Here is some of my background information that might help a little:
I am an open minded 20 year old Bisexual Female.
I am currently engaged to my 21 year old fiance Krystle, who specializes in auto mechanic.
I grew up in the town of Port Charlotte FL where its large enough to not know everyone, yet small enough to run into people you know every day.
All my life I have been battling mental disorders. When I was a young teenager I was diagnosed with Manic-Depressive BiPolar Disorder, though, I feel as though this was a misdiagnosis.
I have low blood sugar.
I have OCD/feelings of everything having to be neat, organized, and where I like them to be. Im a bit of a perfectionist.
I recently discovered that my 24 year old sister has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When we were younger, I was molested by her. All my childhood my sister told me how I was too worthless to play with her & her friends. Then she stole my friends so I had none at all. I never really surrounded myself with large groups of friends growing up & being in school. I usually had just a few best friends.
My father was very abusive to my mother and my parents divorced when I was around 8, but it was long needed. My dad has been to a therapist once a very long time ago but when they told him they wanted him to come back because they thought something was wrong with him and they wanted to start treatment, he never went again.
When I was 4 I was in a car crash and suffered from whiplash from then on. I used to suffer from terrible migraines on a daily basis which would sometimes be so bad that I would throw up, but do not anymore.
I currently suffer from low self esteem and anxiety. My low self esteem is affecting my relationship with my fiance. Its an endless cycle that I cant break myself from where I feel like she doesnt love me, that I am not worthy of loving, that I am ugly, etc. Then after awhile we forgive eachother, I explain that I need constant reassurance, we are happy-go-lucky again. Then as time passes it starts all over again and ends the same. Still, neither I nor she understands what is happening.
As for my anxiety, even going to a drive through is tough for me. For those few moments at the pull-up window my mind is frantic. Thoughts race through my head like 'dont forget to check the bag to make sure everything is there' and 'hurry up so you dont make the people behind you wait'. Sometimes I will be so busy with these thoughts that I will forget to get my Debit Card back!! And most of the time I fear going out alone.. even to Walmart. This also affects my relationship because I get very frustrated, aggravated, and edgy.
Also, when things go wrong in my relationship I have kind of this "I KNEW IT!" feeling. Like if my fiance doesnt always kiss me when she comes home, during the fight I will remember that and think "I knew she didnt love me". Not sure if this is some kind of self destruction and I am validating my own feelings. My mother fears that if I do not seek help soon I will self destruct all my life.
One more thing.. I smoke cannabis and have smoked it for most of my life. Although, I do not think it has ever affected me (other than a high).
I know that not a lot of people care about the being of others and I am at my wits end so a big THANK YOU to everyone who is taking the time out of their lives to read this. I really really appreciate it.
It sounds like you suffer from some real anxiety, but you know that already. I know what you're going through because I suffer from anxiety too. What helps me is coping skills through therapy and medication for anxiety. You really need to seek help if this is taking over your life and may be destroying your relationship with your fiancee. I hope you make the choice to get help so you can live a happier life.
The first step in getting better is realizing that you have a problem and the willingness to do what it takes to get through it. It sounds like you are there now just try to find a good therapist that you can talk to and maybe get some medication if needed. You are not alone there are a lot of people who have these same problems. The fact that you are seeking help says that you are trying to get better. Its hard to admit when we have a problem sometime. Just keep your head up and remember that everybody is beutiful in their own way.
You've taken the firts step... you know you have a problem and seeking for help.
What you have to do know it's GO FOR IT. As much we want to we can not help, you need to go to a doctor and thel him/her how you feel and what the problem is, tell your girlfriend all about it, this is important, don't skip anything AT ALL!!! and tell her to help you and take you to therapy, remember that is something you're going to have to live with, but if you never skip therapy you'll feel better on time.
It is evident that you have had a rough time in your childhood and it seems that you are at a turning point in your life. It takes courage to realise that things are spiralling out of control but now is the time to take back that control. The only person that can help you realise how to make a success of your relationship and other areas of your life is you. Seeking therapy is a good way to guage how you move past this phase and a therapist can help you to do this, but the desire to change and move into a making more positive decisions in your life has to come from within you. I notice that you mention smoking cannabis. I am in my early thirties and have had some turbulant times in my life. In my twenties I smoked cannabis and enjoyed it. However, I came to realise that rather than helping me cope with my problems, the cannabis made me over-analyse situations to the detriment of my well-being, evolving into feelings of paranoia which caused me to stop smoking it. I think you should consider this, as it is a well known side effect.
I wish you luck for the future and remember that life is hard, but it can be a joy, so cherish every moment.
you have anxiety, I was also feeling this way and would often drive people close to me away, when they left I would say to myself "I Knew that would happen" I have days when I don't want to leave the house through fear of coming into contact with anyone... The only thing I can say to you is please get help, i still struggle to this day but have good and bad days. Don't try to do this on your own.
I too suffer from anxiety although mine is a bit different. I get panic attacks and think im dying. i always think that i have some terminal disease and when my anxiety hits, i think that i am going to die right then and there. Nonetheless, i understand what it is like to have a mental disorder and a partner who doesn't understand. My boyfriend always tells me "its all in your head. get over it" He doesnt understand that i cant just get over it. he gets mad at me when i have panic attacks. Its an ilness and it can't just be "gotten over" You really should seek help. See a psychiatrist and see about getting medication and therepy to help you. After you are comfortable with talking to your psychiatrist, bring your fiance with you to a visit. have your psychiatrist explain to her the things that you are dealing with and why you act the way you do. Hearing it from a professional will help her realise that it is not something you can help. Have your psychiatrist explain to her that you need her support and the things she can do to help you solve your problems. Getting better will be a long bumpy road but if your partner is involved in your support and recovery it will make her understand your needs better as well as help your insecurities about how she feels about you. Good luck to you.