I have been in a relationship on and off with my boyfriend for two years. And by on and off I mean that I have broken it off every time, multiple times, only to get back with him each time. In the beginning, the problems would arise because he would get blacked out drunk (we're in college, both 21, and we both like to go out and party) and he would say stupid, mean things to me. In the beginning, I knew this wasn't what I wanted, so I would always break it off. But then he would apologize profusely, blame it on the alcohol, and say it would never happen again. Each time it is a love profession and huge apology. But I love him and keep thinking it will get better each time. The problem is that in between break ups, I would see other people in an attempt to get over him. Then, each time when I would miss him so much and get back with him, he would hold these things against me in future arguments. The thing is, is that he would see other people also in between, and one time he even made out with another girl in front of me, but he still continues to rag on me for the flings I had during our in between times. When we got really serious before I studied abroad in Spain, he gave me a promise ring, and I told him I wanted to stay together. Once I got there, I started having doubts about the relationship because of all the past fights and break ups...my doubts made me realize that during my time abroad, I wanted to be on my own, meet and go on dates with Spanish men, etc...so I broke it off, and ended up seeing a Spanish man for fun while I was out there. When I got back to America, my ex and I got back together, but he never forgave me for the Spain incident. I felt terrible about hurting him and ruining his trust, and I was doing everything I could to prove to him that I could be committed, that I was just unsure while I was out there, and that I simply didn't want to look back on the experience with any regrets (i.e. be the girl who didn't fully experience life abroad because of a boy, then end up breaking up afterward anyways).
This is where the real problems began. Everyday I was trying everything I could to prove my love and commitment to him. I stopped hanging out with my friends. He wouldn't let me talk to anyone who was a male. I hardly made it to the gym, and we would only sleep at his house because he didn't want to go to my house. One day a bunch of us were at the golf course (FBR...drinking a lot). We got separated, and he started texting me and calling me, saying I'm a promiscuous person and a prostitute and saying I didn't deserve him and that I'm a terrible person. Words like this really hurt me, so the next day I told him that it obviously wasn't working. He told me that it was pent up anger about the Spain situation and that it wouldn't happen again. So I told him I'd let it slide but this was the last chance...well again it happened a month later. We were all at a bar. He was very drunk. I was dancing with two of my girl friends and one guy friend, not even grinding dancing. My boyfriend came up to me yelling, telling me this is why he would never be with me, why I'm not a good person, why I'm a promiscuous person. I tell him to leave me alone and he tells me he is going to get with another girl to make me see how it feels. As I turn to leave he thrusts his fist into my back. Later he comes back, being all lovey and normal. I am angry and confused and I say go away are you crazy..this results in a slap and a "gentle?" punch on the chin. He grabbed my arm squeezing it until I had scrapes and bleeding from his nails. All the next day and weeks after he tried telling me that it didn't really happen, that I was just drunk and exaggerating it, that he didn't do it that hard, that it was the alcohol, that it was just his anger because of Spain. After much persuasion from family and friends, I stayed broken up with him for 5 months. During this time he wouldn't let any of his friends talk to me who were in the same class as me, and who had been friends with me and my friends. Eventually, I fell back into it. I feel ashamed but I missed him and I hated how he made me feel like it was my fault because of Spain that everything happened. I wanted to redeem myself, in his eyes, and the eyes of so many people that he had told it was my poor behavior that made us break up. A few weeks later, another incident happened after a night of drinking, and it ended with us in his house, him throwing things, and kicking doors, and then him leaning off the balcony saying he would kill himself because he loved me so much. My mom had sent me an email months before and I remembered seeing this as a sign of abusive behavior, so I got really freaked out, and I tried to leave multiple times, which led to pushing and shoving, when I finally ran off terrified and jumped into a car with a random person. The next day he told me that I was overreacting and that he didn't want me to leave because I didn't have money to take a cab. He said he didn't know why he pulled the attempted suicide stunt, that it was melodramatic and he didn't mean it.
There has been times when he has tried to change my outfits, saying that they are too revealing. I lose touch with my friends when I'm with him. He criticizes a lot of what I do, and makes me nervous to make plans or change them. The fighting has happened every subsequent weekend since then, this time usually when we are apart and the battling is over hurtful text messages. Last thursday we were having a great night and then out of nowhere he told me he was just having fun and that it really didn't mean anything (usually everyday he talks about getting married and us being soulmates etc...). I tried to reason with him saying that he was just drunk and didn't mean it, but he continued on, until finally I left the club crying, walked 2 miles, then took a cab home. Everything I'm saying is screaming that something is wrong but I just can't get out of it. I am a smart girl. I know this is not right, but I keep second guessing myself because everytime I try to say what is wrong he disrefutes what I have to say by arguing it out, or bringing up a point of something I have done to wrong him. Or he'll mention all the nice things he does for me (buying me dinners or clothes, taking care of me while I'm sick etc..). This makes me feel like he is a good person and he is capable of stopping this overprotective controlling and derogatory behavior. I love him and we have so many awesome times together; he helps me and supports me in many ways with school. We have a lot in common, and we laugh and play and have so much good in our relationship. I just can't decide if his behavior is something that will go away once he has regained trust for me? Is this my fault and I just need to hang around until better times? Please help