happy december, everyone. (: i've been reading the boards for a while now, first time posting. i find myself getting increasingly frustrated while looking for answers to recovery, because i feel like the situation i'm going through is never addressed directly. so, i'm just going to throw it out there and hope one of you lovely people have experienced anything similar or could provide some kind of insight as to how i'm supposed to proceed. :/
first off, i'm 23. my ED started only six months ago, back in june. i switched to a new birth control at the time, which i reacted horribly to, and which caused me to immediately gain 10 pounds of water weight. admittedly, i freaked out. i felt heavy and weird all of the time, and everyone started commenting about how i looked "bigger". so i slipped. into the deep, dark cycle of anorexia.
the thing is, though: i was ALWAYS a tiny girl. i've been naturally underweight my entire life, though i would consume food like a garbage truck. my diet (literally) consisted of nothing but fast food and cake/candy/ice cream. i guess i just had a killer metabolism, and it was something i really, REALLY enjoyed. (taco bell at 3 in the morning whilst somehow maintaining a slim figure and low weight? don't mind if i do!) i suppose this is one thing that's made it easier for me to drop an insane amount of weight in such a short period of time.
so, i guess my first question is: have i screwed that up forever? i can't even lie: though i know a diet like that is horrible for me, i miss it. i miss being able to eat whatever i wanted and never worry about putting on weight. i don't want to be afraid anymore. i'm constantly second-guessing what i have for meals, and what/when i eat next consumes my every waking thought. i'm sick of it. i just want to stuff my face again and feel okay with it.
has anybody ever been through anything similar? how did you turn out? i'm so afraid of regaining weight and finding out my metabolism is ruined and i'll never get my old body back. there has to be somebody out there with a success story. has anybody recovered and loved their body/returned to their old body? it's hard to find answers to this since i started at an older age, so i guess i'm just curious about whether or not already being fully developed makes a difference in regaining weight.
(i'm recovering without the help of a meal plan or a therapist, by the way. i know i should have these tools, but i just can't afford them. so i kind of just go by the "eat-when-i'm-hungry" scenario.)
secondly: weight redistribution. the question everybody wonders about. i'm currently doing pilates and crunches daily for my abs (i know, i shouldnt be with the bmi i'm currently at, but i go slow and i've cut all other forms of exercise out until i put weight on.) - so, question: does doing ab exercises during recovery have any part in how weight redistribution turns out? i bloat fairly easily, naturally. i can't imagine it being worse due to recovery.
lastly: i've still been taking birth control pills regularly since all of this started, so i haven't lost a period; they've just been fake. (there are, however, consistently a week early now.) has anybody taken birth control throughout their struggle with anorexia? does it effect weight redistribution in any way?
i really need to get past this. i just want to forget that this part of my life ever happened. i loved my old body, and i was completely comfortable with the weight i was naturally. i don't know how this happened, but i'm terrified now that nothing will ever be the same again. i just want to wake up tomorrow and look/eat like i used to. any help provided will be MAJORLY appreciated. i need support so horribly, and i don't know where else to turn at this point. thank you guys. <3