anger, hate, depression

Hey, this probably wont help, but i am in the same boat as you, i am 16 years old and i lash out all the time, i have a great family, great friends and a great boyfriend but i just get so angry, i have also have suicidal thoughts- i get so angry at myself for thinking about theses things, but it has now got to a stage i dont trust myself to be round objects which i could cause harm to myself.
One time i got so angry i had thoughts of hurting other people and i hated myself for this and i just wanted to end these feelings of anger. At the moment i am on anti-depressants, and i have been now for a couple of years now, yes they do help but i am now feeling they are suppressing my emotions which can be a good thing, be i have so much built up emotion which i just cannot let out, sometimes i got outside and just scream and it makes me feel so much better inside. The only way i can keep myself from destroying my life too is by writing down all the good things in my life and just reading and reading them over again, it might not sound amazing but it helps me, so its worth a try. Also maybe keeping a diary and writing all your thoughts and feelings in it, and if it helps read them too somebody - it really helps get everything out of your system. I really do hope this helps in anyway even if you smile for just a few minutes.
Please take care of yourself.

Hannah

hi hannah
thanks for your reply really appreciate the advice .. i went to the doctor this evening so she has me booked in to see a psychiatrist first thing in the morning .. at the moment im like u aswel i no that crying is the best thing to relieve stress and id love to cry so badly sometimes but i cant .. i really dont no why .. its like i have no feelings at all .. i dont even think i feel love .. when i break up with someone after 2 r 3 years of a relationship i just get on with it and just feel depressed but never cry or anything .. im just really freaked out i dont no whats wrong with me .. am i just being stupid and selfish and just thinking about myself or is there more to it ya know? im just fed up dealing with bad things .. something could go right for me but then theres always something to make my life worse to counter that .. like when i met my girlfriend (im not a fighter or anything like that) her ex started giving me all these threats, burnt my car out and all this kind of shite .. the cops wouldnt do a thing about it .. like hows that fair .. i started recieving these txt messages and all this crap again about a week ago threats and that im always cheating on my girlfriend (which i never have im not like that) but i went to the cops and again nothing?? i turned to my parents and guess what .. they now think im involved in drugs??? like when those it stop .. im just sick of it and sick of life .. thanks for your reply again

hope you are enjoying life like i wish i was ..

dave

Hi Dave,

May I ask how old you are. Have you ever tried to think of what might be making you so angry and short tempered. Sometimes things happen to us in the past, things that probably were very traumatic. Many times we suppress all of those feelings we have had years ago and it comes back to haunt us. I am so glad you are going to see a specialist. They will be able to teach you coping skills. I did not have a very healthy childhood. My parents did the best they could but I had a mentally ill sister. She caused me so much pain, physical and mental. At the time I did not want to create more stress on my parents so I just took whatever came my way. They were having a tough enough time dealing with her and I did not want to exasperate the situation. Eventually by supressing all of the physical and mental abuse I did become angry at times when I got older. People need to let out their emotions, vent, or it will create problems later on in life. Anger is such a powerful emotion and really puts so much stress on someone physically as well as emotionally. I think Hannah is correct in saying you should keep a journal, write down things that are really bothering you and how it made you feel. In this way you can release some of this tension you are holding inside. Plus taking the time to do this also lets us cool down. Try really hard when you feel yourself getting angry to try to distract yourself, count to 10, go for a walk, remove yourself from the situation asap. This way you will not say hurtful things that you will regreat later on. I was able to recognize early on where my misplaced anger was coming from. I had to learn to be open, tell people how I felt at the time something bothered me instead of letting it boil inside of me. When we hold things inside eventually they will surface in the wrong situation. We will get mad at something that has nothing to do with what is really bothering us. It is important to dig deep inside yourself, try to figure out what may have happened previously to cause these outbursts. Anger will eat you up inside, it can make you physically sick, and it sucks the energy out of you. I am so happy you are getting help. I wish you the best of luck. let me know how you are doing.

Cindy

thanks so much for your reply cindy .. im 23 .. i should have mentioned that sorry .. you see thats the thing that bothers me most like im so so so sorry to hear about your childhood and it annoys me more to wonder why i get so angry when u actually have a reason to be .. i cant really remember anything in my past that brought this on .. i was bullyed in school for 3 years when i was younger .. it was childish stuff but i still had alot of nights crying myself to sleep cause i didnt want to go to school the next day .. my parents attitude? its just a bit of fun .. but it wasnt fot me .. i dont no if they dont understand what im going through, wheather to choose to ignore it or am i just a stupid lad and there nothing wrong with me at all im just feeling sorry for myself? and if so then why can i recognise some of these options but i still feel the same anger, anxiety and depression .. its killing me it really is .. i just want to know if theres something wrong with me or not .. if i dont get answers i feel im going to snap .. like i really want to hurt people who have hurt me .. and iv never laid a hand on anyone in all my life .. im just fed up with living with myself .. thanks for your reply. it was a psychiatrist accessment today and i told her i was feeling suicidal .. she said i just need to see a counsellor but then she called me back in ans said thay changed their mind and will ring me next week ..? oh and she gave me sleeping tablets??????? i no i cant sleep some nights but do you give a suicidal thinking person sleeping tablets?? i just hope they ring me next week .. im even worrying over that know .. how sad is that.

dave. sorry for getting so worked up .

Wow Dave,

I cannot believe that whomever saw you did not take you seriously. Was it a psychiatrist or just a counselor? Whomever it was in my opinion is very ignorant and unqualified. You are right about the sleeping pills, they should of never given those to you when you divulged you felt suicidal. Do you live in the UK? In the States if you go to the emergency room and tell them you are extremely depressed and feel suicidal they will admit you and put you in the psychiatric ward. I had to do that for my own safety about 5 years ago. It was good to be in a controlled evironment, see, talk to others, having group therapy. I learned so much in a few days. Please fight the urge to commit suicide. You are better than that. You are only 23 and although you feel their is nothing good, happy, or peaceful in your life, tomorrow is always a new day. Please listen when I tell you that you have the rest of your life which can be very fufilling. I truly know what it feels like when you believe you have no control over life. Its sounds to me you do have some issues. I don't think your parents are taking you seriously and you feel frustrated. Also the bullying in school could very well be producing these fits of anger.

I lost my lovely daughter July 4th, 2008. She was only 31 years old, she was diagnosed with hodgkins lymphoma stage IV in april of 2002. Jennifer was a single Mom, loving, kind, gentle, freespirited, energetic, and ever so talented. I am grateful she lived at home. She had to have chemo, radiation twice followed by a bone marrow transplant in August of 2003. Jennifer had said many times she was glad that she had the cancer. She could not bear to see anyone else have to deal with the pain, fear, and not knowing what tomorrow would bring. Jennifer was a fighter, she could have given up but she tried so hard, she wanted to raise her son, get married someday, but sadly her life was cut short. Jennifer had every reason to be angry, to hate, to be miserable, but somehow Jennifer managed to smile every day. She never lost her great sense of humor. In 2004 we found out that the chemo that was meant to save her ruined her lungs. She now had pulmonary fibrosis, hardening of the lungs, a progressive fatal disease. Jen was a talented dancer, singer, and comedian. Amazing doesnt even give her justice. By 2006 she was in such a weakened condition. She had contracted pneumonia (double) and blood poisening. Between 2006 and 2007 she had to be on life support 4 times. On June 23rd Jennifer could barely breath, her oxygen that she was on was failing, so I called 911, she had been bed ridden for months, to come and get her. After a few tests, 3 hours in the emergency room, the doctor came in and said she was in heart failure. We both looked at each other and knew. Her days were numbered.

Jennifer took the news like a trooper, she was actually relieved. I stayed with her day and night, did everything I could to make her smile, make sure her pain was under control. Jennifer lost so much in her young life, but she never let her fate take away her joy. She lost everything but she gained the wisdom of an angel and the love and trust of God. On July 3rd the oxygen was at its highest level, she could not even eat without struggling. At that point we told the doctors it was time. They would put her in an induced coma so she could die peacefully in her sleep. Just prior to that I had the family come to say goodbye. Shortly after that Jennifer was given 55mls of Ativan, and 50mls of Dilaudid ( the strongest pain killer). Jennifer looked so peaceful. Minutes before she died she awoke, looked into my eyes, said thank you Mom, dont worry I will send you a sign, then she said I see the light, I see the man, and she closed her eyes. Her breathes were farther and farther apart. At 12PM they announced her death. Jennifer was an inspriration to everyone who knew her, she was the most spiritual, and loving, appreciate person I had ever known. That day I lost my eldest daughter, and my very best friend. My grandson lost his Mom. Jennifer donated her body, to help someone else. That evening at sundown we gazed into the sky, and in disbelief saw the most beautiful majenta (pink) sky, it was amazing, her favorite color. Along came a cloud with a cross in the center of if and then we witnessed a shooting star. Jennifer sent us her sign, she was with God, in heaven.

During the time in the hospital I was caring for my daughter, I fell asleep in the lounge chair, when I woke it was 2am and I went to get up to go to the bathroom. Sadly the footrest did not retract, caught my leg and I fell hard, hitting my low spine, middle back, my neck jerked, and then I felt my head hit the floor. The nurses heard the fall, came running, they told me I passed out, and took me too the emergency room downstairs. They took X-rays, it did not show anything but a mild concussion. After that day I had significant pain. Later on I learned after several MRI's I had found out I had disc protrusions throughout my back, I am now always in pain, cannot work, and must take pain pills just to function. Unfortunatly at this point I cannot work. When all these things were going on we could not live on one income, and lost our home. The following January my husband of 34years had a massive heart attack and had a quadruple bypass. He was unable to work for 4 months. I could go on and on about our hardships, but I want you to know that life does go on.

Jennifer lost her beautiful auburn long locks, eyebrows, and eyelashes twice. She would make jokes that at least she didnt need to pluck her eyebrows anymore, she could be a blond one day, a brunette the next, somehow whatever came away she embraced it and made the best of everything. I miss her everyday, somedays I cry, but I remind myself shes happy, painfree, in paradise, and someday I will see her again. Jennifer taught all of us to enjoy each and everyday. Dont let anything get you down, take each day, make the best of it, forgive others for they know not what they do, and she lived this. I had so much anger, I could be angry now at all our hardships, but I want to be like my daughter, strong, loving, and be happy with everything God has given me. She taught everyone of us who loved her so much. She was and is an inspiration to all that knew her. Dave, I have told you this story so you can learn, like Jennifer, you can accomplish anything, that life should not be taken for granted, and no matter what cards you are dealt make the best of it. Jennifer could have been angry, bitter, mean, and all of us would have understood, but she taught us that anger does not get you anywhere, but love of God, and family will get you everywhere. That is why I choose not to be bitter, angry, spiteful, and mean. I want to surround myself with happiness and the best way to do that is to be like her. Kind, sensitive, sweet, generous, and loving. Please don't ever commit suicide, that is selfish, you will hurt everyone in your life who has ever loved you. They will be guilt ridden for the rest of their days. I dont think you are that mean that is why you want to stop this anger inside of you. I have hit rock bottom myself, I felt suicidal but I knew I would never hurt my family like that or leave my grandson without even a Grandma. Nathan is 11 now, he was 8 when he lost his Mom. He has to be near me all the time, he wont sleep alone, and if I even cough he asks are you okay Grandma. I think Nathan believes if he keeps me close I won't leave him. I have to do all I can to make sure he grows up happy, confident, with lots of self-esteem. That is my job now. Please keep in contact with me, I dont want you to hurt yourself, I want you to know that tomorrow is a new day, but its up to you to make it a good day or a bad day. Remember the saying you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinigar.

Cindy

hi dave
you need to be realy carfull here. if you overstep the mark and hit out you will find it becomes easy the second time round. try a product called st johan wort. its herbal and realy good for elevating mood. just an idea tho.

hi dave
my name is chloe i am 14 years old and i lash out everyday i have been like this for 2 months now and even though i have family that love me and a amzaing boyfriend i am crying myself to sleep telling my mum i hate her falling out with my friends and i hit people for no reason i am finding it hard to wake up in the morning for the reason i feel like i dont wont to live another day i am starting to look for reasons to do something stupid to myself and i was wondering what you think i should do i have seen what you have been putting to people and i think that really uou are a strong person and that you will get through it but you see i have had a hard child hood not as hard as some people but when i was only around 8 i found out that my dad was cheeting on my mum when she was preggnet with my little brother it used to hurt me when ijust to go school crying becuse i knew mum would be at home in pain but at the same time i was being bulled being beat up by people in the year above me i would be coming home with my mum crying and having a argument with my dad, when i was just moving up to my new school my mum lost her baby and my dad broke up and stoping helping us pay for the house so we had to move out&i hated it when i got up to my new school i didnt no anyone poeple looked at me werid when i was sitting by meself that when i startd crying myself to sleep at that point i also started cutting myself i got to year 8 and i made some friend stopped cutting myself and got a boyfriend that lasted about 5 months i started smiling more and started to go out with people but i was stilling hitting people and falling out with my mum about my really dad who i was seeing i think i forgot to tell you about him well he left me when i was 3 years old and started going out with this other woman going to the pub and doingdrug the he moved up the street from us when my mum was with this other man(the one who cheeted on her 4 times and the last time when she was preggers he brough me up)he started seeing me more and one night when i stoped there he came home from the pub one night drunk and stoned out his face me and his girlfriend was talking about life as she had seen my scars on my rist and i said that i wish he didnt do drugs just as he walked in the door he heard me say it and ran to me grabbed my by my neck and put my head over the sink with a nife to my neck and said thiings like i was a little slag that should keep my mouth shut his girlfriend pulled him of me after calling the police i ran home and told my mum she stoped me from seeing him again and he wasnt boverd then when i got to year 9 i through life was grate my fainly was happy mum had a new boyfriend who had a son that i loved to look after i was getting better with my school work but something was right why was i still crying myself to sleep why was i still flipping at people for nothing why did i hit people for the fun of it?that was the one thing i didnt knowi tryed to stop but then that ment hurtting my love ones and people at school started thinking i was depressed i ddnt believe them till my mum said it and my lovely and favoret person in my family my nana:'( it went into the 6 weeks holidays and my nana talke to me about things and cheeking on me all the time giveing me kisses and cuddles i was the only person in the family she was like this with after i started feeling better about myself didnt really cry myself to sleep my nana went into hospital she was fine and came out the sam day a about a week later she went out to get me my birthday pressents for my birthday was in a week i was almost 14 she went out and got it came back seen if i was okay from a call to the house phone my grandad was just going pub like he always did aout 5 O'clock he got back and came in asking nana where his dinner was calling her name so he went upstairs to see if she was alseep he got to the top of the stairs and seen her feet hanging out the bath room door she was face down in a puddle of sick he ran the amberlance and she was takn to hospital grandad told everyone not to tell me but i found out from mums boyfrined i fliped and trashed my room crying my eyes out about what i had heard they didnt let me go to see her till it was to late her funerul was a day before my birthday since then i have been suffrenig more then i didnt when i was beeing bulled and alone i lash out at someone everyday tell my mum i hate her and i would do anything no to wake up in the morning so i no this might not help but i wont you to think aboout what you have got and who you can talk to becouse it help i havent got no one to talk to i cant go and talk to one of them people tat hekp you my mum would find out she dont know about my problem i wish you dont turn out like me i no you are older and yours might be getting worse but mind is starting to shut my body down.

sorry for the story chloe

I feel everyone's pain. It's so hard to put into words how you feel. You feel selfish one minute and hate the world the next.In the meantime, no one can tell you why you feel this way. I'm 45 and have raised 3 daughters and every day I worry how my girls have been affected by my "psychotic" episodes! I have accomplished so much in my life, so why am I not proud of myself,and why do I feel so unsatisfied and angry all the time? What is it that I am missing?
Cymbalta helps, but I worry that it just covers up the real issue.
Feels good to get out my feelings and not have anyone judge me. Only those who feel this way understand. We have to stick together!