First off, I'm a new member of this forum; but, I have read a few posts. I have to say that some members are pretty unempathetic to the feelings of others. Despite my "subject" above, I'm not a wuss, and you won't make me feel bad if your goal is to troll for victims to make feel bad. I know people do it for fun - so, save yourself the typing if you don't have something constructive to contribute. That being said, I would like some honest advice (honest is distictly different than mean for mean's sake) about my situation:
I've been married to the same good lady for just over 19 years. She and I have a wonderful 14 y/o son, two great dogs, a bunch of fish, a beautiful home and both have very good paying jobs. We both met in college and have the same degrees. So, we've actually been "together" for over 22 years, but only married 19. She's a good person, a great mother, and we share some common interests such as four-wheeling and going to the beach.
I'm not sure when it began, but we started to "drift" apart emotionally & sexually at some point in the distant past. We seem more like really good friends with occassional, fairly regular benefits now than two people in love. My wife will "let me" have "chore sex" (a term I once heard) around once every 1-2 weeks, but there's no kissing, foreplay, or passion. It just feels like she's trying to do what she feels "obligated" to do, but that is not right and not enough for me. I want to be wanted and I would actually like to passionately kiss my wife and look into her eyes. But, she pulls back almost violently from kissing or caressing, and will not look into my eyes. Physically, I'm a good-looking man - so, that shouldn't be an issue. And, I'm a good husband and father. I not only do "man-chores", but I also vacuum, do the dishes and dust to help out. I never forget birthdays, anniversaries, or Valentine's Day - I'm a pretty doting guy. But, there's just no "spark" from my wife.
This pattern has been going on for over 10 years in a steady decline. I have tried to talk to my wife about it numerous times over the years, but she tries to tell me that at "our age", people just aren't that passionate or intimate anymore. I don't think that has to be the case if you try. Some other things that are hard for me to deal with are her irrationally angry reactions to being "told" anything (she's NEVER wrong) and inability to take compliments. She also tends to critisize me when I am enthusiastic about anything (almost like being embarassed to be around me). After being shot down numerous times trying to bring up the subjects above, I finally got fed up trying in June, 2010 and did a really bad thing. I "facebooked" an old girlfriend ... which led to a rekindling of old feelings in that relationship from my youth ... and yes, to a short affair. YES - that was WRONG. I should NEVER have cheated on my wife - no if's, and's or but's. I never did it before 2010, and haven't strayed since. We went to counceling after the affair (which I admitted to) because we both knew we had issues to work through. She didn't ditch me for cheating, and she and I both admitted to having faults. For a short time (maybe 4-6 months), things were better. At least I was emotionally fulfilled to a point where I was content.
But, since then, we've fallen back into the same rut. Basically, I keep the peace by keeping my mouth shut - if I say anything, I get a fairly angry response that I'm being unrealistic. The same rut is that my wife is not very affectionate or touchy, and likes her space. She likes to sleep alone and if I stay in the master bedroom too long, she gets ancy and I can tell she wants her space. I'm not needy; but, I would like the relationship to be mutual. I just feel like I'm making all the adjustments to what makes me happy, and she is in her comfort zone. I'll come half-way ... that's where we were for a while after the affair. But, she doesn't seem to want to come half my-way.
Also, one last thing. A couple of months ago, she asked me if I wanted to "stay or go", and that she "is now OK" with whatever decision I make. Not sure what to make of that. But, I wanted to show her that I was commited to "us", so I said yes - I want to stay.
AM I HEADING FOR DIVORSE, AND IS THAT MAYBE THE BEST THING? DID MY WIFE AND I JUST SIMPLY GROW APART?
Thanks for letting me vent - looking forward to some discussion.
That sure was a big vent! I can only compare your notes to mine. My wife, well lets just say her childhood was not the best, you could put on the rose colored glasses but the truth be told, there are many issues going on. I would guess that your wife needs counseling, my impression (from a long post) is, there is something deep down inside of her that is broken or she is not addressing, thus the emotional abandonment you are feeling. Just a shot in the dark!
I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I don't understand what she might be feeling and why this is happening in your marriage. I would definitely fight for your marriage. I agree that you both need counseling. Have you ever seen "Fireproof"? I would watch it with her and do the challenge. It's worth a shot. Blessings to you and your family. You sound like a wonderful man. I hope all works out.
Hi TAGman1986....Yes, I think you have grown apart...From your post I doubt if the two of you have ever been sexually on the same page...Her libido is very low (if that) and you are a man (as men often are) who loves to be loved...As far as the often are thing, this is the right way to be...However, I doubt that she will ever change...
Some women marry to have a child and complete the circle that they have created in their mind...I believe your wife knew of this circle...As far as sex, it was a chore...Earlier in life it was something she provided, but as she grew less used to it, her body no longer needed it...I believe this is how she feels today...
Will she change?...I doubt it...She does not have a mental problem, but this is just the way she feels...Some of us women are very into the sexual phase in marriage and once in a while some are not...
IMO, you should not go through life without love...You are 100% normal and sound like a wonderful person...Try talking to her...See if she will change...My best to you...