Okay. So I used to think I was in love with my best friend, who is a girl and I am as well. I'm romantic asexual so gender doesn't matter because I couldn't care less about sexual things. I've never really been in a relationship, and I thought I didn't care for a relationship till I got these feelings for her. I think I was fifteen at that time, I am eight-teen now. At that time I kept telling myself I was just confused and it was hormones and it wasn't real. I've always had trouble believing in love as it is. I actually pecked her on the lips, which I brushed off as teasing her because she had been playing around and closed her eyes and puckered her lips. I really don't even count that as a kiss because it wasn't.
Recently she confided in me that she was in love with another of our friends. I confessed that I 'used' to think I was in love with her. And told her that it wasn't real love because you shouldn't be afraid to admit that. But after I said it I regretted it. Because now I broke that little emotional bottle I had shoved in the corner of my head and ignored for three years. I've known her for nine years by the way, and she's been my best friend for that long.
I've struggle with suicidal thoughts, self harm, depression, anxiety, just generally emotionally screwed for life. I take prozac though I might switch back to generic Zoloft. Like I said, never been in a relationship, I'm a virgin, never been kissed. I really don't care for people and have a very small group of close friends. Two are my neighbors, two go to college with me and one I have to give a ride to college. That tells you how much I get out. Though I have a good understanding of the world and how it works, I am going to school to be an RN.
I just have a really hard time expressing myself and I actually only told my friend I think I'm in love recently that I self harm and have thought about killing myself. My parents don't know any of this either. I don't like to bother other people with my problems because to me these are my issues and I really should keep to myself but recently I am having so much trouble doing this. I talk to myself and these imaginary friends I made up so I could have someone to talk to.
Anyway, I really wanted to know if anyone can help me out? I really care about this girl. I want her safe and sound. If anything happened to her I don't know what I would do. But I don't know if I could actually kiss her, the most I can do for physical relationships is hug and cuddling. That's why I'm not even sure if it's real love or if I'm holding back because I don't want to lose her. I've had crushes on people but it was when I was very young and they were silly things. I think my problem today is because I never allowed myself to actually think I could have something more then a silly crush so that's where my feelings stop. I don't know.
Sorry this is so long, I tend to ramble when I'm upset...
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