I am 39 years old and was married 13 years until we broke up because I cheated on my wife. We discussed our Marriage and went on a make or break holiday and it never worked and finally we split and I lived with my new partner. Early on in the new relationship I began to have doubts about what I had done because I have two children and I had been in the Marriage for so long. I kept looking at my new partner and started to analyse her looks, her walk talk everything.I visited my Doctor who prescribed me some anti Depressants. My new Partner had a child also and I was scared of taking him on even though he lived with his Father but it was evident he would eventually come and live with us. Eventually I began to send My Ex Wife texts telling her that I was sorry I had broke the family up. After about 6 Months I stopped taking the anti depressants. I can't really remember if the doubting thoughts where present whilst I was on Anti Depressants. However soon after I broke up with my girlfriend and went back to my wife for 6 months, again I began to analyse her this time and I would feel nauseous, I wasn't attracted to her. We split up and I stayed in the marital home although during the six months we did argue quite a lot and my stress levels were raised again, I couldn't concentrate. A couple of months later I dated a girl but she wanted kids quite imminently and she felt that I wasn't ready for a relationship, I was upset but no where near as stressed as I had been previously. So at this point I was single and then 4 months on I met A very special, sincere, honest, loyal beatiful lady who was almost 16 years younger than me, she was very playful and liked to act immature, her mum was the same so it wasn't immaturity it was playful. After 3 months my new girlfriend moved in with me, even though at time, I wasn't quite sure as that was what I wanted, but I had fell head over heels in love with her and didn't want to scare her away so I agreed that we would live together. The first 6 months were amazing we really really got on great and spent all our time together. We are both entertainers so we would be getting home from our gigs approximately at the same time so we were always together at the end of the night. I also run an entertainment business during the day as well as have my kids (two sons 11 & 13). During the day My girlfriend would be in the dining room working on her act or redesigning her websites etc, we literally spent all our time together, if she didn't have a gig she would drive me to mine, she also came on some business meetings and even asked if she could come on my annual golf holiday, I said yes at first and then changed my mind because none of the other guys took their partners and I didn't think it was fair. I started to analyse her looking at her and sometimes thinking she looked miles younger than she actually was and she did, people had told her this in the past at 23 she looked 17 until she put her make up on etc. I would look at her and wonder if she would grow in size (weight) or age as she got older or become ugly I would get agitated if we went out and I thought that people were looking at the age difference between us , It would agitate me if I had to do something for her or spend too much time with her, she would call me on my way to my gig or text me to say she loved me or to wish me luck on my gig, I used to to not be able to concentrate on the radio because all I did was analyse her in my head, would she leave one day, would I be comfotable at 60 and she being 44, would I have to provide for her even at 60 if I went to work abroad in the sun, I questioned everything and ended up feeling I was going mad. I would talk to myself and say "behave yourself I love her" I would pre plan conversations in my head and then became very distant without really knowing it. I Came home one day from the pub and she was a little put out by the fact that I had not come home earlier or asked her to go with me. I very rarely went to the Pub on my own.However I said this is not working and she ended up moving out. We got in touch a few days later and agreed to meet and we went out and had a great time and decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend and this was great or at least I thought it was until she went abroad to do some shows for a week, I missed her like mad and never once analysed her whilst she was away. The night before she was due home she told me that she had lied on the beach all week and had time to think about our relationship and felt rejected and felt that I didn't want to spend as much time with her as she did with me and said that we were through all but. A few days later she came to see me and told me that she didn't know if she wanted the life that I lead with a mad busy business, An entertainer at night, couldn't handle the kids fighting. We have agreed to have six months out and three days ago I went to the doctors who is going to put me on a cbt course and has given me some light antidepressants.
My real reason for writing to you and I'm sorry If I have gone on a bit, but I have suffered from anxiety pretty much all my adult life but now it is really bad and I avoid things and people. Can anxiety and stress lead to my thoughts and doubts about my partner. I have pushed her away and rejected her and avoided situations, but I still really really Love her. I do not want to feel better with the anti depressants and then just think "oh I feel much better now because I am on my own again or because I meet a new partner, because I can't carry on in this vicious circle.
Testosterone my dear friend plays an important role emotionally as well as phsyically. I bet your doctor has never mentioned to you about if your testosterone is low or not balanced? Many doctors will prescribe anti depressants and such because this is how the world works. Why resolve an issue that makes you money? I promise you that your testosterone is LOW. And to feel like yourself again and to be able to be a MAN you once were.. You first need a blood test to determine how LOW your T levels are. If it is not between 700 and 800 it is time you seek proper help. Research on the internet about Low Testosterone. Yow will find a lot of information, and know why your doctor has not checked into this. Stay away from Anti Deperessants and rebuild your testosterone levels. You will feel much better about life and who you are. and will be far less confused. Cheers!