paralyzed (its not anymore).
Before that issue was the fact that I thought some stuff happened to me when I was younger, I was told I was crazy and it never happened even though I can remember everything about it. I still don't believe in any doctors or my friends/family. I have given up once more
Today is valentines day and I have a GF (who lives far away) I have been "clean" for almost 3 weeks now (cutting that is) and I have been tempted to many times. Anyways I don't believe I have any future besides cleaning toilets and tables at a restraunt when my dream was to become a marine biologist or a pilot (both were crushed by my teachers telling me I'm a failure a couple years ago)
So yeah. Thatâs my story and I had to get it out otherwise I would go crazy.
That isnât the whole story but it is all I am willing to share over this website.
Anyways if you have read this far I thank you and if you want you can email me
Have a happy valentines day :/
Oh and don't forget to leave me your suggestions on what to do with my life
Hey, XxxSeanxxX, I'm sorry to hear that. You're not alone, and don't give up. I know it's hard, and it does seems at times that nothing is worth living for, or doesn't matter. But, you made it this far. I have bipolar disorder, and anxiety/ panic disorder. I feel the same way almost everyday, but am making another effort for going back to counseling. I've got since i was 13, and still do,just not as much. All I can really say is keeping moving on, and find what makes you happy in life, and what matters to you. Those are what is important and gives you meaning in life. If you can't trust no one, then trust yourself because in the end, that's what you'll really have. You can talk to me anytime, jut let me know.