Well, I've contemplated getting help, and I guess this is my last step before I do that because I'm tired of coping with this on my own.
A few months ago my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. It was a bad relationship that involved alcohol abuse. But I stuck around because I was too afraid to leave and I thought that things would eventually get better. They didnt. I had to move back to my home state with my mother (i'm 21) after he made it to the point where I couldn't live with him because he was being so mean. I thought everything would be okay, I knew it wouldn't be perfect but I knew it would be okay.
When I got home I started drinking a lot to cope with the stress, and burying it deep I guess. I did this for about a month or so. Then I started getting mild panic attacks, which turned into bad panic attacks (I didn't know what was causing them)
For a week I couldn't get out of my bed, I was afraid I was going to kill myself, I kept going over and over it in my head and it terrified me. I couldnt eat or sleep, I was throwing up, not able to digest food properly (if I actually could manage to eat something.) I isolated myself from my friends. That lasted for a week, then it went away.
Then 2 weeks later it came back after I made a phonecall to him drunkenly one night. Since then I've stopped drinking and cut off all contact with him.
Since I have been home I havent been able to find a job. To be honest, at certain times I feel like I wouldnt be able to function at a job. I have been sitting alone everyday mostly until my mom comes home from work. My anxiety is so bad that I dread doing simple things like going for walks and cleaning and pretty much everything. I can go out with my friends but I'm not myself. All of my hopes and dreams don't seem to matter to me anymore- the things that used to make me excited don't really have an effect on me now.
Then I started (last week) developing a fear that I would lose control of myself and harm myself, and then it turned into harming others. I don't want to of course, but the fear is unbearable. Last night I couldnt fall asleep because I was afraid I would lose control of myself and hurt my mother.
Ive never been like this before.. i feel like I'm going crazy. I feel guilty about these thoughts, I hate the anxiety and I want to be my normal self again. I'm usually a pretty carefree person, I want to travel and do things and have a great life. But right now I lost myself somewhere and I can't find it.
I don't want to go on medication. I want to get over this by myself. But I feel like if this persists I wont really have a choice but to go see a dr.
edit: This has been going on for a total of about 3 weeks.