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Q: Am I selfish?

asked by: TexasAngel1206 on July 25th, 2009

Experienced User

Hello
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years, we were high school sweethearts.. Two years ago my boyfriend got a job where he works 21 days at a time out of town on a boat that he stays on constantly and then he comes home for 10 days.. A year ago i moved in with him.. Recently our relationship has changed sooo much.. He comes home and ALL he wants to do is play Halo (an xbox game) keep in mind he is 22 years old ahha.. Anyways we hangout the first night he comes home and then see friends a night or two when he is home but the rest of the time all he does is play halo.. I understand that he works and just wants to come home and play a little halo but he doesnt have to play all the time.. The night bf he went back to work he played for 8 hours! I figured he would wanna spend time with me but i guess not.. He even promised we would watch a movie but by the time he got off halo it was 1030 and we had to be up at 2 to go to the airport.. When i asked him about it he blammed it on me and said that i was the one who left.. i told him i went to watch tv in the bedroom bc i was tired of watching him play halo..I feel like i wait for him for 21 days and then hardly get anytime with him.. I have talked to him about this and he says he just plays halo to pass time and thats its relaxing to him.. He says that i need a hobby bc i just wanna go out and do stuff BUT a few months ago he was gripping and said all i ever wanna do is stay at home..? i also have asked him to try and find a job where he can be home everynight, i agreed to move even though i have heart problems and all my family moves here bc i understand it would be hard to do a job where we live bc there isnt any water down here and he is a tankerman.. and he doesnt even say anything about that just that he will find a job at home only if it pays the same..WHICH IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.. He makes really good money where he works and there isnt anyway he is going to find a job where he will make the same amount of money.. Im a nurse and we can live comfortably i would work double shifts if only he would be home everynight.. Sometimes i wonder if he enjoys being away from home.. We use to talk about marriage and having kids but now its like he just talks negative about it.. i dont wanna get married or have kids until he has a job where hes not gone for 21 days at a time but i might not ever get that.. I also promised when he got this job to write him an email everyday he is gone and i have stuck to that faithfully except twice in 2 years.. I have told him that every once in awhile i would enjoy getting an email-that it would cheer up my day and nothing.. Am i selfish to ask for all these things? I really need advice i love him with all my heart but i feel like im breaking, what should i do??.. I just want us back again and i know that we are different now and that we want different things..Please give me some feedback.. Thanks! Sorry this is soo long..

Replies(9)

W0LF

replied on July 25th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

You have every right to expect time with your boyfriend when he's in town. It sounds like he's showing hallmark signs of an addiction to video games. Ask him if he feels in control of his playing and if he denies any problem point out times when his video games are getting in the way. "I'd like us to see a movie but you're playing" "I'd like us to cuddle on the couch before you have to ship out but you're playing". Don't put up with excuses in this field of his life. Evaluate if you want to be with him if he isn't dealing with his problem.

You can't expect him to change careers unless you're supporting him and there aren't many options for a man in his field to work where he comes home at night. About the best you can do is look into jobs that have rival pay that are suitable for his experience. Sounds like you have a lot of off-time to give him a hand.

You can't expect fisher or longshoreman to write you back. The work is without exception grueling bunk-work-bunk living. Internet isn't reliable at sea and most crews do not have shifts off rotation.

You also don't have a right to expect this to change. He may not have gotten involved with him when he was tankerman but this is the course his life took with you by his side. You should be prepared to accept that this will be the course of his life from now on.

Users who thank W0LF for this post: TexasAngel1206

TexasAngel1206

replied on July 25th, 2009

Experienced User

Thanks for the reply. First of all he is on a river and about 95% of the time he has internet.. He works 6 hrs sleeps 6 hours works 6 hours sleep 6 hours and sometimes he even plays halo on the boat on his off time.. Im not off alot i work an 8-5 job monday-friday sometimes wkends.. Although, i am currently on medical leave for heart surgery i should go back to work in a couple of wks.. I am asking for a change but ive also agreed to move if he finds a job where he is home more.. Im sick and i need him home, not only that what kind of a life is this gonna be? Its going to be impossible to have a family ...? Ive been doing this for 2 yrs but i want more

W0LF

replied on July 25th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

I honestly don't think he has more for you. His possible video game addiction is a relatively small issue. His absence in your life is a huge one. It may come down to letting him decide between his job and you to find out if that change can happen, but I would still try to talk to him and explain how the situation feels.

Users who thank W0LF for this post: TexasAngel1206

ServiceU

replied on August 1st, 2009

Supporter

i used to go though some of the things you are going through with my ex boyfriend with the video games, attention, and his friends. i endured it out of love, but if i wasnt so blind i wouldve seen that he was very immature and wasnt ready for what i had to offer.
when he was content, i was unhappy, and vise versa.
maybe this isnt the right man for you. since you love him you can try your best to make it work!
or find another man that will do all the things he should do to keep you in love with him.
you should really think about what is important to you. i want you to be selfish when you ponder, because i dont want this guy to be a waste of your time.

Users who thank ServiceU for this post: TexasAngel1206

TexasAngel1206

replied on August 1st, 2009

Experienced User

thank you serviceu! what do you think about the job thing?

ServiceU

replied on August 1st, 2009

Supporter

he is young and there's nothing wrong with him going out with his friends, and playing video games. i would rather see my man in the house with me playing games than out in the street M.I.A.
If he can come home to you and wine and dine you, and do the things that he enjoys then things should be great.
you have to tell him that he has to balance everything. did you have that talk without arguing? did you tell him that you wait for him and your excited when he comes home and you want to spend quality time with him.
i would stay with him if he is willing to do these things.

TexasAngel1206

replied on August 1st, 2009

Experienced User

we mainly have the same friends so that isnt an issue! i was explaining that we hang out a night or two by ourselves (meaning a few hours) and hang out with friends once or twice during his 10 days hes home and the rest of the time he is playing halo no joke.. Yes we did talk and i explained my feelings but he feels as if he doesnt need to change anything.. he said mb if i would play games with him or have another hobby mb he wouldnt play so much.. right now im on medical leave for heart surgery and he said that he thinks it will get better once i go back to work, but i told him no it wont bc i get home at 5 and he plays until after i go to bed.. things are so different, i dont know anymore..

ServiceU

replied on August 1st, 2009

Supporter

i pray that everything goes well with your surgery.
and the halo game will fade, he'll get tired of it. my ex used to play that game grand theif auto from sun up to sun down. after a few months he wasnt interested.
if he's not willing to change, then you have to decide if you can be content with what he's dishing out.
weird!!! my best friend said the same thing to me two years ago.

TexasAngel1206

replied on August 2nd, 2009

Experienced User

thanks.. i dont know if he will ever stop. hes been playing for 3 yrs and its just getting worse.. his bro is like 27 has 2 kids and plays alot also.. so i dunno.. mb he wont play as much this time while he is home, i hope not!

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